This Ain't The Walking Dead, Sir

Hey, listen. First, let's agree The Walking Dead has been trash for several years. The plot is a mess & the zombies' actions are inexplicable and inconsistent. (remember that, it's important!)

Now, let's talk about zombies. Relationship zombies. These are the people who come back from the dead after relationship ghosting (never calling or texting again after being serious for an extended period of time) or blowing up the relationship and themselves along with it and acting as if nothing happened.

Over the past 3 weeks or so, this has happened to me and my ladies SEVERAL times. All these planets in retrograde have y'all out here cutting up! And I will not abide it! Stop doing this. I implore you. In each instance, the woman involved expressed her feelings about the relationship in a way that was calm and direct and in each instance, the dude had in some way faded away without acknowledging the feelings, thrown a tantrum (yes, y'all a tantrum complete with a "you're not my friend anymore"-adjacent response), or acted out so badly there was no sense in trying to set things right.

via GIPHY

Sirs, if this is you, I urge you to seek therapy. As I stated in my tweet last week: You cannot keep throwing tantrums or ghosting or acting out and then coming back days, weeks or months later to "check on" her as if you've done no harm. This is not okay. This is not an apology. This is not an acknowledgment of your poor behavior. This is not a kind gesture. This is toxic behavior that only seeks to ease your own mind at someone else's expense.

We cannot continue treating people who mean us no harm poorly and excuse it away because "that's just how I am". A refusal to do the emotional work is a refusal to mature into a healthy, introspective person. An unwillingness to address, apologize for and ameliorate your wrongdoing is an unwillingness to acknowledge that you view the individual as a human being with feelings. This doesn't mean, blow things up now and apologize later. This means admit you have blown things up in the past and you are going to seek therapy to prevent the situation from happening again.

So to the relationship zombies that refuse to stay dead, if you must reach out to someone let that someone be a therapist. Otherwise, please cease & desist.

19 Days: How My Cable Box Outed My Depression

I started a blog weeks ago called Blogging from a Good Place.... and never completed it for, well reasons. May is Mental Health Awareness month and I am just acknowledging that I spent the first half of this month unaware of my mental health. *sigh*

I have fallen into the social media trap of making things look good. Even my sadness had hope. But that is not always the case. I was concerned about putting my anxiety on display for public consumption because I know there are people out there that would feed off of it. I realize that keeping that under wraps is inaunthentic and goes against who I want to believe I am and who I strive to be.
So, I will say this now. I have been having quite a battle with depression lately.

It was functional. If you weren't my mama or my closest friends you probably would not have known. I even tried to overlook it myself until one day about 2 weeks ago I sat down in my living room, turned on my tv and there it was staring me in my face, indisputable evidence of my depressed condition. My cable box has a power-save mode and when you turn it on, it tells you how long it's been in power-save mode. There it was on digital display, a numeric breakdown of how long I've been in this depression. 460+ hours.... That's 19 days. (full disclosure I was out of town a FEW of those days, but that was almost in the middle of those days, so it still counts... keep reading)

That's 19 days of me coming home, bypassing my living room and getting directly in the bed. That's 19 days of me laying in bed until it was time to be somewhere. That's 19 days of me not cooking dinner while watching DVR or TV or Netflix or listening to Pandora. That's 19 days of me convincing myself I was just exhausted and needed more rest. That's 19 days of a gray cloud in my home that I had convinced myself did not exist. I was still going out with friends and laughing and joking and fulfilling my duties at all of my jobs. But I was going to church on those Sundays and feeling so heavy and uncertain that people took notice. I thank God for those people who, at the time were upsetting me by constantly hugging me and asking if I was okay. Those people were a reminder that I was seen and I did not have to deal with this alone. I know that now, but then, I was annoyed!

I was also supposed to be in a new relationship (that's a story I may or may not ever tell here). But know that the way that relationship was going was a catalyst for this 19 days. Uncertainty, misunderstanding, poor communication and what boils down to emotional manipulation are not a great mix for newfound like.

So there I was on my couch a few weekends ago staring at my depression on digital display. I was thinking to myself, "Oh honey, no. This is not okay!" But it made sense. I was ignoring the signs and downplaying the symptoms and explaining away the cause. But my DVR was like, "Nah, girl, you need to see this."

Sometimes we can overlook depression because it's not manifesting physically. Because we can still wake up every morning and get dressed and put on make up and go out into the world, we think we're fine. Because we are only crying on Sunday and maybe for about 5 minutes on Thursday, we think we're fine. Because we still have an appetite and a desire to go out with our friends, we think we're fine. Because we still want to live life and be hopeful, we think we're fine. However, it's the little things that let you know you aren't as fine as you are convincing yourself you are. And you know you are convincing yourself because otherwise you wouldn't have been able to explain anything away because there would be nothing to explain.

Don't be fooled into thinking that depression (or a depressive episode) looks a certain way.

It's not always:

• laying in bed crying everyday- I only cried about 4 times over that 19 days and only twice did it occur in bed. 
• hiding from everyone and wanting to be alone- I was everywhere I was supposed to be and then some!
• leaving out of your house looking a mess- I was still out in these streets cute as ever... hair done, nails done, everything did! 

Sometimes it's:

• the constant feelings of fatigue- going from the front door to the bed everyday for 19 days. 
• persistent anxiety- I woke up almost every morning feeling nauseated, I even threw up a few times.
• being hard on yourself- I was blaming myself for any and everything that was going wrong personally and professionally.
• trouble focusing- my mind was much like my current Chrome browser, 20 tabs open at once. But my brain was clicking through them all in random order at random times!
• irritability- I was more agitated than usual, if you can believe that. I was ready to quit jobs and people. Full disclosure- I unfriended, unfollowed and muted several people during this time for various reasons.

