This Ain't The Walking Dead, Sir

Hey, listen. First, let's agree The Walking Dead has been trash for several years. The plot is a mess & the zombies' actions are inexplicable and inconsistent. (remember that, it's important!)

Now, let's talk about zombies. Relationship zombies. These are the people who come back from the dead after relationship ghosting (never calling or texting again after being serious for an extended period of time) or blowing up the relationship and themselves along with it and acting as if nothing happened.

Over the past 3 weeks or so, this has happened to me and my ladies SEVERAL times. All these planets in retrograde have y'all out here cutting up! And I will not abide it! Stop doing this. I implore you. In each instance, the woman involved expressed her feelings about the relationship in a way that was calm and direct and in each instance, the dude had in some way faded away without acknowledging the feelings, thrown a tantrum (yes, y'all a tantrum complete with a "you're not my friend anymore"-adjacent response), or acted out so badly there was no sense in trying to set things right.

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Sirs, if this is you, I urge you to seek therapy. As I stated in my tweet last week: You cannot keep throwing tantrums or ghosting or acting out and then coming back days, weeks or months later to "check on" her as if you've done no harm. This is not okay. This is not an apology. This is not an acknowledgment of your poor behavior. This is not a kind gesture. This is toxic behavior that only seeks to ease your own mind at someone else's expense.

We cannot continue treating people who mean us no harm poorly and excuse it away because "that's just how I am". A refusal to do the emotional work is a refusal to mature into a healthy, introspective person. An unwillingness to address, apologize for and ameliorate your wrongdoing is an unwillingness to acknowledge that you view the individual as a human being with feelings. This doesn't mean, blow things up now and apologize later. This means admit you have blown things up in the past and you are going to seek therapy to prevent the situation from happening again.

So to the relationship zombies that refuse to stay dead, if you must reach out to someone let that someone be a therapist. Otherwise, please cease & desist.

Don't Do This- Detrimental Dating Decorum

Y'all! I went on a date Sunday with a dude that flew in from the midwest. When he first reached out to me online it said he was in Baltimore which was already a "maybe" for me because me & men from Baltimore just shouldn't, EVER!

I show his pic to a friend and she says she knows of him. She gives me his full name and I look him up on the 'Book and see that he is not in Baltimore at all. I ask my friend about it and she confirms he is not from Baltimore and even checks his page for me to see if he maybe moved or something. She tells me he seems cool, but that he has said things that may raise a yellow flag. I ask him about where he lives and he tells me he is actually in the midwest and I'm all, no thanks I don't do long distance. And he's all not respecting my wishes like: "I can fly to you!" (remember that, it's important). So, I give him my burner number, because safety. He texts and calls and I'm not really feeling any kind of way about him. He mentions coming to the area and I told him that I was leaving town for nearly a week that week. He says we can do dinner on that Sunday. I say okay and then totally forget until he tells me he landed. OOPSIE!

He asks me where I want to meet. I tell him and I guess he looked up the address and said that would work. He calls me just before we are supposed to meet and asks to push the time back an hour. The spot is right near me so I am fine with it and laze about in the bed for another 30 minutes. I get to the spot and I am seated already when he walks in. I knew he was a big guy, but his pics underrepresented his size. I'm not trying to fat shame so I'm going to leave it at that. The important thing is that his shirt was terribly wrinkled. He sits down and we start chatting and looking over the menu. This spot has typical restaurant fare as well as vegan and vegetarian options. He looks over the menu and asks: "What kind of place did you bring me to?" I looked at him with the WTH? face.

He is asking me if I'd been on any good dates. I tell him no and tell him about the dude that didn't order anything and laughed when the bill came and I asked if I was supposed to pay. But in the middle of the story, the waitress comes by and he interrupts me to flag her down. He asks her for cheese fries, y'all! This isn't TGI Friday or Chili's! There aren't any cheese fries on the menu. But he makes her bring him fries and cheese sauce without asking me if I wanted an appetizer. The waitress (who had the same name as me) looked at me and gave me the quick eyes wide look. I shot her a IDK face and she walked away to put in his order. He then turns to me and says "Sorry, go ahead. I just needed to order something to take the edge off." Y'all. Y'all!

