I Haven't Written Much of ANYTHING- but I wrote a poem

HEY! Happy New Year!
I come to you all the day after a super intense panic attack that occurred in CHURCH of all places. I will be OK! But I wanted you all to know that anxiety is real and it can come for you at any point. I have mine most often when I am feeling overwhelmed or out of control of a situation and with all that is going on in my world and the world around me, it was almost inevitable.

I have not written much of anything in more than 8 months because I felt like I did not have much to say and some of my feelings, I was not willing to share. I have been going through some things... some great and some not-so-great but I have gone through them. I have gotten to a better place overall. Yes, despite the anxiety attack because I got up this morning, still anxious, and came in to work looking quite adorbs, if I must say so myself. As I sat down at my desk, which I am still in the midst of cleaning off from last year's foolery, I found a poem I wrote about 5 months ago. I haven't written any poetry in forever and I wrote this with the intention of reading it at an open mic, but I never did. So, I am going to share it here.

_____________________________

I Haven't Written Any Poetry

I haven't written any poetry

Since I let my heartsong go

The world has stolen my creativity 

Because everything around me is burning

Some things are a slow burn

While others are accelerated by the gasoline of hatred for my success in a world 

That was never designed to love me

I haven't written any poetry 

Since I thought I could love a man loyal

His smile was devious; yet my heart thought our interactions could usurp his utmost desire

To be sentient refuse with a sense of humor

And when I released him from my embrace 

And back into the world, he bit me

He was afterall a snake 

And he slithered away laughing

I haven't written any poetry

Since reality tv became my new escape

Watching people with talent struggle for something they love 

Opening their lives to cameras- vicarious trauma bonding

As I shouted, "Girl, same!" to the tv screen

Then winning the prize and fading into near-oblivion

I haven't written any poetry 

Since I grew up and out

Heavy with the expectations placed upon me 

By those that love me and know I will succeed

Because it's what I do

It's why I'm their fave

It's how I'm known

It's what's weighing me down

Heavy with the sustenance I purchase and prepare to fill the emptiness inside

That I am told only I can fill

So I try with a little love and a lot of pasta.

I haven't written any poetry

Since I switched to auto-pilot

The me you see has lost so much to age and rage and experience

And is now loosely and lazily navigating life

Through a fog of uncertainty

Out of fear of mediocrity

From a place of passivity

I move forward with cautious stupidity

Hoping that one of life's many, many tragedies

Impacts me and penetrates this apathy

And brings me back my poetry.

_____________________________

Take care of yourself. 

Go to therapy!

Continue to show up and push through. 

Better is coming, I believe it! 

A message to the #notallmen brigade

I am going to keep this brief because I am tired of having to say this.

We know it's #notallmen. 
But your refusal to recognize and address the fact that there are so many men doing these things that MOST women have had similar experiences isn't really helping your "cause". Addressing the women who experience the issue and not the issue itself only proves that woman likely feel unsafe with you. If you feel the need to debate that, think about why.

Despite being presented with screenshot after screenshot of men being trash to women who were otherwise minding their business, men still find the need to address the women in the situation. We aren't the ones that need to be addressed. If you think it's not necessary to address these issues with your friends because they don't do things like that, I assure you there is a woman with a screenshot to prove otherwise. Your homeboys aren't just lying to women, they're lying to you too just like you lie by omission or exaggeration to them.

Be real or be still was the motto and response of my college roommate and I. We asked direct questions and wanted direct answers. The same applies today. When accountability feels like an attack, you're not being real. That's just that. I have addressed my own hypocrisy many times. I am flawed and sometimes (but not often) incorrect. I am honest with myself and others because I live a life that is authentic as I can make it without offending my mama and my ancestors. All I ask is that the men in my sphere do the same and demand the same of their friends. But apparently that is asking too much. Instead I have to choose my words carefully and attempt to be respectful to men who constantly say anything to me and care not about empathy or respect when they wave their NOT ALL MEN banner.

Do better by the women you say you love, the women you claim to like, the "mouthy" women you tolerate because you're attracted to them, the women you are currently disrespectful to in public but inboxing in private because you'd still kinda like to hit that but you don't want to be clowned. I say again: We know it's #notallmen. But we need you to know that it is far too many men. And those men make the women around you feel unsafe because your protest makes you complicit. Instead of addressing the women experiencing these things, talk to the men. Because as tired as you are of saying not all men, women are even more tired of hearing and reading it.

Mourning My Body

This is deeply personal and may be difficult for those dealing with reproductive issues to read, but here goes. My Eulogy for my Uterus.

I have had a menstrual cycle since I was 11 years old. I have been suffering from debilitating cramps and bleeding through my clothes since I was 15. In my 20s I woke up after passing out on the floor of my bathroom on day 1 of my period. I've been on every form of birth control excluding the implant. With these different forms of birth control came different side effects including: hair shedding, weight gain, depression and loss of sex drive. And through it all I still found minimal relief from my periods on most of them.

At 34, I had to have a myomectomy to remove fibroids and endometriosis. During that time, the doctor asked me if I had ever been pregnant. Something about that question being asked in my mid-30s stung. I realized that I had not always been safe, I had not always made wise decisions, but I also had never been pregnant. At this point I had heard of and been through my friends' pregnancies that were successful, unsuccessful and terminated. It was then that I realized that all of these years of distress and pain and embarrassment may have served no purpose because I may not have ever even had the capacity for "viable pregnancy". As much as I try to shake the patriarchal-based upbringing I had, the thought of not being able to have children truly caused me to question myself and my purpose. Unfortunately, my doctor basically reinforced that when I went in for my 6-week appointment. He basically encouraged me to try for a baby VERY SOON even if I had to "hold on to the side of the bed" if it got uncomfortable. At the time, I had a live-in boyfriend of about 3 years. In theory, expanding our family was not so far-fetched but the reality was we were not ready.

At 35, I got my IUD. What a difference a year makes! It had become clear to me that my relationship was coming to an end. The year before he was there with me at the appointments. But then a year later, there I was on the same exam table, alone, getting an IUD. It was supposed to regulate my periods, prevent endometriosis, and reduce the risk of the fibroids returning. 2 years later, the fibroids returned. They were small and not super painful and I was not ready to have a child, so I did not address it.

At 39, I went to the doctor because of pain in my uterus. The doctor doing the exam stated  my uterus was the same size as a 5 month pregnant woman, it was apparent my fibroids had grown more. The ultrasound confirmed and I felt a sense of both dread and relief. Dread because I knew that at 40, it was likely time to consider a hysterectomy. Relief because I had confirmation that my inability to lose this stomach was not all my fault *eyeroll at myself* but also that my 25 year struggle with my reproductive system would be over soon. Which has also caused me grief because after 25 years of struggle with my reproductive system, it would be over without having a baby or knowing if I could.