These are just a few of the things I was experiencing and ignoring or suppressing or explaining away until my DVR called me out. I leaned on a few people to lift myself up: my mama, my God, my therapist, my girls, and my primary care physician. I'm still climbing out of the dimness that was threatening to turn into darkness. 

Pay attention to what your body is telling you. Pay attention to what the universe is telling you. Sometimes the message comes from the cable box!

I urge you to get the medication, get the therapy, get the hugs, get the sage, get the prayer, get the help! 

(side note: there was a graphic I found to go with this about Mental Health Awareness but there was a typo on it so I decided not to use it because, I don't play that! lol)

Apologizin' is Hard to Do

The great Peter Cetera and David Foster penned a song for the band Chicago called "Hard to Say I'm Sorry" in which he expresses regret and promises to love, but admits it was hard for him to say those words. He even says that he really wants to say "I'm sorry". But he doesn't ever truly apologize.

When you say, "I'm sorry" to my friend's mom, she says, "Don't be sorry, be better." It may seem cold, but it's important to understand that an apology should ALWAYS come with a change in behavior. Otherwise, you're just sorry- in a pitiful state. An apology is an expression of regret.

Choose your words carefully. Saying "I apologize if"... is dismissive and shows you have little to no concern for the person's feelings. Saying "I apologize that"... demonstrates that you are aware that your actions had a negative impact on the person. Anita models a pretty good apology in her song "I Apologize". She says she is wrong, admits to being unkind and promises to do better in the future.

It is never easy to admit your wrongdoing. But it is freeing. It frees up your spirit and allows you to let go of the guilt you feel. That guilt that has you still torturing  the person you harmed by pretending nothing ever happened or that you were not to blame.

I have talked about apologies on an occasion or two because I want to believe that people will eventually understand that that hostility you feel toward certain people dissipates once you specifically acknowledge your wrongdoing and do what is necessary to make the necessary changes in you so that it does not happen again. Allowing your guilt to fester and turn into resentment for the person you harmed is not a healthy coping mechanism. DO THE WORK!

Image from: http://archive.lyza.com/2008/11/10/letterpress-i-apologize-cards/index.html

Reclaiming Your Power

Let me start by saying, I am talking to me and  you.... Consider this a collective pep talk.

Who are you? What defines you? What do you live for and what can you do without? Think about the things to which we give power in our lives: careers, relationships (familial, platonic and intimate), hobbies, volunteer work, frats and sororities. You may even want to make a list.

The things we put our thoughts, time and energy into are the things to which we give our power. 

Now, think about how much brain and soul space those things inhabit. What's on your mind when you wake up? What do you think about in those quiet moments? 

Next, consider how you feel when you think about those things. Which things bring you joy, peace, happiness, satisfaction? Which things lead  you to feel worry, stress, depression, unfulfillment?

Finally, truly think about what is worth fixing, mending, or doing better and what is better left alone. 

Does that change how you previously defined yourself? 

We oftentimes find ourselves stressing over things we cannot control and thereby giving those uncontrollable things our power and in turn allowing those things to control us and sometimes break us all of the way down. The simple things are not always easy and the easy things are not always simple. Simply letting go of the self-definitions that are causing us internal strife is hard work! But it's work that we must do in order to relieve those things of their power. It's much easier to not do the work required, but that often ends up unnecessarily complicating our lives at some point. 

If you were honest with yourself while reading this, you've got some reframing to do. Let's mend these broken places. We are allowing things to define us that are drawing negativity and we are much too fly for that! It's going to take some time, but even a small step is progress! 2 Timothy 1:7 says: For the spirit God has given us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

SO, GO TAKE YOUR POWER BACK!

pic from: https://lisagawlas.wordpress.com/2017/02/23/the-ego-the-master-of-matter/

Little Women vs. Big Boys

Hey, look.... I enjoy a hearty debate. I enjoy tongue-in-cheek humor. But there is a line where those debates become arguments of fact vs. feelings and that humor is offensive and harmful. And I'm so over folks being obtuse about not knowing where that line is and WHY it exists.

So often we as black people have bought into this white, straight, rich male patriarchy that we forget it's: a- not FOR us and b- set up for us to fail. So when we take on certain debates or jokes from this angle it bothers me fiercely. How can their be two sides to topics like: knowingly transmitting diseases, pedophilia and toxic masculinity and what do you find so funny about them?

Arrah is Problematic
Yes , we knew R. Kelly was a pedophile but does that mean if he got away with it once he should continue to do so? At what point are we not going to have to envision OUR daughters, mothers, sisters in these predicaments to give a damn about strangers who are.

I just saw a meme that said: "B****es wasn't complaining about R. Kelly when them old ass dope boys was picking them up from school!" and men with DAUGHTERS were laughing at this. You are holding a 15-18 year old accountable for the actions of an adult man AND finding humor in the pedophilic experiences of "b****es" you know. So terrible grammar aside, you are also referring to the women standing up against this mess- WOMEN YOU KNOW- as b****es.

We gotta unlearn the foolishness
The day of the dope boy was a completely different era. However, most of us are now realizing that much of what we were taught by society then as it pertains to male-female relationships was inaccurate, inappropriate or just plain WRONG! Where is the man's responsibility in going to a SCHOOL to pick up a CHILD!? "She's fast!" because she is attracted to an older man. So what does that make an older man attracted to a CHILD!? Slow, I guess.... but y'all don't hear me.

People who don't want to address the issue usually try to deflect it, so they bring up Hugh Hefner. THIS AIN'T ABOUT HIM. Why are we comparing the two? You're saying that if we aren't "rescuing" the women at the Playboy Mansion who have not reported abuse then we shouldn't care about the Black women whom R. Kelly has manipulated and emotionally and physically abused?