During this time, I apologize profusely about using my phone and explain to him that I am the point of contact for the trip the next day and people are messaging me and texting me about it. That was false! I was giving my aforementioned friend a blow by blow because I was truly disturbed. So we continue talking and I ask him what brings him to the area. Mind you we had this discussion that I was not going to be in town that week. And he also said he had a cousin here or something. His reply this time was: "I came to see you." But I definitely asked him before he arrived why he was coming and that was not what he said the first time.  He followed up with: "Because I knew you weren't going to come see me." The snark in his voice almost flipped my bitch-switch. Remember when I told you that I already told him that I don't do long distance relationships and he walked right on around that? Yeah, so this hint of sarcasm in his reply was frustrating to say the least.

The waitress comes to take our order and I get the catfish. (See what I did there?) He says he'll have the same. The waitress then informs him that the catfish is not deep fried. She glances at me, I say I know. He is not pleased with that. He's all oh no no no, let me get a burger then. As he's looking at the burgers, the waitress describes the lamb burger to him as an option. He looks disgusted and says: "That must be some east coast stuff." I say: "Actually it's Mediterranean." He says: "That's even farther east!" The waitress gives me the "Oh, girl!" look. I look down at my phone. He orders a burger with pickles only and a side of mayo. Then he asks the waitress what sides they had. She runs through them and he asks about mashed potatoes and gravy. She tells him TWICE they don't have gravy. He then resigns himself to the idea of ordering more fries. At this point, he tells me about his adoration for potatoes and runs through a list of his faves like Bubba in Forrest Gump. (That part may not have actually happened like that, but by this time I felt like I was in a movie or on Punk'd or something, so my mind may have added that particular part to the story.) The food comes and his table manners are atrocious. I'm ready to go home, but that catfish was some kinda good.

The bill comes and I'm sitting there with my arms folded. He reads this as me hoping he pays the bill and jokes about it. In my head I'm like I spent 3 digits in a steakhouse on Friday just because, aint nobody worried about who finna pay for your cheese fries! He says something about me sending him an evaluation of the date because dating is his craft. SIR? SIR! Sir...... I groan out an "Oh, really?" That's when it happened.... He starts talking about women going into hiding and coming out around 40 trying to get married. I tell him that I was not hiding. He says you're not 40. I say I will be next year. He's confused because he thought I was younger. He says oh well, I know you are trying to have a baby REAL soon. Me: No, I'm not. I can't have children. *death stare* Him: what about adoption or in vitro? Y'all! I tell him I am not going to talk about this with you and tell him I am ready to leave. He offers to walk me to my car. As we are walking to my car he asks why I parked so far. Y'all, it was the actual parking lot for the restaurant. I chose to park there instead of on the street. As I am walking to the car, he cuts across the street instead of walking to the corner without telling me. I am standing at my car with my hand on the handle and he reaches in to awkwardly give me a hug. I get in the car and he walks off. I never bothered to correct him on his behavior because I could tell he was not the type to comprehend his shortcomings. (remember that, it's important)

I call my friend immediately and recount the date. She is horrified and apologetic because she thought his yellow flag posts were just to get people talking. But apparently he believes his own bull. As I am heading into the house my friend says: "Girl, he just posted about you!" and sends me this screenshot:

Y'ALL!
1- what "rule" is this???
B- How oblivious do you have to be to not think that your personality and decorum on the date was the catalyst and not some imaginary lack of manners?

She watched the post and sent me some replies for entertainment purposes. I really started to send the screenshot to him, but realized he was not worth it. She and another mutual friend tried to get him to self-reflect but he was not having it!

Then the next day he posts that he will soon be crowning the last woman standing. Whomever she is, God bless her because he is a PHILISTINE!

Black Woman Burn Out

I'm tired, y'all... I need a vacation.

from: http://clutchmagonline.com/2016/01/open-thread-do-you-ever-feel-tired-of-being-black/

I've been so busy doing so much for so long... I haven't even posted a new blog.

But I have got to get back to it. So here's my beef today. I am tired of feeling like I have to defend everything anti-Black & everything misogynistic & everything dumb, stupid, ignorant and majorly ridiculous. I am unable to sit idly by and watch foolishness occur aorund me, but then I run the risk of being the angry black woman.

It's exhausting and I'm frankly tired & getting burnt out! BURNT, you hear me?

