19 Days: How My Cable Box Outed My Depression

I started a blog weeks ago called Blogging from a Good Place.... and never completed it for, well reasons. May is Mental Health Awareness month and I am just acknowledging that I spent the first half of this month unaware of my mental health. *sigh*

I have fallen into the social media trap of making things look good. Even my sadness had hope. But that is not always the case. I was concerned about putting my anxiety on display for public consumption because I know there are people out there that would feed off of it. I realize that keeping that under wraps is inaunthentic and goes against who I want to believe I am and who I strive to be.
So, I will say this now. I have been having quite a battle with depression lately.

It was functional. If you weren't my mama or my closest friends you probably would not have known. I even tried to overlook it myself until one day about 2 weeks ago I sat down in my living room, turned on my tv and there it was staring me in my face, indisputable evidence of my depressed condition. My cable box has a power-save mode and when you turn it on, it tells you how long it's been in power-save mode. There it was on digital display, a numeric breakdown of how long I've been in this depression. 460+ hours.... That's 19 days. (full disclosure I was out of town a FEW of those days, but that was almost in the middle of those days, so it still counts... keep reading)

That's 19 days of me coming home, bypassing my living room and getting directly in the bed. That's 19 days of me laying in bed until it was time to be somewhere. That's 19 days of me not cooking dinner while watching DVR or TV or Netflix or listening to Pandora. That's 19 days of me convincing myself I was just exhausted and needed more rest. That's 19 days of a gray cloud in my home that I had convinced myself did not exist. I was still going out with friends and laughing and joking and fulfilling my duties at all of my jobs. But I was going to church on those Sundays and feeling so heavy and uncertain that people took notice. I thank God for those people who, at the time were upsetting me by constantly hugging me and asking if I was okay. Those people were a reminder that I was seen and I did not have to deal with this alone. I know that now, but then, I was annoyed!

I was also supposed to be in a new relationship (that's a story I may or may not ever tell here). But know that the way that relationship was going was a catalyst for this 19 days. Uncertainty, misunderstanding, poor communication and what boils down to emotional manipulation are not a great mix for newfound like.

So there I was on my couch a few weekends ago staring at my depression on digital display. I was thinking to myself, "Oh honey, no. This is not okay!" But it made sense. I was ignoring the signs and downplaying the symptoms and explaining away the cause. But my DVR was like, "Nah, girl, you need to see this."

Sometimes we can overlook depression because it's not manifesting physically. Because we can still wake up every morning and get dressed and put on make up and go out into the world, we think we're fine. Because we are only crying on Sunday and maybe for about 5 minutes on Thursday, we think we're fine. Because we still have an appetite and a desire to go out with our friends, we think we're fine. Because we still want to live life and be hopeful, we think we're fine. However, it's the little things that let you know you aren't as fine as you are convincing yourself you are. And you know you are convincing yourself because otherwise you wouldn't have been able to explain anything away because there would be nothing to explain.

Don't be fooled into thinking that depression (or a depressive episode) looks a certain way.

It's not always:

• laying in bed crying everyday- I only cried about 4 times over that 19 days and only twice did it occur in bed. 
• hiding from everyone and wanting to be alone- I was everywhere I was supposed to be and then some!
• leaving out of your house looking a mess- I was still out in these streets cute as ever... hair done, nails done, everything did! 

Sometimes it's:

• the constant feelings of fatigue- going from the front door to the bed everyday for 19 days. 
• persistent anxiety- I woke up almost every morning feeling nauseated, I even threw up a few times.
• being hard on yourself- I was blaming myself for any and everything that was going wrong personally and professionally.
• trouble focusing- my mind was much like my current Chrome browser, 20 tabs open at once. But my brain was clicking through them all in random order at random times!
• irritability- I was more agitated than usual, if you can believe that. I was ready to quit jobs and people. Full disclosure- I unfriended, unfollowed and muted several people during this time for various reasons.

These are just a few of the things I was experiencing and ignoring or suppressing or explaining away until my DVR called me out. I leaned on a few people to lift myself up: my mama, my God, my therapist, my girls, and my primary care physician. I'm still climbing out of the dimness that was threatening to turn into darkness. 

Pay attention to what your body is telling you. Pay attention to what the universe is telling you. Sometimes the message comes from the cable box!

I urge you to get the medication, get the therapy, get the hugs, get the sage, get the prayer, get the help! 

(side note: there was a graphic I found to go with this about Mental Health Awareness but there was a typo on it so I decided not to use it because, I don't play that! lol)

Still Tired!

Y'all I wanna cry!
via GIPHY

It's coming today, I can feel it.

Life just trudges along and sometimes it draaaaags you with it. All your worry and second-guessing and uncertainty and exhaustion. You have to just believe that it'll be all good in the end. But your plan isn't always God's plan and God's plan can seem convoluted just when you think you have it figured out.

Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." And I try to remember this as the pit of worry in my stomach seems to grow. They say you can't pray and worry, but they also know how difficult that is or they wouldn't have had to come up with the saying in the first place. I don't have no solutions, y'all! I'm in the thick of it and all I can do is keep going. I can't let it keep me down. I know that others are going through something similar.

Y"all keep going. Call your people. Seek wise counsel. Take a nap. Cry it out. Keep going!

