Four Little Words

No four words can wreck a friendsjhip QUITE like "why don't you just..."

It is the gateway to judgey, unsolicited advice and the quickest way to let someone know you don't understand their situation. While you may think you are dispensing sage wisdom,  the receiver ain't  receiving. I knoww that when people start a statement like that, I instantly think: "Why don't YOU just shut your face!" Often times people just want to vent so the unsolicited advice isn't even necessary. And the term will likely do more harm than good.

If you feel there is something that just MUST be said, why don't you just rephrase it and save yourself a cold shoulder, a severe side eye in perpetuity or being sent straight to VM forever and ever AMEN.

Many  times  we fail to see that we are "at fault" not in what we say (because if we are all being honest, certain things must be said [I loves me a good paranthetical phrase, don't I?]) but in how and WHAT we say. Maintaining a healthy friendship is about finessin that thing and not coming from a place of harm.

Say WHAT!?!?!?

This blog is a BIT all over the place... but just rock with me, I promise it'll be worth it!

There are times in the process of getting to know someone where communication breaks down. Sometimes it's forgivable, overlookable. But sometimes it's a testament to how the person listens, processes and acts upon what you tell them. I have known many a man who will ask you one thing, receive the answer and then develop something in their heads that when it does not come out how they planned get upset with you. Here's my issue with that. Time and again when they asked me a question I answer THAT question without assumptions or anticipations. So when THAT question is more open-ended than it should be, please don't get upset with ME! Prime example:

Them: What are you doing later? 

Me: Nothing.

Them HOURS later: So where do you want to go for dinner?

Me: I made plans already.

When you make your intentions clear from the beginning, there is no room for misunderstanding. Even in cases where someone wanted to surprise me, there are ways to make sure I'm where you want/need me to be at the right time without saying "I have a surprise for you". It's all about how and what you communicate.

I am a woman who says what I mean and mean what I say. If you interpret it any differently than how I said it, that's totally on you. I choose my words carefully for this very reason. I was a Communications major, I have a way with words, I KNOW what I said. In order to deal with me one must understand this.

I'm not perfect, by any means. There is a song performed by Nina Simone that says:

Oh baby, I'm just human

Don't you know I have faults like anyone?

Sometimes I find myself alone regretting

Some little foolish thing, some simple thing that I've done

'Cause I'm just a soul whose intentions are good

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

I SOMETIMES make mistakes in my communication due to emotion, or sleepiness..... But, for the most part I mean every word I say and I expect you to understand that. I don't set out to make things difficult for anyone, contrary to popular belief. But I do expect someone to be able to process what I say the way I say it without inferences and interpretations. If you ask me what I like and I tell you, then you immediately decide to do the opposite, I'm not going to go along just to get along. I said what I said for a reason. I say it all the time, "I'm always right and I'm almost never wrong" so disputing me is futile. Whether that is a good stance to take or not, it simply means I stand by my words. I can give you flowery prose, or I can be so concise and blunt that you may get your feelings hurt; either way I pride myself on my ability to communicate well. If you don't respect and understand that, you don't respect or understand me.

I urge you all to take heed to this. As an adult, you know what you like, love, or are indifferent about. You know what is important to you, what you are proud of, what means the most. If someone does not appreciate it or at least respect those things, they just aren't for you. Don't be afraid to say what you mean. Too often we mince words to keep someone around, failing to realize that we are suppressing a part of ourselves to appease someone else. Many of us have done it for far too long and still come up empty. So why not speak your peace (yes PEACE, think about it!) and let things come together or fall apart based upon  your truths. You'll be happier in the end, I PROMISE!

Speak Life

What do you say to yourself in the mirror in the morning? "You look like crap!" "You need to pull it together."  What do you say to yourself as you are getting dressed? What do you say to your friends when they ask you how are you?What are you speaking over yourself? Whether in jest or in truth... What do you say?

