Little Women vs. Big Boys

Hey, look.... I enjoy a hearty debate. I enjoy tongue-in-cheek humor. But there is a line where those debates become arguments of fact vs. feelings and that humor is offensive and harmful. And I'm so over folks being obtuse about not knowing where that line is and WHY it exists.

So often we as black people have bought into this white, straight, rich male patriarchy that we forget it's: a- not FOR us and b- set up for us to fail. So when we take on certain debates or jokes from this angle it bothers me fiercely. How can their be two sides to topics like: knowingly transmitting diseases, pedophilia and toxic masculinity and what do you find so funny about them?

Arrah is Problematic
Yes , we knew R. Kelly was a pedophile but does that mean if he got away with it once he should continue to do so? At what point are we not going to have to envision OUR daughters, mothers, sisters in these predicaments to give a damn about strangers who are.

I just saw a meme that said: "B****es wasn't complaining about R. Kelly when them old ass dope boys was picking them up from school!" and men with DAUGHTERS were laughing at this. You are holding a 15-18 year old accountable for the actions of an adult man AND finding humor in the pedophilic experiences of "b****es" you know. So terrible grammar aside, you are also referring to the women standing up against this mess- WOMEN YOU KNOW- as b****es.

We gotta unlearn the foolishness
The day of the dope boy was a completely different era. However, most of us are now realizing that much of what we were taught by society then as it pertains to male-female relationships was inaccurate, inappropriate or just plain WRONG! Where is the man's responsibility in going to a SCHOOL to pick up a CHILD!? "She's fast!" because she is attracted to an older man. So what does that make an older man attracted to a CHILD!? Slow, I guess.... but y'all don't hear me.

People who don't want to address the issue usually try to deflect it, so they bring up Hugh Hefner. THIS AIN'T ABOUT HIM. Why are we comparing the two? You're saying that if we aren't "rescuing" the women at the Playboy Mansion who have not reported abuse then we shouldn't care about the Black women whom R. Kelly has manipulated and emotionally and physically abused?

When are we going to stop debating things that SHOULD be undebatable? When are we going to stop finding humor in the constant persecution of the Black GIRL!? When are we going to hold our MEN accountable for their actions? There is the myth of the blameless black man that basically believes that ANYTHING that happens negatively to a black man is a result of the system, the mama, or the chick who set him up. It does not acknowledge his part in something that is CLEARLY poor decision-making.

SN: Anyone that does not see the issue in Rick Ross' statement about not signing a woman to his label because he would need to have sex with her first....... I don't know if we can be friends. Like FAHRREAL!

Let's be good to and for each other, my people. Based on the direction of this administration... we ALL we got!

Grammys SHAMMYS!

Let me just say a few things about the Grammys. Keep in mind I didn't watch because... WHY!??!

1. All the GOOD awards were given out before the telecast. Shout out to Chick Corea, Dianne Reeves, Robert Glasper and Lalah Hathaway for their awards.
2. Beck is an artist in every sense of the word. Singer, writer, instrumentalist... ALL of that! "Respect artistry" INDEED!
3. Kanye is out here on his STANLEY for Bey & she couldn't even come to his monsterpiece of a wedding. 
4. Someone mentioned about Beyonce talmbout a billion dollars in the elevator and how she could've sent the elevator down for someone else to come up, namely Ledisi. Someone else mentioned that instead of up Ledisi would've gone out. To which I replied, like the Wonkavator, the elevator would have bypassed Bey in the penthouse & shot through the roof altogether!
5. Beyonce did not bring down na'an' house. I can tell that from the still pics. Ain't no SOUL in there.... you hear me? Ain't. No. Soul.
6. Because there is no soul in there. It does not surprise me that she ASKED to sing a song she had no business singing to be part of something she had no business being in with no regard for disregarding those that had every reason to be on that stage SANGIN!
7. The people that vote for the Grammys get it right sometimes i.e. Beck... but more often than not they get it wrong i.e.  pretty much EVERYTHING ELSE THAT WAS BROADCAST!
8. I'm not here for none of these folkses. And none of these folkses are here for me... And I'm fine with that. I ain't stannin or fannin out, I'm too old for that & so are most folks commenting on the other side of this.
9. Is it true that Bey ASKED to sing a song that Ledisi had already been acknowledged and applauded for rebirthing, killing, resurrecting, and helping it ascend into the heavens!??! Then Beyonce comes out and is meh to the max wit it? Who ordered the snore pie with yawn sauce?
10. Why can't Kanye & Bey & them go softly into that good night & give us a chance to miss them? You know how long Sade has been without an album? Do you know that BBD hasn't released new music this MILLENNIUM? Do you know that you can go have a seat somewhere and stop trying to shove your awesome down my throat? Because if you have to do that.... How awesome can you be, REALLY!?!?

