Friday, December 14

I hope you have a 401(k)/I'm in love with a stripper

Last night I did something I haven't done since about 2001/2002. I went to see the strippers for my girl's birthday.
Initially I was thinking, I'm not going to stay long because I'm so over my fanatical strip club days. And in many ways, I am. But, I ended up shutting the place down. This blog is going to be EVER so hypocritical, so be prepared.

SOOOOO, They are introducing the strippers as they stand there in their street clothes & I'm recalling a few things. First names- I was going to list them, but that is just too embarassing for me... lol, the first time they danced- Total Package & Divine, etc., etc. Then I am thinking about how I haven't seen these men in YEARS & some of them seemed old to me THEN. And apparently, last night, one or two men came out of the retirement... Perfect Gentleman, who I swear is in his 40s & SOS, who was about the dancingest man I have EVER seen (I mean with his clothes ON back when I used to party with the Ruff Ryders on Tuesday after the show @ the Classics *sigh*). The first stripper out was named The Rock & I looked up & it was Mr. Wiggles. He used to be known as just Wiggles too. I couldn't believe it.

It has been almost 7 years now & these men are still stripping. The longest I have ever kept a job was 4 years & that was the craziest 4 years of my life, I SWEAR! But that is neither here nor there. In the 4 years I was there, I had become fully vested in my 401(k). I wonder if some of these older gentlemen can say the same. I am NOT knocking them, because SOME of them are still good at what they do, but WOW! I used to have a girl that stripped, and she eventually gave up the pole, went to school & started doing other things. I am NOT knocking these dudes, I'm just curious about where my dollar bills are going.

NOW to the hypocrisy! It is much to my chagrin that I must admit that I have gone the way of one T-Pain. I am in love with a stripper. I was admiring the physical shape of many of these men last night & the faces of one or two. Then I looked up & noticed that SOMEONE had slipped in the door that was NOT announced in the beginning. Yes, MizLise, my favorite... THE SEXECUTIONER! He was formerly known as the Golden Boy & I remember when he changed his name. WOW!

This man is the prototype!(physically) Everything about him is AWESOME. And seeing him last night was RIDICULOUSLY exciting for me. Twanks turned around & asked me why he had a belt on with his jeans because that WAGON he was draggin wasn't ABOUT to let them pants fall down... we determined it was for decoration. I am sitting here now pausing & staring off into space as I fondly recall the flex of his bicep, the glisten of the oil on the small of his back... Hold on...


Mm mm MM mm mm.

aaaaand I'm back... He performed at my surprise 22nd birthday party & his body was amazing THEN. He's been drinkin milk! because his shoulders to waist to booty ratio is RITHICKULOUS! He made me remember why I used to pay his light bill, or his child support, or whatever my money went to back then. I am glad he is a stripper because if he was lookin like that & working in my office or was the repairman for Comcast or God forbid he was the police officer that showed up in my time of emergency when I was vulnerable & scared... I'd be a fool for him for sure. A straight SUKKA! His eyes, his NOSE (y'all know how I am about noses [some of y'all do!]), his lips, his smile... The PROTOTYPE!

Knowing that he is a stripper has saved me from myself... But should he retire from stripping some day... he need to call me! *faint* *wavin dollas*

Tuesday, December 11

Road Rage Confession

Yesterday was a fairly uneventful day at work. So uneventful, in fact, that I took lunch @ 2 PM & essentially signed out for the day. As I was driving home, a mere 2.5 blocks from my house, there was a school bus double parked in the right lane outside of an elementary school. I turn on my signal to get over & proceed into the open area in the left lane. That is when it happened... Some crazy ass woman sped up and began driving in the oncoming lane to prevent me from getting over. Her bumper was INCHES away from the front of my car. Everytime I would move up to get over she would move up. So I conceded to her and let her go & she didn't even have the balls to LOOK at me when she drove by. I am a strong believer in the idea that if you're gonna be a bitch, be an all out bitch... not a punk bitch. So, I followed her... Yes, I did.

I was 2.5 block from home and I followed this lady for miles... down Riggs, up East-West, onto University, she tried to give me the slip on Adelphi... I made all the lane changes she did & she thought she was getting away from me with her Camry XLE... Baby, I drive a V6. I believe she turned back onto Riggs at some point & then practically made a U turn to get on Powder Mill. She pulled into the parking lot of the Safeway @ Powder Mill & New Hampshire & I let her go.