With that being said, I am keeping my commitment to ME to keep blogging. But also I need a vacation, so that needs to happen sooner rather than later. With every news story about y'all president and every FB post referring to Black women as "females" (when based on context clues you KNOW they meant bitches), I grow more and more weary. But I cannot give up on helping the world be better one response, conversation, blog post at a time. I was told that some of my blog posts are out there but I'll be that because this is the world as I experience it.

Just know that for now, I will be taking it a lil bit easier because I'm tired.

In the meantime, check out my friend Cheryl Giscombe's work on this subject:

Don't Do This: Pro-Black Insomnia (or Too Woke)

Hey, y'all! Let me start this off by saying I don't cuss people out no more. (Thank God for Jesus!) These days I just hold up a mirror until they get mad at their own reflection. Therefore, if you feel called out by this post... *hands you a mirror*

Now, with that being said let me say this: Some of y'all are too woke! You are so woke and pro-black that you're anti-black. You want everything black to be perfect and blackity-black through and through. You were mad about Black Panther because a white man made money off of it despite much of it being filmed at Tyler Perry Studios. Why? When do you sleep? When do you take the time to enjoy things? I know some folks don't believe in the white man's Jesus. But whoever you believe in: Buddah, Allah, Horus, Confucius, Jah, the Flying Spaghetti Monster... I am sure that entity wants you to enjoy things, right? I am sure the creator wants you to actually enjoy creation sometimes, right? And not spend all day on the white man's social media platform barking at your own people and being a career-contrarian.

You have all these problems with all things black, but never any solutions other than support black business and uplift the black man. Nobody wants to buy your terrible mixtape, Lil Alleycat! Nobody wants to read your "urban lit" book with the errant apostrophe in the title, Dark Diva! And nobody wants to buy hotep wear from a man that constantly refers to women as females, Ronshonkalon the Gawd (we all know it's just a replacement for the b-word anyway, sir). What else you got? What else are you doing out in these pro-black streets to promote positivity? Between the time you get off work in the white man's office to go home to your apartment owned by a white property management company that you pay from a white-owned bank and lay down on your Ikea bed to watch the Jewish man's network tv (because you are too woke to ever sleep), what are you doing to really help uplift the community?

Folks swear they are oh so very woke. Their pro-black insomnia has them on the highest of alerts! Nothing is ever good enough. Constantly comparing anything black to something that is predominantly other. Never fully appreciating black excellence because, in their mind, it should always be better and it's not as good as this other thing. You sleepy, ain't you? Ungrateful, negative, exhausted and ornery from their unnecessary hyper-vigilance.

To those people I say: Get you some joy! But most importantly, take a nap!

Don't Do This: Vegan Venom & White Wokeness Gone Wrong

HEY, y'all!

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I am a year older since the last time I blogged. I have celebrated my mama, my grandmama and myself since my last blog.  I've been up and down the mid-atlantic, but now I'm back. This one's a humorous one because I want y'all to know, I'm still funny, ok?  Enjoy this terrible tale of terrifying treachery....

So, I'm in between "thangs" right now. And in that interim I have been "giving a man a chance". This concept is drizzled in misogyny because it implies that in order for me to not be a cat lady, I should date all of the way outside my box. My box ain't small, I refer to myself as an Equal Opportunity Offender when it comes to the dating world. But mostly, I do it for the stories, though and THIS one is a doozie!

Let me set this up for you: I go through phases of indiscriminately swiping right on Tinder when I'm bored just to see who's feeling the girl. This explains how I ended up out for drinks with a white guy from around the way that recently cut off his locs.... *pauses for reactions* I know, RIGHT?!?!

He says we're meeting for drinks and conversation. Cool. I get there and he's tinier than I expected. That's fine, it's just drinks and conversation. We're drinking and he's not as funny as he thinks he is. So sometimes I give a polite laugh and sometimes I give a side eye. We talk about me and how I pretty much work my 2 jobs, go out to eat with my friends and go to church. Church was an issue for him. He was spiritual and not religious and a yogi and once strongly identified with rastafarianism... *pauses for reactions*  He sarcastically told me it sounded like I didn't do much. He had already told me he has never left the east coast, but he's been to Quebec though. Me, "oh, ok."