In conclusion, the televised Grammys are a sham! *bangs gavel*

Also, I realize there is no Part 2 to my Italy blog.... because... life... so... it's coming if you still care.

HOLLA!

Say WHAT!?!?!?

This blog is a BIT all over the place... but just rock with me, I promise it'll be worth it!

There are times in the process of getting to know someone where communication breaks down. Sometimes it's forgivable, overlookable. But sometimes it's a testament to how the person listens, processes and acts upon what you tell them. I have known many a man who will ask you one thing, receive the answer and then develop something in their heads that when it does not come out how they planned get upset with you. Here's my issue with that. Time and again when they asked me a question I answer THAT question without assumptions or anticipations. So when THAT question is more open-ended than it should be, please don't get upset with ME! Prime example:

Them: What are you doing later? 

Me: Nothing.

Them HOURS later: So where do you want to go for dinner?

Me: I made plans already.

When you make your intentions clear from the beginning, there is no room for misunderstanding. Even in cases where someone wanted to surprise me, there are ways to make sure I'm where you want/need me to be at the right time without saying "I have a surprise for you". It's all about how and what you communicate.

I am a woman who says what I mean and mean what I say. If you interpret it any differently than how I said it, that's totally on you. I choose my words carefully for this very reason. I was a Communications major, I have a way with words, I KNOW what I said. In order to deal with me one must understand this.

I'm not perfect, by any means. There is a song performed by Nina Simone that says:

Oh baby, I'm just human

Don't you know I have faults like anyone?

Sometimes I find myself alone regretting

Some little foolish thing, some simple thing that I've done

'Cause I'm just a soul whose intentions are good

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

I SOMETIMES make mistakes in my communication due to emotion, or sleepiness..... But, for the most part I mean every word I say and I expect you to understand that. I don't set out to make things difficult for anyone, contrary to popular belief. But I do expect someone to be able to process what I say the way I say it without inferences and interpretations. If you ask me what I like and I tell you, then you immediately decide to do the opposite, I'm not going to go along just to get along. I said what I said for a reason. I say it all the time, "I'm always right and I'm almost never wrong" so disputing me is futile. Whether that is a good stance to take or not, it simply means I stand by my words. I can give you flowery prose, or I can be so concise and blunt that you may get your feelings hurt; either way I pride myself on my ability to communicate well. If you don't respect and understand that, you don't respect or understand me.

I urge you all to take heed to this. As an adult, you know what you like, love, or are indifferent about. You know what is important to you, what you are proud of, what means the most. If someone does not appreciate it or at least respect those things, they just aren't for you. Don't be afraid to say what you mean. Too often we mince words to keep someone around, failing to realize that we are suppressing a part of ourselves to appease someone else. Many of us have done it for far too long and still come up empty. So why not speak your peace (yes PEACE, think about it!) and let things come together or fall apart based upon  your truths. You'll be happier in the end, I PROMISE!

Mid-FEBRUARY Already! I MUST be Dreaming!

The months have been FLYING by for me. I have performed in a step show, survived an anxiety-filled Christmas, had a birthday, and celebrated my beau's birthday all while singing in the choir, participating in an ACTIVE youth ministry & being a full-time grad student. Life has been going on & on & on & on...

This can be a good thing. But it becomes a bad thing when the highs seem stratospherically high & the lows are subterraneanly low! Self-care is imperative! I realize this & sometimes have no time for it at the length it "need be"...

I am in school to become  a licensed professional counselor. "What do that mean, Bri?" It means I need a good therapist! Behind every good therapist, is a good therapist! My life is changing and I really don't understand it all. What I DO understand is I need a better understanding of myself, my motives, my situations, my emotions, my wants & NEEDS. I think I know at least 1 thing I need: A BREAK!