At 40, just days away from my hysterectomy, I am making peace with the woman I thought I'd  be and the woman I am now. I am realizing that my worth as a woman does not rest solely on my ability to procreate. Which I had already been trying to convince myself of for years. But in the back of my mind there was always that thought, that idea of pregnancy as a possibility. I am perhaps the most practical dreamer I know. While the dream of having a child seemed great, it was not practical based on my current lifestyle. Emotions ain't practical, y'all! I went on a snotty vent a few weekends ago that finally allowed me to say all of the things I wanted to say on both ends of the spectrum.

After 25 years, she and I are parting ways. I do not know who I will be without her, my prayer is that I will be more fabulous, more amazing, more joyous, more adventurous, more confident, more comfortable and with less pain, less monthly anxiety, less ruined clothes!

Something's Different- CARDI!

The outrage about Cardi is based in misogyny. 

 I'm not burying the lede here. I really want to end there. But I'll go on.

Men have done Olympic gold medal level mental gymnastics attempting to equate her revelation to male celebrities accused of rape and I just cannot comprehend how and why they hate women THIS much. I was told that rap lyrics are fictional. Y'all, they told me that as if rappers weren't out here with real criminal records. I do not suffer under the delusion that all rappers are rapping fact. But knowing what I know about the earliest stages of hip-hop legends, not everybody is lying. I have yet to say anything about Cardi specifically. I have only refuted people's comparisons to male rappers. Because it's dumb. Saying rape is greater than robbery is not saying that robbery is right. But that seems to be the only focus. And I am wondering why and how? Why is it redemption is only for men? How is it that rappers go to jail for crimes like domestic violence, rape, attempted murder and never get muted? They come out on top of the charts and sometimes go back to jail for the same crimes and come back again. But when a female rapper admits to doing the same thing that men rap about in a profession that these rappers both revere and disrespect, men who are otherwise silent find their voice? 

Something's different. It's the inherent and internalized misogyny that drives them to suddenly have their eyes opened to people's criminal pasts while still listening to people with a criminal present. Some of these same men AND women don't like Cardi in the first place because she's too free and too sexual and too honest and too loud. All things women have been taught not to be because men won't like them and eventually marry them. Cardi is the opposite of what we were taught a lady should be and yet she's popular somehow and some cannot handle it. Because everything we are taught about women is based in how they should be seen by others as opposed to how they truly want to act and feel. 

Redemption, it seems, is only for men. Ice-T, who was never an actual gang member, was a pimp and a bank robber that rapped about murdering cops. He has now played a fictional cop for longer than he was a non-fictional criminal. No one has tried to mute him. But in what I can only see as retaliation for women wanting men who do bodily harm to women through crimes of power (sexual assault, rape, kidnapping) to suffer consequences, men are demanding Cardi be brought to justice. And I have to ask what's the difference?

Often times I wonder if this nation is more racist than sexist. But incidents like this remind me no, it's still HELLA sexist.

Y'all be BETTER to one another!

Guess Who Loves You More?

I love myself more today than I have in years. Not that I didn't love myself before, but I didn't show myself enough grace for my mistakes while also committing myself to not making them in the same way again. So here, today, on this 1st day of February, I am in LOVE with me.

This has been my affirmation for months now! It came to me from divine intervention (no longer calling anything a whim or a coincidence).

I used to be terrified of new people. New people bring new energy. New energy brings the empath in me into the spotlight and drains her dry, even when the energy is positive. My personality is such that I like new things almost obsessively for short to extended periods of time and then it wears off, suddenly and without warning. This also happens with people... SURPRISE! I will want to spend every minute of my free time in their presence, talking to them, yammering on the phone, telling everyone I know how funnty he or she is. Then one day, they text and I literally don't have the brainspace to respond. they invite me out and I opt for the couch. I have learned to identify the source of that feeling and address it without getting folks feelings involved. I have learned to temper my reactions to new energy that I enjoy and space out my interactions to save myself the drain.

I used to just let these things happen with no brakes (not breaks), but the withdrawals that follow those dopamine loops were just not worth it. Them lows got low low low and made me question my entire existence. Yes, that means what you think it means. I would get so low after I would just not want to be here anymore. Instead of taking myself out, which I knew the thoughts were tricks of the loop, I took myself in. I started doing the internal work to figure out what the hell I was doing wrong and working overtime to get it right.

As I stated in my previous blog, I was a Mean Girl. I was fighting those lows with projection, anger and transferal of energy. Until one day, my spirit had had enough. I stood up to these urges, feelings, people and myself. I confronted me with no illusions that it had anything to do with anyone but me why I was in the space I was in at the time. And I had full understanding that it was going to take help from others, but I was the one responsible for doing the bulk of the work. And for real for real I still have a lot of work to do.

In my past blogs, I have discussed moving forward and doing the work. But now I am ascending, spiritually. The shift I have felt in my spirit over the last months has been visible to others. It has made what used to break me easier to bear. It has given me a freedom to express my true self without concern of judgement because I know that those who are meant to join you on your next level will understand your shift and not fear or fight your shifted mindset if you have done the work to stop fearing and fighting it yourself. WHEW! As I have opened myself up to the spiritual practices and focuses to which I am being led, I have opened myself up to learning and loving me more for and in the fullness of who I truly am. There is less shame in what I do, who I love, how I express myself and where I intend to go.

I am being led away from some of my current places in pursuit of a higher calling. It takes hard work, perseverance, preparation, focus, and sheer desire to ascend. But higher heights are calling, cleansing is occurring, and more peace is forthcoming. I am turned on, tuned in and ready. I am ready with an assurance I have never felt before. I am not going to be deterred like I have every time before. I am going to love my way through to this next level.

I hope to see you at the top!

#Dondothis- Confessions of a Mean Girl

I was a mean girl. I expressed relational aggression in undue directions. I had an us vs. them mentality until I realized I didn't want to be an us... or a them...

When I say I was a mean girl I mean like as recently as last year I was displaying tendencies of a mean girl: being nasty, manipulative, and exclusionary. Then one day, I realized I was being wack. I didn't even have any explanation as to why I was doing what I was doing to the people I was doing it to at the time. People were the targets of my petty, wit, sarcasm and sometimes downright rudeness after having done the least little thing. I realized that I had to extract myself from a mentality that was making others miserable and bringing my vibrations low.

I'm not really a cliqueish person. I have about 6-10 close friends who I hang out with separately or sometimes in a small group. But I never really got down with huge friend groups where everyone was with everyone all the time. My introverted empath could not take all of that. Because of that, from my elementary school days until now, people tend to see me as a lone wolf in need of a pack. People have  often tried to absorb me into their's and I'd go because I was curious. Well, we all know how rude curiosity can be... I was starting to feel suffocated.  I needed out of the cycle of misplaced anger and unnecessary clapback before. One thing about mean girls is they start to turn on each other eventually... WHEW!

So, I placed my anger where it should have been and I clapped back at the necessary people... much like Cady in the movie Mean Girls. And let me tell you, I feel so light! I have opened myself up to opportunities to connect with more like-minded people. I have received unimaginable love and support.

