Who Do You Love? Are You For Sure?

People often confuse conceit and arrogance with love for self. I know I'm not perfect but I know that my love for myself and others is real, true and pure. When I love you there is nothing anyone can do about it, not even me. I love from a place I don't even understand all the time. But I allow love to lead me. 

Some people who have never understood love think it's a bad word that leads to ruin. They don't trust themselves to be in love and subsequently they don't allow themselves to love deeply. Most importantly, these people do not love themselves in a deep or meaningful way. If they did, they would not be so afraid of allowing someone to love them and vice versa. The insecurities about love that they project out into the world start with themselves according to the African Proverb.

For example, Musiq Soulchild's song "Teach Me How To Love" was filled with learned insecurities and misleading advice that he had internalized. 

• Never crying,
• working until you're tired
• shadowing feelings with pride
• never letting people think you care 
• lacking affection and an ability to express feelings. 

He laid out EVERYTHING he was doing wrong and still placed the burden of doing the work he needed to do to heal on her. Learning to love is an individual responsibility. People can tell you what they need from you but you still need to do the work to achieve their love. That works starts internally though. Many people are afraid to delve into the caverns of their own hearts and souls. If you don't want to go in there why do you think someone else does or should? I am saying all of this to say: do the damn work!

Do the soul-searching. Be honest. Stop fronting. But most importantly leave others out of it until you are at least partially there. For those that do not know what love is, 1 Corinthians 13 lays it all out.

DO THE WORK!

Placeholders

Over the past few months, I've been dealing with some men ("some" meaning more than one but less than 10).  "Dealing with", not really dating... just kinda dealing... Men that I knew were too young, too immature,  too insecure, too used to drama, too busy, "not good enough" (THEIR words, not mine). After reading The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas, I know that there is not ONE person for everyone, but several if you are seeking someone to aid you in the building of God's kingdom. These men were not that. I am in the process of discovering who God would have me to be for Him to this world and these men had no clue. Not to down them, they had great hearts, and some even appeared to have a DESIRE to follow Matthew 6:33: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." which is the verse that the aforementioned book is based upon, however... they were simply PLACEHOLDERS.

placeholder

noun

1. a person authorized to act for another

In my mind, and at least once in my heart, I was giving these men authorization to act on behalf of  a man that better fit into my future. But in doing so, where was this man to go if someone was holding his place? This man may be ANY of the things that I mentioned above but if he is seeking the kingdom, it would look and feel differently to me. He may be younger but have an old soul... I have NO desire to have an argument about whether the original WILLY WONKA and the Chocolate Factory was better than Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with a man in his 20s who has only seen the latter! He may be insecure but  in seeking the kingdom he allows himself to love me and me to love him and his insecurities fade... I have NO desire to deal with someone teetering back and forth between no drama with me and known chaos with someone else. He may be busy, but in seeking the kingdom, he realizes that he can and will make time for a woman who is also seeking the kingdom with whom he can build. He may not be good enough, but in seeking the kingdom his actions (not plans, but deeds) have him on a path to becoming a better person, not for me, but for God. But if these other men are holding his place, how and where will he fit?

These placeholders were granted authority out of loneliness, from a place of almost giving up, with the thought that SOMETHING was better than NOTHING. Because I "was not ready for a real relationship" it was ok to have hemidemisemiquavers taking the place of a whole note... for those that don't know music, that's 1/64th of a whole... that's several notes that you have to use to equal a whole (iowno math)

From: http://www.learnclassicalguitar.com/

In some cases, I was the placeholder for them. I am a lot of things (some awesome, some good, some not so great), but I am NOT a placeholder. God knows I'm not perfect, but I am a woman that is seeking the kingdom. This morning on FB, my update from "God Wants You to Know" stated that "well done is always better than well-said". I talk a LOT but I try my best to make my words match up with my deeds and I am trying to make sure my deeds match my intentions in a way that impacts the kingdom positively. And for that reason, I know that I am not a placeholder. I am not a proxy, a  surrogate, a backup, a fill-in or a substitute. I am the original, the archetype, the model, the pattern, the paradigm. I must continue to see myself as such and act as such. 

Sure, I'm loud, a little raunchy, I have a sophomoric sense of humor, I still curse a little (ok sometimes a lot but not in front of children, pastors & old people anymore), I drink, I like a little ratchet music every now and then. But I am leaps and bounds away from where I used to be, how I used to be, what I used to be and WHY I used to be. I work regularly to do and be better and I cannot stand in place. I am not a placeholder for any man on this earth, God has given me the authority to overcome all the enemy's power and nothing will harm me (Luke 10:19). It may hurt for a moment but it will not harm me there is a huge difference.

I challenge you all to identify the placeholders in your life. Not just people but the things you have given the authority to act on behalf of something or someone else. I also challenge you to trust the process and step out of your placeholder position and take the authority to act on your OWN behalf. I pray that God allows us all to let go of placeholders and placeholdings so that we are free in his authority to seek him, trample the snakes and scorpions, and match our words to our deeds to our intentions to build His Kingdom. 

"A Little Romance... just a little bit says..."

What?

I logged onto my BELOVED Google Talk this AM to find one of my boys had a very abrasive status message: So you've never been romanced, and now I'm suppsoed to be prince charming??? O.....KKKKKk..:-/

I had no choice but to confront him. Especially since a few of my closest friends, male AND female, are in relationships that lack that one little thing. What happened to the good old days when romance wasn't something you had to do, it was just something that you just did. Now, it is such a CHORE... calling to say hello on a day you were supposed to be busy, picking up some flowers on the way over, surprising them with lunch at work when you are in the area. These things should be easy because it's not about being lovey dovey, it's about showing someone they are cared about & appreciated. This goes for both sexes.

So before I totally went off, I asked him to explain his message. He says that he and a friend were discussing how she now wants/needs some romance in her life. And he can't seem to understand how at 27 she is just discovering that. My response was, I know 27 year old males that still don't know what romance IS, so she may have always known this was what she wanted but had been forced to abandon the idea because no one she had been attracted to thus far knew what it was. I suggested that she was telling him what she wanted & if he chose to proceed without acknowledging that or making some attempt at such he was doing them both a disservice because that is how she ended up romanceless thus far.

I let him know I was not appreciative of the tone of his message as if romance was a foreign, outdated, or despicable concept. He says because he is in a mood at present, he just wasn't feeling it, but that he may consider it. It's strange because, if this were a woman explaining this to a man she would be considered bitter. But what is it called when the tables are turned?

I suggested he get himself together and stop taking his issues out on innocent people via Google Talk. His replacement message was a little more self-actualizing, but still had a hint of lemon. I hope he works whatever it is out and stops forcing me to get all worked up so damn early in the morning! He got my pressure up I need to go eat a banana!

Back yet again from the abyss

I am here again from the abysmal depths of MySpace to try this PUBLIC bloggery yet again.

I want to announce that I have been to the lowest of lows and returned with a tear-stained face, a full heart & a jaded outlook on men. My male friends are to thank... shouts out to WF, Inc. for showing me how it is possible to be a charming & amazing boyfriend, father, husband, friend & a selfish whoremonger simultaneously & sometimes in the same breath. I love you all because without you, I would probably still be home crying my eyes out over some male-type who never had my interests at heart in the first place.

I will be posting at least once a week... I PROMISE!