Are You Walking in Your Gifting?

I received a call today from someone I respect and admire spiritually, so when they told me that God had placed something on their heart to say to me I LISTENED! Basically they asked me if I was walking in my gifting. I had NO answer and that bothered me.

Not to brag, but I'm pretty good at quite a few things. So which ONE is my gift? I have dabbled in a few things but nothing seemed to STICK. So here I am, wondering what am I supposed to stick with in order to be able to truly say I am walking in my gifting? There's no online quiz that you can take (maybe there is but would you trust it?) that can help you determine what GOD has called you to do.
You have to hear it from Him.

I have too many things crowding out His voice. So it is time to seriously step away from some things and some people. As I am typing this, I have tears in my eyes because, until today, I thought I was going to be able to keep certain things and still prosper. But so much of what I have been dealing with lately- the good and the bad- has been temporary fixes and issues for things that require more than just a Band-Aid. I have to stop rationalizing with myself and realize I may need stitches or even surgery. It will not be an easy journey. It is one I have taken time and again.

Sometimes I hold myself to a high standard in some areas and not in others. I don't know where that came from, but I am going to keep down this path because this blog is for you and for me. I want what I want but I also want to have the moral high ground. Sometimes these things do NOT match up and I convince myself that it is okay. But it is not okay. I say I am not perfect so making mistakes is okay, and it is. But being willfully ignorant, oblivious, and wrong is not. I always say things are not always black and white. There are not only gray areas, but also COLORS.... MILLIONS of colors! And it is in the choosing of those colors that you determine how your life will be viewed. Cool tones, warm tones, grayscale? I feel like I have not been choosing the best colors lately. But luckily, I still have a little time to paint it over. I have time to draw a different path. I have time to upgrade my standards in ALL areas. I have time to proceed in my gifting. But only if I start TODAY & trust the process.

When I was looking for an image to go with this blog, I came across another blog that was over a year old but spoke to this same thing. This blog says that when you are walking in your gift it will just flow... and right now few things are flowing for me which can only mean one thing: Something is clogging it up! Time for me to do some unclogging and uncluttering to get this flow going and hear from God.

Speak Life

What do you say to yourself in the mirror in the morning? "You look like crap!" "You need to pull it together."  What do you say to yourself as you are getting dressed? What do you say to your friends when they ask you how are you?What are you speaking over yourself? Whether in jest or in truth... What do you say?

I am NOT a rainbows and unicorns person, but I believe in positive energy regardless of spiritual or religious affiliation. When you feed into negativity you breed more of the same. When you speak ill over your life illness will manifest. Today, for some reason, negativity is cropping up in my mind and while my heart is saying it knows better, my mind is racing with all manner of thoughts that center on the negative. I just had life spoken into my situation by a friend that is so over me for today! But she still found it in her to speak life and not help or allow me to dwell on the downside.

Which brings me to what are your friends saying to you? When you talk about your current love interest or your ex how do they respond? Those around you may be speaking death if you are not careful. Jokes are fine, but at the core, what is there? Who are you allowing to speak to your situation? Negative Nancies and Bitter Bernards? or do you have a network of people who know how to be real, honest AND positive. The truth doesn't have to be covered in sugar OR sh*t (pardon my language). It can be done tactfully. If you ain't got that... How can you expect fruit?  Proverbs 18:21 says- "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof." I'll take the life fruit please & thanks!

You Ain't Foolin' Nobody

Phoniness is transparent. Some of us believe in fake it til you make it because it helps us get through our low points. However, if you do not acknowledge your lows, how can you appreciate your highs? No one does the right thing all the time and no one should expect to either. But, let's be real... constantly being cheerful on social media, smiling like you have to go #2 in all your photos and shoving your happiness down people's throat not only gets old, but it's fake. You know it & I know it. How do I know? Because I've been there. But what I learned was that those with a discerning spirit see right through it.

You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to be happy about where your life is right at this moment , you don't have to tell the world your every move to prove you are moving. I've seen people tweeting and posting about how happy they are with where they are, but will look you in your face and not speak even though they know you and see you on a regular basis. I've seen people who continuously talk about how comfortable they are in their own skin, but will roll their eyes at and make "jokes" about whatever positive thing someone else has going on that they are blatantly envious of. The more perfect you pretend to be, the more imperfect you seem to discerning spirits. The more holier-than-thou you appear to be, the more people around you await your downfall. You ain't foolin' nobody!

A few months ago, I had to look in the mirror and tell myself: "Quit it out, Boo, you ain't foolin' nobody!"

I had to be okay with not always making the right decisions. I had to be okay with not having to justify my bad decisions. I had to be okay with not appearing perfect. I gave myself permission to fall,  fail, and falter. I gave myself permission to mess up, misstep, and make mistakes. But I also gave myself permission to process, pray, and prepare. Why was I making mistakes? Why was I faltering? Because I viewed myself as more perfect than I was. I was misstepping and failing because I thought I was too good to... I thought God was too big in me to allow these things to happen. But finally, I got real and I gave myself permission to be human. I realized God does not expect me to be perfect.... he expects me to perfect who I am becoming. And perfecting is a never-ending process. There is ALWAYS room for improvement.

