This Ain't The Walking Dead, Sir

Hey, listen. First, let's agree The Walking Dead has been trash for several years. The plot is a mess & the zombies' actions are inexplicable and inconsistent. (remember that, it's important!)

Now, let's talk about zombies. Relationship zombies. These are the people who come back from the dead after relationship ghosting (never calling or texting again after being serious for an extended period of time) or blowing up the relationship and themselves along with it and acting as if nothing happened.

Over the past 3 weeks or so, this has happened to me and my ladies SEVERAL times. All these planets in retrograde have y'all out here cutting up! And I will not abide it! Stop doing this. I implore you. In each instance, the woman involved expressed her feelings about the relationship in a way that was calm and direct and in each instance, the dude had in some way faded away without acknowledging the feelings, thrown a tantrum (yes, y'all a tantrum complete with a "you're not my friend anymore"-adjacent response), or acted out so badly there was no sense in trying to set things right.

via GIPHY

Sirs, if this is you, I urge you to seek therapy. As I stated in my tweet last week: You cannot keep throwing tantrums or ghosting or acting out and then coming back days, weeks or months later to "check on" her as if you've done no harm. This is not okay. This is not an apology. This is not an acknowledgment of your poor behavior. This is not a kind gesture. This is toxic behavior that only seeks to ease your own mind at someone else's expense.

We cannot continue treating people who mean us no harm poorly and excuse it away because "that's just how I am". A refusal to do the emotional work is a refusal to mature into a healthy, introspective person. An unwillingness to address, apologize for and ameliorate your wrongdoing is an unwillingness to acknowledge that you view the individual as a human being with feelings. This doesn't mean, blow things up now and apologize later. This means admit you have blown things up in the past and you are going to seek therapy to prevent the situation from happening again.

So to the relationship zombies that refuse to stay dead, if you must reach out to someone let that someone be a therapist. Otherwise, please cease & desist.

Placeholders

Over the past few months, I've been dealing with some men ("some" meaning more than one but less than 10).  "Dealing with", not really dating... just kinda dealing... Men that I knew were too young, too immature,  too insecure, too used to drama, too busy, "not good enough" (THEIR words, not mine). After reading The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas, I know that there is not ONE person for everyone, but several if you are seeking someone to aid you in the building of God's kingdom. These men were not that. I am in the process of discovering who God would have me to be for Him to this world and these men had no clue. Not to down them, they had great hearts, and some even appeared to have a DESIRE to follow Matthew 6:33: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." which is the verse that the aforementioned book is based upon, however... they were simply PLACEHOLDERS.

placeholder

noun

1. a person authorized to act for another

In my mind, and at least once in my heart, I was giving these men authorization to act on behalf of  a man that better fit into my future. But in doing so, where was this man to go if someone was holding his place? This man may be ANY of the things that I mentioned above but if he is seeking the kingdom, it would look and feel differently to me. He may be younger but have an old soul... I have NO desire to have an argument about whether the original WILLY WONKA and the Chocolate Factory was better than Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with a man in his 20s who has only seen the latter! He may be insecure but  in seeking the kingdom he allows himself to love me and me to love him and his insecurities fade... I have NO desire to deal with someone teetering back and forth between no drama with me and known chaos with someone else. He may be busy, but in seeking the kingdom, he realizes that he can and will make time for a woman who is also seeking the kingdom with whom he can build. He may not be good enough, but in seeking the kingdom his actions (not plans, but deeds) have him on a path to becoming a better person, not for me, but for God. But if these other men are holding his place, how and where will he fit?

These placeholders were granted authority out of loneliness, from a place of almost giving up, with the thought that SOMETHING was better than NOTHING. Because I "was not ready for a real relationship" it was ok to have hemidemisemiquavers taking the place of a whole note... for those that don't know music, that's 1/64th of a whole... that's several notes that you have to use to equal a whole (iowno math)

From: http://www.learnclassicalguitar.com/

In some cases, I was the placeholder for them. I am a lot of things (some awesome, some good, some not so great), but I am NOT a placeholder. God knows I'm not perfect, but I am a woman that is seeking the kingdom. This morning on FB, my update from "God Wants You to Know" stated that "well done is always better than well-said". I talk a LOT but I try my best to make my words match up with my deeds and I am trying to make sure my deeds match my intentions in a way that impacts the kingdom positively. And for that reason, I know that I am not a placeholder. I am not a proxy, a  surrogate, a backup, a fill-in or a substitute. I am the original, the archetype, the model, the pattern, the paradigm. I must continue to see myself as such and act as such. 