Apologizin' is Hard to Do

The great Peter Cetera and David Foster penned a song for the band Chicago called "Hard to Say I'm Sorry" in which he expresses regret and promises to love, but admits it was hard for him to say those words. He even says that he really wants to say "I'm sorry". But he doesn't ever truly apologize.

When you say, "I'm sorry" to my friend's mom, she says, "Don't be sorry, be better." It may seem cold, but it's important to understand that an apology should ALWAYS come with a change in behavior. Otherwise, you're just sorry- in a pitiful state. An apology is an expression of regret.

Choose your words carefully. Saying "I apologize if"... is dismissive and shows you have little to no concern for the person's feelings. Saying "I apologize that"... demonstrates that you are aware that your actions had a negative impact on the person. Anita models a pretty good apology in her song "I Apologize". She says she is wrong, admits to being unkind and promises to do better in the future.

It is never easy to admit your wrongdoing. But it is freeing. It frees up your spirit and allows you to let go of the guilt you feel. That guilt that has you still torturing  the person you harmed by pretending nothing ever happened or that you were not to blame.

I have talked about apologies on an occasion or two because I want to believe that people will eventually understand that that hostility you feel toward certain people dissipates once you specifically acknowledge your wrongdoing and do what is necessary to make the necessary changes in you so that it does not happen again. Allowing your guilt to fester and turn into resentment for the person you harmed is not a healthy coping mechanism. DO THE WORK!

Image from: http://archive.lyza.com/2008/11/10/letterpress-i-apologize-cards/index.html

Black Woman Burn Out

I'm tired, y'all... I need a vacation.

from: http://clutchmagonline.com/2016/01/open-thread-do-you-ever-feel-tired-of-being-black/

I've been so busy doing so much for so long... I haven't even posted a new blog.

But I have got to get back to it. So here's my beef today. I am tired of feeling like I have to defend everything anti-Black & everything misogynistic & everything dumb, stupid, ignorant and majorly ridiculous. I am unable to sit idly by and watch foolishness occur aorund me, but then I run the risk of being the angry black woman.

It's exhausting and I'm frankly tired & getting burnt out! BURNT, you hear me?

With that being said, I am keeping my commitment to ME to keep blogging. But also I need a vacation, so that needs to happen sooner rather than later. With every news story about y'all president and every FB post referring to Black women as "females" (when based on context clues you KNOW they meant bitches), I grow more and more weary. But I cannot give up on helping the world be better one response, conversation, blog post at a time. I was told that some of my blog posts are out there but I'll be that because this is the world as I experience it.

Just know that for now, I will be taking it a lil bit easier because I'm tired.

In the meantime, check out my friend Cheryl Giscombe's work on this subject:

Don't Do This: Pro-Black Insomnia (or Too Woke)

Hey, y'all! Let me start this off by saying I don't cuss people out no more. (Thank God for Jesus!) These days I just hold up a mirror until they get mad at their own reflection. Therefore, if you feel called out by this post... *hands you a mirror*

Now, with that being said let me say this: Some of y'all are too woke! You are so woke and pro-black that you're anti-black. You want everything black to be perfect and blackity-black through and through. You were mad about Black Panther because a white man made money off of it despite much of it being filmed at Tyler Perry Studios. Why? When do you sleep? When do you take the time to enjoy things? I know some folks don't believe in the white man's Jesus. But whoever you believe in: Buddah, Allah, Horus, Confucius, Jah, the Flying Spaghetti Monster... I am sure that entity wants you to enjoy things, right? I am sure the creator wants you to actually enjoy creation sometimes, right? And not spend all day on the white man's social media platform barking at your own people and being a career-contrarian.

You have all these problems with all things black, but never any solutions other than support black business and uplift the black man. Nobody wants to buy your terrible mixtape, Lil Alleycat! Nobody wants to read your "urban lit" book with the errant apostrophe in the title, Dark Diva! And nobody wants to buy hotep wear from a man that constantly refers to women as females, Ronshonkalon the Gawd (we all know it's just a replacement for the b-word anyway, sir). What else you got? What else are you doing out in these pro-black streets to promote positivity? Between the time you get off work in the white man's office to go home to your apartment owned by a white property management company that you pay from a white-owned bank and lay down on your Ikea bed to watch the Jewish man's network tv (because you are too woke to ever sleep), what are you doing to really help uplift the community?

Folks swear they are oh so very woke. Their pro-black insomnia has them on the highest of alerts! Nothing is ever good enough. Constantly comparing anything black to something that is predominantly other. Never fully appreciating black excellence because, in their mind, it should always be better and it's not as good as this other thing. You sleepy, ain't you? Ungrateful, negative, exhausted and ornery from their unnecessary hyper-vigilance.

To those people I say: Get you some joy! But most importantly, take a nap!

Wakanda Forever!- A Black Panther List

First of all let me say now, this is NOT a think piece.... There are ENOUGH of those going around & frankly I'm over it. EVERYTHING is problematic if you use a comb with fine enough teeth. I'm not here for none of that though. I saw Black Panther 3 times- Thursday, Saturday and Monday! Each time I saw something different. This is my SHORT list of things I got from Black Panther.

1. I am a warrior! Every single black woman from Wakanda was made of tough stuff. Strong, intelligent, loyal, and baaaaaaaaaaaad than a mother!
   