We talk about school and he tells me that college wasn't his thing. "They only teach you HIS-STORY! 100!", he said. Yes, y'all he actually said "100" he said it many, many, many times throughout. We talk about music and he tells me he listens to everything. I say I do too and I tell him I really love bluegrass. He's like "Is that like the blues? I listen to the blues." Me, "no." He then tells me he likes to listen to roots/culture music on vinyl. Whose roots and culture, dude? He was referring to reggae, y'all. *pauses for reactions*

The convo goes on and I start not caring. I was saying anything that came to my head and did not care about being polite because I was over it at this point. I was rolling my eyes at his ridiculousness. Somehow we got on the topic of food. This is when I found out he was vegan.

How did I find out? By super preachy announcement and a further condescending "explanation", of course. Me, "Don't start that vegan bullshyt." Him, "What bullshyt?" Then he launches into a one-sided debate with all the vegan buzzwords including: square vs. circular cells, mention of sentient creatures, and a declaration to never kill anything with 2 eyes. (yet he mentioned he definitely kills mosquitoes, flies, spiders and the like)  *pauses for reactions*

Then he goes on to talk about what part of my argument I should not bring up. Mind you, I stopped talking after he got super hype about his side. He begins to discuss the ills of corporate farms and "the man". He may not have said "the man", but by this point I was ready to go. He said, "I like debating, it's fun.100" Me, "This definitely isn't fun for me." The bill arrives and he looks at me and asks if I mind splitting the check. The check that came to $17 whole dollars! I started to pay the whole check and walk out, but I HATE when women do that just to prove they can. So I said, yes, placed my card on top of his $11 (which he said included his tip) and prayed the waiter came quickly.

I'm sitting there wishing I had stayed home and had a V-8, and that's when I notice it. Mr. Woke Vegan Rage Against Corporate Consumerism is wearing a jacket from The North Face and beef and broccoli Timberlands. *pauses for reaction* Y'all.... Y'all! 

The waiter comes back with my card, I sign and grab my coat. Outside he asks,  "where is your car?" I point across the street, he says, "oh,  mine is over there" and points in another direction. He leans in for a hug.................. I give him the Christian side hug and he walks off toward his car................. I walk to my car alone and as soon as I am inside safely, I unmatch with him.

It was just drinks and conversation but I don't have room for THAT level of hypocrisy in my life!

Changing Faces or Facing Changes

Life is going to move on around us whether we want it to or not. How you deal with it makes all the difference. Will you merely survive the change or will you thrive because of it?

I have gone through a few changes in the last year and I count them all joy! They were necessary to create in me a spirit of  "Yes, I can!" Some of these things I never imagined having to deal with and others were welcomed breaks from my norm. But all of them were a lesson.

The James Baldwin quote above has stuck with me for years. It used to be my email signature back in the hotmail days! But it is more relevant now than ever because I have come to realize that I have been changing faces for years! Not always, but often. 

If you are being put in a position to do something that you already know goes against who you are at your core, but you do it anyway because it will make things easier, then you're changing faces.

If you are in a "relationship" where your needs are evolving and the other person is satisfied with the way things are, but you refuse to settle for their love anymore so you walk away, then you are facing changes.

If you are being led in your spirit to take on a task you do not think you are capable of and you put the task off until you  think it is the right time, then you are changing faces.

If you know you have a testimony with details that may cause people to look at you funny but you know that it will set someone else free so you share it anyway, then you are facing changes.

If you force yourself to laugh in situations where you want to cry... changing faces.

If you let the tears flow in situations where you would force yourself to laugh... facing changes.

Embrace change, it is inevitable. But you don't have to move in the same direction. Changing faces is often a put-on. Changing faces is often a front and the inauthenticity of it will start to wear on you so quickly! Changing faces often won't let your spirit rest easy. Changing faces often feels like worry, regret, and a need to prove to everyone else  that we are ok. Changing faces is often reactive. It's a compromise of values because the group says so. It's a way to survive.

Facing change may mean you need to change direction from your peoples. Facing change may mean you need to have that conversation you have been dreading. Facing change may mean you need to seek a new path. Facing change is proactive. It's making a move before the tide sweeps you away. It's a connection to your spirit that you trust to move you in the best direction. It's a means of THRIVING and not merely surviving. 