You may notice that the title hashtag usually means a story about someone's son is coming. But I have not been on a date bad enough to blog since I changed my energy. I have had amazing experiences, met incredible men and discovered more about harnessing my power. The bad ones are fewer and farther between. I am not beholden to anyone's ideals or ideas of what my love life should look like. And it has since flourished in all areas. WHEW!

Let me be crystal clear, I can and will still bless you out or meet your ignorance with sarcastic wit, if I deem it necessary. But I am deeming it less necessary these days. I am more intentional about my energy and now choose to focus it on more positive and joyous endeavors. I'm still going to post about people's sons doing dirt, but I encounter it less so you will see it less. I am still an advocate for people especially women of color unduly penalized by the white cishet patriarchy. I am still going to crack jokes and troll people on my social media pages with well-worded posts occasionally. But, what I will not be is a mean girl waiting to strike, who then gathers other mean girls to join in. I'm off that. I can only hope people who were adversely impacted by my actions and my actions by proxy can extend me grace and accept my apology. Self-reflection is a hell of a thing! I am grateful to have the opportunity to reevaluate, recalibrate and refocus!

My vibe changed, my tribe changed, my life changed.

2018 Tho...

2018 has taught me so very much! Mainly, it taught me to let stuff go! Things, people, places, ideas, concepts, people, norms, inhibitions, people...


I have learned the art of letting things float away that don't mean me well. That includes people that call themselves my friends. I have started to advocate for myself in various spaces including speaking my mind to people and not really caring about whether or not they like me after I've said what I said. This has led to some people taking the coward's route of not addressing what I have said and others doubling down on their disdain. Either way, I'm not concerned. Does it sting at first? Of course, but I have a whole life to live and a purpose to carry out that clearly doesn't include them. I am learning to make peace with that.

In contrast to that, I have made connections with people who I am convinced are essential to my next steps! Men who are communicative, expressive and not afraid of feelings and emotions. Women who are supportive, caring, generous and not intimidated by other women's shine. I am grateful for what I have made space for after the garbage took itself out. I am concerned about the amount of garbage that keeps trying to sneak back in, but that's not my focus here today.

My family recently suffered a tremendous loss when my mother's best friend passed away suddenly last week. It's been tough because she was like family to us and watching my mother grieve has been difficult for me because I want to support her in the best way possible while I am also dealing with the loss. But even in this sudden tragedy, God has shown up and shone light on so much these past few days. It makes this process easier to deal with and the stages easier to get through.

Overall, I have grown in 2018 by leaps and bounds. I have been shown who my people are and I have been provided love and support from unexpected places. I have let go of who I thought I should be and started loving who I am even more. I don't think there are enough words or time to explain all that I have learned about who I am and what I am truly capable of but understand that I have a testimony!

As the new year begins and I get back on this road to my PhD, I cannot help but smile because there have truly been people, thoughts, situations and issues sent my way that were clearly intended to break me. Things that others have not survived, but this year, I gained a greater understanding of  my purpose, my personality and my principles. I pray 2019 is as educational, inspirational, propelling and compelling as 2018 was!

Also, related but unrelated.... someone buy me this shirt:

"I Am NOT Okay." and That is Okay!

Did you know that you don't have to be okay everyday? Did you know that pretending you are okay is not helpful or healthy? Did you know that when you are not okay you are not alone and that that that feeling of being alone is a whole entire lie?

These are Bri facts based on my lived experience, observation and what God has downloaded into my spirit. But, look, if you are NOT okay, tell someone.

Who is your person? Scratch that, who are your people? I have a few. I have a coach, a cheerleader,  a hugger, a prayer warrior, a real-talker, a light-shiner, a laugh-bringer and then some! I spread it out because, like many of us, I don't want to feel like a burden to any one person. The thing is, I recognized the gifts in these people to lift me up or call me in (not out) in a way that is helpful and healthy. I know that the things these people do for me are from a place of love, care and concern for me and that helps me remain in a good place to receive what they have to give. Take some time to recognize your human assets. In a time when people treat one another as expendable, it is imperative to find, acknowledge, and magnify value in one another.

I see so many people saying they don't get what they give from anyone and I just find that hard to believe. And maybe, just maybe, it is because they are trying to get things from the wrong source. Tryna get light from dark dwellers. Tryna get real talk from yes men.

That's not how this works

Getting what you need starts with you. You have to be honest with yourself first. Think back to the last time you were not okay. Consult with your spirit and consider what you truly needed in those times. Now, you gotta put your pride aside. You gotta go to the people that will give you those things. If they cannot provide, then you have to go back to the drawing board because you have not gone to the right people. There's nothing wrong with that, do not be discouraged. You are on a journey to get the most out of this here life and along the way you may have to backtrack, check your map, reroute or even change your destination. But you won't know until you're on the road. The most important thing is to get on the road!

We often allow catchphrases like "living my best life" make us feel like we have to be at the top of our game all the time and when we aren't we beat ourselves down, try to bring others down with us, fake it 'til we make it, or sometimes just stop trying altogether. It's okay to NOT be okay sometimes. It's okay to seek your people in those times. It's okay to seek help (THERAPY) when you are not okay for long periods of time. It's okay to ask for directions along the road to wellness. It's okay to not always feel like you haaaave to "be best". It's okay to strive to just be okay sometimes.

Call on your people. Check on your people. Love on yourselves. Holla at your girl.

Related but unrelated- someone buy me this shirt...

Okay, bye!

Cuffing Season Redux

This is going to be brief.
let me start by saying I have drastically reduced the foolishness in my life by swiping left MORE and unmatching QUICKLY! Since that time, things have been gravy. I won't be blogging about the good stuff until I am certain it's dope and not baking soda, so... in the meantime, here's my blurb about the cuffery some folks are attempting.

If you thinkin about gettin that old thang back, don't! If you are thinking about contacting a plushious woman that you've been keeping on the bench until it gets chilly, don't!

The ghosts of summers past have come a-texting. Yes, I can cook. No, I'm not cooking for you. Yes, I love to lay up and watch movies when it's cold. No, I will not be allowing you to join me. Remember how you were too busy this summer? Keep that same energy, dude! It's like a few of y'all looked at the extended weather report and decided it was time to change out your women like you change out your closets.
Just so we are clear I am not only talking about myself. I have a few friends that are thicker than cold grits whose popularity has spiked here lately. And I want you to know, they're on to you, sirs.... so, please, quit it out.

Y'all stay warm! (but not at my house)

#DontDoThis- Setup, Stand Up, Shut Up

So, before I begin, the answer to all of your "Girl, why?"s is "Because why not." The answer to all your "Girl, what?"s is "Chiiiiile, Iowno."


