Placeholders

Over the past few months, I've been dealing with some men ("some" meaning more than one but less than 10).  "Dealing with", not really dating... just kinda dealing... Men that I knew were too young, too immature,  too insecure, too used to drama, too busy, "not good enough" (THEIR words, not mine). After reading The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas, I know that there is not ONE person for everyone, but several if you are seeking someone to aid you in the building of God's kingdom. These men were not that. I am in the process of discovering who God would have me to be for Him to this world and these men had no clue. Not to down them, they had great hearts, and some even appeared to have a DESIRE to follow Matthew 6:33: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." which is the verse that the aforementioned book is based upon, however... they were simply PLACEHOLDERS.

placeholder

noun

1. a person authorized to act for another

In my mind, and at least once in my heart, I was giving these men authorization to act on behalf of  a man that better fit into my future. But in doing so, where was this man to go if someone was holding his place? This man may be ANY of the things that I mentioned above but if he is seeking the kingdom, it would look and feel differently to me. He may be younger but have an old soul... I have NO desire to have an argument about whether the original WILLY WONKA and the Chocolate Factory was better than Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with a man in his 20s who has only seen the latter! He may be insecure but  in seeking the kingdom he allows himself to love me and me to love him and his insecurities fade... I have NO desire to deal with someone teetering back and forth between no drama with me and known chaos with someone else. He may be busy, but in seeking the kingdom, he realizes that he can and will make time for a woman who is also seeking the kingdom with whom he can build. He may not be good enough, but in seeking the kingdom his actions (not plans, but deeds) have him on a path to becoming a better person, not for me, but for God. But if these other men are holding his place, how and where will he fit?

These placeholders were granted authority out of loneliness, from a place of almost giving up, with the thought that SOMETHING was better than NOTHING. Because I "was not ready for a real relationship" it was ok to have hemidemisemiquavers taking the place of a whole note... for those that don't know music, that's 1/64th of a whole... that's several notes that you have to use to equal a whole (iowno math)

From: http://www.learnclassicalguitar.com/

In some cases, I was the placeholder for them. I am a lot of things (some awesome, some good, some not so great), but I am NOT a placeholder. God knows I'm not perfect, but I am a woman that is seeking the kingdom. This morning on FB, my update from "God Wants You to Know" stated that "well done is always better than well-said". I talk a LOT but I try my best to make my words match up with my deeds and I am trying to make sure my deeds match my intentions in a way that impacts the kingdom positively. And for that reason, I know that I am not a placeholder. I am not a proxy, a  surrogate, a backup, a fill-in or a substitute. I am the original, the archetype, the model, the pattern, the paradigm. I must continue to see myself as such and act as such. 

Sure, I'm loud, a little raunchy, I have a sophomoric sense of humor, I still curse a little (ok sometimes a lot but not in front of children, pastors & old people anymore), I drink, I like a little ratchet music every now and then. But I am leaps and bounds away from where I used to be, how I used to be, what I used to be and WHY I used to be. I work regularly to do and be better and I cannot stand in place. I am not a placeholder for any man on this earth, God has given me the authority to overcome all the enemy's power and nothing will harm me (Luke 10:19). It may hurt for a moment but it will not harm me there is a huge difference.

I challenge you all to identify the placeholders in your life. Not just people but the things you have given the authority to act on behalf of something or someone else. I also challenge you to trust the process and step out of your placeholder position and take the authority to act on your OWN behalf. I pray that God allows us all to let go of placeholders and placeholdings so that we are free in his authority to seek him, trample the snakes and scorpions, and match our words to our deeds to our intentions to build His Kingdom. 

I Just Don't Wanna Be Lonely

Merriam-Webster defines lonely as follows:
Function: adjective
1 a : being without company : lone b : cut off from others : solitary

2 : not frequented by human beings : desolate

3 : sad from being alone : lonesome

4 : producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation

Loneliness is a scary feeling and I have wrestled with it time and again. Loneliness may have won the battle, but it never won the war. I have always gotten ME back. I am thankful to be able to be honest with MYSELF before all else.
But, what about those who can't or won't? Those that cannot look in the mirror and say: "I feel cut off from others. I am sad from being alone. I feel bleak and desolate." What becomes of the lonelyhearted? Simple answer, they remain lonely. No matter how much they wrap themselves in things or people or activites, inside they are still quite sad. I'm all for smiling when your heart is aching, but at some point you need to address the heartache. The answer won't be easy as nothing simple ever is. But introspection and true understanding of who you are and what makes you tick are the only way to solve the internal issue of loneliness.
Here's a hint though, another person is not the answer. Surrounding yourself with new friends, old friends, a new man or woman, an old flame will not take that loneliness away. You can convince yourself of this and sooner than later you will be surrounded by people and still lonely. Loneliness does not equal alone. You can be alone and have the time of your life, but you can also be surrounded by people and feel like the loneliest person on the planet.
Combating loneliness takes inner-strength.You have to be able to stand on your own two feet to fight it. And from what I have seen, some people just cannot. Because they refuse to believe they can or choose not to do so. It really hurts me to see it.
Millions of people have overcome circumstances, much worse and done much better! Why do you think you can't? Because you don't want to.  Too many times people try to play loneliness off as boredom, but in reality, when you do things to subside the boredom, you still feel sad deep down inside. Because you weren't really bored, you were lonely.
Loneliness can lead to poor decisions and acts of desperation that end up being detrimental in the end. To try and smother that lonely feeling you often scramble to "fix" a problem that only ends up agitating it more. The lesson in loneliness is learning to hear God's voice. The lesson in loneliness is understanding you and realizing that only you have what it takes to conquer this demon. The lesson in loneliness is honesty and self-confrontation. If you find yourself rely solely on other people to help you out of your loneliness, you have not learned your lesson and will only make yourself more lonely in the process. You and you alone are all you need to conquer loneliness. Not that you cannot or should not reach out to others, but you have to chose the RIGHT people to help you out. Honest people, trustworthy people, people with your best interest at heart... these are the people to reach out to for help. But you must be prepared within yourself to handle what it takes to overcome.
It seems some people just don't have it in them to stand before loneliness and win. Those are the people that will remain lonely because, no matter what, they will forever do and say things, put themselves in situations, and so on and so on... with just ONE outcome: loneliness.

If you don't want to be lonely, you must first be strong.