At first I was enraged, then I thought it was funny. Because for that 15 minutes, she was scared out of her mind all because SHE wanted to DRIVE aggressively & ACT like a punk. All she had to do was let me over, that would have taken 5 seconds. Instead she drove thru DC, PG & Montgomery County at her wit's end! I didn't care, I had time on my hands. But I can only hope that she remembers that feeling the next time she thinks about doing some unnecessarily ignant shyt like that again!

I kind of wish that I had continued to follow her, just so I could see her reaction, but I was hungry & got bored after I was satisfied that I had scared her enough. If any of y'alls mamas, aunts, etc. drive a champagne Toyota Camry XLE with the plate number.... SIKE, I'm not gonna put that out there! But if you know this woman and you hear her say some lunatic followed her all over nothern PG & parts of Montgomery, CALL HER ASS OUT! She didn't have to do what she did...

To make matters worse I was listening to Praise 104 the whole time, but I turned it down when I was on the phone with Mimi.


Tuesday, November 27

Life is fleeting

If this touches you, the way it touched me while writing it, please pass it on...

When I turned on the news @ 5 AM, I heard that Sean Taylor had made SOME recovery. I listened to the various reports & I prayed he would recover. When I got to work this morning a little over an hour later, I heard that he had passed away. And it made me realize that LIFE IS FLEETING...

I have been suffering through an ordeal recently that to ME felt like my world was caving in. But, when I heard the news about Sean Taylor, it made me realize I'm alive, I'm here to live another day, I'm okay.

I'm not a Redskins fan, but I do follow the team and the players. I have come into contact with some of them while out and about and have discussions with my friends about their antics. But all of that means nothing now. A man lost his life defending his home... what the details are to the story don't matter because a man lost his life, a family lost their son, brother, uncle, nephew, FATHER...

Death can really minimize what you think is a problem. Death can make you see how truly selfish and self-centered you have been. Death shows you that we are all equal and a TRAGIC death, a homicide, truly puts things into perspective. One thing I learned is that Sean had become a different man in the time after his daughter's birth. No matter what he had done in the past, he was in the process of making his future bright. He had that taken away, but he left behind his positive changes.

I urge you all if you are holding a grudge against someone, call them and let it go. If someone is holding a grudge against you, FORGIVE them and let it go. If you haven't told someone you love them, tell them NOW! If you are ready to turn your life around, do it NOW!

The things that we think are so important and so vital to our lives, mean NOTHING! Focus on what is important, living and loving. Don't forget to live and love... I am talking to myself as well, as I have spent the last few days brooding and beating myself up over something that, in the long run, I was right about. I realize now with the news of Sean Taylor coming just one day after the details of the AIDS epidemic in this area, that life is all about doing what is right and best for you & living it to your full potential.

I end with 2 prayers, one for both Sean Taylor's family and his extended Redskins' family:

Dear God,
I ask that you bless and keep each and every person affected by this tragic death.
I pray that in this time of sorrow you will grant them all clarity and peace of mind, God.
Help them to know and understand that your plan is greater than they can see right now and that through it all you are the same God that has kept and will continue to keep them in their hour of need.

This second prayer is for those of us who are hurting in our lives and those of us who continue to hurt others:

Dear God,
I pray that all those who read this, all who have been hurt, all those who are hurting others are healed by these words, God.
I pray that those who have yet to see the err of their ways will be awakened on this day and receive your spirit of forgiveness.
I pray that those who have been hurt will realize on this day that they must forgive in order to receive all that you have in store for their lives.
I pray this prayer not just for others, but for me and my healing and the healing of those around me.
I know that those for whom I am praying feel forgiven on this day and realize that You are the ultimate forgiver.
Continue to bless and keep all those whose lives we have touched in some way and continue to bless them beyond measure so that they know that

You are God.

In closing, I leave you with this scripture whether you are Baptist, Buddhist, Muslim, etc. the message is still the same there is a higher power that you cannot deny.

