Who Do You Love? Are You For Sure?

People often confuse conceit and arrogance with love for self. I know I'm not perfect but I know that my love for myself and others is real, true and pure. When I love you there is nothing anyone can do about it, not even me. I love from a place I don't even understand all the time. But I allow love to lead me. 

Some people who have never understood love think it's a bad word that leads to ruin. They don't trust themselves to be in love and subsequently they don't allow themselves to love deeply. Most importantly, these people do not love themselves in a deep or meaningful way. If they did, they would not be so afraid of allowing someone to love them and vice versa. The insecurities about love that they project out into the world start with themselves according to the African Proverb.

For example, Musiq Soulchild's song "Teach Me How To Love" was filled with learned insecurities and misleading advice that he had internalized. 

• Never crying,
• working until you're tired
• shadowing feelings with pride
• never letting people think you care 
• lacking affection and an ability to express feelings. 

He laid out EVERYTHING he was doing wrong and still placed the burden of doing the work he needed to do to heal on her. Learning to love is an individual responsibility. People can tell you what they need from you but you still need to do the work to achieve their love. That works starts internally though. Many people are afraid to delve into the caverns of their own hearts and souls. If you don't want to go in there why do you think someone else does or should? I am saying all of this to say: do the damn work!

Do the soul-searching. Be honest. Stop fronting. But most importantly leave others out of it until you are at least partially there. For those that do not know what love is, 1 Corinthians 13 lays it all out.

DO THE WORK!

I Resolve to Be Alright!

re·solve verb- to decide firmly on a course of action.

There will be no cliche "New year, New me!" here. This is a call to all of you who are feeling the pressure to change, to do more, to be bolder, to go to the gym 9 times a week. This is a call to you to rethink how you think of this new year. This new year is really just a continuation of last week. So breathe!

Think about all you were working on last year. Did you complete it? No? Well, keep going! Think about the changes you made last year. Were they working for you? Yes? Well, keep going!

I have seen people posting manifestos of all the things they vow to accomplish... all the pressures they place on themselves... all their business that they have made public to the social masses... all the things they may or (statistically speaking) may not achieve. 

This year I ask you to join me in holding one another accountable for one resolution and one resolution only. This year, I resolve to be alright! 

all right adjective- safe, well

This means check-in with you. Put less pressure on yourself to do and instead try to be! Be in the moment, be in the room, be in the now. It's good to have goals, it's great to have benchmarks, it's amazing to achieve things. But what good is any of it if you are frazzled and stretched to your limits once you arrive? They call it the grind for a reason! Because it will wear you down to a stump if you let it! So this year, make you the priority. By all means, push your limits and exceed your targets, but make sure you're alright when it's all said and done. You can check off all 75 resolutions and not have the energy to even appreciate it when you get there because you're exhausted, checked out or running on fumes. Take each day as it comes and don't get so bogged down in the tomorrow and the day after and the day after. It will all work out. Matthew 6:34 says: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

So, for today, resolve to be alright!

Healing When You're Hurting

So look, I've been recovering from an appendectomy. I need y'all to understand this. Something I never thought would impact me was bothering me so much, I had to have it removed immediately and spent a significant amount of time healing from it.  If you have been reading over the last month or so, you will know that this is a micro of the macro that has been my life recently. 

Here's what had happened: Friday, I thought I had gas. Saturday, I went to a football game, had a fish plate, attended an after party, party hopped with my sorors,  and went to dinner with a friend... with gas and a small pain in my side. Sunday, I woke up with a sharper pain and realized my high pain tolerance may have caused me to miss an important message my body was giving me. I posted about it on FB because that's just who I am as a person. Then, I commenced to tidying up my house and deciding my next course of action. The pain got my attention and my BFF came to my rescue. He took me to urgent care and they sent me to the emergency room after finding an issue with my bloodwork. I had only ONE symptom of appendicitis, so I wasn't certain what was causing the white blood count issue. After hours in the emergency waiting room, I finally get sent to the back. The emergency nurse was soooooooo annoying. She told me I should have come to the ER instead of going to urgent care. First of all, I thought it was bad gas, lady! I  just turned my head and closed my eyes because I felt that ringing in my ears that I get when I'm ready to blackout and curse someone out. My BFF came to the rescue (again) and gave her a half-hearted, "Ok, thanks." Then, as she is jamming a needle into my tiny veins for a 3rd time she sees me flinching and tearing up and asks me "What's wrong, you don't like IVs?" Y'ALL! I wanted to say, "Of course I do! Who doesn't!?!?" Instead, I closed my eyes and looked away, again. Who asks something like that? I know I said I have a high tolerance for pain, but something about the smooth insides of my precious forearms and my delicate, little veins meeting a long sharp needle that hurts more than almost anything. Mind you, this was the third try.