Ask yourself are you changing faces or facing changes? Are you thriving or surviving?

This is Why Nobody Likes Christians

Just last week I talked about confronting my own hypocrisy. Self-awareness is imperative to self-improvement. Self-improvement is imperative to becoming your higher self. Regardless of what you believe in, you should be aiming to become better in this life.

Now, here's the thing. I go to church, I believe in God, I follow the teachings of Jesus. I cannot stand Christians. Let me say it again: I. Cannot. Stand. Christians. This was not what I was going to blog about so this list is not in ANY order. But let me tell you why nobody likes "us".


1. We're ashamed of our testimony- If the Lord brought you out of it, why not share it? Why hide from your past if that's not who or what you are anymore? Why hide from your past if you are still struggling with it? If Ephesians 1:7 is true and you have redemption through his blood and there is glory after suffering like 1 Peter says, then what are you ashamed of really? No one is saying you have to go into gory detail about your drug dealer days nor glorify your mid-20s sexcapades, but you ain't gotta lie or clutch your pearls anytime your past comes up. Even if people are trying to use it against you, which people have DEFINITELY done to me, why not use it as a "LOOK AT ME NOW" moment. Those same people that tried to use my past against me once I started to be serious about my spiritual journey are now coming to me for prayer. #lookatgawd

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2. We're too judgey- In the same way that we are ashamed of our testimony, we use that shame to shame others. I watched a clip of a particularly infamous female preacher talking about the manner in which some women dress for church. Calling them names and being so adamantly graphic and vulgar about the female anatomy to the point she was almost foaming at the mouth! *Editing out my smart remark*  Why so much judgment for people you profess to love? Over undergarments!?!?

• Sidenote: Some of us more top-heavy women have issues keeping the puppies still in the kennel and others have issues turning off our high beams. I have pulled my sister aside and let her know her high beams were on as a courtesy. I didn't get on FB and blast it out in disgust. Sometimes folks are not aware or not even THINKING about that sort of thing. So why are you so angry? This judgment has even caused me to feel self-conscious in the middle of a good shout! I have definitely been in the middle of a praise and suddenly become aware of my body and thrown my arm across my chest all because I did not want to be judged for how well my undergarments controlled my situation under extreme circumstances. I have veered WAY off course!

My point is, we judge others for things they a- may not be aware of or sometimes can't help and 2- we have done ourselves. Clutching our pearls at people's drunk-in-the-club stories from last year when we are only a month away from our NEXT or LAST backslide. Then to disown the people whom you have judged.... chiiiiiiile! In John 6:37 the good Lord himself says "All those the Father Gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away." Yet, here you are publicly shaming those who have come to you for spiritual guidance. And I've already discussed being judged with the same judgement.... 

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3. We lie to ourselves and others- We don't have to tell everyone our business, but we also don't have to just outright lie. Why are you pretending to be this upstanding soldier in the Lord's Army when you know you don't have it all together? If your house ain't in order, your finances ain't right, your walk ain't straight OR narrow, FIX IT! We put an abundance of time and effort into appearing to be model Christians-- whatever that even means-- yet not enough time and effort is put into just being human. We all have sinned and fallen short. Some of us are planning to sin this weekend. We don't have to lie. But the aforementioned shame and judgment that has been ingrained in us prevents us from admitting it to ourselves. No one is completely sinless, no one is unconditionally blameless, no one is perfectly virtuous. Does that mean we shouldn't try to be? NO! But that does mean we don't have to try so hard to pretend to be. "Because you're no angel either, baby."- Bey

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4. We act like we ain't got time for nobody else- I saw a post on FB yesterday about millennials leaving church because the person in the pulpit cannot be bothered with the congregation. Where in the bible is that at? Matthew 25:40 talks about what you do for the "least of these" you did for Him. The least of these has some quantifiers earlier on in the chapter, but the point remains many of us act like we cannot be bothered with social justice, community service, outreach... NOTHIN! We don't have to hand out money to every homeless person on the street but we also don't have to walk out of church with our noses turned up and butts on our backs. I'm guilty of this as well because as an introvert, I honestly don't feel like heavy convo or light banter after pouring my soul out. But, I try to give a smile or light hug as I make my hasty exit.  I even apologize if I know I'm coming off wrong because I am aware of this fault. But for the people in the pulpit to do this, is damaging to "the least of these". Church hurt is some of the worst hurt!