I am NOT a rainbows and unicorns person, but I believe in positive energy regardless of spiritual or religious affiliation. When you feed into negativity you breed more of the same. When you speak ill over your life illness will manifest. Today, for some reason, negativity is cropping up in my mind and while my heart is saying it knows better, my mind is racing with all manner of thoughts that center on the negative. I just had life spoken into my situation by a friend that is so over me for today! But she still found it in her to speak life and not help or allow me to dwell on the downside.

Which brings me to what are your friends saying to you? When you talk about your current love interest or your ex how do they respond? Those around you may be speaking death if you are not careful. Jokes are fine, but at the core, what is there? Who are you allowing to speak to your situation? Negative Nancies and Bitter Bernards? or do you have a network of people who know how to be real, honest AND positive. The truth doesn't have to be covered in sugar OR sh*t (pardon my language). It can be done tactfully. If you ain't got that... How can you expect fruit?  Proverbs 18:21 says- "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof." I'll take the life fruit please & thanks!

Who's Zoomin' Who?

Have I already used this title before? If so, oh well...Here we go again...

Look folks, please stop letting your memory fool you & make a fool out of you. If everything you remember has you as the victim & everyone else as the antagonist. 9 times out of  7, you're lying to yourself. And everyone knows it but you. Just like you don't pull every door you come in contact with, sometimes you gotta push. Sometimes, in life you do the pushing and if you're a little more honest with yourself, you know when that is.

Long story short, there is someone that is mad at me for something that if they are honest with themselves they can't even pinpoint. As a matter of fact, there are a few people that "don't like me" but can't tell you one VALID thing I supposedly did to them. It's not that I am perfect but it's definitely that they are off-base and out of touch with reality.

One important thing my mama taught me was whenever something goes wrong, look at YOURSELF first. Unless there is clear & present evidence that someone did something to me, I try not to go around accusing anyone of purposely doing anything to me. How conceited can you be to think that people are constantly and unsolicitedly "doing something" to you? You ain't all that. So quit holding grudges over things that really don't matter & retelling tales where you're the SUPERhero. Why does any of that matter NOW? (present company included lol)

SO to answer the aforementioned title. You are zooming yourself.

For What It's Worth

Last night, I found out that someone I was possibly interested in was still married, but had been separated for a few years. Never before had the subject come up and I feel like had I not brought it up, he may have remained close, but distant and chosen "some other time" to tell me.

This isn't the first time, this has happened to me. Everyone has been lied to by omission. But wrong is wrong and I'm worth much more than that. It seems as though I have gone from one extreme to the other in my dating life and now, it's time to find a HAPPY medium. The key word here is not HAPPY, but medium. Defined as: Something, such as an intermediate course of action, that occupies a position or represents a condition midway between extremes.

This goes for friends & potential lovers. I have been stabbed in the back, lied to the face, and generally mistreated by people because I am so understanding. As a Christian, it is my duty to be this way; but as a human being, I can only take so much. So, I must balance my soul's destination, with my self-preservation. So simple, but not easy... nothing simple ever is, though, right?

I'm trying to find the balance between self-worth that's so high I am all uppity & snooty (like I used to be).... or lower than it should be that I continue to make excuses for people that really have NO excuse.

I'm seeking balance and clarity. I have been blessed with so much, too much to allow some people to continue to NOT appreciate my worth. *bangs gavel* Court is dismissed!

New York State of Mind

A few weeks ago, I made the decision to hop a bus to NYC for Fourth of July weekend. I knew several people in the area and decided to just go for it. If you don't know, I rolls dolo from state to state! Day trips to Philly, weekends in NYC... I feel it, I do it! My original plans didn't end up working out, but what DID happen was nothing short of AWESOME!

Friday:

I finally got my EVO! I was so excited I took the dumbest picture ever with it. SO dumb, I won't share it. But I looked like I was veddy happy to be here! lol

VEDDY HAPPY! J was looking at me like was crazy because i wouldn't put it down the WHOLE RIDE to the ERRO concert.