2. Colonization adversely impacted my view of Africa. I have recently been planning a trip to Africa and thinking about how all those years of Feed the Children commercials and tales of corrupt leaders made me not want to step foot on the continent for fear of being haunted by the tragedy of it all.  Thanks to a better view outside of the premiere of this movie... see below!
3. I WILL go to Africa! See above. I have done my ancestry test and I'm ready to go visit my people.
4. Eric Stephens wasn't all the way right, but he also wasn't all the way wrong. I said this was not a thinkpiece so Imma skip all the toxic masculinity and problematic, misdirected anger and just say that his core idea wasn't off base. 
   
5. It is perfectly okay to choose NOT to be a the king's queen. And you do not have to change who you are. A man that loves and respects you will do so whether you choose to spend your life with him or not. Read that again.
6. If I were a Jabari woman, I would not come out of the mountains EVER! This might seem to contradict what I just said, but up there... that was logic. This is pure lust down here. I am a well-rounded woman of a certain age that knows what she like! I mean.... did you SEE them!??! 
   
7. Throwing your wig is a perfect distraction for an escape. Wigs get HOT! People need an escape plan. Throw the wig and run away. PROBLEMS SOLVED!
8. I AM A WARRIOR! No, really. Buzzfeed said so, LOOK: "You got: Okoye...You are a force to be reckoned with. Your sense of loyalty is incredibly strong, which is why people love to have you around. You may not have tons of friends, but those select few you are friends with you are FIERCELY loyal to. You're a natural-born leader and people often look to you for guidance." DASS ME!
   
9. I WILL gorilla grunt at people that I want to stop talking! First of all, stop saying they were barking. They were GORILLAS! I will now grunt at men when they get to mansplaining or talking that toxic masculinity bull!
10. TRUST A BLACK WOMAN! If you didn't get that message, then maybe you need to watch the movie 3 times like I did. 

WAKANDA FOREVER!

I have NO idea who designed this, but here is the link to the shirt: 

https://www.teepublic.com/t-shirt/2278697-wakanda-forever

The Unbearable Heaviness of Being Resonable

This is only partially political... but it will be brief.

I have said before I am pro-mind-your-business. In this current climate, people just want to be left alone. In particular, the people that are not harming anyone. But EVERY DAY, this administration seems to pick on another group minding their business and it's weighing on me.

I am a live and let live type of person. If what someone is doing isn't harming others, then do your thing. Those people include: the LGBTQAI community, women, and most of the immigrant community from Latinx countries. Those that actively oppose them and march or legislate against them, I cannot abide. Therefore, when you appear under one of my posts asking me to be reasonable about a group of people that become less and less reasonable in their actions every single day, I will say something.

Today, I respectfully asked someone not to defend those people on my page. They took a snarky approach to their response, a tone that this administration often takes with those being reasonable. To which, I informed them I was attempting to preserve our relationship. Why is the preservation my job?

I am tired of waking up each morning and feeling targeted by the highest office in the land. Each day there is a new message that I as a black woman am both garbage AND guardian; trash AND trendsetter; nothing and everything and I'm tired of it. I am tired of making a statement that is true for me and having someone debate me on my own experience. I am tired of being informed and silent while others are obtuse and loud. I am tired of being stifled and swagger-jacked.

I am tired and I just want people to be reasonable. If you can't be reasonable then, please be quiet because I've got some heavy lifting to do.

Who Do You Love? Are You For Sure?

People often confuse conceit and arrogance with love for self. I know I'm not perfect but I know that my love for myself and others is real, true and pure. When I love you there is nothing anyone can do about it, not even me. I love from a place I don't even understand all the time. But I allow love to lead me. 

Some people who have never understood love think it's a bad word that leads to ruin. They don't trust themselves to be in love and subsequently they don't allow themselves to love deeply. Most importantly, these people do not love themselves in a deep or meaningful way. If they did, they would not be so afraid of allowing someone to love them and vice versa. The insecurities about love that they project out into the world start with themselves according to the African Proverb.

For example, Musiq Soulchild's song "Teach Me How To Love" was filled with learned insecurities and misleading advice that he had internalized. 

• Never crying,
• working until you're tired
• shadowing feelings with pride
• never letting people think you care 
• lacking affection and an ability to express feelings. 

He laid out EVERYTHING he was doing wrong and still placed the burden of doing the work he needed to do to heal on her. Learning to love is an individual responsibility. People can tell you what they need from you but you still need to do the work to achieve their love. That works starts internally though. Many people are afraid to delve into the caverns of their own hearts and souls. If you don't want to go in there why do you think someone else does or should? I am saying all of this to say: do the damn work!

Do the soul-searching. Be honest. Stop fronting. But most importantly leave others out of it until you are at least partially there. For those that do not know what love is, 1 Corinthians 13 lays it all out.

DO THE WORK!

Don't Do This: Vegan Venom & White Wokeness Gone Wrong

HEY, y'all!

via GIPHY

I am a year older since the last time I blogged. I have celebrated my mama, my grandmama and myself since my last blog.  I've been up and down the mid-atlantic, but now I'm back. This one's a humorous one because I want y'all to know, I'm still funny, ok?  Enjoy this terrible tale of terrifying treachery....