But from what? friends? family? work? school? the ministry? my surroundings? my own thoughts? my reality?

I have an imagination that rivals some of the greatest in the entertainment industry, I promise. So, in my head, I have seen and done a lot of people, places, and things... Wait I didn't mean it like that, or did I? Just kidding... not really.

I have seen my future in a million ways and each way has been more awesome than the one before it. But imagination can be misleading because there are a lot of things that have to go on in the present to enable those dreams to come true in the future. Many times, we are not in control of these things and THIS makes me nervous. This nervousness turns to anxiety & if I am not careful, that anxiety may turn into PANIC! Then, the men in the white jackets need to be called... if I don't take that little white pill. I'm not rambling here. There really is a little white pill that you can take when you are anxious that turns your anxiety down SO LOW, you run out of G.A.S. (give a sh*t- pardon my francais!).

So back to the control issue... I cannot control other people. I may be able to persuade them, but I cannot control them. (And I hate manipulators so that is out of the question.) So I have to trust that those people will do right by me. But what is right? Especially since so much of my future is swirling around getting mixed and mashed up in my head. Even my dreams at night seem real, no matter how strange, I still wake up thinking they are plausible. I mean who wouldn't be ok with having a robot version of themselves filling in for them at work while you take a trip to the moon on a Virgin Galactic rocket with your sisterwives & brotherhusbands?? I mean REALLY! TO THE MOOOON, BABY!

picture from http://www.virgingalactic.com/assets/img/overview/spaceships/banner.jpg



So what am I talking about here? A clear head, a sober mind, a focused vision and a word from the Lord. Oh yeah and a VACATION... not to the MOON... but maybe to the Bahamas... or SOMETHING! and DEFINITELY not on a cruise, cuz apparently those don't end well these days! EEK!

Y'all enjoy what is left of your February and try to stay out of "TROUBLE" tomorrow... ifyaknowatImean!

WHERE is the Next Musical Genius!??!

Does ANYONE play an instrument anymore?
Can anyone sit down with a pen & pad & write POETRY & put it to music?

Where is the next musical genius?
How many of these artists being lauded today can IDENTIFY instrument and walk up to it & play it?Excluding a beat machine...

With Usher claiming he is the successor to MJ (NOT!) and Kanye being compared to Quincy (and Quincy HOLLERING: I don't THINK so!), where is the next big thing that is accelerated to the top by more than a always-in-your-face PR campaign, a wind machine & a constant reminder of them being great?

Prince plays over 20 instruments... How many artists out today can NAME 20 ACTUAL instruments?

I am clearly disgusted with what is passing for popular music, partially increased by the fact that I am listening to Hot 99.5 right now & Ursher is whinnying thru this song. I need the old days back when ONLY Roger was using a vocorder! And only rappers performed in concert with a DJ! *sigh*

I need the REAL singer/songwriters to please STAND  UP!

I Call SHENANIGANS!

The other day a friend of mine made a comment about his great night out! Knowing him, foolishness abounded. His brand of foolishness usually involves chicks fighting for his time, tussling for for his attention, and so on and so forth. It also usually involves him encouraging such insidious behavior. With that said, he also used to complain about such behavior from women in whom he was interested.

Does he have the right?



Can a guy encourage women to sip champagne from each others cleavage AND be upset that a girl that is interested in him was the champagne sipper? Can a guy sweet talk the drawz off a chick in the club (LITERALLY) and then get upset when the girl you are interested in decides to forgo panties in the club altogether?

Is this the equivalent to a drug dealer being upset because crack is ruining the community? Can you expect a lady to act like a lady when you treat that lady like a whore?

Now I am sure that some will say well, if she acts like that then that's on her. But let's slip that shoe on the other foot. Would she act like that if the man to whom she was attracted didn't appear to like it? Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

What if you drove a big bodied Benz but treated it like it was a hooptie? No oil changes, no windshield wiper fluid, cigarette holes in the seats. One day you decided you wanted to upgrade for a Benz with all the bells & whistles but when you get to dealership all the used cars have just as much noticeable wear and tear and the newer ones aren't made very well because the manufacturer knows you only drive the car for show and you are going to tear it up anyway? Do you vow to treat your old car better? Do you demand that the manufacturer use better materials for their cars?