So long story short, I go to get the CT scan and it's appendicitis! I have surgery at 11 PM on Sunday and don't see my house again until 11 days later. In spite of bruising, infiltrated IVs causing me Popeye arm, and bad reactions to pain medications, I had an overall good experience in the hospital. My nurses and doc outside of the Emergency department were great. My people showed up for me in the best of ways. I got through it and 2 weeks later, I'm back at work a little sore, but much better.

The healing process was troubling because I do not like to ask for help. But what I learned is that when you are hurting and you let the right people know, they will show up for you in the ways you request. They asked me what I needed, I stated it and my friends provided. Some going above and beyond what I even asked of them. 

The lesson here is this: My body was telling me I was hurting, I ignored it until it was undeniable because I ain't no sucka, I'm tough, I'm resilient, I'm a soldier, I'm stubborn! This led to unexpected extraction of something that was of no use to me, but causing me pain nonetheless. In the process of healing from this, my friends reached out and I told them what I needed. They provided in the form of gifts, food, necessities and sometimes just company. I made my needs known, I got more than I even thought I needed and it made the healing much easier. I was forced to chill out and be outside of my comfort zone. Days later, I'm back to my routine still a little sore but definitely no longer in pain. 

So ask yourself: What is my body telling me? What do I need to have examined and extracted? Who can I call on to help me heal? Am I willing to rest and heal as long as it takes? 

Take care of yourself, stay in tune, call on your people, take your time healing!

Words from my problematic boo, John Mayer.

Stop, Take a Step Back....

Who do you see?

This title and first line are from a popular DC go-go song. But it's also part of my most recent self-care activities. I've been stepping back from everything that has been causing me strain. Relationships, activities, groups of people, and even foods. (that's the one that's made me sad... judge yourself!)

I have been taking subtle and not-so-subtle steps back from things over the past few weeks. I realized part of feeling disconnected from some things was my brain telling me to actually disconnect from them. I found that I had been putting way too much energy into things that turned out to be counterproductive. I am no stranger to hard work, but when it's draining you and not doing you much good it's gotta go. I participate in things because they uplift my mind, body, spirit or soul. In essence, they make me feel good. No one wants to continue to do something that makes them feel bad. No one wants to put effort into something that leaves them questioning why they even tried. No one wants to continue to shine a turd, put lipstick on a pig or some other cliche that basically means you're wasting your time.

My time is far too precious to waste it doing things that have yielded less and less over time or other things that have yet to make any progress at all. This is especially true when your time and attention would be much more successful elsewhere.

Taking a step back is not the same as quitting, but sometimes you have to give things a rest. Some things you put down to pick up at a later date. Some things you truly do leave on the shelf. Some things you step back from in hopes that someone else steps forward. Some things you shift lower on the priority list so that the little bit of joy left in them is not forever lost.

Take a look at your life. From what do you need to take a step back? What things are you putting more effort into than others? How is that working for you? Where can you make a shift in priorities? Why have you not yet done so? Who do you see?

from: https://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/p/stop-take-a-step-back-look-what-s-really-important-focus-on-that/

Keep Going! You're Doing Great!

I feel better. I saw my therapist, I talked to my people, I got my fresh air, I prayed to my God, I did my work... for me!

I kept going. I slowed down. But I kept going. I sought help. But I kept going. I set my intention. And I kept going.

I had to take time to check in with myself and be honest about what I needed. I needed to let something go, y'all! I was dragging it around in my heart and my body was telling me to release it. I was so afraid of how it would feel to let it go, but I realized holding on to it was not doing me any good.

I had to remind myself: You've survived everything thus far. Heartbreak, heartache, failure, faltering, surgery, death, grad school, crappy bosses, infidelity, insecurity, rumors and rejection. And look at you! Still glowing up & showing up! But in order to get to the other side of it, I had to go through it. It was hard, it hurt, I cried, I stalled, I scraped by but I  kept going!

We can't always let other people tell us what we need to do for ourselves. People who had no idea what I do regularly or what I was doing currently were telling me what I needed to do. That's not how SELF-care works. SELF-care is about you being aware and honest with yourself. Do you need to take a nap? Do you need to tell someone no? Do you need to unload some things? Do you need to pick some other things up? Sometimes you need to make a list and check it THREE times.

I made my mental list and at the top of it was see your therapist. After that, it all fell into place. That session had me in tears and disbelief, but it was what I needed.

Keep Going! You're doing great!
But also, get you a therapist!