So, I'm in between "thangs" right now. And in that interim I have been "giving a man a chance". This concept is drizzled in misogyny because it implies that in order for me to not be a cat lady, I should date all of the way outside my box. My box ain't small, I refer to myself as an Equal Opportunity Offender when it comes to the dating world. But mostly, I do it for the stories, though and THIS one is a doozie!

Let me set this up for you: I go through phases of indiscriminately swiping right on Tinder when I'm bored just to see who's feeling the girl. This explains how I ended up out for drinks with a white guy from around the way that recently cut off his locs.... *pauses for reactions* I know, RIGHT?!?!

He says we're meeting for drinks and conversation. Cool. I get there and he's tinier than I expected. That's fine, it's just drinks and conversation. We're drinking and he's not as funny as he thinks he is. So sometimes I give a polite laugh and sometimes I give a side eye. We talk about me and how I pretty much work my 2 jobs, go out to eat with my friends and go to church. Church was an issue for him. He was spiritual and not religious and a yogi and once strongly identified with rastafarianism... *pauses for reactions*  He sarcastically told me it sounded like I didn't do much. He had already told me he has never left the east coast, but he's been to Quebec though. Me, "oh, ok."

We talk about school and he tells me that college wasn't his thing. "They only teach you HIS-STORY! 100!", he said. Yes, y'all he actually said "100" he said it many, many, many times throughout. We talk about music and he tells me he listens to everything. I say I do too and I tell him I really love bluegrass. He's like "Is that like the blues? I listen to the blues." Me, "no." He then tells me he likes to listen to roots/culture music on vinyl. Whose roots and culture, dude? He was referring to reggae, y'all. *pauses for reactions*

The convo goes on and I start not caring. I was saying anything that came to my head and did not care about being polite because I was over it at this point. I was rolling my eyes at his ridiculousness. Somehow we got on the topic of food. This is when I found out he was vegan.

How did I find out? By super preachy announcement and a further condescending "explanation", of course. Me, "Don't start that vegan bullshyt." Him, "What bullshyt?" Then he launches into a one-sided debate with all the vegan buzzwords including: square vs. circular cells, mention of sentient creatures, and a declaration to never kill anything with 2 eyes. (yet he mentioned he definitely kills mosquitoes, flies, spiders and the like)  *pauses for reactions*

Then he goes on to talk about what part of my argument I should not bring up. Mind you, I stopped talking after he got super hype about his side. He begins to discuss the ills of corporate farms and "the man". He may not have said "the man", but by this point I was ready to go. He said, "I like debating, it's fun.100" Me, "This definitely isn't fun for me." The bill arrives and he looks at me and asks if I mind splitting the check. The check that came to $17 whole dollars! I started to pay the whole check and walk out, but I HATE when women do that just to prove they can. So I said, yes, placed my card on top of his $11 (which he said included his tip) and prayed the waiter came quickly.

I'm sitting there wishing I had stayed home and had a V-8, and that's when I notice it. Mr. Woke Vegan Rage Against Corporate Consumerism is wearing a jacket from The North Face and beef and broccoli Timberlands. *pauses for reaction* Y'all.... Y'all! 

The waiter comes back with my card, I sign and grab my coat. Outside he asks,  "where is your car?" I point across the street, he says, "oh,  mine is over there" and points in another direction. He leans in for a hug.................. I give him the Christian side hug and he walks off toward his car................. I walk to my car alone and as soon as I am inside safely, I unmatch with him.

It was just drinks and conversation but I don't have room for THAT level of hypocrisy in my life!

Lessons from the Pit: Bitter or Better?

During this morning's devotional time, I came across this gem:

 

From the devotional The Dream Centered Life by Luke Barnett

It got me to thinking how we fall into pits -because life, duh- and choose to stay there. They make the pit home. we choose not to learn how to get out of the pit and how to subsequently avoid the pit the next time. Folks get comfortable in the pit because they have been there so long struggling with how to get out. And don't you dare try to enter the pit with them or help them out! They live there now. I find this happens a lot in failed relationships and business ventures. These two things can elicit the same passion from us. We put all we know how into both things. The same longing for success that when they fail, can cause us to be inconsolable and so overwhelmed with the failure that the only lesson we think we learn is to never ever do that again in any way shape or form. 

I know far too many that fall into the pit and it makes them bitter. But they don't see it. They choose not to care about anything anymore.  They lose their compassion for others because they would rather forget those feelings they felt when they fell into the pit initially. They put their capacity to love another thing (person, place, idea) on ice because they want or need to appear tough. For whom? For what? Bitterness isn't always constantly ranting about how people didn't support your dreams. Bitterness can be as subtle as sabotaging another opportunity to invest your time, talent, and expertise elsewhere. Bitterness isn't always posts about not being a sucker for love ever again. It can be as subtle as shunning a relationship with a person you know loves you. Bitterness can became so much a fabric of our lives that we don't recognize it. We spend so much time in the pit that it looks and feels like home. We've decorated it, installed cable and changed our mailing address. We've tasted straight lemon juice so often that we think we prefer it to lemonade.

I now know more and more people that are opting to get out of the pit. Sometimes they do it alone, but it becomes much easier when you ask for help. See, we have lost our capacity to ask for help for so many reasons. Sometimes it's just because we don't know what help we need. Using the pit as a time for introspection and honesty is the only way to know for sure what you need to escape from it. Not everyone that walks by you in the pit is going to help you out. Some may join you, ignore you, or even convince you to stay. This is why how you use your time in the pit is so crucial. 