When are we going to stop debating things that SHOULD be undebatable? When are we going to stop finding humor in the constant persecution of the Black GIRL!? When are we going to hold our MEN accountable for their actions? There is the myth of the blameless black man that basically believes that ANYTHING that happens negatively to a black man is a result of the system, the mama, or the chick who set him up. It does not acknowledge his part in something that is CLEARLY poor decision-making.

SN: Anyone that does not see the issue in Rick Ross' statement about not signing a woman to his label because he would need to have sex with her first....... I don't know if we can be friends. Like FAHRREAL!

Let's be good to and for each other, my people. Based on the direction of this administration... we ALL we got!

Can You Hear Me Now?

One of the main things I have discovered in my newly framed womanist adventures is that some men just do NOT listen. Some of them it is willfully ignoring a woman's perspective and others it is just a demand to have THEIR opinion heard. I have witnessed exchanges the last few days on Twitter and on podcasts that have convinced me that dudes just do not LISTEN when a woman is talking about her lived experience with men.

From: http://veryunmarried.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/black-couple-arguing1.jpg

I often have men inbox me on Tha Book and tell me my posts have given them a new perspective on some issues. And of t hat, I am proud.... of myself and them. Growth is a beautiful thing. But then thee are those that must constantly reduce anything said to an argument about women do it too thing. Not realizing this is the same thing that they hate about having a debate about race relations with a person refusing to acknowledge their white privilege.

Why do I have to flip women/men convos into black/white convos for you to realize that you are exercising your male "privilege" to derail and disregard my feelings?

HEARING someone means that you recognize that someone is talking and may have a general idea what they are saying. LISTENING is more active. It's processing what is being said and not simply waiting your turn to talk.

Not believing a woman's lived experience is equivalent to white people not believing black people have it THAT bad with the cops. Remember that...

Shout out to the men in my life who GET it... The men who hear me out... and the ones who laugh on the sidelines at those who don't get it as they are DRAGGED in the post replies by my lady friends. lol

Four Little Words

No four words can wreck a friendsjhip QUITE like "why don't you just..."

It is the gateway to judgey, unsolicited advice and the quickest way to let someone know you don't understand their situation. While you may think you are dispensing sage wisdom,  the receiver ain't  receiving. I knoww that when people start a statement like that, I instantly think: "Why don't YOU just shut your face!" Often times people just want to vent so the unsolicited advice isn't even necessary. And the term will likely do more harm than good.

If you feel there is something that just MUST be said, why don't you just rephrase it and save yourself a cold shoulder, a severe side eye in perpetuity or being sent straight to VM forever and ever AMEN.

Many  times  we fail to see that we are "at fault" not in what we say (because if we are all being honest, certain things must be said [I loves me a good paranthetical phrase, don't I?]) but in how and WHAT we say. Maintaining a healthy friendship is about finessin that thing and not coming from a place of harm.

Say WHAT!?!?!?

This blog is a BIT all over the place... but just rock with me, I promise it'll be worth it!

There are times in the process of getting to know someone where communication breaks down. Sometimes it's forgivable, overlookable. But sometimes it's a testament to how the person listens, processes and acts upon what you tell them. I have known many a man who will ask you one thing, receive the answer and then develop something in their heads that when it does not come out how they planned get upset with you. Here's my issue with that. Time and again when they asked me a question I answer THAT question without assumptions or anticipations. So when THAT question is more open-ended than it should be, please don't get upset with ME! Prime example:

Them: What are you doing later? 

Me: Nothing.

Them HOURS later: So where do you want to go for dinner?

Me: I made plans already.

When you make your intentions clear from the beginning, there is no room for misunderstanding. Even in cases where someone wanted to surprise me, there are ways to make sure I'm where you want/need me to be at the right time without saying "I have a surprise for you". It's all about how and what you communicate.

I am a woman who says what I mean and mean what I say. If you interpret it any differently than how I said it, that's totally on you. I choose my words carefully for this very reason. I was a Communications major, I have a way with words, I KNOW what I said. In order to deal with me one must understand this.

I'm not perfect, by any means. There is a song performed by Nina Simone that says:

Oh baby, I'm just human

Don't you know I have faults like anyone?

Sometimes I find myself alone regretting

Some little foolish thing, some simple thing that I've done

'Cause I'm just a soul whose intentions are good

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

I SOMETIMES make mistakes in my communication due to emotion, or sleepiness..... But, for the most part I mean every word I say and I expect you to understand that. I don't set out to make things difficult for anyone, contrary to popular belief. But I do expect someone to be able to process what I say the way I say it without inferences and interpretations. If you ask me what I like and I tell you, then you immediately decide to do the opposite, I'm not going to go along just to get along. I said what I said for a reason. I say it all the time, "I'm always right and I'm almost never wrong" so disputing me is futile. Whether that is a good stance to take or not, it simply means I stand by my words. I can give you flowery prose, or I can be so concise and blunt that you may get your feelings hurt; either way I pride myself on my ability to communicate well. If you don't respect and understand that, you don't respect or understand me.

I urge you all to take heed to this. As an adult, you know what you like, love, or are indifferent about. You know what is important to you, what you are proud of, what means the most. If someone does not appreciate it or at least respect those things, they just aren't for you. Don't be afraid to say what you mean. Too often we mince words to keep someone around, failing to realize that we are suppressing a part of ourselves to appease someone else. Many of us have done it for far too long and still come up empty. So why not speak your peace (yes PEACE, think about it!) and let things come together or fall apart based upon  your truths. You'll be happier in the end, I PROMISE!