"5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not to thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."
Proverbs 3:5-6

Be blessed,

Wednesday, October 31

What a Difference a Day Makes

I lost his smile for just a day...
I thought I lost his heart
I lost his sunshine for a day
I thought we'd fallen apart
I lost his attention for a day
And I thought that he had gone away
What courage and strength a day takes
What ample time for mistakes
What spells & voodoo a day breaks
What a difference a day makes

I only cared about me for a day
What had I done wrong or right
No thought to where he might be for a day
Whether he walked in the dark or the light
Focused on only me for a day
Worried that I had caused him to stray
What claims a conflicted heart stakes
What fears and anxieties a day wakes
What balm for imaginary heartaches
What a difference a day makes.

Twenty four hours ago,
I thought I'd lost my mind
Twenty for hours ago,
I didn't know what I would find
As the day went by
I had to try
To figure out why
Things went awry
Between he and I...
Twenty four hours ago
I thought it was done although
I did not think, I did not know
There was no place else he wanted to go

What a difference

Monday, October 29

Breakfast Butterflies

Almost every morning for about two weeks it seems I have had butterflies in my stomach. Butterflies that have only been relieved by one person. Who have I become?

I haven't been this worried about someone liking me since middle school. I had developed a "who cares" attitude for so long. I forgot what it was like to CARE! Now, I constantly hope this good feeling he gives me never goes away. I feel stupid for it because he's so far away.

I hadn't seen him in years, but when I did... I was drawn to him and since that day, I have had butterflies. Anxiety, worry, regret, tension, excitement... what is it? I don't know what to say or do about it.

I hope relief comes soon... I hope this weekend... I hope.

Thursday, October 25

Ciroc, I bid you ADIEU!

It is with a melancholy disposition and a heavy heart that I end my 4+ year with that sexy bottle of grapety goodness! Ciroc has been there through the good times and the bad! It has mingled with Ting on the sunny shores of Runaway Bay. It has fueled some of the best "family" dinner conversations (Shout out to the dysfunctional family dinner crew: Twanks, Faye, Tam, Scotty, Ra, Sam & Crown!). It has made my birthday both memorable & unmemorable as it erased my memory the next day. It has been the source of much controversy as empty-handed hoes would approach me & my infamous picnic purse looking for a taste of the smooooooooothness. It has clinked around in the purses of the girls on outlet shopping missions in outer reaches of Maryland & VA. It has counseled and consoled lovesick hearts. It has even taken part in the Twanks & Bri Virtual Slumber Party of '07.

As I think back to the bottle that we crushed in a matter of 30 minutes at Penang for Crown's birthday... just me, Twanks, RE, Ra & Crown, I smile & laugh at how that whole day went down in history: 3 parties, in 3 different parts of the metro (and not so metro) area. I think back to the pic of Ra flexing among a MYRIAD of emptied Ciroc bottles at Ra & Shawn's Bat Cave. And that crazy night @ Pearl where Scotty took a break from the mic to take a shot directly from the T's bottle.

I know you are wondering WHY was this drink so important. It was important because those you see named above are like a dysfunctional family & Ciroc has brought us together for some good good times.

Now I am sure you are wondering WHY I am bidding it a fond farewell. BECAUSE SEAN COMBS HAS DECIDED TO HELP MARKET THE BRAND! With a 50/50 share in the profits over several years, I'm not making that fool any richer with MY hard earned dollars. He is shady, shiesty & already way too rich to now want or need to get on the Ciroc bandwagon with the likes of MY broke (in comparison to him) ass. Just yesterday the girls were discussing how repulsed they are by his gallavanting about town schmoozing & boozing and showing off all the while leaving poor talented artists virtually penniless in his wake. And I open my beloved Express this morning & see his bucked grin holding MY BRAND. IS NOTHING SACRED? © T

I won't be one of those celebrity hangers-on that gleams proudly as some rapper talks about "When the Ciroc is in ya system..." Instead, I will stare blankly at the johnny-come-latelies cheering & holding up their glasses, proud to drink what Puffy drinks because Puffy drinks it & I will say "SHAME ON YOU"! Followers, sheep, WHORES! Willing to do whatever it takes to get close to a celeb.

Meanwhile, the family is on a mission to find a newer, better, smoother, growner & sexier vodka to take its place. To my homeboy Jimmy in NC, I apologize for exposing you to the beauty of a Ciroc buzz only to abandon it a month later. But know that this is all Puffy's fault. I promise you, when our search ends & we have officially found our new-new... I will not only call & let you know, I will personally drive a bottle down there to you if you can't find it at the ABC Store.