How did you get here?

How long do you plan to stay here?

How did you feel before this?

How do you feel now?

How do you want to feel after?

What can you do to get out in the safest way?

What healthy changes can you make once you are out?

Will you need help getting out of here?

Who can help you out of here?

These are just a few questions we can ask ourselves. 

Look around you, have you made the pit your home? It's never too late to escape. Forgive yourself for staying in your bitterness so long. But for goodness' sake, do the work to get out of the pit. You owe it to yourself to be better not bitter and avoid the same pitfall again.

 

I Resolve to Be Alright!

re·solve verb- to decide firmly on a course of action.

There will be no cliche "New year, New me!" here. This is a call to all of you who are feeling the pressure to change, to do more, to be bolder, to go to the gym 9 times a week. This is a call to you to rethink how you think of this new year. This new year is really just a continuation of last week. So breathe!

Think about all you were working on last year. Did you complete it? No? Well, keep going! Think about the changes you made last year. Were they working for you? Yes? Well, keep going!

I have seen people posting manifestos of all the things they vow to accomplish... all the pressures they place on themselves... all their business that they have made public to the social masses... all the things they may or (statistically speaking) may not achieve. 

This year I ask you to join me in holding one another accountable for one resolution and one resolution only. This year, I resolve to be alright! 

all right adjective- safe, well

This means check-in with you. Put less pressure on yourself to do and instead try to be! Be in the moment, be in the room, be in the now. It's good to have goals, it's great to have benchmarks, it's amazing to achieve things. But what good is any of it if you are frazzled and stretched to your limits once you arrive? They call it the grind for a reason! Because it will wear you down to a stump if you let it! So this year, make you the priority. By all means, push your limits and exceed your targets, but make sure you're alright when it's all said and done. You can check off all 75 resolutions and not have the energy to even appreciate it when you get there because you're exhausted, checked out or running on fumes. Take each day as it comes and don't get so bogged down in the tomorrow and the day after and the day after. It will all work out. Matthew 6:34 says: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

So, for today, resolve to be alright!

When Somebody Loves You Back

I'm finna be transparent as a MUGG!

I want love like an old school love song! Not just any love song, but  THIS LOVE SONG RIGHT HERE:


I have heard over and over again to find someone that loves you more. That thing is a recipe for failure. I have been the overlover and the overloved and it was never a good time! What must it be like "to be loved and be loved in return"? Equally-yoked? I have never experienced a 50-50 love. Does that even exist?

This world will make you feel like it doesn't! Little to no reciprocity seems to be the order of the day. Now, don't get me wrong, I love because I want to. I love because it's what I do! But overloving is bad for the heart, mind, body and soul.  Why am I working so hard for you and you are so indifferent? I'm old and I'm TIRED! Being overloved ended up making me feel guilty. Why wasn't I feeling this the way he was? I'm old and I'm TIRED! 40 may be the new 20, but I have had 20 extra years of being loved wrong (or at least in ways that did not satisfy me).

I have had great relationships and I have met amazing men, not one of them feels like the one that got away. Though there are several of them that would very likely say that they regret letting me go, if they were honest with themselves. But they aren't because many of them had issues with truly being honest with themselves.

I want someone to love me the way my friends love me and the way I love my friends. Flaws and all, no matter what, we not going anywhere! I have had conversations with my friends that would surely have broken up lesser friendships! But the way we love each other and trust one another and know that when we speak to one another it is out of love, we are able to accept what is being said to us and grow from it.

I want a love like that! This world has made people so fickle and inconsistent. It's made people unstable and apathetic. It's made people so disposable to one another. No one wants to give their all anymore because nobody wants their feelings hurt, or their business to end up as a FB post. No one wants to love anymore because nobody wants their heart toyed with, or to be subtweeted (subliminal tweets/posts that they know are directed to them) in the middle of the night. No one wants to be honest anymore because nobody wants to look like a sucker, or end up the subject of a viral screenshot.

I am honest, I am real, I am a giver, I am a sharer. I have walls up cuz I'm no dummy, but I am not afraid of love! BRING! IT! ON!

Changing Faces or Facing Changes

Life is going to move on around us whether we want it to or not. How you deal with it makes all the difference. Will you merely survive the change or will you thrive because of it?

I have gone through a few changes in the last year and I count them all joy! They were necessary to create in me a spirit of  "Yes, I can!" Some of these things I never imagined having to deal with and others were welcomed breaks from my norm. But all of them were a lesson.

The James Baldwin quote above has stuck with me for years. It used to be my email signature back in the hotmail days! But it is more relevant now than ever because I have come to realize that I have been changing faces for years! Not always, but often. 

If you are being put in a position to do something that you already know goes against who you are at your core, but you do it anyway because it will make things easier, then you're changing faces.

If you are in a "relationship" where your needs are evolving and the other person is satisfied with the way things are, but you refuse to settle for their love anymore so you walk away, then you are facing changes.

If you are being led in your spirit to take on a task you do not think you are capable of and you put the task off until you  think it is the right time, then you are changing faces.

If you know you have a testimony with details that may cause people to look at you funny but you know that it will set someone else free so you share it anyway, then you are facing changes.

If you force yourself to laugh in situations where you want to cry... changing faces.

