Placeholders

Over the past few months, I've been dealing with some men ("some" meaning more than one but less than 10).  "Dealing with", not really dating... just kinda dealing... Men that I knew were too young, too immature,  too insecure, too used to drama, too busy, "not good enough" (THEIR words, not mine). After reading The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas, I know that there is not ONE person for everyone, but several if you are seeking someone to aid you in the building of God's kingdom. These men were not that. I am in the process of discovering who God would have me to be for Him to this world and these men had no clue. Not to down them, they had great hearts, and some even appeared to have a DESIRE to follow Matthew 6:33: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." which is the verse that the aforementioned book is based upon, however... they were simply PLACEHOLDERS.

placeholder

noun

1. a person authorized to act for another

In my mind, and at least once in my heart, I was giving these men authorization to act on behalf of  a man that better fit into my future. But in doing so, where was this man to go if someone was holding his place? This man may be ANY of the things that I mentioned above but if he is seeking the kingdom, it would look and feel differently to me. He may be younger but have an old soul... I have NO desire to have an argument about whether the original WILLY WONKA and the Chocolate Factory was better than Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with a man in his 20s who has only seen the latter! He may be insecure but  in seeking the kingdom he allows himself to love me and me to love him and his insecurities fade... I have NO desire to deal with someone teetering back and forth between no drama with me and known chaos with someone else. He may be busy, but in seeking the kingdom, he realizes that he can and will make time for a woman who is also seeking the kingdom with whom he can build. He may not be good enough, but in seeking the kingdom his actions (not plans, but deeds) have him on a path to becoming a better person, not for me, but for God. But if these other men are holding his place, how and where will he fit?

These placeholders were granted authority out of loneliness, from a place of almost giving up, with the thought that SOMETHING was better than NOTHING. Because I "was not ready for a real relationship" it was ok to have hemidemisemiquavers taking the place of a whole note... for those that don't know music, that's 1/64th of a whole... that's several notes that you have to use to equal a whole (iowno math)

From: http://www.learnclassicalguitar.com/

In some cases, I was the placeholder for them. I am a lot of things (some awesome, some good, some not so great), but I am NOT a placeholder. God knows I'm not perfect, but I am a woman that is seeking the kingdom. This morning on FB, my update from "God Wants You to Know" stated that "well done is always better than well-said". I talk a LOT but I try my best to make my words match up with my deeds and I am trying to make sure my deeds match my intentions in a way that impacts the kingdom positively. And for that reason, I know that I am not a placeholder. I am not a proxy, a  surrogate, a backup, a fill-in or a substitute. I am the original, the archetype, the model, the pattern, the paradigm. I must continue to see myself as such and act as such. 

Sure, I'm loud, a little raunchy, I have a sophomoric sense of humor, I still curse a little (ok sometimes a lot but not in front of children, pastors & old people anymore), I drink, I like a little ratchet music every now and then. But I am leaps and bounds away from where I used to be, how I used to be, what I used to be and WHY I used to be. I work regularly to do and be better and I cannot stand in place. I am not a placeholder for any man on this earth, God has given me the authority to overcome all the enemy's power and nothing will harm me (Luke 10:19). It may hurt for a moment but it will not harm me there is a huge difference.

I challenge you all to identify the placeholders in your life. Not just people but the things you have given the authority to act on behalf of something or someone else. I also challenge you to trust the process and step out of your placeholder position and take the authority to act on your OWN behalf. I pray that God allows us all to let go of placeholders and placeholdings so that we are free in his authority to seek him, trample the snakes and scorpions, and match our words to our deeds to our intentions to build His Kingdom. 

It's Alright

Today, I feel like May Boatwright the emotional sister in "The Secret Life of Bees". I have been walking around with my face like this:

Alllll morning... seriously.

I feel very deeply for this world & our future. I can't help it. But what am I going to do about it? SOMETHING! I spoke to my mom this morning & she reminded me that FEELING this way means there is a calling on my life that I cannot ignore. Instead of using these things to depress me I need to use them as motivation. I am determined to do so.

