The Year in Review (sorta)

So this is not something I planned or thought over before writing. It came to my head & now I am following my heart. I am going to try to get through this without getting weepy, mushy, sappy, etc. So here goes nothing...

I turned the big 3-0 this year and to be honest with you, I stopped "making plans" after college. I followed my heart & God's hand & let things be. Would I like to have been married by now? Sure. Would I have wanted to be elsewhere in my career? Of course. But this year I have learned to trust in the Lord with all mine heart. So I take solace in knowing that as long as I am making an effort, I am where I am supposed to be.

This year I have loved-n-lost and liked-n-left. I am usually pretty good at cutting ties. But there has been a line of communication or 2 that remains open for a good reason or another.  I have learned plenty and I have taught a lesson or two. Overall, I had a growing experience in the "romantical" relationship arena. I am thankful that my experiences have left me better, not bitter.

As far as friendships, I have an amazing and diverse group of friends that have helped me become a better friend to them through frankness and honesty and for that I am thankful. However, I have also been taught how NOT to be a friend. I have been lied to, lied on and talked about. And amazingly, I just laughed about it. I am still laughing about it because, I have found a peace that they don't have. I have tried to share it with them, but they either weren't accepting of it or they thought they had it all figured out. It is their soul, they can do with it as they see fit. *shrug* But I am thankful for clarity.

Then there was my family. My mother had an in-home accident that ended up changing everyone's life. While she is better, now... I spent the bulk of my summer balancing work, school, an internship and visits to the hospital. It was trying and tiring but with the help from my family, we all got through it. It made us all the more appreciative of each other. I am thankful to have had the support I needed and the support my mom needed.

I have had so many GREAT & awesome times from my birthday to R & B's Tour of DC. Finally my grandmother & mother's prayers have been answered and I found a church home. I am still just as vibrant and fun-loving as ever. But, I am also more focused, determined, confident and satisfied with my life. I don't party party party like I used to, but I still step out and have a ball. I don't drink drink drink like I used to, but I have been known to sip a glass of wine & get all warm & fuzzy. I don't date date date like I used to... hey who am I kidding I haven't had multiple dates in a matter of days in years! That got old QUICK, but even the chase, pursuit, catch and release has lost its luster for me. I am less apt to give out my number, or share more than a passing "hello" these days. I am happy with it just being me and patient, observant and in-tune enough to know when to give the green light. I have learned not to second guess my first instinct. Overall, this year, more than any year before, I can see growth in every area of my life.  For that I am TRULY thankful!

So, enough with the sippy sappy... I just had to get that out. Back to your regularly scheduled shenanigans!

GUEST BLOG: Lil Wayne's World- The Breakdown

I have an email crew (the EMC) and all day long we discuss the celeb romances, breakups, breakdowns, and so on. Well recently we were discussing Lil Wayne's "situation" and my sister, Erica, is a self-proclaimed Lil Wayne FANATIC so she decided to break it down for us. What she brought forth was riveting enough to be part of a VH1 documentary. (Please note I tried to edit out the strong language as to not offend anyone's sensibilities... if I missed a word, forgive me).

I'd Rather be Alone

Than be here unhappy...

Much against my better judgement I was listening to Michael Baisden and he was discussing being alone for the holidays. He made it seem like SUCH a bad thing or even a BIG DEAL. I was with someone last Christmas and it wasn't all'at. Despite the Christmas cheer & all that. It just wasn't what I needed it to be. I mean bless his heart, I am sure he tried... ok, maybe not. But, the point is, I wasn't diggin it. and if I had to choose between a replay of last holiday season & THIS holiday season, unattached... I'd prefer this holiday.

What I am not going to do is bash him but, all I'm saying is why is there SUCH a big deal made about being alone on the holidays? Sure I only have that ONE recent holiday relationship upon which I am basing my opinion, but the fact remains I am happy with the way things are. I'm not gonna cry under the mistltoe, or sob deeply while decorating my Christmas tree. It's not that serious to me.

For those that it IS that serious for, think about this: your last relationship, how did it end? Don't just think about the good times, think about the WHOLE thing; how things really were. Really focus on the entire time around the holidays, not just Christmas Eve, by the fire, playin Boyz II Men. And ask yourself do I miss EVERYTHING? or just that? If you have never been in a relationship around the holidays, then you aren't even missing anything but what you never had.