*sigh* Ciroc has fallen victim to hip-hop "culture" and will now be on the tables of perpetrating "ballers" fresh out of jail or off the corner. DAMN YOU, CIROC for selling out.

BTW, does anyone even DRINK Courvosier anymore??? UGH!

Thanks for the memories...

Monday, October 22

I have something to say!

I have 2 things I really want to get off my chest, but I can't. These things are probably the nearest & dearest issues to my heart right now. So, instead of spelling it ALLLLL out... I will just make 2 brief observations. I hope you understand.

The Thin Line Between Jealousy & Disappointment

When you see a woman you know being well taken care of by some man. You can't help but to be a little bit jealous especially when no one is taking care of you. Here you are working hard & providing for yourself. And then there is someone else that seems to be making all the wrong choices with unfaltering support from some man. All the while, you can't help but be disappointed in this person. How can you in good conscience be a kept woman & not want to do a thing for yourself? Their lack of motivation to get up get out & get something makes you feel like maybe YOU have it wrong & THEY have it right.

Somebody Else's Guy

When it comes to relationships, I am a STRONG believer in believing. When things are right, they just are. Conflicts are much easier to deal with and conversation flows like a stream... easy, quiet, tranquil, relaxing. When you envision the "one" you don't often see probation records, ex-wives, bad credit, baby mamas, living at home. When you envision the one, you don't think: "Oh he will have this obstacle I will have to overcome in order to be with him." Silly me, I want to be my husband's first wife and the first to bear his child (YES, I just said that, don't judge me!). But it seems like my dreams are just that, because when I awake, the reality is... more & more men have ex-wives, current wives, children. It leads me to wonder if those things on my IDEAL list are falling out of fashion & favor. Maybe I need to modify, or make exceptions... or not.

Tuesday, October 9

I HATE that I Love New York Too

*standing solemnly & introducing myself*
My name is Bri Cooley & I am an Urealaholic. I am currently actively DVRing 4 reality shows & anxiously awaiting the new season of Project Runway. Last night, I Love New York joined my DVR series recording list and is kept company by the "reality" shows America's Next Top Model, Hell's Kitchen, and Beauty and the Geek. All shows that use regular people, they have now started calling them unscripted shows because they have gotten MUCH less real & more ridiculous!

Speaking of MORE ridiculous, I watched ILNY2 in shock & awe last night as more men signed on to act the fool all in the name of 15 minutes of fame. I was disappointed, and attracted all at once... the paradox of life as a semi-socially concious Black woman & also a student of the human psyche. Whatever the dumb hoes real name is, Tiffany something or other & her "mother" (who ALMOST looked female last night [not to be confused with feminine]) were all dressed up with no place to hoe last night. There were a few viable options, let's review, shall we?

- Wolf... This isn't a great picture of him, but his introduction to NY was about the size of his member... Based on what I have HEARD about skinny men, he may not be lying...

- It.. again NOT a great picture, but he is tall, handsome, pretty lips, kinda thick and DUMB as a box of rocks... I'm SOLD!

- Midget Mac... he had more swagger than anyone in the house. Mimi & I were drawn to him. He's a keeper!

- Pretty... YES LAWD! I SAY YES LAWD! I hope this appearance doesn't affect his legal career, but I am so SO glad he was chosen. Mm mm mmmmmmmm!

Let me just say that New York is as fake as they come. She delivers her lines like SHE can't even believe them... always semi-smiling & looking like a muppet...

The low lights of the night were:

* NY's "mother" SCREAMING when she saw Midget Mac, bych grow up!
* TailorMade paying people BIG money to spend time with NY
* It kissing and licking on NY's shoulder... this made me feel some kind of way... woooooow!
* Ma'Ma' (ManMan) & Milliown arguing over absolutely nothing for MINUTES upon minutes!
* Champion leaving with NY's "mother"
* NY's "mother" looking almmost like a female human life form

I also watched the Hip Hop Dishonors, but I left my notes @ home so you will get my FULL review this evening... and I will warn you I MISSED Lupe's FIASCO because I fell asleep for part of it & then switched to BOONDOCKS for the last part. BUT I did see Whodini's old asses out ther doing it up... That one dude hasn't aged much at all, with his dancing self!


