Black Unicorn Tears

I feel like all my posts should come with a trigger warning.... so:

This post contains references to interpartner violence and statutory rape.

Last week I learned that strong, black girls AND women can't be victims. This person even told me that they viewed me as a strong girl in HS. It was at that point I revealed to them that as a "strong girl" I was assaulted by a boy within the walls of that very same HS. Because i believed int he myth of the "strong girl" I did not press charges even though I absolutely should have. Instead, I blamed myself. This boy was my boyfriend. I was in the 10th grade and he was an upperclassmen. I was not prepared to go farther than kissing but I am a naturally flirty and affectionate person. This caused issues for him. One day, in the front lobby of the school he pinned me to the ground and began screaming at me. My memory of the situation is foggy, but I recall him saying that he didn't understand me and he didn't know what I wanted. An administrator pulled him off me but I don't think anything else happened after that. I avoided him at all costs thereafter and I don't recall if he ever apologized. But I remember that I felt that I was to blame. 

I was barely 15 and I was already blaming myself for another person's inability to control themselves. This person was 18 and I, still a minor, blamed myself. I had almost completely forgotten about it (or buried it DEEEEP DOWN inside) until years later when someone was "playing" with me and pinned me down. It all came to the surface and I had to let them know why I reacted the way I did (because I went beserk). 

But I told that convoluted tale to say this. Mental strength does not make you any less of a victim. We put this false definition of strength on people which forces them to never feel as if they can be vulnerable or weak or HUMAN. I jokingly refer to myself as a Black Unicorn because I apparently am a rare breed of woman with no children, no ex-husbands, and no effs to give who spreads glitter and rainbows and sunshine and apple sauce! But in reality, I am a female human who makes mistakes, gets hurt, doubts her greatness and cries regularly. 

Last week there was a conversation about the young lady who is now speaking out about her relationship with R. Kelly. Within that conversation someone stated that the young girl was equally to blame. The person went on to talk about how "fast" young girls are and also how 16 and 18 were not that different. Think about that. If a 16 year old girl is the same as an 18 year old as far as making adult decisions, then where does "childhood" begin and end for young, Black girls? Even when presented with the data that 60% of Black women are sexually abused by the age of 18, this person insisted that this young girl was at fault and not a victim at all but a girl who knew what she liked earlier than others. This person totally missed the point that someone who likely abused her had introduced her to "what she likes". I am getting worked up all over again so let me wrap this up.

We cannot expect our Black girls to be strong and leave them unprotected from adult men who prey upon them and groom them. Young girls have to be taught to make ADULT decisions at 15 and 16 years old because boys are not being taught to treat them better and men are refusing to let them be children. #NotAllMen

Fathers be BETTER to Your Daughters

My problematic boo, John Mayer, has a song called Daughters. The song's chorus implores fathers to be "good" to their daughters because daughters will love like them. But there is one particular part of the song that I would like to address today:

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing inSince the day she saw him walking awayNow she's left cleaning up the mess he made

Songwriter: John Clayton Mayer  Daughters lyrics © Reach Music Publishing 

I see many of my male friends and associates on social media say and do terrible things as it relates to women. Defending their right to be creepy, flirty or obnoxious is chief among them. While I get that some irreverent things can be humorous, some things are not funny in today's climate. I laugh a LOT, all day even... But when I see the people that should be more aware of certain issues making light of them, it cheeses me off. (I say "cheesed off" in real life, this is not just blogspeak)

All over the internet I see Black women, specifically being the main reason Black men are in jail, effeminate, f**kbois. There is hardly ever any mention of the father. So when I see Black fathers of Black daughters saying and doing things that are not in-line with who they proclaim themselves to be, I cannot wrap my mind around it. I have called out a few on this incongruity and I have been told basically that they are teaching their daughters how to deal with men like them. Wait, what?!

I have had a dude tell me that some things are in a man's nature and therefore women should get used to it. I call BS! Part of psychotherapy is to treat maladjusted or problem behaviors. If you are looking at women and they are calling you creepy, that's a problem that even if it's in your nature can be treated if you are willing to make the change... if you are willing to make the change.... But if you feel like it is your right to leer at women because they are showing cleavage or their skirt is tight up on datazzdoe, then you clearly do not see the need to change. Yet, you are telling the women that you are making feel uncomfortable to change how they dress so that you don't creep them out. Huh?
via GIPHY

If you feel your daughters deserve to be treated by other men better than you treat other women, perhaps you need to treat other women better. If you wouldn't want a married man whispering untoward things into your single daughter's ear, then maybe you should stop doing it to other people's daughters. If you wouldn't want some old dude in a corner undressing your daughter with his eyes, then maybe you should stop doing it too. I cannot comprehend having to put your daughter in the situations you put other people's daughters in for you to see you could do better by them. Your disrespect toward your wife, your girlfriend, your baby mama and the women in the street by means of both your words and your actions impact the young women you are raising. All I am requesting is that you be better to everyone's daughters.