So I was doing my dating app rotation after a particularly harrowing experience with a faceless man who solicited me on a dating app that apparently is teeming with ne'er-do-wells, degenerates and toothless male nurses. But thanks to that app I now know what P2P means... *shudders* But I digress. So I had closed 2 accounts and reopened Plenty of Trash.  My approach this time was different. I was blocking from the first message. If my spidey senses tingled looking at your profile, you got blocked. So enter the municipal worker. His intro message was funny despite the lack of subject-verb agreement: "If you was a vegetable, you'd be a cutecumber." I had never heard that one before and it made me chuckle. I go through his profile. It's pretty blah. Lots of pics in his work uniform. So I respond. We chat a little. I suggest he remove the pic of him shirtless in his work vest that he claims was "sexy" (I assured him it was not!) He actually removed it. A man that can take a suggestion, huh? He doesn't say anything vile, disgusting or off-putting so I give him the burner number.

Fast forward a few days of texting and short phone calls. He keeps asking weird questions that are struggle love adjacent like "would you date a dude with no car?" and when I say "NO!" he tells me that's messed up. Spidey senses activated. He says he wants to go out Friday night. I say ok. I suggest the seafood spot, he asks about the soul food place, I tell him about Bonchon. He's never heard of it. He looks it up and has no idea what anything on the menu is besides chicken and fries. As a foodie, I was concerned. He asks, "What's buhlaaahjee?" I reply, "You mean, bulgogi?" Him, "Yeah, what's that?" I explain, he seems hesitant. Spidey senses tingle. He mentions having been to the fast food pollo place nearby. Spidey senses tingle more.

Friday comes. He's been texting me all damn day. We are on the phone around 6:30 and we're supposed to meet around 8. He's complaining about an issue depositing his check. I'm a full-blown spider now! I tell him that it sounds like he's not going to be able to go out tonight. He insists he's good to go. This spider has decided to build a web. He says he is going to charge his phone and let me know when he's on the way. I call around 7:45 and no answer. I was already on my way to the Thai spot down the street because my mama didn't raise no fool. I ate well and went home.

The next morning I am texting with another guy who tries to pull that whole "send me a pic". I tell him if he wants to see me, set something up. He then asks me to meet him at a popular brunch spot  in an hour. (Actionsssss!) So I am in the bathroom getting ready and my phone rings. I run into the room and answer without looking at the number. Dumb! It's the municipal worker. Dammit, Bri! He says good morning like nothing happened. Me, "Nah. This is not ok." He starts pleading his case. He fell asleep and had 20 missed calls and his roommate (please get your answers to the what or why above) woke him up at midnight to ask if he went out because the $20 he loaned him was still on the coffee table. Yes, you read that right. I said "nah" again and he puts me on hold because his child's mother is calling. I hang up immediately and continue to get ready for an actual date. He calls again and texts. I ignore.

I am driving down the street and decide to listen to the voicemail. Yes, he left one. He's pleading his case and promising me he will make it up to me. Tells me we can go get seafood or anything I want (remember that, it's important). His text is pleading in a similar way. I call back. (please get your answers to the what or why above). He's swearing he will make it up to me. He apologizes. He tells me he will bring me breakfast. I tell him I'm not even home. He asks if I eat crabs because his roommate told him about a seafood carryout with a dozen crabs for $20. I tell him I have plans for the rest of the day. Plus how you offer seafood as a makeup then think someone is going to want $20 crabs? Then he says he will send me lunch money. I almost slowed down on the highway, y'all. Me, "You know what, Imma let you do that." I get off the phone with him. I go on my date, have a great time, attend my meeting and head home to write my paper that is due the next day. I get a text at nearly 1130 saying he's not sure how to use the app. SIR! I ignore it. 20 minutes later, there's money in my Cash app. I cashed that thing out so QUICK!

We talk a little on Saturday and Sunday. I was busy most of the day writing my paper. But he did call me Sunday and told his son to say "hi" to me. Yes, he did. No, I did not respond. I pretended I didn't know his son was talking to me because, sir, what are you doing?

So here's where it really gets weird. He texts me at 6:01 AM on Monday. I respond as I am on the  way to work. He calls. Apologizes again for Friday and asks if I want to go to the movies that night. Mind you the web has been built already. He texts me throughout the day. I ask if we are still on for the movies and he says yes. I tell him what I want to see and the times it is playing near me. The next time it's playing is 7 something after discovering the 9 something is actually a 10:35 movie... nope. As I am heading home, he starts with the bull. It was so much, I may forget something so let me give y'all the exact screenshots.

Not sure what was said in that outgoing call, but I am sure he still said he wanted to go to the movies....

one screenshot is missing where I say I don't want to go to Buffalo Wild Wings OR TGIFriday (his other suggestion). He says he's not really feeling the movies, let's go bowling.

This is real life. Please note that by the time he was talking about Buffalo Wild Wings, I was already on my way to get some dinner because I peeped his game from the Dollar Tree text. Also note he texted me "Hi" again after that wack excuse at which point I blocked him on my way to another date.

Fellas, tell your homeboys to stop doing all of this. Even if you don't think he's this type, tell them to stop. I know this is such an odd amalgam of ashiness and assholery that seems to only happen to me.... but seriously based on the amount of women I know that have had something remotely similar to this happen, it stands to reason that at least one of your friends is doing this type of foolishness and not telling you about it. So gone on ahead and send out that PSA to stop setting up dates they cannot afford, stop standing women up instead of telling them they cannot make it, and start shutting up when women ask them to leave them alone. 

Signed,
Womankind

Back to SKEWL!

Summer is over, y'all!

Over the last few weeks my timeline has been full of pics of my people's kids with their adorable first day of school looks...

Well, here is mine!






I feel JUST like my man Rodney! I am nearing the end of my first quarter in my PhD program and I am asking myself "why is you doing this?" Then I picture the life I want to live int he next few years and get back to the books. Most of my Friday blogging time is spent researching for a class or my dissertation. Ok I'm lying. Most of that time is spent goofing off on FB and pretending to catch up on work that my brain did not have the capacity for during the week. These last 9 weeks have been a test of my patience, organization, and general wherewithal because folks from all aspects have been trying it!

My first week I got into it with a little Miss know-it-all from class. By "got into", I mean she tried to flex her academic pecs (quite poorly, I might add) and I responded with my best academic clapback which included "it would stand to reason" which is academic-speak for "THINK, YOU DUMMY!" From then on, I had only one other incident with her. I know that she was fuuuuming when the professor posted her weekly feedback to the class and I was the onliest one who got praise! I felt like Violet Beauregard when she was talking about her gum-chewing rival:

HI, CORNELIA, HOW ARE YOU, SWEETIE!

There, of course,  have been incidents and run-ins with people's sons not being respectful. This includes somebody's uncle that keeps calling and texting me after refusing to stop referring to me as babygirl, which I asked him to do less than 24 hours before he did it again.