Oh yeah, I went to the Eric Roberson concert at the Birchmere and had a BALL. I could not have asked for a better experience. Great food, great drinks, great seats, great venue! So the weekend was already off to an AMAZING start! New techie toy, my R&B boo & good food... all I do is win! Afterwards, I came home & made sure I had everything I needed for my trip to NYC in the morning. Because I did NOT want to be unprepared!!

Saturday:

I got up overly early like a little kid on the first day of school. I puttered around the 7-11. I drove to my office building to park & had MORE time to kill, so I puttered around the CVS. As I was walking to the bus, a nice caucasian cab driver drove BACK around the block to give me a ride! This is surprising to me because i didn't even know there WERE caucasian cab drivers in DC anymore. He gave me a ride all of 7 blocks AND helped me with my bag. I get to the line for the bus & I am the 4th person in line. My "brother" was supposed to be meeting me there, but it turns out he was hungover & passed out (dern West Indians!). I get on the bus & prop myself up in the front seat @ the top! It was a great ride & a great view & a great time for me to play around with my camera. I took this picture as we were riding up NY Ave.

AWESOME, RIGHT!?!? RIIIIGHT!

I downloaded The Roots new album via wi-fi on my sessy phone! and I rode up the road playing with the apps and snapping a few pics along the way:

Bmore

Delaware

Jersey

NYC, baby!!

I took the PATH train all by my lonesome to Jersey City. Hit a quick wardrobe change & me & the boiz headed into NYC. We went to brunch @ Acme. it was a very odd place this is the ceiling fan:

The Sunoco sign was embedded in the ceiling & the fans actually ROTATED. HILARIOUS! But the whimsy ended there, cuz the food was SERIOUS!

I would like to introduce my breakfast from left to right starting at the top: country fried steak, eggs over medium, fried potatoes, CHEESE GRITS! *faints at the memory* AMAZING FOOD! I took to the NY streets on my full tummy with my boy W. He took me to his hang outs around the city which included traipsing through Noho:

This little guy was hanging out at 14th Street station with some friends!(or was it 14th Ave)

Highland Park:

This park used to be abandoned railroad tracks! How cool... In DC they would've turned it into some sort of money making venture! *rolling my eyes at Fenty*

Everyone was staring thru some apparatus at this building, I didn't get the whole story, I just took a pic!

this guys heels were practically BLEEDING! (on the right)

W looking off into the distance. That white building is AMAZING up close!

I thought the architecture and layout was nice!

You can see the metal from the train tracks!

You could see down onto the street.

It was hotter than JANUARY in sub-saharan Africa (nerd joke) so we didn't walk very far. But when we descended back to the street I saw this:

I had to have my MOMENT! and then I moved on down the street or I SURELY would have lost my mind & my savings in there!

Then we swung on the swings inthe West Village & we went to Magnolia Bakery. I wasn't that impressed but here is the line:

That's W there in the back of the line.

From there we went to the waterfront by Chelsea Pier and enjoyed the shade & pastries. There was a nice view and plenty of people watching:

Then we headed home, I passed OUT! And was awakened at 10 PM to play (and lose at) Wii! Great first day!

Sunday:
We milled around the house and decided that S was going to take me shopping & SHOP WE DID! I spent STOOPID money in the accessories store. Unfortunately, I have been sworn to gay secrecy so I can't take anyone to the store... (Sorry Mimi & J). I finally went to Crumbs Bakery in the Garment District. I had the Cosmo Cupcake & S had the Good Guy:

Vanilla cake tinted pink filled with strawberry buttercream frosting and topped with lime cream cheese frosting edged in pink sugar.

There were some mannequins that different designers had on display along the street:

I also had the pleasure of going to the well-organized & awesome 4-level Forever 21 in Times Square. But not before I got some great pics of the street scene:

HEY, how'd that picture get in there!

Sunday night, we watched the fireworks from a parking lot in Jersey City. I LOVED the ones that looked like purple flowers & the smiley faces made me giggle everytime! Afterwards, I went on a hotdate... oooo mindaybizness!