Friday, October 5

More Words I Wish I had Written

Just read it!

Crush- Zhane
I needed sunshine in my days
Something to wash away the pain
I saw a very gentle side of him
That took my heart and made it sing
I wish he'd run away and hide with me
Love hurts so much more than it seems
There was one thing I didn't show
I love him and he doesn't know

I wonder if I ever see the day
Will I ever find the nerve to say
I love you
And will he turn around, walk away
Will he leave or will he stay
If I tell him

Could he be the one who was in my dreams
Could he be the one sent down for me
There was one thing I failed to show,
I love him and he doesn't know

Have you ever loved somebody
Secretly loved somebody who didn't know
Have you fell in love with somebody
Deeply loved somebody who didn't know

I love him and he doesn't know me
I love him and he doesn't know
There was one thing I didn't show, babe
I love him and he doesn't know

There is the fantasy, the reality & the emotion... All there & all real in her mind and I don't know if sometimes it's better to keep it there because the reality can be something you would rather not face.

Wednesday, October 3

"A Little Romance... just a little bit says..."


I logged onto my BELOVED Google Talk this AM to find one of my boys had a very abrasive status message: So you've never been romanced, and now I'm suppsoed to be prince charming??? O.....KKKKKk..:-/

I had no choice but to confront him. Especially since a few of my closest friends, male AND female, are in relationships that lack that one little thing. What happened to the good old days when romance wasn't something you had to do, it was just something that you just did. Now, it is such a CHORE... calling to say hello on a day you were supposed to be busy, picking up some flowers on the way over, surprising them with lunch at work when you are in the area. These things should be easy because it's not about being lovey dovey, it's about showing someone they are cared about & appreciated. This goes for both sexes.

So before I totally went off, I asked him to explain his message. He says that he and a friend were discussing how she now wants/needs some romance in her life. And he can't seem to understand how at 27 she is just discovering that. My response was, I know 27 year old males that still don't know what romance IS, so she may have always known this was what she wanted but had been forced to abandon the idea because no one she had been attracted to thus far knew what it was. I suggested that she was telling him what she wanted & if he chose to proceed without acknowledging that or making some attempt at such he was doing them both a disservice because that is how she ended up romanceless thus far.

I let him know I was not appreciative of the tone of his message as if romance was a foreign, outdated, or despicable concept. He says because he is in a mood at present, he just wasn't feeling it, but that he may consider it. It's strange because, if this were a woman explaining this to a man she would be considered bitter. But what is it called when the tables are turned?

I suggested he get himself together and stop taking his issues out on innocent people via Google Talk. His replacement message was a little more self-actualizing, but still had a hint of lemon. I hope he works whatever it is out and stops forcing me to get all worked up so damn early in the morning! He got my pressure up I need to go eat a banana!

Wednesday, September 26

Bill O'Reilly Watches Too Much BET!

It is apparent to me that not only do young, black teenagers watch too much BET, Bill O'Reilly does too!

He went to dinner with Al Sharpton in Harlem at Sylvia's and was surprised that it was exactly the same as eating in any other restaurant in NYC. He said, and I quote: "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea.' "
Why WOULD there be, Bill? Is that how they acted in CB4? Is that what you saw in I'm Gonna Git You Sucka!? Stop watching so much BET, Bill.

Living in a metropolitan area that has a LARGE Black population, I KNOW that some of us can be ignorant & outspoken, but that is with any group. It just seems that because ignorance is what is portrayed on tv, SOME people take it as truth and others perpetuate it.

I want people to stop making this a racist issue though. It is not racist of him, if nothing else take it as a compliment that HE was ignorant enough to believe what he saw on BET and had his perspective changed by the Black people I know that go out to eat & have a good time without any "craziness".

CBS News reported: O'Reilly contrasted his experience at the restaurant with the image "white America" has of a black culture "dominated by Twista, Ludacris and Snoop Dogg."

I want Bill O'Reilly to step out of his white bread box & realize that what you see on tv is not how everyday middle class Black Americans live. I certainly don't have rims on MY car, or large jewelry. I own my home & have a degree. When I go out to the CLUB, I may act a LITTLE like I am in a Luda video once I get some Ciroc in my system & my DJ plays my tune, but on a MUCH smaller scale. But this is not how I act in a restaurant, the grocery store or the mall. I know right from wrong & appropriate from inappropriate.