No, you're not missing anything. No, I did not delete my responses. This conversation ended on August 11th when he reluctantly agreed to stop calling me babygirl, strike 1 AND 2. Then doing it again the day we were supposed to go out. Yes, that is a voicemail he left for me sounding as if he was about to file a missing persons report. *sigh*

Lastly, I have some big news! *drumroll* Ok, I lied. Life has been pretty boring and I have been doing my best to avoid undue stress which is why I haven't watched the news in over 2 months. I see what comes across my timeline and I will stop at my co-worker's door to briefly glimpse at CNN, but I no longer tune into the local AM or PM news and listen to the endless cycle of TURRBLENESS that spews forth from this administration. It's been so peaceful! I am on vacation from the world,  y'all... the whole, wide world. Bubble life!

credit: http://shannoneileenblog.typepad.com/.a/6a0120a5c8d9a9970c013488242c9f970c-pi?_ga=2.109488901.1282162731.1536350116-799813132.1536350116

That picture is the perfect visual for how I have been feeling. I have stepped my trolling game up on my own page. I now just repost anti-patriarchal/ misogyny messages from other sources without comment and step back to see what color they gonna put on the wall like Miss Celie. Several folks have unfriended me over the weeks! And to that I say: "Oh well, they're lost!" (misspellings intentional... that's FB speak lol)

In the meantime, in between time, I have been showered with love and support from my friends and family. And for that, I am eternally grateful. This weekend I will be holed up in the house or maybe at my fave workspace busting out a paper where I am the subject. It was threatening to cause me existential crisis, but instead, I chilllllled. 

Y'all keep fighting the good fight and love on your peoples!

This Ain't The Walking Dead, Sir

Hey, listen. First, let's agree The Walking Dead has been trash for several years. The plot is a mess & the zombies' actions are inexplicable and inconsistent. (remember that, it's important!)

Now, let's talk about zombies. Relationship zombies. These are the people who come back from the dead after relationship ghosting (never calling or texting again after being serious for an extended period of time) or blowing up the relationship and themselves along with it and acting as if nothing happened.

Over the past 3 weeks or so, this has happened to me and my ladies SEVERAL times. All these planets in retrograde have y'all out here cutting up! And I will not abide it! Stop doing this. I implore you. In each instance, the woman involved expressed her feelings about the relationship in a way that was calm and direct and in each instance, the dude had in some way faded away without acknowledging the feelings, thrown a tantrum (yes, y'all a tantrum complete with a "you're not my friend anymore"-adjacent response), or acted out so badly there was no sense in trying to set things right.

via GIPHY

Sirs, if this is you, I urge you to seek therapy. As I stated in my tweet last week: You cannot keep throwing tantrums or ghosting or acting out and then coming back days, weeks or months later to "check on" her as if you've done no harm. This is not okay. This is not an apology. This is not an acknowledgment of your poor behavior. This is not a kind gesture. This is toxic behavior that only seeks to ease your own mind at someone else's expense.

We cannot continue treating people who mean us no harm poorly and excuse it away because "that's just how I am". A refusal to do the emotional work is a refusal to mature into a healthy, introspective person. An unwillingness to address, apologize for and ameliorate your wrongdoing is an unwillingness to acknowledge that you view the individual as a human being with feelings. This doesn't mean, blow things up now and apologize later. This means admit you have blown things up in the past and you are going to seek therapy to prevent the situation from happening again.

So to the relationship zombies that refuse to stay dead, if you must reach out to someone let that someone be a therapist. Otherwise, please cease & desist.

#DontDoThis- Foot and Furniture Foolishness

Y'all I'm a day late, but here we go... (All caps in this story are because I am, in fact, YELLING!) 

You would think that with the last date I posted about and the story I am about to relay that I:
A- am LYING... I can't blame you cuz if this stuff had not happened to me, I would think I was lying too!
2- would STOP going to this spot altogether... cuz PEOPLE!

So here's the scene: I'm at my neighborhood hangout/work space... I cannot do school work from home because I am too tempted to do EVERYTHING else. I had been there since 11 AM working on a paper that was due the next day. It's about 5 PM, I'm sitting on the far left side of the couch minding my business. There is one girl in the second chair on the left side of the LARGE table reading a book. The couch facing me is empty, the chaise to the right of me is empty (remember that it's important).

I am on the final section of a 7 page paper that was 0 pages at the beginning of the day, when it happens... this lady walks in, walks by the 2 empty couches and flops down next to me. I looked at her like "why, ma'am?" She smiles at me and says she just needs to plug in her laptop. The power strip my laptop was plugged into was behind me to the left. She was sitting to the right. It was at this time I pointed to the empty couch to the right and informed her there was an outlet on the floor directly in front of that couch. She made a huge dramatic event out of "looking" for this giant metal circle in the floor similar to you instructing a toddler to hand you something directly in front of them & they are looking leaning over and looking past it repeating "Where? Wherrrrrre? Whhheeere?" She does not take the hint and begins to unpack her things anyway. If you know nothing else about me, know that my ignore game is strong, my observational skills are stronger and my foolery detector is even strongerer. So while I wasn't responding to her, I saw and heard what was going on and I could feeeeeeel something brewing.

My paper was on exploring sexuality at middle age and I had one of the articles on full display on my laptop screen. She leaned over and said: "Excuse me," I took my headphones out of one ear and look at her with a blank face, "I don't mean to be nosy..." (TOO LATE!) "but are you writing a book?" I tell her in the driest, I'm-not-here-to-people voice I can muster that I am writing a paper that is due tomorrow. I cut her one last lemme lone look and turn back to my paper. She is officially on my watchlist now. The girl to my left looks up at her & then back down at her book.

The waiter comes over and she asks him for hot water and lots of sugar. Yes, she did what you think she did. As the waiter walked away she pulled some Royal Cup tea packets out of her bag. She was about to start making her own tea! This is when her cavalcade of foolishness commenced.

The waiter returns with a mug of hot water and a handful of sugars. She balks! She reaches over to MY KETTLE and says "I want one of these!" and holds it up.  At this point I was convinced she was dealing with a mental health issue because who does any of this? I was done with the thing anyway, but SERIOUSLY!?!? The waiter says okay & hands her the sugars. She hands him the brown sugar packets that were in the container on the table and tells him he can take them. He informs her he has to leave them on the table. He leaves to get her kettle. The girl to my left look up at her & then back down at her book. I keep typing FURIOUSLY to complete this paper, because.... When the waiter returns with the kettle, she demands a plate and a spoon. But she says it as if she was insulted that he would not provide her a full tea service- kettle, mug, napkin, & lemon on a plate- for her tea that she likely took from her job's kitchen. The girl to my left looks up at her & then back down at her book. I continue typing.

Finally satisfied, she picks up her laptop which she still hasn't PLUGGED IN, Y'ALL! And she pulls out THIS book:

Here's part of the blurb from Amazon on this unreviewed book: "You're surrounded by ruined dreams and shattered aspirations. Enemies attack you from without and within. Welcome to Nehemiah's world. This humble servant of God fought against overwhelming odds and prevailed. In Rebuilding What the Enemy Almost Destroyed Pastor Paul Sheppard shares practical insights for rebuilding your life and reclaiming peace and joy. Paul Earl Sheppard has been preaching since his teens and has been in pastoral ministry since 1982."