You won't ever be perfect. That's ok! What's not  ok is pretending to be. It is harmful to you and just plain annoying to everyone around you. Ask yourself why do you feel the need to be so perfect? Are you trying to impress the people? Or are you trying to convince them of something? Are you trying to convince yourself of something? Let that thing GOOOOOOOOOOO! It's okay... and frankly, it's not working!

I want to be abundantly clear. I'm not preaching... I'm talking to myself... out loud. The last time I did this, it helped some folks, so I chose to do it again. Therefore, if anything I've said here makes you feel some kind of way towards ME... it's probably time to go to the mirror and say those 4 magic words: You ain't foolin' nobody!

Transparency is a major part of clarity is a major part of trusting the process.

Trust the Process

I've been through some things, y'all!

My relationship of almost 3 years ended. And at that point I lost sight of a lot of things... BUT GOD!

If you don't want to be ministered to, stop reading RIGHT NOW, cuz I'm about to go IN!

I have suffered through depression, anxiety, serious self-doubt, and most of all negative thinking. That is the biggest problem most people have. Romans 12:2 (NIV) says: "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." I had to change my mind on some things in my life and about myself! I had to see some people for who they were and who I had pretended to be. I had to look at some situations through God's eyes and realize that there was a way. As I started taking the steps and making the sacrifices, things started happening that I could only say were God's hand. There may be some of you who feel stuck in a room that is your current situation. You have some things with you in that room that you carry around everyday. There is a way out, there's an open door. But fitting through that door may mean that you have to leave some things in that room. Some apprehensions, some activities, some time, some people. But what you must realize is that once you go through that open door, there is a HALLWAY of bigger, better doors that are WIDE OPEN!

photo from:  http://www.redbubble.com/people/jasonbakerphoto?ref=artist_title_name

You have to leave some things behind. It's NOT easy, but nothing simple ever is if you truly think about it. I am not just saying words to make you feel better, this is part of my testimony. I have been lower than low with no sight of how to get up. I have allowed people and situations to cloud my mind and distort what I know my God can do and who I have known my God to be. He has been a banker, a healer, a protector, and a deliverer in just a few short months. He has done things for me that takes YEARS for some people all because I shed some things & walked through that door. 

Lately, I have been battling with anxiety more than ever. I have doubted my own self-worth but most of all my worthiness of God's grace, mercy and love. I have strayed and wandered and wondered and prayed and strayed and wandered and wondered... you get where this is going. My anxiety began a terrible cycle. I had to get honest with God, myself, and those around me. No longer could I wear the mask of "Being ok" then go home to cry myself to sleep at night, go for days only eating once or twice because I was literally sick on my stomach from worry and doubt. I had to open my eyes and my heart and realize that I could not get through all of this on my own. I prayed for the right people to turn to and God shined a big bright spotlight. As they began praying for and with me and sharing their own testimonies, I started to shed more and more weights. My Asst. Pastor gave me this scripture (one I have known all too well over the past few months) that was already highlighted, bookmarked, AND annotated in my bible app- 

Philippians 4:6-8 (NIV)

"6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

It's amazing how you can read something, or hear something over and over and it impacts you, but only for a moment. Until one day, it rings truer than your own name. It gets in your spirit and your soul and your heart and your mind and takes up residence there, encompassing all you experience. 

I had someone whisper to me one Sunday after a particularly teary-eyed altar call: "Trust the process." Before that moment, I THOUGHT I was doing well in dealing with everything I had going on. God had been working some things and showing me things and I thought I was good. But I realized there was still doubt deep inside. I was uncertain not WHERE I was to go, but if I even WANTED to go there. That is a big deal for people to admit. Some of us KNOW what God can do and how he can get us there. Yet we want to do it our way, using our own map that is full of detours and pitfalls and layovers (and layunders... yeah I said it!) and roundabouts that we go around 4 & 5 times before we finally take our exit:

Hey kids, Big Ben... Parliament!

We put ourselves through so much and add extra, unnecessary miles to our journeys all because we don't know if we WANT to take the route layed out for us. We fear what it might take from us moreso than what it will give to us. We would rather trust the devil we know versus the God we don't know. (Let that marinate for a minute!!!) 

I'm gong to make this personal because as I write this, I am receiving clarity... none of this was mapped out I just decided to "Trust the process" this morning and all of this flowed from it! I was willing to remain in my sin, shame, anxiety, depression, stagnant place of complacency because it was familiar; I knew how to "be ok" with it. Even though I knew that God could take me out of it and I was praying to be rescued, I was afraid to walk through the door and be uncomfortable and have to get used to something new even though I was sure that this new thing would be better. How crazy is that? How many of us can honestly say that we are truly trusting the process? I'm still not there 100%, but it is getting easier everyday I take a step closer to that next door. In this time of uncertainty, God has allowed me to minister to others even as I am going through. It has, in return, built my trust of the process even more. 

I urge you all to trust the process. Whatever it may be in your life, take those faith steps and shed those things that are keeping you from getting to where God needs you to be. He needs you there. It's up to you how fast you get there. Just don't be afraid to go!

TRUST THE PROCESS!