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5. We're MAAAAD sexist, yo!- Christianity is problematic as a mugg! The Bible is full of  "Wait, what?" passages. It's been through many translations, and tons of edits, and outright omissions and additions. I get it. But like the Pointer Sisters said in Car Wash "You gotta believe in something". And I believe in the overarching themes of The Bible. I believe that what I have felt and experienced in church and through my practice and worship has been beneficial to my overall improvement and higher understanding of my life's purpose. 

HOWEVER, I know that some of the things that some of y'all's preachers spout is nothing but sexist foolishness. Women not causing men to stumble is chief among them. Many of us Christian women have bought into the internalized misogyny and have used it to keep us from being great.... like.... *sigh* I don't even know how to address this without a whole other 5 paragraph dissertation. Let me wrap this up, b!

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Most of y'all probably didn't even get this far... so I will just say, I acknowledge that Christianity is sexist and archaic in many ways, but I don't buy into it, nor do I allow it to deter me. I fight against it in many ways and will continue to do so. 

I made sure that I said WE so y'all know I am not excluding myself.... we ALL got work to do!

#DontDoThis- Unsolicited Health Advice

Hey, hi, yes, hello!
(Note: I'm considering changing the title of this blog to #DontDoThis cuz I say it DAILY)

I have been losing & gaining weight for years. And each time I get "advice" from someone that I ain't ask nothing. STOP THIS! I don't need your tips, testimonials, hints, or help. If I didn't ask you, I don't need to know.

I am capable of researching. I am capable of asking for help when I feel I need it. I am capable of losing weight when I am good and gosh darn ready. I don't always STICK to it because of who I am as a person (HA!) but you don't KNOW ME like I do. So please, locate your seat.

This is why I hate going to the gym!

I feel constantly scrutinized as a plus sized woman in the gym. Especially by dudes... As If I shouldn't be there. I have had more men "give me advice" than a lil bit. Sir, mind your task! I talk to ONE person & one person ONLY at the gym and SHE has given me the help I need. You, sir, can go THAT way.

I overheard a convo between two trainers at the gym and when I tell you I was DISGUSTED! They were casually laughing at people saying they want their bodies to look like theirs but weren't doing the work. DUDE, You WORK in the gym! You be on the treadmill when I get on the elliptical and you STILL on the treadmill 30 minutes later when I go to the weights and STILL on there sometimes when I leave. There's a 30 minute time limit... sooo how can anyone spend that much time? You don't know people's lives so you cannot and SHOULD not be laughing at someone that wants to look and feel better.

(let me just add how much I cannot stand male personal trainers. I have only had ONE I liked. He knew how to motivate me without making me not care anymore. Most of them motivational techniques they learn at the  Body Shamers R Us Personal Training School don't work on me & has gotten more than one cussed SLAM out!)

I've made several lifestyle changes!

I used to be able to hit the gym for a  few weeks and the pounds fall off. Not anymore, There are many OTHER things that this near-40 body requires. I don't know them all.... give me a break! I am cutting out things, adding things, doubling up on things. I've tried south beach, atkins, paleo, primal vegetarian and vegan. Good food is part of who I am and I HATE being the girl at the table asking "How is that prepared?" or "Can you substitute this for that?" So I am seeking my balance. Seek yours and BE BLESSED!

I am SO glad that you are able to carry all your meals and snacks around all day. I am SUPER happy that you can eat 3 twigs and a spoonful of dirt & meditate AND levitate. I am GREATLY impressed that you have the will power to go to Dunkin Donuts just to SMELL donuts every morning and be satisfied. GOOD FOR YOOOOOU! *sarcastic smile* But that ain't what works for me.

from: http://docbaird.com/clients/19370/images/Poor_nutrition.jpg

You don't know my life!
If these sounds like excuses, they ARE! and I know this, I don't need nobody pointing that out. So, ha!
I work 3 sedentary jobs. Two of which are mentally exhausting and require me to drive from place to place in the evenings. I was going to say more here, but my point is... Worry about yourself, ok? I got this... eventually.... so hush.