If you let the tears flow in situations where you would force yourself to laugh... facing changes.

Embrace change, it is inevitable. But you don't have to move in the same direction. Changing faces is often a put-on. Changing faces is often a front and the inauthenticity of it will start to wear on you so quickly! Changing faces often won't let your spirit rest easy. Changing faces often feels like worry, regret, and a need to prove to everyone else  that we are ok. Changing faces is often reactive. It's a compromise of values because the group says so. It's a way to survive.

Facing change may mean you need to change direction from your peoples. Facing change may mean you need to have that conversation you have been dreading. Facing change may mean you need to seek a new path. Facing change is proactive. It's making a move before the tide sweeps you away. It's a connection to your spirit that you trust to move you in the best direction. It's a means of THRIVING and not merely surviving. 

Ask yourself are you changing faces or facing changes? Are you thriving or surviving?

Keeping it (Your) Light

Trigger Warning.... this is about assault, again.... *sigh*

This world will try to beat you down as a Black person. This world will try to tear you down as a woman. This world will try to destroy you as a Black woman.

Every single day there is a post or story or comment that reminds me, as a Black woman, that people do not care about me. There has been a constant onslaught of victim-blaming, cognitive dissonance and downright misogyny all through my timeline. It has begun to impact my female friends' well-being to the point of them having to log-off. With all of these sexual crimes being outed, there is a daily occurrence of trauma or trigger for some it seems.

So how do you keep your light? Honey, I don't know...

Bette Midler was able to ramble off her sexual assault at the hands of Geraldo Rivera as if it were no big deal! She laughed about it and moved on. This was assumedly because this was what she felt she needed to do to survive in show biz. 

I just casually confronted someone that has assaulted me on numerous occasions by aggressively hugging me and forcibly kissing me on the mouth and face. He stated that he did not realize he was making me uncomfortable despite me cringing each time he has hugged me because he always goes too far. He was on the internet boasting about how he has never made anyone uncomfortable or raped or assaulted any woman. I could have let him live, but instead I chose to bring to his attention that that was definitely not the case on a whim. I am not looking to press charges or anything like that, but I had to remove the burden of our interactions from my own shoulders and place it where it belonged. I had to lighten my load.

Talk to someone about what happened to you.

Pray.
Meditate.

Forgive.

Blog.

Reconcile.

Make jokes.

Press charges.

Think of healthy ways to relieve yourself of the burden that the patriarchy has forced you to carry while the man who assaulted/ harassed you lives his life freely or even toots his own assault-free horn all over the internet. 

Whatever you do, please, don't allow them to dim you! Protect your light!

(Un)Safe in His Arms

Trigger warning: Assault is discussed, though not  in detail....

As a woman, I already keep my head on swivel in public. Even when I appear to be way into my phone or deep into my music, I am aware of who is around me and my music is never too loud that I can't hear people talking to or about me. Why? Because men are dangerous. #Notallmen.... I know! I have been in 2 physical altercations in my adult life. Both of them were with men. Men in the club. One was a man that grabbed my butt and I grabbed his wrist TIGHTLY and would not let go. He tried to deny he touched me despite the fact I grabbed his hand as it was grabbing my butt. He attempted to further get violent with me and a male friend stepped between us.One was a man I denied a dance. He shoved me in the back and I turned around and shoved him in the chest. My lady friends came and got between us and told him he needed to go! 

I was assaulted by a boy in high school because he thought I was giving him mixed signals. This boy was my boyfriend. My boyfriend who knew I was younger than him and a virgin. My boyfriend who had shown no signs of aggression until that afternoon when he pushed me to the ground as I sat on the stairs in the school lobby. I had blocked it out for YEARS until I was triggered about 3 years ago and it all came flooding back to me.

In short, I rarely feel 100% safe around men, even men I know. With all that is coming out in the news about men in high positions doing terrible things to men and women that trusted them, more women are being triggered and realizing how unsafe they really are almost everywhere they go. 

Last week or so, the Black Twittersphere was all the way live with news that someone well known amongst them was a serial assaulter. Some people were shocked and others, not-so-much. The most disappointing thing about the revelation is that he appeared to have cultivated an inner-circle of well-respected men and women to give the appearance of being "safe". This was all by design it seems, based on the accounts of many victims of his.

This reminded me of one day when some of my lady friends were sitting around talking with a guy we knew and telling stories of guys we met that were out of pocket. The guy was AMAZED and asked us where we met "these dudes". My response was: "Standing next to you!" He didn't quite understand the concept. I explained to him women who trust a man will often trust the men with whom he associates. The assumption being this man we trust would not associate with someone who acts in this way. But now, I know that is not the case. Sometimes it is due to the offending party fostering a whole other identity with one group and committing his offenses just outside of that group. This often results in the fostered friendship circle saying: "He's never acted like that around me!" Sometimes it's because the offending party HAS done it around a friend and gone unchecked because your friend didn't "really know him like that" to say anything to him.

So what is a woman to do? TRUST. YOUR. GUT! If something does not feel right when you are around someone, go with that no matter what your friends say. I am always the person on the outside with the "uh-uh" face as everyone else is hugging certain people. Then weeks, months, years later people are like that guy is a mess and I'm just thinking: I KNEW IT! Remember earlier I said some folks were not surprised by the accusations? Those are mostly folks that trusted that discernment. 