One holiday doesn't make me the Subject Matter Expert, but it's common sense to see that what you have before you is possibility and opportunity. Not loneliness & tears. Ther eis a reason things didn't work out with you and whomever and the sooner you are okay with that; the sooner you can begin to ENJOY your holidays!

When Somebody Loves You Back

A friend sent out an email today to all her single (read unmarried) friends. She was posed 3 questions by a male friend & asked us to answer them... Below are my answers. I didn't think about them for a while & then respond, I responded off the top of my head. Check it out...
_____________________________________________

How do I want to be loved?-
Unconditional love is a term that people made up in an effort to not have to feel guilty or apologize when they do something dumb. Sure we are all flawed, but no one is gonna stick around while you make out with your exboyfriend over and over or spend 4 nights a week in the strip club. NOw, with that said, I want to be loved by feeling taken care of. I have been taking care of myself for so long, I want to know how it feels to know that there is a MAN out there that is making sure I am taken care of. I am not saying he has to smother me or pay all the bills while I spend money on shoes & handbags. I mena in a more practical sense. If something is broken and I can't fix it, I want a man that can or knows who to call to fix it and takes care of it without me having to give it another though. My man needs to understand that love is in the details. Love is in the sum of all parts... sure you call me everyday, but what are you saying? Sure you bought me a gift, but did I have to tell you what I wanted or did you pay attention during our conversations and figure it out? I want to be loved like the SAT... don't GUESS... know that you know. If you don't know, STUDY! The more you guess and get it wrong, the lower your final score will be. But don't just ignore the parts you don't know... LEARN THEM. Love is hard work & I need the man that loves me to know that.

If a man wants to marry me, what do I expect him to do to get the two of us there?
 I need a plan of action, with more action than plan left. I need to know that WE won't have any pre-existing conditions with no progress being made to correct them. People are flawed, but for me that is not an excuse to be lazy, complacent, etc... I understand that there are women out there ready to get married & will say "YES" before the question is even finished. But the man that wants to marry me needs to know that I am not that woman. So the concept of wanting to marry me isn't enough. One thing I have learned is that men will SAY a whole lot, but until they start to do more, it is just words.

What do I know he would need to do for me to be happy?
 I need him do be reliable AND dependable. He would need to listen actively and most importantly understand my sense of humor. He would need to know how to lead and know when to allow me to lead and know when we need to walk side by side. My head hurts & my fingers ache so I will stop right there...

When Love Calls...

You better answer...

 Cause it might be a big mistake

If you decide to hesitate... -Atlantic Starr

For so many of my female friends, in this metropolis, love is a foreign concept. Partially because we are jaded and partially (read mostly) because what we have encountered in this area has fallen exceedingly short of what we would hope love would be. Believing the confessions of love when we knew better because true love escaped us for so long. Hemidemisemilove felt better than no love at all. Knowing that it wasn't 100, we journeyed forth in hopes that eventually he would mean it & show it & know it. We wait for his words to become real feelings which would become real action which would become real love. But in reality, we were waiting for the other shoe to drop and the semblance of something to turn to nothing.

So what happens one day when REAL Love calls and you don't even recognize the voice? Just out of the blue, in the middle of your crazy situation, love calls and it's requesting your attention. Do you answer or do you send it to voicemail? Do you put it on mega-hold while you bring your conversation with Hemidemisemilove to a close?

When Love calls is it an emergency? Can you call Love RIGHT back? Do you question Love's timing? If Love were to call you collect right now, how ready would you be to accept the charges?

If love were calling right now would you/could you answer? I surely can't answer it FOR you because honestly, I don't even know if I can answer the phone for myself...

The More Things Change

The more they... well, change. I went to my alma mater's homecoming this weekend and had an AMAZING TIME. While so many things were the same ole, same ole... alot of things had changed, DRASTICALLY!
In just one year, two of the most infamous dorms on campus had been torn down: the athletes' dorm & the boys' dorm. The cafeteria had been expanded and sexified! The tailgates had been moved AWAY from the stadium... BOOOO! The venue for the Alumni Cabaret had also been changed.

As i was there celebrating my school's centennial and my line's 10th anniversary, I thoroughly enjoyed myself, but at the same time, I realized that things were VERY DIFFERENT. Due to the dorms being torn down, the tailgates weren't close to the game & I therefore missed seeing ALOT of folks. Due to the Alumni Cabaret venue being changed, the space was MUCH larger and more difficult to navigate & I therefore missed seeing ALOT of people.

Of the people I DID see, things had chnaged with them as well.