In conclusion to all those unsolicited health advisors out there: Unless someone ASKS you, let them LIVE! If you are not close enough to them to know them WELL, LET THEM LIVE!

Can You Hear Me Now?

One of the main things I have discovered in my newly framed womanist adventures is that some men just do NOT listen. Some of them it is willfully ignoring a woman's perspective and others it is just a demand to have THEIR opinion heard. I have witnessed exchanges the last few days on Twitter and on podcasts that have convinced me that dudes just do not LISTEN when a woman is talking about her lived experience with men.

From: http://veryunmarried.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/black-couple-arguing1.jpg

I often have men inbox me on Tha Book and tell me my posts have given them a new perspective on some issues. And of t hat, I am proud.... of myself and them. Growth is a beautiful thing. But then thee are those that must constantly reduce anything said to an argument about women do it too thing. Not realizing this is the same thing that they hate about having a debate about race relations with a person refusing to acknowledge their white privilege.

Why do I have to flip women/men convos into black/white convos for you to realize that you are exercising your male "privilege" to derail and disregard my feelings?

HEARING someone means that you recognize that someone is talking and may have a general idea what they are saying. LISTENING is more active. It's processing what is being said and not simply waiting your turn to talk.

Not believing a woman's lived experience is equivalent to white people not believing black people have it THAT bad with the cops. Remember that...

Shout out to the men in my life who GET it... The men who hear me out... and the ones who laugh on the sidelines at those who don't get it as they are DRAGGED in the post replies by my lady friends. lol

Grammys SHAMMYS!

Let me just say a few things about the Grammys. Keep in mind I didn't watch because... WHY!??!

1. All the GOOD awards were given out before the telecast. Shout out to Chick Corea, Dianne Reeves, Robert Glasper and Lalah Hathaway for their awards.
2. Beck is an artist in every sense of the word. Singer, writer, instrumentalist... ALL of that! "Respect artistry" INDEED!
3. Kanye is out here on his STANLEY for Bey & she couldn't even come to his monsterpiece of a wedding. 
4. Someone mentioned about Beyonce talmbout a billion dollars in the elevator and how she could've sent the elevator down for someone else to come up, namely Ledisi. Someone else mentioned that instead of up Ledisi would've gone out. To which I replied, like the Wonkavator, the elevator would have bypassed Bey in the penthouse & shot through the roof altogether!
5. Beyonce did not bring down na'an' house. I can tell that from the still pics. Ain't no SOUL in there.... you hear me? Ain't. No. Soul.
6. Because there is no soul in there. It does not surprise me that she ASKED to sing a song she had no business singing to be part of something she had no business being in with no regard for disregarding those that had every reason to be on that stage SANGIN!
7. The people that vote for the Grammys get it right sometimes i.e. Beck... but more often than not they get it wrong i.e.  pretty much EVERYTHING ELSE THAT WAS BROADCAST!
8. I'm not here for none of these folkses. And none of these folkses are here for me... And I'm fine with that. I ain't stannin or fannin out, I'm too old for that & so are most folks commenting on the other side of this.
9. Is it true that Bey ASKED to sing a song that Ledisi had already been acknowledged and applauded for rebirthing, killing, resurrecting, and helping it ascend into the heavens!??! Then Beyonce comes out and is meh to the max wit it? Who ordered the snore pie with yawn sauce?
10. Why can't Kanye & Bey & them go softly into that good night & give us a chance to miss them? You know how long Sade has been without an album? Do you know that BBD hasn't released new music this MILLENNIUM? Do you know that you can go have a seat somewhere and stop trying to shove your awesome down my throat? Because if you have to do that.... How awesome can you be, REALLY!?!?

In conclusion, the televised Grammys are a sham! *bangs gavel*

Also, I realize there is no Part 2 to my Italy blog.... because... life... so... it's coming if you still care.

HOLLA!

Say WHAT!?!?!?

This blog is a BIT all over the place... but just rock with me, I promise it'll be worth it!

There are times in the process of getting to know someone where communication breaks down. Sometimes it's forgivable, overlookable. But sometimes it's a testament to how the person listens, processes and acts upon what you tell them. I have known many a man who will ask you one thing, receive the answer and then develop something in their heads that when it does not come out how they planned get upset with you. Here's my issue with that. Time and again when they asked me a question I answer THAT question without assumptions or anticipations. So when THAT question is more open-ended than it should be, please don't get upset with ME! Prime example:

Them: What are you doing later? 