Monday:

I chilled out extra hard & packed to go home. I hung out with my girl from Paterson who I haven't seen since '99! Took a nap & woke up to realize I had a 1 AM bus ticket, not an 11 PM like I told her. So I had to hang out at Penn Station for a while after discovering the 11 PM was sold out! I made some friends at the bar @ TGIFriday's- taught some redfaced drunk dudes the term "cheap in the face". Then I made a friend at the KFC next door who apparently felt bad that I only ordered a chicken leg & gave me a 3 piece and a biscuit instead- he missed the Chalupa meal I was waiting on lol... FREE CHICKEN FO ME! I chatted on the phone with some of my night owl friends & then headed out into the heat to wait on the bus. Once on the bus, I passed out. I woke up briefly when we stopped in Philly & Bmore, but my eyes literally SLAMMED shut shortly thereafter.

Tuesday:

Once back on DC swampland, I stole a cab from a guy that was too busy yammering to get in the cab himself. Headed to my office building to grab my car & went home to sleep like a brick for 3 hours before heading back in to work.

Final Thoughts:

I could not have imagined a better time in NY & NJ. I want to tell my girl T, I love her & I am proud of the great mommy she has become while still being the same crazy chick I adored in undergrad. To my hot date, thank you for being so HILARIOUS and an all-around gentleman; I look forward to hanging out again. And last but certainly not least, S & W, I love you guys so much! W, I want my blazer back! I'll be back SOOOOON!

AND

bad grammar, but the sentiment is the same!

What Makes a Weekend Awesome?

I had a great weekend... What made it SO great?

1. Shopping in Georgetown on Friday!
2. Drinks and conversation on the waterfront!
3. Cuddling up with a GREAT book!
4. A GREAT conference call on Saturday morning!
5. AWESOME shopping finds & secret sale prices!
6. SANGING for 2 great church services without having to change shoes!
7. A productive meeting of the minds for an amazing venture!
8. A great movie & good conversation with a "man's man"!

Lemme break it down.

1. Friday I left work early to handle some biz & then met a friend in G'town for food & shopping. The food was good, the SECOND time. (I had to send my first plate back because it was ice cold *shudder*) Then, we sashayed thru the G'Town streets laughing & chatting as the 80 degree wind whipped around us.

2. We decided to go to Sequoia for a drink. the wind was WHIPPING, but it was so warm, we didn't care! We saw an AWESOME wedding shower/party. The bride & groom had on pink tuxedo tees. The groom's tee was couled with a seersucker jacket. It was AWESOMENESS! Then there was one guest that she & I kept sending the "look over here" vibe. He wasn't getting it. He was wearing a black shirt, tie & vest. and he was ADORABLE! Ah, well, he was probably a d-bag anyway.

3. For some reason last week, the book "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" kept popping into my head. NO idea why. I have never read it, didn't know who wrote it, or where I had heard of it. My girl wanted to go into the B&N on M Street to use the facilities and look for a book that was recommended to her. As we strolled through the fiction section randomly picking up books with interesting titles and reading the descriptions, we stopped at the end of one aisle and I happened to look to my right & there it was! The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Mila Kundera. I told my friend that that title kept popping in my head & then there it was. She remarked, you  HAVE to read it! I admitted I had NO idea what it was about. So I read the back & was IMMEDIATELY ready to sit right there in the store & read it. I handed it over to her & she said WE HAVE TO READ THIS! So we are. She is waaay ahead of me so I have GOT to get to reading today! I came home, EXHAUSTED, but determined to at least START the book. and now 9 pages in... I am way too emotionally involved in it & I LOVE THAT!

4. Saturday morning I was supposed to be on a conference call for a ministry at church. There only ened up being 4 people that called in. But we got alot accomplished & I "took minutes". I'm not great at it, but hey, I had to do what I had to do. There are some GREAT things on the horizon & I am excited & proud to be part of it!

5. Went to a not so local mall to find a pink shirt & possibly a red and or purple shoe. I found both a pink & purple shirt and some nice jeans that rang up cheaper than they said on the sale sign! We strolled through the shoe section and I remarked that the shoes were boring... until I beheld THIS SHOE!

HELLO GORGEOUS!

