Don't Do This- Detrimental Dating Decorum

Y'all! I went on a date Sunday with a dude that flew in from the midwest. When he first reached out to me online it said he was in Baltimore which was already a "maybe" for me because me & men from Baltimore just shouldn't, EVER!

I show his pic to a friend and she says she knows of him. She gives me his full name and I look him up on the 'Book and see that he is not in Baltimore at all. I ask my friend about it and she confirms he is not from Baltimore and even checks his page for me to see if he maybe moved or something. She tells me he seems cool, but that he has said things that may raise a yellow flag. I ask him about where he lives and he tells me he is actually in the midwest and I'm all, no thanks I don't do long distance. And he's all not respecting my wishes like: "I can fly to you!" (remember that, it's important). So, I give him my burner number, because safety. He texts and calls and I'm not really feeling any kind of way about him. He mentions coming to the area and I told him that I was leaving town for nearly a week that week. He says we can do dinner on that Sunday. I say okay and then totally forget until he tells me he landed. OOPSIE!

He asks me where I want to meet. I tell him and I guess he looked up the address and said that would work. He calls me just before we are supposed to meet and asks to push the time back an hour. The spot is right near me so I am fine with it and laze about in the bed for another 30 minutes. I get to the spot and I am seated already when he walks in. I knew he was a big guy, but his pics underrepresented his size. I'm not trying to fat shame so I'm going to leave it at that. The important thing is that his shirt was terribly wrinkled. He sits down and we start chatting and looking over the menu. This spot has typical restaurant fare as well as vegan and vegetarian options. He looks over the menu and asks: "What kind of place did you bring me to?" I looked at him with the WTH? face.

He is asking me if I'd been on any good dates. I tell him no and tell him about the dude that didn't order anything and laughed when the bill came and I asked if I was supposed to pay. But in the middle of the story, the waitress comes by and he interrupts me to flag her down. He asks her for cheese fries, y'all! This isn't TGI Friday or Chili's! There aren't any cheese fries on the menu. But he makes her bring him fries and cheese sauce without asking me if I wanted an appetizer. The waitress (who had the same name as me) looked at me and gave me the quick eyes wide look. I shot her a IDK face and she walked away to put in his order. He then turns to me and says "Sorry, go ahead. I just needed to order something to take the edge off." Y'all. Y'all!

During this time, I apologize profusely about using my phone and explain to him that I am the point of contact for the trip the next day and people are messaging me and texting me about it. That was false! I was giving my aforementioned friend a blow by blow because I was truly disturbed. So we continue talking and I ask him what brings him to the area. Mind you we had this discussion that I was not going to be in town that week. And he also said he had a cousin here or something. His reply this time was: "I came to see you." But I definitely asked him before he arrived why he was coming and that was not what he said the first time.  He followed up with: "Because I knew you weren't going to come see me." The snark in his voice almost flipped my bitch-switch. Remember when I told you that I already told him that I don't do long distance relationships and he walked right on around that? Yeah, so this hint of sarcasm in his reply was frustrating to say the least.

The waitress comes to take our order and I get the catfish. (See what I did there?) He says he'll have the same. The waitress then informs him that the catfish is not deep fried. She glances at me, I say I know. He is not pleased with that. He's all oh no no no, let me get a burger then. As he's looking at the burgers, the waitress describes the lamb burger to him as an option. He looks disgusted and says: "That must be some east coast stuff." I say: "Actually it's Mediterranean." He says: "That's even farther east!" The waitress gives me the "Oh, girl!" look. I look down at my phone. He orders a burger with pickles only and a side of mayo. Then he asks the waitress what sides they had. She runs through them and he asks about mashed potatoes and gravy. She tells him TWICE they don't have gravy. He then resigns himself to the idea of ordering more fries. At this point, he tells me about his adoration for potatoes and runs through a list of his faves like Bubba in Forrest Gump. (That part may not have actually happened like that, but by this time I felt like I was in a movie or on Punk'd or something, so my mind may have added that particular part to the story.) The food comes and his table manners are atrocious. I'm ready to go home, but that catfish was some kinda good.