Placeholders

Over the past few months, I've been dealing with some men ("some" meaning more than one but less than 10).  "Dealing with", not really dating... just kinda dealing... Men that I knew were too young, too immature,  too insecure, too used to drama, too busy, "not good enough" (THEIR words, not mine). After reading The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas, I know that there is not ONE person for everyone, but several if you are seeking someone to aid you in the building of God's kingdom. These men were not that. I am in the process of discovering who God would have me to be for Him to this world and these men had no clue. Not to down them, they had great hearts, and some even appeared to have a DESIRE to follow Matthew 6:33: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." which is the verse that the aforementioned book is based upon, however... they were simply PLACEHOLDERS.

placeholder

noun

1. a person authorized to act for another

In my mind, and at least once in my heart, I was giving these men authorization to act on behalf of  a man that better fit into my future. But in doing so, where was this man to go if someone was holding his place? This man may be ANY of the things that I mentioned above but if he is seeking the kingdom, it would look and feel differently to me. He may be younger but have an old soul... I have NO desire to have an argument about whether the original WILLY WONKA and the Chocolate Factory was better than Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with a man in his 20s who has only seen the latter! He may be insecure but  in seeking the kingdom he allows himself to love me and me to love him and his insecurities fade... I have NO desire to deal with someone teetering back and forth between no drama with me and known chaos with someone else. He may be busy, but in seeking the kingdom, he realizes that he can and will make time for a woman who is also seeking the kingdom with whom he can build. He may not be good enough, but in seeking the kingdom his actions (not plans, but deeds) have him on a path to becoming a better person, not for me, but for God. But if these other men are holding his place, how and where will he fit?

These placeholders were granted authority out of loneliness, from a place of almost giving up, with the thought that SOMETHING was better than NOTHING. Because I "was not ready for a real relationship" it was ok to have hemidemisemiquavers taking the place of a whole note... for those that don't know music, that's 1/64th of a whole... that's several notes that you have to use to equal a whole (iowno math)

From: http://www.learnclassicalguitar.com/

In some cases, I was the placeholder for them. I am a lot of things (some awesome, some good, some not so great), but I am NOT a placeholder. God knows I'm not perfect, but I am a woman that is seeking the kingdom. This morning on FB, my update from "God Wants You to Know" stated that "well done is always better than well-said". I talk a LOT but I try my best to make my words match up with my deeds and I am trying to make sure my deeds match my intentions in a way that impacts the kingdom positively. And for that reason, I know that I am not a placeholder. I am not a proxy, a  surrogate, a backup, a fill-in or a substitute. I am the original, the archetype, the model, the pattern, the paradigm. I must continue to see myself as such and act as such. 

Sure, I'm loud, a little raunchy, I have a sophomoric sense of humor, I still curse a little (ok sometimes a lot but not in front of children, pastors & old people anymore), I drink, I like a little ratchet music every now and then. But I am leaps and bounds away from where I used to be, how I used to be, what I used to be and WHY I used to be. I work regularly to do and be better and I cannot stand in place. I am not a placeholder for any man on this earth, God has given me the authority to overcome all the enemy's power and nothing will harm me (Luke 10:19). It may hurt for a moment but it will not harm me there is a huge difference.

I challenge you all to identify the placeholders in your life. Not just people but the things you have given the authority to act on behalf of something or someone else. I also challenge you to trust the process and step out of your placeholder position and take the authority to act on your OWN behalf. I pray that God allows us all to let go of placeholders and placeholdings so that we are free in his authority to seek him, trample the snakes and scorpions, and match our words to our deeds to our intentions to build His Kingdom. 

Now Usually I Don't DO This... Think Like A Man

I didn't read the book. I don't watch Oprah. I don't listen to the Steve Harvey Morning Show. I find Terrence J BEYOND corny. And I have NEVER rooted for Gabrielle Union. Get allllllll that in ya spirit.... I'll give you a few seconds....

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NOW, with all that said. I liked Think Like a Man! Pick ya jaws up! I was pretty sure that all the punchlines had been ruined by the commercials, but it hadn't. I was afraid that the characters in the movie were going to be stereotypical like Pyler Terry, but they weren't. I was fairly certain I was going to roll my eyes & suck my teeth & sigh loudly, and I DID, but it wasn't for very long. It kept my attention, it got me a lil emotionally invested & MOST of it was familiar (not the same as predictable).

I don't want to go into detail or spoil anything, but let me make some points.

Who's Zoomin' Who?

Have I already used this title before? If so, oh well...Here we go again...

Look folks, please stop letting your memory fool you & make a fool out of you. If everything you remember has you as the victim & everyone else as the antagonist. 9 times out of  7, you're lying to yourself. And everyone knows it but you. Just like you don't pull every door you come in contact with, sometimes you gotta push. Sometimes, in life you do the pushing and if you're a little more honest with yourself, you know when that is.

Long story short, there is someone that is mad at me for something that if they are honest with themselves they can't even pinpoint. As a matter of fact, there are a few people that "don't like me" but can't tell you one VALID thing I supposedly did to them. It's not that I am perfect but it's definitely that they are off-base and out of touch with reality.

One important thing my mama taught me was whenever something goes wrong, look at YOURSELF first. Unless there is clear & present evidence that someone did something to me, I try not to go around accusing anyone of purposely doing anything to me. How conceited can you be to think that people are constantly and unsolicitedly "doing something" to you? You ain't all that. So quit holding grudges over things that really don't matter & retelling tales where you're the SUPERhero. Why does any of that matter NOW? (present company included lol)

SO to answer the aforementioned title. You are zooming yourself.

What LIES Beneath

From: http://freelancefolder.com

If you know nothing else about me, you know I am a strong proponent of the truth. When all else fails, it's all you have.

A male friend told me recently that he lied to his female friend to "protect her feelings". *record scratch* Don't we already know that this is a HUGE no-no? *wags finger*

Once he told me the story that involved 2 glasses of wine and a denial of responsibility or rememberance thereafter, I called BS on the girl! I said  & I quote:
She's lying
Congrats
Yer even
*bangs gavel*

She disavows any knowledge of her actions after 2 glasses of wine.

from: http://queenofsports.com/

Seriously, 2 glasses of wine couldn't get a 4 year old drunk enough to forget anything! So it seems, my dear friend, was suckered into a lie with a lie. It seems that the girl must have been testing him, why? I don't have ALL the answers, people. But I DO know why she lied....

Who hasn't gotten some liquid courage in them & said or done something they always wanted to or that seemed like a good idea at the time. Only to realize, the idea WASN'T that good afterall or the repercussions could be MUCH more than they thought initially. If they even thought about it beforehand. You rationalize it with a lil: "Eff it, I'm 'drunk'!" Even though, if you were truly drunk, you wouldn't relaly be able to think, right?

Poor thing woke up the next morning, in search of her panties & her whole make him wait 6 months plan was out the window! QUICK- what do I do? How do I fix this? THINK, girl, THINK! YES... it was the wine!

This lie led to HIS lie which led to them both lying under a pile of  lies. Now she's nto talking to him & he's not feeling great about that. But clearly she needs to be mad at herself, because she started the lie ball rolling. Now it's barrelling downhill and picking up anger and frustration & speed.

Had she followed my cardinal rule of being honest with YOURSELF first, she could've just said: You know what? I was NOT intending to do that & while I don't regret it, it probably shouldn't happen again for a while.

Done & done.

One Man's Treasure...

is another man's option...

I've recently had to go about the task of informing various males that I am indeed no longer mingling. As J would say, I'm going steady. And this information, to some has been a bit of a blow, perhaps JUST to their ego. But it has led me to see that some guys don't want you, but they don't NOT want you. Dumb, right? There have been guys that I was dealing with, talking to, etc. for a year or more that have never mentioned anything remotely serious with me. So how then can they be upset that I have moved on? Oddly enough this blog may be the way that some of them find out. But I didn't feel compelled to call them all up and have "the talk". There is really no talk to have, honestly.

If I talk to you once in a blue moon about nothing serious or in particular, should I call you up out of the blue and say: "Hey, I know you don't care enough about me to be with me, but someone does and has decided to and I have taken him up on that. I hope there are no hard feelings as you will no longer be able to call me randomly and try to flirt with me, make me feel special and keep your options open. ok?" *end call*

For some it's about having options, but never having to choose. I never pressed any of them out for status because ultimately I knew, even if I was #1, there were other numbers. So now that there are no other numbers for me, can they really try to pull rank?  Am I using too many metaphors & idioms & analogies & such? have I even used ANY?

Anyway... options aren't open-ended, eventually you will have to choose. Sometimes the choice is made for you.

Pleasant Surprises

I have had a bit of a hectic week. So excuse the LATENESS of this post.
I've never been big on surprises. All too often, surprises consist of being embarassed, or your mettle being tested. Some definitions of surprise include:

• a : an attack made without warning
• b : a taking unawares

There's NOTHING pleasant about ANY of that! When I think of surprises, I think of that JERK Jokey Smurf offering you an exploding present. 

This past weekend, however, was filled with PLEASANT surprises.

Friday, I hung out with 2 of my girls M & J. We haven't been out together, just the three of us in a while. We went from spot to spot and had a jolly good time! M has been booed-up for a while, so we don't really hang out with her anymore, and it's not even a catty "girl" thing. It's a respect for her relationship. We're so mature lol. We went out to 3 lounges & suddenly decided to go to an actual club to hangout with one of our boys that was working there that night. When we got to the area where the club was, we saw two more of our boys working at a party nearby. They were surprised to see all three of us together AND out so late (it was around midnight). They got excited because they thought we were going to their spot, but we told them we were meeting someone elsewhere. when we got to our destination our boy walked us in the door, right by the lady at the door that was looking at us like we were crazy for coming to the club in chillwear... HA! We went in & spoke to more of our boys on duty that night. we 2-stepped a little, but mostly LAUGHED, as always. M started getting sleepy so we had to take her old behind back to her car! As we were walking back to the car, we passed by the other spot where more of our boys were working. The DJ (who we didn't know) saw us walking down the street & told us to come in. We walked up to the front of the spot & saw some of our people working the door. so we walked right in. we walked around and spoke to everyone we knew and made sure we greeted the dj. Then we left. We were told, by the guy on the mic that we need to stop doing cameos. WE found it hilarious, YOU may not. It was a GREAT night to be, what we call, established. Through our journeys in life in the Metro area, we have met some great people in high school, college and after that we have remained good friends with. It just so happens that many of them have made their way into the club/lounge scene and even though we don't party 4 days a week like we used to, we can still walk up in a spot and be greeted with a smile, a hug, a joke, and a drink!

Earlier that Friday, some guys that I met in Jamaica were supposed to be coming to town. I asked my homeboy who was coming and he named 3 guys from Jamaica and, I quote, "This other dude you don't know". I was thinking wow how many of these dudes ARE there? Earlier in the week, one of the guys that I had become really cool with informed me he wasn't coming with them because he had to work. but much to my surprise, the other dude I didn't know, was him! He surprised me! We had a good time Saturday... and I appreciate his friend being in on the ruse. Nice touch...

Sunday, I had made plans to go to the drive in with one of my boys from B'more. I asked him on a whim earlier in the week and really didn't expect him to WANT to go, let alone follow through. I was snoozing in my recliner after church on Sunday, and my text messgae alert went off. It was him asking me what time we were meeting. I drove up north to pick him up and we headed to the good old-fashioned drive in. I LOVED Inception, but I was surprised that Grown-Ups just was NOT funny to me!