Sure, I'm loud, a little raunchy, I have a sophomoric sense of humor, I still curse a little (ok sometimes a lot but not in front of children, pastors & old people anymore), I drink, I like a little ratchet music every now and then. But I am leaps and bounds away from where I used to be, how I used to be, what I used to be and WHY I used to be. I work regularly to do and be better and I cannot stand in place. I am not a placeholder for any man on this earth, God has given me the authority to overcome all the enemy's power and nothing will harm me (Luke 10:19). It may hurt for a moment but it will not harm me there is a huge difference.

I challenge you all to identify the placeholders in your life. Not just people but the things you have given the authority to act on behalf of something or someone else. I also challenge you to trust the process and step out of your placeholder position and take the authority to act on your OWN behalf. I pray that God allows us all to let go of placeholders and placeholdings so that we are free in his authority to seek him, trample the snakes and scorpions, and match our words to our deeds to our intentions to build His Kingdom. 

One Man's Treasure...

is another man's option...

I've recently had to go about the task of informing various males that I am indeed no longer mingling. As J would say, I'm going steady. And this information, to some has been a bit of a blow, perhaps JUST to their ego. But it has led me to see that some guys don't want you, but they don't NOT want you. Dumb, right? There have been guys that I was dealing with, talking to, etc. for a year or more that have never mentioned anything remotely serious with me. So how then can they be upset that I have moved on? Oddly enough this blog may be the way that some of them find out. But I didn't feel compelled to call them all up and have "the talk". There is really no talk to have, honestly.

If I talk to you once in a blue moon about nothing serious or in particular, should I call you up out of the blue and say: "Hey, I know you don't care enough about me to be with me, but someone does and has decided to and I have taken him up on that. I hope there are no hard feelings as you will no longer be able to call me randomly and try to flirt with me, make me feel special and keep your options open. ok?" *end call*

For some it's about having options, but never having to choose. I never pressed any of them out for status because ultimately I knew, even if I was #1, there were other numbers. So now that there are no other numbers for me, can they really try to pull rank?  Am I using too many metaphors & idioms & analogies & such? have I even used ANY?

Anyway... options aren't open-ended, eventually you will have to choose. Sometimes the choice is made for you.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

So I made a VERY difficult decision in December of 2009. I had to cut ties with someone that had come to mean a lot to me despite the fact that everytime I was with them I ended up sick on the stomach, literally. It had gotten to the point where enough was ENOUGH! I decided as of January 1 we could no longer deal with each other in anyway. I would not be coming to visit, I would not be hooking up for old times' sake, I would ignore all things even ASSOCIATED with them. And on this 25th day of January things have been going well, but I'm really getting the urge to stop by just to say "Hi". *sigh*

He has even resorted to havin his guys call me... REGULARLY! Why can't he just leave me alone? He wasn't very good to me when we would get together so why now that I'm gone is he trying to draw me back in. But where he really messed was I saw his next one & she is NO treat. I mean really, she's just so unappealing to me I know for a fact now that he has NOT upgraded since I left... HA! So, if you all don't mind, I would like to get some things off my chest...

*ahem*

Dear Mr. McDonald,
Please tell your fries to stop calling me. I have told them time and again that you and I have broke up & I ain't never coming back! I loved you and all you ever did was make me sick, sad and fat! At first I thought I couldn't live without you, because that is what you WANTED me to believe. You were everywhere I went  on the way to church, on the way to my mother's house, at the mall, in the Wal-mart... But I refused to let you draw me back in. Every time we were together I ended up in pain and you couldn't care less. And I've seen that new MESS that you are parading around town a Mac Wrap- a skinny, cracked out version of your last winner. I'm not impressed, it is clearly a sad desperate trick to pique my curiosity. Well you got my attention, but not in a good way. 


So let me just end by saying McDonald's "you're a liar and you're a cheat and I don't want you. No, I don't want you. I don't want you. I don't want you. I don't want you. I don't want you no more!" So take your Mac Wraps and your chemically enhanced food and get out of my life! Please don't make me have to get a restraining order against you, because I will!