Don't Do This- Detrimental Dating Decorum

Y'all! I went on a date Sunday with a dude that flew in from the midwest. When he first reached out to me online it said he was in Baltimore which was already a "maybe" for me because me & men from Baltimore just shouldn't, EVER!

I show his pic to a friend and she says she knows of him. She gives me his full name and I look him up on the 'Book and see that he is not in Baltimore at all. I ask my friend about it and she confirms he is not from Baltimore and even checks his page for me to see if he maybe moved or something. She tells me he seems cool, but that he has said things that may raise a yellow flag. I ask him about where he lives and he tells me he is actually in the midwest and I'm all, no thanks I don't do long distance. And he's all not respecting my wishes like: "I can fly to you!" (remember that, it's important). So, I give him my burner number, because safety. He texts and calls and I'm not really feeling any kind of way about him. He mentions coming to the area and I told him that I was leaving town for nearly a week that week. He says we can do dinner on that Sunday. I say okay and then totally forget until he tells me he landed. OOPSIE!

He asks me where I want to meet. I tell him and I guess he looked up the address and said that would work. He calls me just before we are supposed to meet and asks to push the time back an hour. The spot is right near me so I am fine with it and laze about in the bed for another 30 minutes. I get to the spot and I am seated already when he walks in. I knew he was a big guy, but his pics underrepresented his size. I'm not trying to fat shame so I'm going to leave it at that. The important thing is that his shirt was terribly wrinkled. He sits down and we start chatting and looking over the menu. This spot has typical restaurant fare as well as vegan and vegetarian options. He looks over the menu and asks: "What kind of place did you bring me to?" I looked at him with the WTH? face.

He is asking me if I'd been on any good dates. I tell him no and tell him about the dude that didn't order anything and laughed when the bill came and I asked if I was supposed to pay. But in the middle of the story, the waitress comes by and he interrupts me to flag her down. He asks her for cheese fries, y'all! This isn't TGI Friday or Chili's! There aren't any cheese fries on the menu. But he makes her bring him fries and cheese sauce without asking me if I wanted an appetizer. The waitress (who had the same name as me) looked at me and gave me the quick eyes wide look. I shot her a IDK face and she walked away to put in his order. He then turns to me and says "Sorry, go ahead. I just needed to order something to take the edge off." Y'all. Y'all!

During this time, I apologize profusely about using my phone and explain to him that I am the point of contact for the trip the next day and people are messaging me and texting me about it. That was false! I was giving my aforementioned friend a blow by blow because I was truly disturbed. So we continue talking and I ask him what brings him to the area. Mind you we had this discussion that I was not going to be in town that week. And he also said he had a cousin here or something. His reply this time was: "I came to see you." But I definitely asked him before he arrived why he was coming and that was not what he said the first time.  He followed up with: "Because I knew you weren't going to come see me." The snark in his voice almost flipped my bitch-switch. Remember when I told you that I already told him that I don't do long distance relationships and he walked right on around that? Yeah, so this hint of sarcasm in his reply was frustrating to say the least.

The waitress comes to take our order and I get the catfish. (See what I did there?) He says he'll have the same. The waitress then informs him that the catfish is not deep fried. She glances at me, I say I know. He is not pleased with that. He's all oh no no no, let me get a burger then. As he's looking at the burgers, the waitress describes the lamb burger to him as an option. He looks disgusted and says: "That must be some east coast stuff." I say: "Actually it's Mediterranean." He says: "That's even farther east!" The waitress gives me the "Oh, girl!" look. I look down at my phone. He orders a burger with pickles only and a side of mayo. Then he asks the waitress what sides they had. She runs through them and he asks about mashed potatoes and gravy. She tells him TWICE they don't have gravy. He then resigns himself to the idea of ordering more fries. At this point, he tells me about his adoration for potatoes and runs through a list of his faves like Bubba in Forrest Gump. (That part may not have actually happened like that, but by this time I felt like I was in a movie or on Punk'd or something, so my mind may have added that particular part to the story.) The food comes and his table manners are atrocious. I'm ready to go home, but that catfish was some kinda good.