The bill comes and I'm sitting there with my arms folded. He reads this as me hoping he pays the bill and jokes about it. In my head I'm like I spent 3 digits in a steakhouse on Friday just because, aint nobody worried about who finna pay for your cheese fries! He says something about me sending him an evaluation of the date because dating is his craft. SIR? SIR! Sir...... I groan out an "Oh, really?" That's when it happened.... He starts talking about women going into hiding and coming out around 40 trying to get married. I tell him that I was not hiding. He says you're not 40. I say I will be next year. He's confused because he thought I was younger. He says oh well, I know you are trying to have a baby REAL soon. Me: No, I'm not. I can't have children. *death stare* Him: what about adoption or in vitro? Y'all! I tell him I am not going to talk about this with you and tell him I am ready to leave. He offers to walk me to my car. As we are walking to my car he asks why I parked so far. Y'all, it was the actual parking lot for the restaurant. I chose to park there instead of on the street. As I am walking to the car, he cuts across the street instead of walking to the corner without telling me. I am standing at my car with my hand on the handle and he reaches in to awkwardly give me a hug. I get in the car and he walks off. I never bothered to correct him on his behavior because I could tell he was not the type to comprehend his shortcomings. (remember that, it's important)

I call my friend immediately and recount the date. She is horrified and apologetic because she thought his yellow flag posts were just to get people talking. But apparently he believes his own bull. As I am heading into the house my friend says: "Girl, he just posted about you!" and sends me this screenshot:

Y'ALL!
1- what "rule" is this???
B- How oblivious do you have to be to not think that your personality and decorum on the date was the catalyst and not some imaginary lack of manners?

She watched the post and sent me some replies for entertainment purposes. I really started to send the screenshot to him, but realized he was not worth it. She and another mutual friend tried to get him to self-reflect but he was not having it!

Then the next day he posts that he will soon be crowning the last woman standing. Whomever she is, God bless her because he is a PHILISTINE!

Fathers be BETTER to Your Daughters

My problematic boo, John Mayer, has a song called Daughters. The song's chorus implores fathers to be "good" to their daughters because daughters will love like them. But there is one particular part of the song that I would like to address today:

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing inSince the day she saw him walking awayNow she's left cleaning up the mess he made

Songwriter: John Clayton Mayer  Daughters lyrics © Reach Music Publishing 

I see many of my male friends and associates on social media say and do terrible things as it relates to women. Defending their right to be creepy, flirty or obnoxious is chief among them. While I get that some irreverent things can be humorous, some things are not funny in today's climate. I laugh a LOT, all day even... But when I see the people that should be more aware of certain issues making light of them, it cheeses me off. (I say "cheesed off" in real life, this is not just blogspeak)

All over the internet I see Black women, specifically being the main reason Black men are in jail, effeminate, f**kbois. There is hardly ever any mention of the father. So when I see Black fathers of Black daughters saying and doing things that are not in-line with who they proclaim themselves to be, I cannot wrap my mind around it. I have called out a few on this incongruity and I have been told basically that they are teaching their daughters how to deal with men like them. Wait, what?!