Overall, once again, my weekend was made of AWESOME! I was pleasantly surprised by how much fun I had and with who. It's not often that people can surprise me with their actions. I often try NOT to have any expectations at all,(or, despite my new more positive attitude, LOW expectatoins),  in an effort to avoid the disappointment I was experiencing in too many people. But this weekend, I was pleasantly surprised everyday by how good people made good days AWESOME!

For What It's Worth

Last night, I found out that someone I was possibly interested in was still married, but had been separated for a few years. Never before had the subject come up and I feel like had I not brought it up, he may have remained close, but distant and chosen "some other time" to tell me.

This isn't the first time, this has happened to me. Everyone has been lied to by omission. But wrong is wrong and I'm worth much more than that. It seems as though I have gone from one extreme to the other in my dating life and now, it's time to find a HAPPY medium. The key word here is not HAPPY, but medium. Defined as: Something, such as an intermediate course of action, that occupies a position or represents a condition midway between extremes.

This goes for friends & potential lovers. I have been stabbed in the back, lied to the face, and generally mistreated by people because I am so understanding. As a Christian, it is my duty to be this way; but as a human being, I can only take so much. So, I must balance my soul's destination, with my self-preservation. So simple, but not easy... nothing simple ever is, though, right?

I'm trying to find the balance between self-worth that's so high I am all uppity & snooty (like I used to be).... or lower than it should be that I continue to make excuses for people that really have NO excuse.

I'm seeking balance and clarity. I have been blessed with so much, too much to allow some people to continue to NOT appreciate my worth. *bangs gavel* Court is dismissed!

I Call SHENANIGANS!

The other day a friend of mine made a comment about his great night out! Knowing him, foolishness abounded. His brand of foolishness usually involves chicks fighting for his time, tussling for for his attention, and so on and so forth. It also usually involves him encouraging such insidious behavior. With that said, he also used to complain about such behavior from women in whom he was interested.

Does he have the right?



Can a guy encourage women to sip champagne from each others cleavage AND be upset that a girl that is interested in him was the champagne sipper? Can a guy sweet talk the drawz off a chick in the club (LITERALLY) and then get upset when the girl you are interested in decides to forgo panties in the club altogether?

Is this the equivalent to a drug dealer being upset because crack is ruining the community? Can you expect a lady to act like a lady when you treat that lady like a whore?

Now I am sure that some will say well, if she acts like that then that's on her. But let's slip that shoe on the other foot. Would she act like that if the man to whom she was attracted didn't appear to like it? Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

What if you drove a big bodied Benz but treated it like it was a hooptie? No oil changes, no windshield wiper fluid, cigarette holes in the seats. One day you decided you wanted to upgrade for a Benz with all the bells & whistles but when you get to dealership all the used cars have just as much noticeable wear and tear and the newer ones aren't made very well because the manufacturer knows you only drive the car for show and you are going to tear it up anyway? Do you vow to treat your old car better? Do you demand that the manufacturer use better materials for their cars?

Let's say you had an architecturally amazing, multi-million dollar home for sale. In order to get top dollar you had to give the potential buyer what they wanted: leopard print wall paper, pepto pink brick with fire engine red shutters, green shag carpet and a toilet in every room (no walls around it, JUST a toilet). Do you risk losing the buyer to keep the architectural integrity of the home? or do you give the buyer what they want, take the money and run!? Who cares, right? it's just a house. But what if you were only renting it out for a short time? Would you be willing to jeopardize a long-term investment for short term gain? As the potential buyer/renter, are you willing to devalue someone's home for your own comfort and enjoyment or "just cuz you can"? Is  What if it became a rent to own situation and there was a possibility by the time you owned the home the carpet & wall paper & toilets everywhere weren't a good look anymore? Just throw a little money at it and the problem is solved, huh? Is today's whim more important than the big picture?

So which comes first?


I'm still not sure but either way you can't publicly encourage and promote shenanigans and turn around and just as publicly denounce  those very same shenanigans in which you regularly participate. QUITITOUT!

You Hear Me, But Are You LISTENING?

I was going to do a blog yesterday about picking your battles in relationships. But, I just didn't feel inspired after a while to even address it. Most times I have to write in the moment, or it just doesn't flow the way I want or need it to flow.

Last night my girl J & I went to a discussion about Black men & women. And at this point, I wish I had stayed home. We jokingly said we were going to go there just so we could repeat over and over GUYS... DON'T... LISTEN!  But as it turns out, guys don't listen. And they proved it last night over and over again. They also proved that guys are very sensitive. The main issue I had with the guys in the room is that most of them were married or taken. Why are you here? It certainly wasn't to give sage advice... It seems their primary purpose was to say I am going to do what I want and you should accept that and look where it could get you... married to me after 5 years of dealing with my "I should have my picture in the dictionary under the word 'player'" self... That's an actual quote from a married man!

The night started out okay, but it turned into an emotional cauldron when I said I'm not in the habit of talking to guys that get on at Judiciary Square wearing a white tee and jeans because most of the ones I have encountered there have been "on papers" or coming from court. Apparently that statement (well, that is a paraphrase) was the heartbreak heard round the room because all the tee shirt and jeans wearers got up in arms.

Q: Why?
A: Because they HEARD I don't talk to guys in tee shirts and jeans.

Q: Is that what I SAID?
A: NO! But because they weren't LISTENING, they got upset & suddenly every man in the room had a comment for ME!

Q: Was I the only woman talking?
A: NO! Nor was I the only woman SAYING what I was saying. But for some reason, it was all about ME & J last night. *waves to my fans in the stands*

The overriding theme last night was the women's perceptions were based on self-preservation. The guys' perceptions were based on "give a brother a chance"... Am I the only one that sees the problem here?

Most of the voice raising and attitude came OVERWHELMINGLY from the guys. Including one guy who got SO mad at my Judiciary Square comment he went outside to take a breather. Then when he came back, he had SO much to say about what J & I said from the beginning up until I finally just walked out.

Q: Why was he so mad?
A: Because he was just at Judiciary Square in a tee shirt and jeans.

Q: Why was he there?
A: To get points off his license...

Q: How is that different from being on papers, or going to court?
A: I'm not really sure, but he felt that made him better than the defendANTS I see down there on the regular.

Then he tried to say that he has been down there in a suit and tie because he was going to court. And people would assume he was a lawyer. He could not have been more wrong. Lawyers at Judiciary Square have rolling briefcases full of files, etc. If I saw you down here with a suit on and a folder, I'd know. But I never mentioned guys in suits, NOR my preference of men, NOR the guys/men that I have dated, talked to, befriended, etc. in the very recent past. Guess what? They're tee shirt and jeans wearers. But guess where I did NOT meet them? That's RIGHT! Judiciary Square! I even felt kinda bad for the tee shirt and jeans wearers in the room and said I pay attention to the style and brand. But of course that just meant I was a Label Whore. and it certainly could not have meant that I use context clues to weed out the defendants from the hard-working tee shirt and jeans wearers.

The truth is I have dated guys without cars, guys that lived with their parents, guys that had more tennis shoes then dress shoes, guys that only graduated high school, guys that are artists and musicians, guys that were manual laborers. The TRUTH is I give a brother a chance, but the TRUTH is also, I have to be careful when and where. Because as a single woman in a Metro area, I'm all I got. But instead of empathizing with that, the guys that were there last night were waiting for a chance to defend or in some cases offend. People came to my defense last night because they said that I was being attacked. I didn't feel attacked, I found it funny because all attention was on me in a room full of women with similar opinions and I just couldn't figure out why. I can't explain to you HOW in their feelings some of those guys were... It got to the point where I would just laugh when they started talking. Because they were THAT emotional about tee shirts and jeans. But had they bothered to ask me if I dated men in tee shirts and jeans the answer would be an OVERWHELMING yes! One of the men I see most often is older than most of the guys in the room and is an AVID tee shirt and jeans wearer. I have seen him dressed up MAYBE twice.

But once the guy that had been in my and J's face all night suddenly got STANK! I knew it was time to excuse myself before I really got into it with him. He said he wasn't going to say everything he wanted to say because it would make too much sense. My response: "Yeah why would you want to make sense in a DISCUSSION!" and laughed. Apparently that was what turned him into a crazy-eyed HULK and he began spewing madness. Then it carried over into his business-sense and I heard him say probably the rudest thing you would want to hear from a business-owner. and THAT was when I had to leave. He had gotten so emotional about tee shirts and jeans, he let it cloud his business mind. EMOTIONAL!

"Look at me, I can't stop CRYING

Inside my heart is slowly DYING!"

The guys assumed that I was mad at one point, I told them that I was really disappointed because they weren't listening. And they proved it time and again.

And we're not even going to GET on the topic of the blatant lies that were being told and the inconsistencies in stories. For instance, TWO guys said they were players, those TWO guys were tee shirt and jeans guys, those TWO guys got mad at me for not wanting to talk to tee shirt and jeans guys at Judiciary Square, YET those TWO guys just said they were players... But maybe it's just me...

Shout out to alll my tee shirt and jeans wearing men that work hard and do what a man is supposed to do!!! *muah*

WHEW, I feel better now... can you say CATHARTIC!


p.s. I purposely didn't mention the name of the establishment or event because I'm going to "give the brothers a chance" again in the near future...

What You Won't Do For Love...

Listen to this AS you read... there's no video, so your aren't missing anything... lol

Everyone has their pet peeves and their lists and rules, written and unwritten, of things that they will not put up with in a relationship. The number one thing I find intolerable in any relationship (friends, lovers, family, etc.) is being dismissed or disregarded. Now, normally, that would set me off. But I'm trying to be & do better about letting people know how I feel and why one good time before blessing them out! But it truly makes me feel as if you think I am lesser-than and if I care about or for you, that bothers me tremendously. Now, once I have told you this, I expect to only have to remind you once at the MOST! After that? No holds barred. I'm GOING to go deaf with rage (my ears literally start ringing and I can't hear what I am saying) and let the Hulk out on you, verbally. I had an ex-boyfriend that couldn't quite grasp the concept of listening and it drove me BANANAS! But now, I think I try to be just a smidge more patient with people.

This has led me to the question: What do or can I be more tolerable of in the name of "love", "like", "canoodlery"? Well amongst my more minor pet peeves are:

• pretending to know what I'm talking about- I don't need you to humor me... if you don't get it, then you just don't & that's cool.
• stereotyping my girls and me- I can guarantee that neither I nor my group of female friends are like any other females you have ever encountered. So when you think you know how we roll, how we treat one another, what we discuss... you don't! Promise you that!
• mispronouncing things- I am a stickler for grammar, syntax, and pronunciation, for the most part. So saying things like skrimp, or putting the word "The" in front of store names and an "s" at the end... AGGRAVATING!
• not being diverse or branching out- If you only eat fried rice at any asian-esque restaurant or don't trust nothing but the burgers at any restaurant with a burger on the menu or ball your face up when I mention hummus, gyros, or feta cheese or think sushi is SIMPLY raw fish... we might don't make it!
• being an overall bamma- Those shoes with that those jeans? Those jeans with that shirt? That shirt with ANYTHING? *smh* I don't know how I feel about dating a guy that wears stuff that my girls and I would frown on... or do I?

The fact is, ALL of this can be overlookable and even seem a little shallow if you truly like the PERSON and they treat you well. If your friends are really your friends, they should applaud you for overlooking minutae when what you have at the core is a good person. If that person is also compromising in the aforementioned areas, then you may be on to something. But if that person isn't giving way at all and expects you to do all the bending, you may have a problem.