You have to own your peace, y'all. This world is not going to give it to you. You have to trust in whomever or whatever you believe to keep you aware and safe. You have to trust yourself to know when something in the milk ain't clean. You have to be ok with being on the outs with folk. But also, you have to be gentle with yourself when you may not get it right and find out that someone you thought was safe or were told was safe is not.

Still In Recovery

Sometimes even after the doctor gives us the okay and we go back to our daily lives we think we are better, but something happens to remind us that we are still in recovery.

I went to homecoming this past weekend. Up until that point I was only wearing skirts, dresses or leggings. I wore jeans all weekend. These jeans hit me RIGHT at my incisions. My incisions got irritated and I ended up sore. I thought I had set myself back, but my surgeon assured me this was to be expected. He told me to limit my activity. AGAIN! UUUUUGH!

I had been feeling so much better that I forgot I was recovering. I had gotten to a place in my healing where I thought I was okay. But I was reminded that I was not completely healed. I needed more time. This perceived setback made me feel so WEAK! I was doing so well. I was doing better. Now I am here at square 2. 

Recovery takes time. Recovery has stages. Recovery requires diligence. Recovery sometimes ebbs and flows. There are times when I feel nothing. And there are times when I have a dull aching reminder that I am still healing. These are not setbacks, they are reminders. 

Be more gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal. When you get those reminders remember to take it slower, be more intentional in your recovery.... give yourself time to heal.

Healing When You're Hurting

So look, I've been recovering from an appendectomy. I need y'all to understand this. Something I never thought would impact me was bothering me so much, I had to have it removed immediately and spent a significant amount of time healing from it.  If you have been reading over the last month or so, you will know that this is a micro of the macro that has been my life recently. 

Here's what had happened: Friday, I thought I had gas. Saturday, I went to a football game, had a fish plate, attended an after party, party hopped with my sorors,  and went to dinner with a friend... with gas and a small pain in my side. Sunday, I woke up with a sharper pain and realized my high pain tolerance may have caused me to miss an important message my body was giving me. I posted about it on FB because that's just who I am as a person. Then, I commenced to tidying up my house and deciding my next course of action. The pain got my attention and my BFF came to my rescue. He took me to urgent care and they sent me to the emergency room after finding an issue with my bloodwork. I had only ONE symptom of appendicitis, so I wasn't certain what was causing the white blood count issue. After hours in the emergency waiting room, I finally get sent to the back. The emergency nurse was soooooooo annoying. She told me I should have come to the ER instead of going to urgent care. First of all, I thought it was bad gas, lady! I  just turned my head and closed my eyes because I felt that ringing in my ears that I get when I'm ready to blackout and curse someone out. My BFF came to the rescue (again) and gave her a half-hearted, "Ok, thanks." Then, as she is jamming a needle into my tiny veins for a 3rd time she sees me flinching and tearing up and asks me "What's wrong, you don't like IVs?" Y'ALL! I wanted to say, "Of course I do! Who doesn't!?!?" Instead, I closed my eyes and looked away, again. Who asks something like that? I know I said I have a high tolerance for pain, but something about the smooth insides of my precious forearms and my delicate, little veins meeting a long sharp needle that hurts more than almost anything. Mind you, this was the third try.

So long story short, I go to get the CT scan and it's appendicitis! I have surgery at 11 PM on Sunday and don't see my house again until 11 days later. In spite of bruising, infiltrated IVs causing me Popeye arm, and bad reactions to pain medications, I had an overall good experience in the hospital. My nurses and doc outside of the Emergency department were great. My people showed up for me in the best of ways. I got through it and 2 weeks later, I'm back at work a little sore, but much better.

The healing process was troubling because I do not like to ask for help. But what I learned is that when you are hurting and you let the right people know, they will show up for you in the ways you request. They asked me what I needed, I stated it and my friends provided. Some going above and beyond what I even asked of them. 

The lesson here is this: My body was telling me I was hurting, I ignored it until it was undeniable because I ain't no sucka, I'm tough, I'm resilient, I'm a soldier, I'm stubborn! This led to unexpected extraction of something that was of no use to me, but causing me pain nonetheless. In the process of healing from this, my friends reached out and I told them what I needed. They provided in the form of gifts, food, necessities and sometimes just company. I made my needs known, I got more than I even thought I needed and it made the healing much easier. I was forced to chill out and be outside of my comfort zone. Days later, I'm back to my routine still a little sore but definitely no longer in pain. 

So ask yourself: What is my body telling me? What do I need to have examined and extracted? Who can I call on to help me heal? Am I willing to rest and heal as long as it takes? 

Take care of yourself, stay in tune, call on your people, take your time healing!

Words from my problematic boo, John Mayer.

The Ending of a Thing

You learn a lot in endings, especially the end of friendships and relationships. I can admit that I have not acted with grace when things have ended in the past. But I can also admit that others have not either. Neither one of those things hurt me any less than the other. To know that someone you care about could cause you so much pain is just as jarring as causing pain to someone else.

But what people say in those moments of hurt and how they act thereafter speaks volumes. I can think of a time when I was literally crying on the floor begging someone not to go and they coolly walked away. I can also think of a time when I calmly stated my piece and the person chose the nuclear option. Sometimes a sincere and detailed apology can go a long way. Other times a cleansing conversation once you cool off helps put both people at ease. Then there are those times when the earth should definitely be scorched, the bridge burned, the door welded shut! Knowing when to employ those options is a true sign of emotional maturity.