Let's say you had an architecturally amazing, multi-million dollar home for sale. In order to get top dollar you had to give the potential buyer what they wanted: leopard print wall paper, pepto pink brick with fire engine red shutters, green shag carpet and a toilet in every room (no walls around it, JUST a toilet). Do you risk losing the buyer to keep the architectural integrity of the home? or do you give the buyer what they want, take the money and run!? Who cares, right? it's just a house. But what if you were only renting it out for a short time? Would you be willing to jeopardize a long-term investment for short term gain? As the potential buyer/renter, are you willing to devalue someone's home for your own comfort and enjoyment or "just cuz you can"? Is  What if it became a rent to own situation and there was a possibility by the time you owned the home the carpet & wall paper & toilets everywhere weren't a good look anymore? Just throw a little money at it and the problem is solved, huh? Is today's whim more important than the big picture?

So which comes first?


I'm still not sure but either way you can't publicly encourage and promote shenanigans and turn around and just as publicly denounce  those very same shenanigans in which you regularly participate. QUITITOUT!

Plus Zero

Just a quick rant...

Why does it seem like some people alwys have something to say, but NOTHING to add. Think about that for a moment. In meetings at work, there is always that one person that has to say something, butin the end, what they say neither adds nor subtracts from the convo. It's just there. like a "+ 0" in a long equation. Why is this here? no matter where it is in the equation: beginning, middle, or the end- the fact remains, it adds nothing.

I know plenty of folk that are "minus one"s taking away from something important. And there are those people that like to give extemporaneous info "Exponentializers", they are the ones that just like to show you how much more they know than you... useless as it may be.

I am sure we have all been one of these or the other at some point in time. But what do you do when a person is a constant "+ 0" to the point where it sticks out like a sore thumb and aggravates you just as much.

For once, I don't know... If I come up with something, I'll let you know.

or not...

A Failure to Communicate

So it would seem, the less interested you act... the more interested a guy becomes. I have two problems with this:

1. I don't like playing games.
2. What if I'm really NOT interested?

It appears that I have no choice in the latter. I just got off the phone with a guy I met in Glen Burnie back in February after he gave me his parking space in a crowded parking lot and subsequently pulled up behind me to "holla". I was in a hurry, so I cut the small talk, took his number & ran inside the building. After leaving, I decided to go ahead and get it out of the way, so I called him. He seemed cool. Older, divorced, one child that is about 10, business owner... several businesses. Then, his inconsistencies began to show.

He'd ask what I was doing on a certain day because he wanted to see me go to dinner, etc. Then I wouldn't hear from him for a week. This happened more than once. But I guess since we never set a time, it's not really considered being stood up, right? So after the first time, I just didn't take him as a man of his word... and he didn't make any effort to be one. I stopped calling. He did not. He would call late. He would call early. He would call 2 times within a few hours. (But not in a stalkerish calling everyday kind of way... just once a week or so) I would look at the phone with the "Mm." face. Now some guys may be saying that ain't right, blah blah blah. And really that is true.

The last time he called, I answered. It was late and I was in Miami so I picked up the phone without looking thinking it was one of my friends that was down there at the time. It was not. I was short with him, told him I was in Miami and he asked me to bring him a real estate paper back. WHAT??? He said it would be a good reason for us to link up. After the various previous missed links, I knew there was a very slim chance I would see him or talk to him anytime after that. I was correct.

It has been almost exactly one month since I went to Miami. about an hour ago my phone rings & I recognize the number as his. I took a deep breath and answered the phone. I was determined to make it plain today. I was dry, short & less than chatty. He noticed, but apparently that wasn't enough for him. He continued to talk as if we had just spoken last week. He asked what area I worked in & said he wanted to do lunch. Then he started telling me where he was and asking if that was close to where I worked. I told him no. He kept talking about going to lunch and I point out to him that I never agreed to go to lunch with him. He asks if I have time for lunch today, I say yes. He asks if I can go to lunch today, I say I COULD. I think he may finally be starting to get it.

Finally after a few more minutes of pained conversation I said: "The last few times you said you wanted to see me, you didn't even bother to call back."

His response: "I've been busy, I've got businesses to run. I'm hiring people and firing people. I get sidetracked." (I know someone in a similar situation who has made time to text, or call, or send a FB message... SOMETHING.)

I say, dryly, "For weeks at a time?"

He laughs a little and says. "Well, over that time, as strange as it seems I WAS thinking about you, if you can believe that. I just really been busy."

"Well, you can make time for anything if you wanted to."

"This is true."

"You didn't leave me with a great impression."

Here he goes into a spiel about even if we're just friends he thinks I'm a good person. And good people need good people and this and that and the other. Insert mixed metaphors and misinterpreted cliches here. BLAH! He apologized several times. Then, after allll that he says: "So when can we try again this week?" Is he serious? I said what happened to going to lunch this afternoon. He said he wouldn't be done until 9 PM. Ummmm huh? I reminded him that he JUST said something about going to lunch today. He says he is free until 12. It was 10:50. He says the ball is in my court, yadda yadda. I say I am free Wednesday. He says ok how about an early dinner. I ask what is early. He says 8. I'm thinking 8 isn't early, that's dinnerTIME. He says ok then 6 on Wednesday. I say, sure. And he tells me to call him later. I say goodbye and hang up. I talk to my girl via IM... and then, I share it with you.

So, here is my rationale. I had never informed him that I found his previous actions to be egregious. So I cannot, in all fairness, fault him for them. Upon informing him of such, it is only fair to give him the opportunity to redeem himself. His age and assumed level of experience with women, notwithstanding, I cannot assume that he knew better though I am fairly certain he did. I have made it plain for him and will no longer bite my tongue. We'll see how THIS turns out... *eyeroll*

Let's Just Agree to MOVE ON!

OK folks, it's moving day!

The "buzz" of the morning is the Chris Brown interview on Larry King last night. Guess what? I didn't watch it. I saw that twitter was a-twitter about it from comments on his clothing, his demeanor, his grammar... And I'm wondering why do you care?

There were tweets about statistics, with NO statistics... and people so passionate it seemed they were crying at their keyboards. Now, I know that when the incident FIRST happened, my girls and I got into a HEATED discussion. But, that seems LIGHT YEARS away.

I hear he had on a FOOLISH outfit and I was considering tuning in for that ONLY. But other than that, I didn't care and that doesn't make me a bad person. I have REAL things to worry about, things that affect me DIRECTLY like who got eliminated fro Top Chef last night... HA! (I kiiiid, I kiiiid!)

But seriously folks, whether you think CB was right or wrong... whether you think RhiRhi was a victim or an agitator... The justice system has spoken! So unless CB is asking you to help him appeal or something... let's just move on...

There's Healthcare reform, bad azz children on the metro... SOMETHING... I am not even requesting to agree to disagree, I am requesting we all move on... onward & upward, people! C'mon!

Helping Myself to Loneliness

The following is a rant brought on by recent events & conversations. It may seem a little disconnected, but it was written in semi-stream of consciousness...

It is hard to really and truly understand how I feel. Loneliness is the worst feeling I have ever felt because even when you are not alone, it does not go away. I have run into a bad string of fools here lately. And through it all, I have just felt lonely.

I am a helper... I like to help my family, my friends & apparently men. My friends tell me I am too nice to people that don't deserve it. They say the people I deal with aren't on my level. But the people I deal with don't talk to me as crazy as a man of my intelligence level would. I don't like to have to PROVE how smart I am constantly. I enjoy a good debate, but I shouldn't have to constantly be talked to like a stoopid girl. I hate that! And, for the most part the lesser-thans don't talk to me like that so I guess they are a little easier to deal with.

One of my friends said I NEED to change my social scene. But I don't see it that way because when I LIKE my social scene & when I go out, I don't go with the purpose or even desire of meeting anyone new. I go out with the purpose of having a good time with the people I already know. A complete change of scenery would only make me feel more lonely because I'd be the new girl in high school, it would be MUCH harder to make new friends. I have branched out & done things on my own that none of my friends would do with me. And I have been very, very successful at my newest venture, so much so that I am thinking of doing much more of it, but that will have to wait.

I am slowly coming to grips with not having anyone to depend on but myself. Despite me being there for certain people, including my family. To me, this is what hurts the absolute most. That people who you have gone above & beyond for don't have the common courtesy to call if they aren't coming, to come when they call, or to make time in their "busy" schedule to share with you something you deem important. The sad truth is, this isn't going to stop me from helping others and sharing things with them.