• There was my girl that had moved into her HOUSE & was introducing me to her boyfriend for the first time, both things we had already discussed and we both knew were a long time coming. 
• There was the man that had offered to take care of me when I was unemployed & uncertain of my next move a few years ago. Who now has a girlfriend & a child. He was talking to me about how that would have been me & I was assuring him that I would NOT have been having his child... But he continued to talk about how he was all set to take care of "his baby", in this instance meaning ME. While THEN that would have been a good idea, I can't imagine being a kept woman NOW...
• There was the man that I took to be a complete fool in undergrad that is now a professor, and subsequently trying to hang out with me when he's in town (well that part hasn't changed AT ALL!)...
• And then there was the confession from one of my oldest male friends... It was a very mind-boggling experience, and one that I am still wrapping my mind around. I was going to discuss it here, but even I keep SOME things private... HA!

Overall, the weekend was eye-opening to see how some people and places and situations had evolved so much. And fascinating to see how some people and places and situations had barely made lateral moves. (I wonder if they ever told that girl that the bill collector was looking for her. *shrug*) It has given me lots to think about here at home. I have some decisions to make on how & what I need to change because change is necessary for growth, CLEARLY. There are situations that are calling out for change in my life & changes I need to make to the places I go, and people just BEGGING to have their statuses changed. What is it you need to change to facilitate growth in YOUR life?

Who Can I Run To?

This is yet ANOTHER blog about friendship. *sigh*

I, in NO WAY purport to being an expert on the subject, but over the years I have learned what a friend is and is not through my mistakes and through others' actions. So today when I came across an ongoing situation between a friend and one of her old friends I began to notice some people don't know who their REAL friends are.

I am not going to go into detail about the situation, but this old friend, we'll call Olivia to avoid confusion, has recently told my friend to burn the road up because she doesn't need her. Olivia has decided that her internet friends are her real friends because they encourage her shenanigans, put up with her foolishness (for their own entertainment), and tell her "yes" when they should say "AW HELLLLLLL NAW!" (sorry for the "bad" words, but seriously here...)

Social Networking sites have given the mentally unstable, lonely, bored, lost and turnT out- much like Olivia- low-self esteemers a place to run wild & free and congregate with others just like them or worse! Instead of it being a place to keep in touch with folks, it has made many people lose touch with reality.

So many people say the internet isn't real life... and to a certain degree I concur. But at the same time these are REAL people with whom we are dealing. When I start taking people or things TOO seriously, it's time to let it go. Nothing on the internet should be THAT serious. If it isn't worth handling in person, then it's not worth getting upset about over the net. But there are Olivias out there that use Twitter, MySpace, Facebook, etc. for validation and comfirmation.

The first place I go when I have a real life issue is to the Lord, then inside, then my friends and family. The first place OLIVIA goes is to Facebook. There is a diconnect here! is NOTHING private, sacred, or just too embarassing for you to discuss in the wide open like that? Not family, not children, not sex, not alcohol.... EVERYTHING is for public dissection and consumption. Eventually the lines begin to blur between right & wrong, good & bad, friends & foes, reality & fantasy. Eventually you begin to craft your own reality from your internet life and that NEW reality becomes all that matters.

What Olivia fails to realize is that when it ALL really falls down. My friend cannot and will not be there to help her put it back together like she has done before. This internet family that she has built up like a fortress to protect her from the miserable existance that is her true reality likely won't be there when she REALLY needs something. She is relying heavily on them to fill the empty space within her and THEY are relying heavily on her for entertainment. But she can't see it because, for now the attention is all she wants and craves. Reality has become too much for her and has since been replaced by internet life. As she stands there contemplating on the RIGHT thing to decide... her internet friends are leading her in the WRONG direction and her real friends are being kicked to the curb or in SOME cases abandoning a sinking ship!

So what is the moral of this "story"? The internet is a place where REAL people congregate, but it is NOT your REALITY. REAL friends aren't only there when you want to go out & have fun... or when you turn on your computer. They're there when you have no place else to go, no money to spend and nothing to celebrate. REAL friends don't agree with all of your ideas and co-sign & "like" every update. They tell you when you're wrong, advise you to make better decisions, tell you what you don't want to hear and ask you to have a seat when you're doing too much. REAL friends don't air their issues with you on social networking sites. They pull you to the side, call you on the phone, and sometimes they even let you make your own mistakes & look silly all by yourself. REAL friends help you fill that empty space PROPERLY.

I just hope that the next time Olivia needs someone to run to, she has at least one REAL friend left.