The bill comes and I'm sitting there with my arms folded. He reads this as me hoping he pays the bill and jokes about it. In my head I'm like I spent 3 digits in a steakhouse on Friday just because, aint nobody worried about who finna pay for your cheese fries! He says something about me sending him an evaluation of the date because dating is his craft. SIR? SIR! Sir...... I groan out an "Oh, really?" That's when it happened.... He starts talking about women going into hiding and coming out around 40 trying to get married. I tell him that I was not hiding. He says you're not 40. I say I will be next year. He's confused because he thought I was younger. He says oh well, I know you are trying to have a baby REAL soon. Me: No, I'm not. I can't have children. *death stare* Him: what about adoption or in vitro? Y'all! I tell him I am not going to talk about this with you and tell him I am ready to leave. He offers to walk me to my car. As we are walking to my car he asks why I parked so far. Y'all, it was the actual parking lot for the restaurant. I chose to park there instead of on the street. As I am walking to the car, he cuts across the street instead of walking to the corner without telling me. I am standing at my car with my hand on the handle and he reaches in to awkwardly give me a hug. I get in the car and he walks off. I never bothered to correct him on his behavior because I could tell he was not the type to comprehend his shortcomings. (remember that, it's important)

I call my friend immediately and recount the date. She is horrified and apologetic because she thought his yellow flag posts were just to get people talking. But apparently he believes his own bull. As I am heading into the house my friend says: "Girl, he just posted about you!" and sends me this screenshot:

Y'ALL!
1- what "rule" is this???
B- How oblivious do you have to be to not think that your personality and decorum on the date was the catalyst and not some imaginary lack of manners?

She watched the post and sent me some replies for entertainment purposes. I really started to send the screenshot to him, but realized he was not worth it. She and another mutual friend tried to get him to self-reflect but he was not having it!

Then the next day he posts that he will soon be crowning the last woman standing. Whomever she is, God bless her because he is a PHILISTINE!

Superhero, Super Strength, Super Over It!

THANK YOU, Therese Patricia Okoumou!

In an era of thumb thugging and social media activism, Therese put her body on the line. She kicked the Abolish ICE protest up a notch on July 4th and thousands (probably millions) missed the point. People admonishing her for disrupting people's good time pretending that the Statue of Liberty was still the beacon of hope in the harbor it used to be. As it stands now, in this current state of America, Lady Liberty is a liar. People being separated from their children for seeking asylum. People being deported en masse. People who believed in the promise of the United States are having their beliefs shattered... natural born citizens included.

One African immigrant brought international attention to this. and for that she was both deified and vilified. And honestly, I am tired of it. Women of color have been stepping up to the plate, saying what needs to be said, doing what needs to be done and either left on a pedestal alone or knocked down, beaten and tossed under the bus by the very people for whom they were fighting (See Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and The Honorable Maxine Waters). I'm over it.

Throughout my life I have been the voice of what everyone was thinking. But time and again I was met with fake shock that I would say that and once I even remember a room full of people actually looking away when I said what we had already agreed needed to be said. I'm over it.

In the shadow of this event, a black male veteran of these United States chastised women for "being naked" in the midst of a heatwave with indexes upwards of 100 degrees. He basically said they deserved to be disrespected because apparently "being naked" in the midst of  a heatwave is an open invitation. In his mind, there is no weather warm enough to warrant bandeaus and booty shorts. Black women should use their super strength to bear the heat in more clothes and if they do not, they should use that super strength to defend themselves in the face of harassment because he was not coming to your rescue. this vet who fought for freedom made it clear it did not include the freedom to dress as you please and be able to do so without harassment. I'm over it.

As always, this is not what I intended to write on so this may be all over the place but let me say this:
Black women are not your superheroes. Black women are tired of saving your day, speaking your piece and being left to take the heat alone. Black women are tired of advocating for people's rights, taking stands against the system and being told we will not be protected. I'm over it.

Please note that Therese's protest was not a "planned" part of the Abolish ICE demonstration as the other protesters were quick to point out.... also, this is not Therese's first protest in the name of discrimination!

THANK YOU, Therese Patricia Okoumou!