Prior to her arriving, a friend of mine had joined me and we had 2 laptops, 2 phones, tea service and food spread out on this side of the table. After I turned the brightness down on my phone screen- because she was obviously watching what I was doing- and started texting said friend, I noticed that the space on my side of the table was decreasing. At one point my phone was nearly resting on her book. It was time to go! But I was putting the finishing touches on the paper and did not want to stop working because I knew when I went home it was a wrap for doing any work.

The waiter came back and she finally ordered some food. Before he could even get her order down, she says to him in the same annoyed voice she's been speaking to him in this whole time, "Utensils! Please!" The girl to my left looked up at her & then back at her book. A few minutes go by and the lady seems to be chilling. Then out of the blue, I heard her say, "You know, I was thinking...."  to no one in particular. I think she THOUGHT she was talking to me, but I refused to take my eyes off my screen. She never finished her statement and I never acknowledged her. 

Just as I had gotten back in my groove, she took her shoes off! Y'ALL! Y'ALL! Y'AAAALLLLLLLUH! And as if that wasn't bad enough, she swung her feet around, BRUSHED MY LEG as she tucked her feet under her on the couch! The devil on my left shoulder was like, "OH, TELL HER YOU NOT HERE FOR THE GAMES! She over here playin in your FACE!" The angel on my right shoulder told me to show compassion, so I only gave her the death glare. She laughed it off and said something akin to "I got you, girl!" (huh?) but did not say excuse me. The  girl to my left looked up at her &  then back down at her book. IT WAS TIME TA GO! I started typing up the last sentences of my conclusion as she pulled a large scarf from her bag, flung it out near me & tucked herself in like she was finna take a nap! Mind you there were still two empty couches one of which was a CHAISE LOUNGE! She could've gotten as comfortable as she pleased on ANY of them. I was thinking this is a test... this is a test! She moved around a bit & her feet touched me again. The devil on my left shoulder was screaming: "CUSS HER OUT! CUSS THIS BIH OUT!" The angel on my right shoulder was whispering softly: "Where is your empathy? You're a therapist. Remain calm." I was on the highest of alerts by now but I had to finish. Or DID I? 

Spoiler alert: I didn't! Right as I was about to start the reread, y'all she started laughing to herself. And not softly. The girl to my left looked up at her & back down at her book. Something in that laugh caused the angel and the devil to be on one accord as they both screeeeeamed in my ear: "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" I hit Ctrl+S on my keyboard and slammed my computer shut.  I reached over to unplug my computer and shoved everything down in my bag. I slid past the girl on my left  and walked out without looking back.

The next day, I am telling the story and my sister's friend asks me what she looked like. I described her and she asks me about a very particularly noticeable feature. I confirm. She tells me that she has seen her before laughing and talking to herself in other public places. 

Monday, I am go back to the restaurant because I pretty much live there now. As my friends and I are wrapping up dinner at one of the tables by the door, she walks in! She goes over to the couch & sits in the exact spot I was in on Saturday, leaves her shoes on and works quietly. My friends looked at me like I was lying about that being her. She left before we did and as she was leaving, I looked down but saw her smile and wave at my friend. Y'all, I think she just wanted her seat! 

via GIPHY

Don't Do This- Detrimental Dating Decorum

Y'all! I went on a date Sunday with a dude that flew in from the midwest. When he first reached out to me online it said he was in Baltimore which was already a "maybe" for me because me & men from Baltimore just shouldn't, EVER!

I show his pic to a friend and she says she knows of him. She gives me his full name and I look him up on the 'Book and see that he is not in Baltimore at all. I ask my friend about it and she confirms he is not from Baltimore and even checks his page for me to see if he maybe moved or something. She tells me he seems cool, but that he has said things that may raise a yellow flag. I ask him about where he lives and he tells me he is actually in the midwest and I'm all, no thanks I don't do long distance. And he's all not respecting my wishes like: "I can fly to you!" (remember that, it's important). So, I give him my burner number, because safety. He texts and calls and I'm not really feeling any kind of way about him. He mentions coming to the area and I told him that I was leaving town for nearly a week that week. He says we can do dinner on that Sunday. I say okay and then totally forget until he tells me he landed. OOPSIE!

He asks me where I want to meet. I tell him and I guess he looked up the address and said that would work. He calls me just before we are supposed to meet and asks to push the time back an hour. The spot is right near me so I am fine with it and laze about in the bed for another 30 minutes. I get to the spot and I am seated already when he walks in. I knew he was a big guy, but his pics underrepresented his size. I'm not trying to fat shame so I'm going to leave it at that. The important thing is that his shirt was terribly wrinkled. He sits down and we start chatting and looking over the menu. This spot has typical restaurant fare as well as vegan and vegetarian options. He looks over the menu and asks: "What kind of place did you bring me to?" I looked at him with the WTH? face.

He is asking me if I'd been on any good dates. I tell him no and tell him about the dude that didn't order anything and laughed when the bill came and I asked if I was supposed to pay. But in the middle of the story, the waitress comes by and he interrupts me to flag her down. He asks her for cheese fries, y'all! This isn't TGI Friday or Chili's! There aren't any cheese fries on the menu. But he makes her bring him fries and cheese sauce without asking me if I wanted an appetizer. The waitress (who had the same name as me) looked at me and gave me the quick eyes wide look. I shot her a IDK face and she walked away to put in his order. He then turns to me and says "Sorry, go ahead. I just needed to order something to take the edge off." Y'all. Y'all!

During this time, I apologize profusely about using my phone and explain to him that I am the point of contact for the trip the next day and people are messaging me and texting me about it. That was false! I was giving my aforementioned friend a blow by blow because I was truly disturbed. So we continue talking and I ask him what brings him to the area. Mind you we had this discussion that I was not going to be in town that week. And he also said he had a cousin here or something. His reply this time was: "I came to see you." But I definitely asked him before he arrived why he was coming and that was not what he said the first time.  He followed up with: "Because I knew you weren't going to come see me." The snark in his voice almost flipped my bitch-switch. Remember when I told you that I already told him that I don't do long distance relationships and he walked right on around that? Yeah, so this hint of sarcasm in his reply was frustrating to say the least.

The waitress comes to take our order and I get the catfish. (See what I did there?) He says he'll have the same. The waitress then informs him that the catfish is not deep fried. She glances at me, I say I know. He is not pleased with that. He's all oh no no no, let me get a burger then. As he's looking at the burgers, the waitress describes the lamb burger to him as an option. He looks disgusted and says: "That must be some east coast stuff." I say: "Actually it's Mediterranean." He says: "That's even farther east!" The waitress gives me the "Oh, girl!" look. I look down at my phone. He orders a burger with pickles only and a side of mayo. Then he asks the waitress what sides they had. She runs through them and he asks about mashed potatoes and gravy. She tells him TWICE they don't have gravy. He then resigns himself to the idea of ordering more fries. At this point, he tells me about his adoration for potatoes and runs through a list of his faves like Bubba in Forrest Gump. (That part may not have actually happened like that, but by this time I felt like I was in a movie or on Punk'd or something, so my mind may have added that particular part to the story.) The food comes and his table manners are atrocious. I'm ready to go home, but that catfish was some kinda good.