ANY relationship requires some compromise. If someone tells you otherwise they are selfish and not worth your time! Now I have to sit back and ponder what is worth compromising and what is not. I already know being disregarded or dismissed is a "NO GO" in the Book of Bri!!!

Everything else on the short list (very short for me) miiiiight be negotiable. Hmmmmm... We'll see...

A Failure to Communicate

So it would seem, the less interested you act... the more interested a guy becomes. I have two problems with this:

1. I don't like playing games.
2. What if I'm really NOT interested?

It appears that I have no choice in the latter. I just got off the phone with a guy I met in Glen Burnie back in February after he gave me his parking space in a crowded parking lot and subsequently pulled up behind me to "holla". I was in a hurry, so I cut the small talk, took his number & ran inside the building. After leaving, I decided to go ahead and get it out of the way, so I called him. He seemed cool. Older, divorced, one child that is about 10, business owner... several businesses. Then, his inconsistencies began to show.

He'd ask what I was doing on a certain day because he wanted to see me go to dinner, etc. Then I wouldn't hear from him for a week. This happened more than once. But I guess since we never set a time, it's not really considered being stood up, right? So after the first time, I just didn't take him as a man of his word... and he didn't make any effort to be one. I stopped calling. He did not. He would call late. He would call early. He would call 2 times within a few hours. (But not in a stalkerish calling everyday kind of way... just once a week or so) I would look at the phone with the "Mm." face. Now some guys may be saying that ain't right, blah blah blah. And really that is true.

The last time he called, I answered. It was late and I was in Miami so I picked up the phone without looking thinking it was one of my friends that was down there at the time. It was not. I was short with him, told him I was in Miami and he asked me to bring him a real estate paper back. WHAT??? He said it would be a good reason for us to link up. After the various previous missed links, I knew there was a very slim chance I would see him or talk to him anytime after that. I was correct.

It has been almost exactly one month since I went to Miami. about an hour ago my phone rings & I recognize the number as his. I took a deep breath and answered the phone. I was determined to make it plain today. I was dry, short & less than chatty. He noticed, but apparently that wasn't enough for him. He continued to talk as if we had just spoken last week. He asked what area I worked in & said he wanted to do lunch. Then he started telling me where he was and asking if that was close to where I worked. I told him no. He kept talking about going to lunch and I point out to him that I never agreed to go to lunch with him. He asks if I have time for lunch today, I say yes. He asks if I can go to lunch today, I say I COULD. I think he may finally be starting to get it.

Finally after a few more minutes of pained conversation I said: "The last few times you said you wanted to see me, you didn't even bother to call back."

His response: "I've been busy, I've got businesses to run. I'm hiring people and firing people. I get sidetracked." (I know someone in a similar situation who has made time to text, or call, or send a FB message... SOMETHING.)

I say, dryly, "For weeks at a time?"

He laughs a little and says. "Well, over that time, as strange as it seems I WAS thinking about you, if you can believe that. I just really been busy."

"Well, you can make time for anything if you wanted to."

"This is true."

"You didn't leave me with a great impression."

Here he goes into a spiel about even if we're just friends he thinks I'm a good person. And good people need good people and this and that and the other. Insert mixed metaphors and misinterpreted cliches here. BLAH! He apologized several times. Then, after allll that he says: "So when can we try again this week?" Is he serious? I said what happened to going to lunch this afternoon. He said he wouldn't be done until 9 PM. Ummmm huh? I reminded him that he JUST said something about going to lunch today. He says he is free until 12. It was 10:50. He says the ball is in my court, yadda yadda. I say I am free Wednesday. He says ok how about an early dinner. I ask what is early. He says 8. I'm thinking 8 isn't early, that's dinnerTIME. He says ok then 6 on Wednesday. I say, sure. And he tells me to call him later. I say goodbye and hang up. I talk to my girl via IM... and then, I share it with you.

So, here is my rationale. I had never informed him that I found his previous actions to be egregious. So I cannot, in all fairness, fault him for them. Upon informing him of such, it is only fair to give him the opportunity to redeem himself. His age and assumed level of experience with women, notwithstanding, I cannot assume that he knew better though I am fairly certain he did. I have made it plain for him and will no longer bite my tongue. We'll see how THIS turns out... *eyeroll*

I'd Rather be Alone

Than be here unhappy...

Much against my better judgement I was listening to Michael Baisden and he was discussing being alone for the holidays. He made it seem like SUCH a bad thing or even a BIG DEAL. I was with someone last Christmas and it wasn't all'at. Despite the Christmas cheer & all that. It just wasn't what I needed it to be. I mean bless his heart, I am sure he tried... ok, maybe not. But, the point is, I wasn't diggin it. and if I had to choose between a replay of last holiday season & THIS holiday season, unattached... I'd prefer this holiday.

What I am not going to do is bash him but, all I'm saying is why is there SUCH a big deal made about being alone on the holidays? Sure I only have that ONE recent holiday relationship upon which I am basing my opinion, but the fact remains I am happy with the way things are. I'm not gonna cry under the mistltoe, or sob deeply while decorating my Christmas tree. It's not that serious to me.

For those that it IS that serious for, think about this: your last relationship, how did it end? Don't just think about the good times, think about the WHOLE thing; how things really were. Really focus on the entire time around the holidays, not just Christmas Eve, by the fire, playin Boyz II Men. And ask yourself do I miss EVERYTHING? or just that? If you have never been in a relationship around the holidays, then you aren't even missing anything but what you never had.

One holiday doesn't make me the Subject Matter Expert, but it's common sense to see that what you have before you is possibility and opportunity. Not loneliness & tears. Ther eis a reason things didn't work out with you and whomever and the sooner you are okay with that; the sooner you can begin to ENJOY your holidays!