Gospel music is great & ministers to me, but sometimes a well-worded R&B song can give you that good old, everyday joe perspective. Enter Ledisi:

This life can make me so confused but it's alright
Living day by day I feel so used. That ain't right
I just wanna run and hide
But I don't have the time to cry and it's alright

I have things on the horizon that I have the tools to tackle. And I have to get to it & through it. There's no other option but for forward movement. If I'm crying, I'm not trying. (Ijust made that up, but I like it!) As cathartic as tears can be, they are all for nothing if you don't DO something. So, I'm doing it. (repeats it over & over to myself to defeat the evil Fear Dragon that is trying to devour my confidence, hope AND motivation... he so greedyyyyyy!)

I always say things about people that complain & don't do. I am going to do. I have no choice, I can't keep crying. That doesn't bring about results. Please don't worry about me ending it all like May (if that was even your concern), I just have to press on & on & on.

I know that as long as I am persuing that which God has for me to do...

Everything is everything... it's ALRIGHT!

picture of Ledisi is from: http://www.neosoulville.com/

Why Are You Hollerin'?

Due to a poorly scheduled meeting, I missed President Obama's live speech last night, but I did happen to catch the highlights and that CLASSIC picture of Obama, Biden & Pelosi when their heads and eyes SHOT to the left (our right). Twitter was a-twitter with requests to flood Joe Wilson's phone lines, email and webpages. How ironic that his name is ACTUALLY Joe after the Republican's references to other ignoramuses named Joe; namely Joe Six-Pack and Joe the Plumber. But I just have one question for Joe Wilson: "Why are you HOLLERIN'?"

It made me think about those people that yell out at healthcare town hall with crazy, nonsensical, tourette's syndrome-like randomness. A friend told me about a town hall meeting her colleague attended. There was a man there that kept yelling out "DEREGULATE"! But when he was asked: "Deregulate what?", he just yelled it out again. Then there was the lady that actually stood up and yelled: "These people opt-out of health insurance and spend their money on flat screen tvs and tennis shoes." To which Mr. Deregulate chimes in: "AND MALT LIQUOR!" *falling out laughing* Sorry but that is funny, because it goes to show that those town hall hollerers are just.... blind with rage over IMAGINARY people. Who are these healthcare opt-outters that spend their healthcare money on malt liquor, shoes and televisions? I don't know these people and I assure you they don't either. HA! But you know who they THOUGHT they were referring to, riiiight?

But I digress... It has been said  that there is a time and place for everything but hollering is almost always WRONG! If you are having an intelligent debate with someone and that person started HOLLERIN, that person usually doesn't have anything else to say and begins HOLLERIN as a last resort. If you are in an argument with someone and that person starts HOLLERIN it's usually because that person is lying. So WHY in a situation where someone is trying to impart information to you in a LARGE group would you just start HOLLERIN? Why are you SO emotional at an INFORMATIONAL SESSION where decorum and respect are expected and observed that you just start HOLLERIN.

I am going to ruffle some feathers, but I know what it is. YOU MAAAAAAAGD! You are EMOTIONAL about the results of the election. And your "good face" cracked and the real you shone through at the MOST inopportune time. What a pity!

But Mister Wilson, why weren't you hollerin at W when he was lying about those WMD? Why weren't you MAAAAAAGD about him sending our children off to die? Why weren't you emotional that suddenly we weren't looking for Osama Bin Laden anymore? Oh no, you decide to holler about the less fortunate receiving healthcare! You decide to get MAAAAAAGD about helping someone that isn't part of your circle get the help they need! You decide to get emotional because you just don't WANT to work with the person in the place of authority! Instead you want your bill to just be accepted without incorporating any other ideas. But guess what, if your way had worked before, Mister Wilson, you would be in the majority or at least have some significant showing in Congress and you wouldn't have to resort to foolish frat boy tactics to get your way. This is reminscent of Revenge of the Nerds; the Tri-Lambs have finally won because people were tired of living under Alpha Beta's reign of terror and fear. HA!

There is a way to handle differences, but hollerin only makes people not listen or take you seriously. So congrats Mister Wilson, you have managed to earn a CRAZY amount of money for your opponent in South Carolina (and let's not even go into THAT states' history). You can apologize and give all the explanations you want, but the point is, healthcare had nothing to do with your outburst, sir, and we all know it. Be honest with yourself, is all I ask, because WE know...

P.S. why did the Republican party have to tell you that they wanted you to contact the White House & state that your statements were inappropriate? Why didn't you just KNOW better? huh? HUH?