There was an IG meme that I wanted to use here that said something like you learn a lot about a person by the way things end, or something of that nature. I cannot find it though. But I have found this to be true in how many things have ended friendships, relationships, partnerships, etc. When people are honest with themselves and each other, the ending of a thing can be so peaceful. But when one or both people are being dishonest... WHEW! That's when things get ill. Things occur like transferral of energy which is probably one of the most hurtful things you can do to someone (outside of physical harm) and it usually only makes the transferer feel better temporarily.

Hurt people hurt people. We've all been hurt, but hurting others won't help you heal. Healing is internal and it starts with truth. At the end of a thing, are you being true to and with yourself or are you solely seeking to harm someone else? I am all about being honest with self, first. My mother raised me to think what I could have done differently when conflict arises and that is how I approach most anything including endings. I try to do some serious soul-searching and set my boundaries beforehand. I don't always get it exactly right, but I try to do what's best. I am not always successful and it doesn't always go well, but I can sincerely say that the ending of a thing is me trying my best...

I thought that last statement was going to be the last statement, but I sought out a Word and came upon this. take from it what you will. Ecclesiastes 7:8-9 says:

8 the end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. 9 Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.  

Note: Excuse me if this seems disjointed but I am currently going through the process myself, but I hoped that by sharing this now, I could help others who I know are doing the same.

BE GOOD TO ONE ANOTHER, Y'ALL!

Breaking Before You're Broken

This place is overwhelming! By this place I mean the whole of everything, every place you live, work, drive by on the way to the grocery store, see on the news, hear about in other conversations. OVERWHELMING! 

What day do you do NOTHING? Do you have to plan it? I work 6 days a week. It used to be 7 until I made a conscious decision to take my Sundays back. I do NO work on Sundays. I don't think about work on Sundays, I don't run errands for work on Sundays. I go to church and I chills... but that's not enough. I am currently counting down the days before I hop a plane and get away from everyone and everything. 

I booked this trip on a whim a month ago not knowing that I would really REALLY neeeeeed it. Now, here I am moments from screaming at the top of my lungs and tearing at my hair and I'm ret to go!(ok, I'm not finna mess up all this wondrous natural hair I've been growing but I have definitely activated my 3 Seconds of Rage and screamed a lil bit)

Anyways, are you feeling at wit's end? Are you at the end of your rope and you really want to use those last few inches to strangle somebody? Go somewhere! Get out of your own head and your own home. When I was in school, I would take a daycation. I'd book a hotel at least 30 minutes away and ask for early check in and late check out... While I was there I would do what I WANTED. Sometimes that was nothing, sometimes that was designing something, writing out a plan, learning a new skill. But I would absolutely not think about responsibilities. 

I've been writing a lot about taking care of self because they drilled self-care into our heads in grad school. I realized I have not been doing a great job at it due to other obligations. Things will slowly break you down, if you let them. But you have got to be in tune enough to know when that time is coming. I thought about driving off TWICE last week and heading to the water, but I remembered I had a vacation coming! This was followed by a strange feeling,  it was the feeling of wanting to punch EVERYTHING in the face... my work computer, every piece of clothing in my closet, strangers in the grocery store, the ragweed in the air.... EVERYTHING!  So, I took the day off yesterday.... a pre-vacay of sorts.

So before you kick a koala or punt a puppy. GO SOMEWHERE! No excuses... drop the kids off, have a talk with your S.O. about the need for some ME time.... and take a day... for the betterment of yourself and society.

Reclaiming Your Power

Let me start by saying, I am talking to me and  you.... Consider this a collective pep talk.

Who are you? What defines you? What do you live for and what can you do without? Think about the things to which we give power in our lives: careers, relationships (familial, platonic and intimate), hobbies, volunteer work, frats and sororities. You may even want to make a list.

The things we put our thoughts, time and energy into are the things to which we give our power. 

Now, think about how much brain and soul space those things inhabit. What's on your mind when you wake up? What do you think about in those quiet moments? 

Next, consider how you feel when you think about those things. Which things bring you joy, peace, happiness, satisfaction? Which things lead  you to feel worry, stress, depression, unfulfillment?

Finally, truly think about what is worth fixing, mending, or doing better and what is better left alone. 

Does that change how you previously defined yourself? 

We oftentimes find ourselves stressing over things we cannot control and thereby giving those uncontrollable things our power and in turn allowing those things to control us and sometimes break us all of the way down. The simple things are not always easy and the easy things are not always simple. Simply letting go of the self-definitions that are causing us internal strife is hard work! But it's work that we must do in order to relieve those things of their power. It's much easier to not do the work required, but that often ends up unnecessarily complicating our lives at some point. 

If you were honest with yourself while reading this, you've got some reframing to do. Let's mend these broken places. We are allowing things to define us that are drawing negativity and we are much too fly for that! It's going to take some time, but even a small step is progress! 2 Timothy 1:7 says: For the spirit God has given us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

SO, GO TAKE YOUR POWER BACK!

pic from: https://lisagawlas.wordpress.com/2017/02/23/the-ego-the-master-of-matter/