The bill comes and I'm sitting there with my arms folded. He reads this as me hoping he pays the bill and jokes about it. In my head I'm like I spent 3 digits in a steakhouse on Friday just because, aint nobody worried about who finna pay for your cheese fries! He says something about me sending him an evaluation of the date because dating is his craft. SIR? SIR! Sir...... I groan out an "Oh, really?" That's when it happened.... He starts talking about women going into hiding and coming out around 40 trying to get married. I tell him that I was not hiding. He says you're not 40. I say I will be next year. He's confused because he thought I was younger. He says oh well, I know you are trying to have a baby REAL soon. Me: No, I'm not. I can't have children. *death stare* Him: what about adoption or in vitro? Y'all! I tell him I am not going to talk about this with you and tell him I am ready to leave. He offers to walk me to my car. As we are walking to my car he asks why I parked so far. Y'all, it was the actual parking lot for the restaurant. I chose to park there instead of on the street. As I am walking to the car, he cuts across the street instead of walking to the corner without telling me. I am standing at my car with my hand on the handle and he reaches in to awkwardly give me a hug. I get in the car and he walks off. I never bothered to correct him on his behavior because I could tell he was not the type to comprehend his shortcomings. (remember that, it's important)

I call my friend immediately and recount the date. She is horrified and apologetic because she thought his yellow flag posts were just to get people talking. But apparently he believes his own bull. As I am heading into the house my friend says: "Girl, he just posted about you!" and sends me this screenshot:

Y'ALL!
1- what "rule" is this???
B- How oblivious do you have to be to not think that your personality and decorum on the date was the catalyst and not some imaginary lack of manners?

She watched the post and sent me some replies for entertainment purposes. I really started to send the screenshot to him, but realized he was not worth it. She and another mutual friend tried to get him to self-reflect but he was not having it!

Then the next day he posts that he will soon be crowning the last woman standing. Whomever she is, God bless her because he is a PHILISTINE!

Superhero, Super Strength, Super Over It!

THANK YOU, Therese Patricia Okoumou!

In an era of thumb thugging and social media activism, Therese put her body on the line. She kicked the Abolish ICE protest up a notch on July 4th and thousands (probably millions) missed the point. People admonishing her for disrupting people's good time pretending that the Statue of Liberty was still the beacon of hope in the harbor it used to be. As it stands now, in this current state of America, Lady Liberty is a liar. People being separated from their children for seeking asylum. People being deported en masse. People who believed in the promise of the United States are having their beliefs shattered... natural born citizens included.

One African immigrant brought international attention to this. and for that she was both deified and vilified. And honestly, I am tired of it. Women of color have been stepping up to the plate, saying what needs to be said, doing what needs to be done and either left on a pedestal alone or knocked down, beaten and tossed under the bus by the very people for whom they were fighting (See Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and The Honorable Maxine Waters). I'm over it.

Throughout my life I have been the voice of what everyone was thinking. But time and again I was met with fake shock that I would say that and once I even remember a room full of people actually looking away when I said what we had already agreed needed to be said. I'm over it.

In the shadow of this event, a black male veteran of these United States chastised women for "being naked" in the midst of a heatwave with indexes upwards of 100 degrees. He basically said they deserved to be disrespected because apparently "being naked" in the midst of  a heatwave is an open invitation. In his mind, there is no weather warm enough to warrant bandeaus and booty shorts. Black women should use their super strength to bear the heat in more clothes and if they do not, they should use that super strength to defend themselves in the face of harassment because he was not coming to your rescue. this vet who fought for freedom made it clear it did not include the freedom to dress as you please and be able to do so without harassment. I'm over it.

As always, this is not what I intended to write on so this may be all over the place but let me say this:
Black women are not your superheroes. Black women are tired of saving your day, speaking your piece and being left to take the heat alone. Black women are tired of advocating for people's rights, taking stands against the system and being told we will not be protected. I'm over it.

Please note that Therese's protest was not a "planned" part of the Abolish ICE demonstration as the other protesters were quick to point out.... also, this is not Therese's first protest in the name of discrimination!

THANK YOU, Therese Patricia Okoumou!

Discernment, Intuition, Self-Sabotage & GI Joe

I have always felt that I have both the gift of discernment and can be quite intuitive as it relates to other people. I was always able to tell my friends upon meeting a new person: "I don't like them, not sure why." And later it would come out that the person was actually a pile of garbage wearing nice clothes. But for the life of me, I could not figure out why I couldn't use it on myself. As it turns out, I can! Yaaaaay! But they only alert me to negative situations. Boooo! - Another fine "Yay! Boo! Moment brought to you by My Life

For instance, the day I told my friend about this guy that was pursuing me, Jazmine Sullivan's Let It Burn was playing and I picked up on it at the chorus. (Call me crazy but I think I found the love of my life). Fast Forward a few months later, he and I are riding in awkward silence and the song comes on again in his car. I'd been feeling like it was the beginning of the end but I had been praying for clarity. So when it came on I'm thinking why THIS song at THIS moment? Knowing what I know now, I realize it was a bookend.

Then there was the guy that every time I would see him, I'd have butterflies in my stomach. I thought it was excitement! Turns out the butterflies were telling me: Molly, you in danger, girl!

I used to be the Queen of cut and run. Not ghosting. But any sign of uncertainty from someone's son and I was like: I'm good, luv. Enjoy! I am sure somewhere among my various blogs here and on Myspace I talk about being a self-saboteur. I was so terrified of looking dumb or getting played in my mid-20s that I was playing defense so hard to the point I was playing offense as well. I made a conscious effort to be more patient, understanding and open.... Y'all can read back through these blogs and see how that turned out.

So, while I'm no longer planning to actively sabotage. I am definitely going to trust my gut more often. While it sucks to think that my gifts are currently only honed to sniff out trouble, at least now I know....

19 Days: How My Cable Box Outed My Depression

I started a blog weeks ago called Blogging from a Good Place.... and never completed it for, well reasons. May is Mental Health Awareness month and I am just acknowledging that I spent the first half of this month unaware of my mental health. *sigh*

I have fallen into the social media trap of making things look good. Even my sadness had hope. But that is not always the case. I was concerned about putting my anxiety on display for public consumption because I know there are people out there that would feed off of it. I realize that keeping that under wraps is inaunthentic and goes against who I want to believe I am and who I strive to be.
So, I will say this now. I have been having quite a battle with depression lately.