I asked for a 9, they didn't have it! But she brought me a 8.5 & 9.5 just to see. I tried on the 8.5 & it wasn't fitting properly. :-( I asked if she could find out who had a 9. She brought me back a list. The store closest to me had ONE 9 left. Then there was another with 2 pair & one that was FAR away with 3 pair. I was already prepared to spend a pretty penny on the shoes, but LOOK AT THEM! *drool drool drool* So I dropped my friend off & head straight to the store near me. When I walk in, I see a fuschia suede pair, but not the black leather. *sigh* I ask the salesperson if they have it in black in a 9. She checks, and they have do indeed have one pair in a 9. I try them on & it's as if I was stepping into heaven! I took them to the register all prepared to spend an insane amount of money (for ME anyways) on a great shoe. The salesperson informed me the shoe was ON SALE! *the crowd goes wild!* I proudly and happily pay the sale price and hurry home to try them on! I strutted around the house in them for about 20 minutes and tried them on with various outfit possibilities for church on Sunday! Afterwards, I laid in the bed basking in the glow of a great shopping day!

6. Our church has new monitors & cameras, so how the choir looks is important. We were told to "bring it" on Sunday. So I did. I played in makeup for a WHILE, finally getting a look I could live with & be proud of and headed out the door. I was so scared of messing up the heel of my shoe, I didn't even wear them INTO church. I carried them with me! When I got there I prayed that my feet would not be ABLAZE before offering and put the shoes on. The shoes lasted through BOTH services and well into the evening. As did the makeup! I feared my voice would give out because my section was outnumbered, but it didn't! The message was great & the spirit was high! Boom bang POW!

7. I stopped by to see a friend & run an errand then I headed to a meeting. At this meeting, some great things came together with some great minds. I am really excited about the possibilites and outcome. But I won't share it right now. :-)

8. I checked the mirror as I was leaving the meeting & my makeup was still jammin on the one. I wiggled my toes in my awesome shoes and they were still good to go. The sun was giving me energy & I wasn't ready to go home. I called up a friedn of mine and asked if he wanted to hang out. He said yes & we went to the movies to see "Date Night". FUNNY! Afterwards, we sat in the car and had a long discussion about men & women. And he thought he knew what I was going to say. He did not. He thought he knew how my close friends and I get down. He was wrong. He thought he had me pegged. NOPE!

I wish I could replay this weekend all over again, it was that super-duper! And i look forward to having several more weekends like it!

Disappointment

This morning I found out that a close male friend of mine was in a relationship. And under normal circumstances, I would be happy for him, congratualte him, ask questions about the girl, etc. But these circumstances were FAR from normal. See, this friend didn't call me all excited to tell me. Nor did he tell me when we talked just this weekend. This friend changed his relationship status on FB!

So I, of course, had to pull him to the side, via electronic message and express my EXTREME disappointment. Over the past year, he and I had become quite close. I held him in high esteem among my male friends. So for this to be how I found out left me absolutely crest-fallen. I was speaking to another male friend this morning about the term "disappointment" and how much DEEPER it is than getting upset or mad. Merriam-Webster defines the word "disappoint" as such: to fail to meet the expectation or hope of. Meaning I have placed my hope and expectations in you -something I do less and less to avoid EXACTLY this-  but you have not lived up to such. In essence, the trust has now been broken. That is harder to fix than just being mad or upset with someone, i have learned to get over those things quite easily.

What makes matters worse is that he said he started to tell me and couldn't. What or why he would think he couldn't tell me is BEYOND ME! I felt most betrayed because he knows that another one of my close friends had done a similar thing and how much that hurt me. Overall, if and when I do get over this disappointment... our friendship has been damaged and it won't get any harder and it' won't get and higher...

A disappointment.

Oh, you shouldn't have done,

You couldn't have done,

You wouldn't have done the things you did then...

But it won't get any harder,

And I hope you'll find your way again.

And it won't get any higher,

And it all boils down to what you did...

Image from: http://www.norcalblogs.com/bullfight/archives/disappointment.jpg