If you take issue with anything I have said here, may I suggest you contact your daughters and check-in with them. They are what's most important here.

In a world that is constantly making a Black woman feel unprotected, all I want is for these Black daughters to feel safe and protected by Black men (not from them).

 Full disclosure: I celebrate gray sweatpants and basketball shorts season in much the same way men celebrate sundress season because who doesn't like to look at nice things?? However, there has not been a time -to my knowledge- when a man has told me I was making him uncomfortable or felt like me glancing at him (not leering, staring, oogling, or salivating) put him in danger. Yet almost all of my women friends have felt uneasy or threatened by a man leering, staring, oogling or salivating at them. 

Little Women vs. Big Boys

Hey, look.... I enjoy a hearty debate. I enjoy tongue-in-cheek humor. But there is a line where those debates become arguments of fact vs. feelings and that humor is offensive and harmful. And I'm so over folks being obtuse about not knowing where that line is and WHY it exists.

So often we as black people have bought into this white, straight, rich male patriarchy that we forget it's: a- not FOR us and b- set up for us to fail. So when we take on certain debates or jokes from this angle it bothers me fiercely. How can their be two sides to topics like: knowingly transmitting diseases, pedophilia and toxic masculinity and what do you find so funny about them?

Arrah is Problematic
Yes , we knew R. Kelly was a pedophile but does that mean if he got away with it once he should continue to do so? At what point are we not going to have to envision OUR daughters, mothers, sisters in these predicaments to give a damn about strangers who are.

I just saw a meme that said: "B****es wasn't complaining about R. Kelly when them old ass dope boys was picking them up from school!" and men with DAUGHTERS were laughing at this. You are holding a 15-18 year old accountable for the actions of an adult man AND finding humor in the pedophilic experiences of "b****es" you know. So terrible grammar aside, you are also referring to the women standing up against this mess- WOMEN YOU KNOW- as b****es.

We gotta unlearn the foolishness
The day of the dope boy was a completely different era. However, most of us are now realizing that much of what we were taught by society then as it pertains to male-female relationships was inaccurate, inappropriate or just plain WRONG! Where is the man's responsibility in going to a SCHOOL to pick up a CHILD!? "She's fast!" because she is attracted to an older man. So what does that make an older man attracted to a CHILD!? Slow, I guess.... but y'all don't hear me.

People who don't want to address the issue usually try to deflect it, so they bring up Hugh Hefner. THIS AIN'T ABOUT HIM. Why are we comparing the two? You're saying that if we aren't "rescuing" the women at the Playboy Mansion who have not reported abuse then we shouldn't care about the Black women whom R. Kelly has manipulated and emotionally and physically abused?

When are we going to stop debating things that SHOULD be undebatable? When are we going to stop finding humor in the constant persecution of the Black GIRL!? When are we going to hold our MEN accountable for their actions? There is the myth of the blameless black man that basically believes that ANYTHING that happens negatively to a black man is a result of the system, the mama, or the chick who set him up. It does not acknowledge his part in something that is CLEARLY poor decision-making.

SN: Anyone that does not see the issue in Rick Ross' statement about not signing a woman to his label because he would need to have sex with her first....... I don't know if we can be friends. Like FAHRREAL!

Let's be good to and for each other, my people. Based on the direction of this administration... we ALL we got!

Can You Hear Me Now?

One of the main things I have discovered in my newly framed womanist adventures is that some men just do NOT listen. Some of them it is willfully ignoring a woman's perspective and others it is just a demand to have THEIR opinion heard. I have witnessed exchanges the last few days on Twitter and on podcasts that have convinced me that dudes just do not LISTEN when a woman is talking about her lived experience with men.

From: http://veryunmarried.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/black-couple-arguing1.jpg

I often have men inbox me on Tha Book and tell me my posts have given them a new perspective on some issues. And of t hat, I am proud.... of myself and them. Growth is a beautiful thing. But then thee are those that must constantly reduce anything said to an argument about women do it too thing. Not realizing this is the same thing that they hate about having a debate about race relations with a person refusing to acknowledge their white privilege.

Why do I have to flip women/men convos into black/white convos for you to realize that you are exercising your male "privilege" to derail and disregard my feelings?

HEARING someone means that you recognize that someone is talking and may have a general idea what they are saying. LISTENING is more active. It's processing what is being said and not simply waiting your turn to talk.

Not believing a woman's lived experience is equivalent to white people not believing black people have it THAT bad with the cops. Remember that...

Shout out to the men in my life who GET it... The men who hear me out... and the ones who laugh on the sidelines at those who don't get it as they are DRAGGED in the post replies by my lady friends. lol

You Hear Me, But Are You LISTENING?

I was going to do a blog yesterday about picking your battles in relationships. But, I just didn't feel inspired after a while to even address it. Most times I have to write in the moment, or it just doesn't flow the way I want or need it to flow.

Last night my girl J & I went to a discussion about Black men & women. And at this point, I wish I had stayed home. We jokingly said we were going to go there just so we could repeat over and over GUYS... DON'T... LISTEN!  But as it turns out, guys don't listen. And they proved it last night over and over again. They also proved that guys are very sensitive. The main issue I had with the guys in the room is that most of them were married or taken. Why are you here? It certainly wasn't to give sage advice... It seems their primary purpose was to say I am going to do what I want and you should accept that and look where it could get you... married to me after 5 years of dealing with my "I should have my picture in the dictionary under the word 'player'" self... That's an actual quote from a married man!

The night started out okay, but it turned into an emotional cauldron when I said I'm not in the habit of talking to guys that get on at Judiciary Square wearing a white tee and jeans because most of the ones I have encountered there have been "on papers" or coming from court. Apparently that statement (well, that is a paraphrase) was the heartbreak heard round the room because all the tee shirt and jeans wearers got up in arms.

Q: Why?
A: Because they HEARD I don't talk to guys in tee shirts and jeans.

Q: Is that what I SAID?
A: NO! But because they weren't LISTENING, they got upset & suddenly every man in the room had a comment for ME!

Q: Was I the only woman talking?
A: NO! Nor was I the only woman SAYING what I was saying. But for some reason, it was all about ME & J last night. *waves to my fans in the stands*

The overriding theme last night was the women's perceptions were based on self-preservation. The guys' perceptions were based on "give a brother a chance"... Am I the only one that sees the problem here?

Most of the voice raising and attitude came OVERWHELMINGLY from the guys. Including one guy who got SO mad at my Judiciary Square comment he went outside to take a breather. Then when he came back, he had SO much to say about what J & I said from the beginning up until I finally just walked out.

Q: Why was he so mad?
A: Because he was just at Judiciary Square in a tee shirt and jeans.

Q: Why was he there?
A: To get points off his license...

Q: How is that different from being on papers, or going to court?
A: I'm not really sure, but he felt that made him better than the defendANTS I see down there on the regular.

Then he tried to say that he has been down there in a suit and tie because he was going to court. And people would assume he was a lawyer. He could not have been more wrong. Lawyers at Judiciary Square have rolling briefcases full of files, etc. If I saw you down here with a suit on and a folder, I'd know. But I never mentioned guys in suits, NOR my preference of men, NOR the guys/men that I have dated, talked to, befriended, etc. in the very recent past. Guess what? They're tee shirt and jeans wearers. But guess where I did NOT meet them? That's RIGHT! Judiciary Square! I even felt kinda bad for the tee shirt and jeans wearers in the room and said I pay attention to the style and brand. But of course that just meant I was a Label Whore. and it certainly could not have meant that I use context clues to weed out the defendants from the hard-working tee shirt and jeans wearers.

The truth is I have dated guys without cars, guys that lived with their parents, guys that had more tennis shoes then dress shoes, guys that only graduated high school, guys that are artists and musicians, guys that were manual laborers. The TRUTH is I give a brother a chance, but the TRUTH is also, I have to be careful when and where. Because as a single woman in a Metro area, I'm all I got. But instead of empathizing with that, the guys that were there last night were waiting for a chance to defend or in some cases offend. People came to my defense last night because they said that I was being attacked. I didn't feel attacked, I found it funny because all attention was on me in a room full of women with similar opinions and I just couldn't figure out why. I can't explain to you HOW in their feelings some of those guys were... It got to the point where I would just laugh when they started talking. Because they were THAT emotional about tee shirts and jeans. But had they bothered to ask me if I dated men in tee shirts and jeans the answer would be an OVERWHELMING yes! One of the men I see most often is older than most of the guys in the room and is an AVID tee shirt and jeans wearer. I have seen him dressed up MAYBE twice.

But once the guy that had been in my and J's face all night suddenly got STANK! I knew it was time to excuse myself before I really got into it with him. He said he wasn't going to say everything he wanted to say because it would make too much sense. My response: "Yeah why would you want to make sense in a DISCUSSION!" and laughed. Apparently that was what turned him into a crazy-eyed HULK and he began spewing madness. Then it carried over into his business-sense and I heard him say probably the rudest thing you would want to hear from a business-owner. and THAT was when I had to leave. He had gotten so emotional about tee shirts and jeans, he let it cloud his business mind. EMOTIONAL!

"Look at me, I can't stop CRYING

Inside my heart is slowly DYING!"

The guys assumed that I was mad at one point, I told them that I was really disappointed because they weren't listening. And they proved it time and again.

And we're not even going to GET on the topic of the blatant lies that were being told and the inconsistencies in stories. For instance, TWO guys said they were players, those TWO guys were tee shirt and jeans guys, those TWO guys got mad at me for not wanting to talk to tee shirt and jeans guys at Judiciary Square, YET those TWO guys just said they were players... But maybe it's just me...

Shout out to alll my tee shirt and jeans wearing men that work hard and do what a man is supposed to do!!! *muah*

WHEW, I feel better now... can you say CATHARTIC!


p.s. I purposely didn't mention the name of the establishment or event because I'm going to "give the brothers a chance" again in the near future...