It was functional. If you weren't my mama or my closest friends you probably would not have known. I even tried to overlook it myself until one day about 2 weeks ago I sat down in my living room, turned on my tv and there it was staring me in my face, indisputable evidence of my depressed condition. My cable box has a power-save mode and when you turn it on, it tells you how long it's been in power-save mode. There it was on digital display, a numeric breakdown of how long I've been in this depression. 460+ hours.... That's 19 days. (full disclosure I was out of town a FEW of those days, but that was almost in the middle of those days, so it still counts... keep reading)

That's 19 days of me coming home, bypassing my living room and getting directly in the bed. That's 19 days of me laying in bed until it was time to be somewhere. That's 19 days of me not cooking dinner while watching DVR or TV or Netflix or listening to Pandora. That's 19 days of me convincing myself I was just exhausted and needed more rest. That's 19 days of a gray cloud in my home that I had convinced myself did not exist. I was still going out with friends and laughing and joking and fulfilling my duties at all of my jobs. But I was going to church on those Sundays and feeling so heavy and uncertain that people took notice. I thank God for those people who, at the time were upsetting me by constantly hugging me and asking if I was okay. Those people were a reminder that I was seen and I did not have to deal with this alone. I know that now, but then, I was annoyed!

I was also supposed to be in a new relationship (that's a story I may or may not ever tell here). But know that the way that relationship was going was a catalyst for this 19 days. Uncertainty, misunderstanding, poor communication and what boils down to emotional manipulation are not a great mix for newfound like.

So there I was on my couch a few weekends ago staring at my depression on digital display. I was thinking to myself, "Oh honey, no. This is not okay!" But it made sense. I was ignoring the signs and downplaying the symptoms and explaining away the cause. But my DVR was like, "Nah, girl, you need to see this."

Sometimes we can overlook depression because it's not manifesting physically. Because we can still wake up every morning and get dressed and put on make up and go out into the world, we think we're fine. Because we are only crying on Sunday and maybe for about 5 minutes on Thursday, we think we're fine. Because we still have an appetite and a desire to go out with our friends, we think we're fine. Because we still want to live life and be hopeful, we think we're fine. However, it's the little things that let you know you aren't as fine as you are convincing yourself you are. And you know you are convincing yourself because otherwise you wouldn't have been able to explain anything away because there would be nothing to explain.

Don't be fooled into thinking that depression (or a depressive episode) looks a certain way.

It's not always:

• laying in bed crying everyday- I only cried about 4 times over that 19 days and only twice did it occur in bed. 
• hiding from everyone and wanting to be alone- I was everywhere I was supposed to be and then some!
• leaving out of your house looking a mess- I was still out in these streets cute as ever... hair done, nails done, everything did! 

Sometimes it's:

• the constant feelings of fatigue- going from the front door to the bed everyday for 19 days. 
• persistent anxiety- I woke up almost every morning feeling nauseated, I even threw up a few times.
• being hard on yourself- I was blaming myself for any and everything that was going wrong personally and professionally.
• trouble focusing- my mind was much like my current Chrome browser, 20 tabs open at once. But my brain was clicking through them all in random order at random times!
• irritability- I was more agitated than usual, if you can believe that. I was ready to quit jobs and people. Full disclosure- I unfriended, unfollowed and muted several people during this time for various reasons.

These are just a few of the things I was experiencing and ignoring or suppressing or explaining away until my DVR called me out. I leaned on a few people to lift myself up: my mama, my God, my therapist, my girls, and my primary care physician. I'm still climbing out of the dimness that was threatening to turn into darkness. 

Pay attention to what your body is telling you. Pay attention to what the universe is telling you. Sometimes the message comes from the cable box!

I urge you to get the medication, get the therapy, get the hugs, get the sage, get the prayer, get the help! 

(side note: there was a graphic I found to go with this about Mental Health Awareness but there was a typo on it so I decided not to use it because, I don't play that! lol)

Still Tired!

Y'all I wanna cry!
via GIPHY

It's coming today, I can feel it.

Life just trudges along and sometimes it draaaaags you with it. All your worry and second-guessing and uncertainty and exhaustion. You have to just believe that it'll be all good in the end. But your plan isn't always God's plan and God's plan can seem convoluted just when you think you have it figured out.

Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." And I try to remember this as the pit of worry in my stomach seems to grow. They say you can't pray and worry, but they also know how difficult that is or they wouldn't have had to come up with the saying in the first place. I don't have no solutions, y'all! I'm in the thick of it and all I can do is keep going. I can't let it keep me down. I know that others are going through something similar.

Y"all keep going. Call your people. Seek wise counsel. Take a nap. Cry it out. Keep going!

Apologizin' is Hard to Do

The great Peter Cetera and David Foster penned a song for the band Chicago called "Hard to Say I'm Sorry" in which he expresses regret and promises to love, but admits it was hard for him to say those words. He even says that he really wants to say "I'm sorry". But he doesn't ever truly apologize.

When you say, "I'm sorry" to my friend's mom, she says, "Don't be sorry, be better." It may seem cold, but it's important to understand that an apology should ALWAYS come with a change in behavior. Otherwise, you're just sorry- in a pitiful state. An apology is an expression of regret.

Choose your words carefully. Saying "I apologize if"... is dismissive and shows you have little to no concern for the person's feelings. Saying "I apologize that"... demonstrates that you are aware that your actions had a negative impact on the person. Anita models a pretty good apology in her song "I Apologize". She says she is wrong, admits to being unkind and promises to do better in the future.

It is never easy to admit your wrongdoing. But it is freeing. It frees up your spirit and allows you to let go of the guilt you feel. That guilt that has you still torturing  the person you harmed by pretending nothing ever happened or that you were not to blame.

I have talked about apologies on an occasion or two because I want to believe that people will eventually understand that that hostility you feel toward certain people dissipates once you specifically acknowledge your wrongdoing and do what is necessary to make the necessary changes in you so that it does not happen again. Allowing your guilt to fester and turn into resentment for the person you harmed is not a healthy coping mechanism. DO THE WORK!

Image from: http://archive.lyza.com/2008/11/10/letterpress-i-apologize-cards/index.html

Black Woman Burn Out

I'm tired, y'all... I need a vacation.

from: http://clutchmagonline.com/2016/01/open-thread-do-you-ever-feel-tired-of-being-black/

I've been so busy doing so much for so long... I haven't even posted a new blog.

But I have got to get back to it. So here's my beef today. I am tired of feeling like I have to defend everything anti-Black & everything misogynistic & everything dumb, stupid, ignorant and majorly ridiculous. I am unable to sit idly by and watch foolishness occur aorund me, but then I run the risk of being the angry black woman.

It's exhausting and I'm frankly tired & getting burnt out! BURNT, you hear me?

With that being said, I am keeping my commitment to ME to keep blogging. But also I need a vacation, so that needs to happen sooner rather than later. With every news story about y'all president and every FB post referring to Black women as "females" (when based on context clues you KNOW they meant bitches), I grow more and more weary. But I cannot give up on helping the world be better one response, conversation, blog post at a time. I was told that some of my blog posts are out there but I'll be that because this is the world as I experience it.

Just know that for now, I will be taking it a lil bit easier because I'm tired.

In the meantime, check out my friend Cheryl Giscombe's work on this subject: