Your Grandmother Can't Cook!

This SHOULD be brief, but here goes.

Let me start off by saying: Your Grandmother can't cook! Just face it, not everybody's grandmother was throwing down in the kitchen. It's statistically impossible. So all of this noise about your grandmother being a better cook than Patti LaBelle needs to cease & desist IMMEDIATELY! I thought after a week the #PattiPie phenomenon would die down & we could all go back to running our business. But noooooooo..... people still all over social media hating or praising the pie with people responding with the opposite reactions in the comments. Here's the thing: SHUT UP ALREADY!  It is time for an intervention.

Dear friends & followed on social media,
Your Patti Pie obsession has affected me in the following ways:

1. You won't stop talking about putting money in Patti's pocket & then equating it to something dumb. First of all, Patti made her money before her face made it onto the box! You think she waiting on her five cents per pie royalty check? Stop equating it to taking money from Small business, or at home business, or MLM. Going into Walmart & buying a $3.50 pie while you're stocking up on batteries & socks & thumb tacks is NOT THE SAME THING as going to a wine tasting with ONE bottle of whine & 45 minutes of someone convincing you to take a look at their business. 
2. You eat store bought, pre-made food ALL. OF. THE. TIME! We ALL do! I mean NOBODY doesn't like Sara Lee & nothing comes closer to home than Stouffers. So what is the issue with PATTI'S PIE? I think this one is pretty black and white. *ahem* The same reason you go to the  same carry-out and get talked to like you're crazy cuz the shrimp & broccoli is BOMB. But let the black or brown chick at the soul food spot not smile when she gives you your change and you won't ever go back again. *steps off soap box and kicks it down the street* I'm DONE here!
3. You only eat whiting! Stop acting like your palette is so refined you know the difference between allspice & cloves. Most folks only know like 3 kinds of fish: Whiting, salmon (in the can usually) & whatever is in the filet-o-fish at McDonald's (it's pollock btw... you're welcome!). Half the folk talkin about it's too much nutmeg in the pie probably read it somewhere & only have Season-All, lemon pepper, and hot sauce in their seasoning cabinet. But since everyone is talkin about Patti pie, you're suddenly a discerning food critic. Please be quiet & go eat your Carl Buddig ham sammige on white bread.
4. YOUR GRANDMOTHER CAN'T COOK! I have had some of your grandmother's food/recipes and that joint wasn't that great. I mean how is it possible that EVERYONE'S grandmother can cook. I guess everyone knows how to sing too? Stop pretending your grandmother is a better cook than ANYONE. She's not, don't front. Just don't say anything. It's ok NOT to talk when everyone else is. I promise. Some of those plates on Cooking for bae were likely some of y'alls grandma's Sunday dinners. Your granny does NOT throw down and that is OKAY. Patti can & does & you know it. Patti is better than your grandmother at a lot of things... that doesn't mean gram-gram isn't a GREAT person, ok? Patti is not here to take your grandmama's place, no matter how much you secretly wish she could. 

Sincerely,

I SEE YOU!

WHEW! I am so glad I got that off my chest! And before you think you are going to come for me. I can indeed bake a mean sweet potato pie! CHECK YOURSELF! If anything I said here hurt you, it's because it's true & it's time for you to do some introspection. 

**As a side note stop acting like you don't have a family member that passes store bought food off as their own. OR the one that you KNOW can't cook & brings store bought food to thanksgiving. It's not an insult, it's a reality. I need folks to be real or BE STILL!