Me: Nothing.

Them HOURS later: So where do you want to go for dinner?

Me: I made plans already.

When you make your intentions clear from the beginning, there is no room for misunderstanding. Even in cases where someone wanted to surprise me, there are ways to make sure I'm where you want/need me to be at the right time without saying "I have a surprise for you". It's all about how and what you communicate.

I am a woman who says what I mean and mean what I say. If you interpret it any differently than how I said it, that's totally on you. I choose my words carefully for this very reason. I was a Communications major, I have a way with words, I KNOW what I said. In order to deal with me one must understand this.

I'm not perfect, by any means. There is a song performed by Nina Simone that says:

Oh baby, I'm just human

Don't you know I have faults like anyone?

Sometimes I find myself alone regretting

Some little foolish thing, some simple thing that I've done

'Cause I'm just a soul whose intentions are good

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

I SOMETIMES make mistakes in my communication due to emotion, or sleepiness..... But, for the most part I mean every word I say and I expect you to understand that. I don't set out to make things difficult for anyone, contrary to popular belief. But I do expect someone to be able to process what I say the way I say it without inferences and interpretations. If you ask me what I like and I tell you, then you immediately decide to do the opposite, I'm not going to go along just to get along. I said what I said for a reason. I say it all the time, "I'm always right and I'm almost never wrong" so disputing me is futile. Whether that is a good stance to take or not, it simply means I stand by my words. I can give you flowery prose, or I can be so concise and blunt that you may get your feelings hurt; either way I pride myself on my ability to communicate well. If you don't respect and understand that, you don't respect or understand me.

I urge you all to take heed to this. As an adult, you know what you like, love, or are indifferent about. You know what is important to you, what you are proud of, what means the most. If someone does not appreciate it or at least respect those things, they just aren't for you. Don't be afraid to say what you mean. Too often we mince words to keep someone around, failing to realize that we are suppressing a part of ourselves to appease someone else. Many of us have done it for far too long and still come up empty. So why not speak your peace (yes PEACE, think about it!) and let things come together or fall apart based upon  your truths. You'll be happier in the end, I PROMISE!

To Whom Much is Given...

I know I haven't been writing in a while. And that is because every now & then I like to enjoy life without having to tell the world about it. So now that that is out of the way, let's get down to business...

Word on the street is Chris Brown's entourage got into a fight with Drake's entourage in the midst of an industry party in NYC. I tried not to think about it after I read an article on it from TMZ earlier today. But as I got sucked into reading another update by TMZ, I REALLY got bothered. I was so bothered, I took to the Twitta: "Anyone that still supports any of the bucket headed, poor excuses for men involved in that celebrity club fight... *sigh*" Someone replied that our 20s weren't our best and lesson learned. I couldn't help but to think who learned what lesson? Certainly not C. Breezy, who has been in trouble for his temper and penchant for putting his hands on folk in the past and in a VERY public way.  But lesson notwithstanding, these people are millionaires and/or people who have been blessed with an ability that few others have. They are at a party surrounded by fans & other famous people. So WHY are you fighting? I have gotten into a confrontation or 2 in the club in my 20s but NEVER a full out brawl and NEVER anything I initiated. Even at that age, I realized I had too much to lose. And I didn't have anything but a red leather couch, champagne-colored '99 Corolla and a craptastic job at a "news" outlet.  

So how is it people with SOMETHING more obvious to lose are coming to blows amongst a throng of people? The Bible (don't tune me out YET) says to whom much is given much is required. While my couch, car & job may not have been a big deal to Drake & nem, I valued what I had. So what is required of these talented & successful guys wrecking in the club? What do they require of themselves? What has to happen before they learn their lesson? How many episodes of Unsung do these younguns need to watch? How far into your 20s can you act a fool before you have to stop using that as an excuse/reason? (Juelz is going to be 30 next year) 

By the way, overall, my 20's were pretty good times! Kinda my best years up to that point. I just really would like these stars to require a bit more of themselves. And the people that consume their product should too. Before people go getting all huffy, I supported C. Breezy up until this. Now? notsomuch. But I'm just the girl on the red couch! *shrug*