I have had a dude tell me that some things are in a man's nature and therefore women should get used to it. I call BS! Part of psychotherapy is to treat maladjusted or problem behaviors. If you are looking at women and they are calling you creepy, that's a problem that even if it's in your nature can be treated if you are willing to make the change... if you are willing to make the change.... But if you feel like it is your right to leer at women because they are showing cleavage or their skirt is tight up on datazzdoe, then you clearly do not see the need to change. Yet, you are telling the women that you are making feel uncomfortable to change how they dress so that you don't creep them out. Huh?
via GIPHY

If you feel your daughters deserve to be treated by other men better than you treat other women, perhaps you need to treat other women better. If you wouldn't want a married man whispering untoward things into your single daughter's ear, then maybe you should stop doing it to other people's daughters. If you wouldn't want some old dude in a corner undressing your daughter with his eyes, then maybe you should stop doing it too. I cannot comprehend having to put your daughter in the situations you put other people's daughters in for you to see you could do better by them. Your disrespect toward your wife, your girlfriend, your baby mama and the women in the street by means of both your words and your actions impact the young women you are raising. All I am requesting is that you be better to everyone's daughters.

If you take issue with anything I have said here, may I suggest you contact your daughters and check-in with them. They are what's most important here.

In a world that is constantly making a Black woman feel unprotected, all I want is for these Black daughters to feel safe and protected by Black men (not from them).

 Full disclosure: I celebrate gray sweatpants and basketball shorts season in much the same way men celebrate sundress season because who doesn't like to look at nice things?? However, there has not been a time -to my knowledge- when a man has told me I was making him uncomfortable or felt like me glancing at him (not leering, staring, oogling, or salivating) put him in danger. Yet almost all of my women friends have felt uneasy or threatened by a man leering, staring, oogling or salivating at them. 

Little Women vs. Big Boys

Hey, look.... I enjoy a hearty debate. I enjoy tongue-in-cheek humor. But there is a line where those debates become arguments of fact vs. feelings and that humor is offensive and harmful. And I'm so over folks being obtuse about not knowing where that line is and WHY it exists.

So often we as black people have bought into this white, straight, rich male patriarchy that we forget it's: a- not FOR us and b- set up for us to fail. So when we take on certain debates or jokes from this angle it bothers me fiercely. How can their be two sides to topics like: knowingly transmitting diseases, pedophilia and toxic masculinity and what do you find so funny about them?

Arrah is Problematic
Yes , we knew R. Kelly was a pedophile but does that mean if he got away with it once he should continue to do so? At what point are we not going to have to envision OUR daughters, mothers, sisters in these predicaments to give a damn about strangers who are.

I just saw a meme that said: "B****es wasn't complaining about R. Kelly when them old ass dope boys was picking them up from school!" and men with DAUGHTERS were laughing at this. You are holding a 15-18 year old accountable for the actions of an adult man AND finding humor in the pedophilic experiences of "b****es" you know. So terrible grammar aside, you are also referring to the women standing up against this mess- WOMEN YOU KNOW- as b****es.

We gotta unlearn the foolishness
The day of the dope boy was a completely different era. However, most of us are now realizing that much of what we were taught by society then as it pertains to male-female relationships was inaccurate, inappropriate or just plain WRONG! Where is the man's responsibility in going to a SCHOOL to pick up a CHILD!? "She's fast!" because she is attracted to an older man. So what does that make an older man attracted to a CHILD!? Slow, I guess.... but y'all don't hear me.

People who don't want to address the issue usually try to deflect it, so they bring up Hugh Hefner. THIS AIN'T ABOUT HIM. Why are we comparing the two? You're saying that if we aren't "rescuing" the women at the Playboy Mansion who have not reported abuse then we shouldn't care about the Black women whom R. Kelly has manipulated and emotionally and physically abused?

When are we going to stop debating things that SHOULD be undebatable? When are we going to stop finding humor in the constant persecution of the Black GIRL!? When are we going to hold our MEN accountable for their actions? There is the myth of the blameless black man that basically believes that ANYTHING that happens negatively to a black man is a result of the system, the mama, or the chick who set him up. It does not acknowledge his part in something that is CLEARLY poor decision-making.

SN: Anyone that does not see the issue in Rick Ross' statement about not signing a woman to his label because he would need to have sex with her first....... I don't know if we can be friends. Like FAHRREAL!

Let's be good to and for each other, my people. Based on the direction of this administration... we ALL we got!