My point is, Bill O'Reilly clearly doesn't have much experience with Black people who aren't famous or infamous. His scope of Black people seems to consist of Luda, Twista, Al Sharpton & Jesse Jackson. All four are extremes on VERY different spectrums. All four people I do NOT know. He seems to only know what BET shows him. I want to say to Mr. O'Reilly as much as you talk about how the media tries to spin things, you should know not to fall victim to what you see on television. Not every black person is Ludacris, hell CHRIS BRIDGES isn't even Ludacris!

The people I know don't end up on the news or in the headlines because we are just regular old working middle class Americans trying to EARN a living & not rock the boat. I'm an upstanding citizen just like you Mr. O'Reilly, so please stop being so surprised that I conduct myself in a manner similar if not superior to you in my daily dealings.

Now if you don't mind, I am going to get myself some M-Fing SWEET TEA!(not iced tea)


Wednesday, September 19

What About Your Friends?

Recently people have come to me with tales of friendship issues that would make anyone shudder. Misplaced priorities, lying, selfishness all at levels above and beyond my comprehension. These people are all just regular joes, with nothing about them that screams: "I deserve to be mistreated...", yet they were. Totally out of the blue and unannounced these people have had their friendships, shredded to little pieces & discarded in some of the most disrespectful of ways.

No one is perfect & everyone has done something they regret to someone, and people know that it was a one time thing, a simple misunderstanding or lapse in judgment. But some things are just WHO people are and TRUE testaments to their character. There comes a point in time when you have to really decide if friendships are worth salvaging and when you take inventory of the friendship you realize there is more trash than treasure. When it comes down to it, you want a friend that respects your space, your time, and your feelings. You sometimes need them to be ride or die & some people are just not capable of doing so. You sometimes need them to reign you in & some people need more reigning than you have rope for.

I am going to regret even mentioning this name here, but OJ Simpson is a PRIME example. Who are these friends of his? Who are these people that are NOT discouraging his hair-brained schemes & supporting his plans whole-heartedly. There is ride or die & there is ride or DUMB! Regardless of WHAT happened in that room in Vegas, OJ & his friends did something DUMB! Guns or no guns, invited or uninvited, set up or happenstance... one thing cannot be refuted, something DUMB happened! And no one said to the other, maybe this isn't such a good idea. No one considered the consequences their actions would have on themselves.

All it takes sometimes is a LITTLE forethought. Friendship is about thinking of the GROUP. It involves being concerned about not JUST you. What I have been confronted with this week has been on BOTH sides of the spectrum... you have the severely selfish friends & the blindly selfless friends.
As for our dear, best good friend Orenthal, maybe jail is just the thing he needs to EVALUATE his life & find balance. And his so-called friends, need an intervention... could they have been THAT desperate for money & fame?

Life is about balance as are friendships... finding that medium. The balance is not the same in EVERY life or friendship. And if you find it hard to maintain that balance with someONE, maybe it's not YOUR fault. If you find it hard to maintain that balance with EVERYone, it probably IS your fault.


Tuesday, September 18

One of the Boys, Once Again

This weekend I travelled to NC to perform with my improv group in a ComedySports type competition. And on a whim I text my boy Jay the week before to ask if I could stay with him. He obliged. I kinda stood Jay up the last time I was in NC & hadn't really seen him in years! He had recently purchased a townhouse & I was really excited to see it. It just so happens that the planets aligned in a special way this weekend, because my bff (who I seriously thought had fallen from the face of the earth) decided he too was going to come to town. Needless to say, it was like old times.

They were drinking, I was laughing at them drinking because I had gotten food poisoning from MIAMI SUBS! So my stomach was on E most of the weekend. But being there with them made it ok. There were two other guys there from our college days. One of whom remembered I was one of the boys, one of whom seemed shocked by it.

All in all, I really missed them & I really am glad that I got the chance to be part of such a rare occurrence. I am trying to convince them we should all do it again for homecoming, but that is going to take some doing.

Jay & "Burger" (lol) I love y'all SO MUCH!! WOW, I almost forgot what it felt like to be around good dudes that are also friends! It makes me remember that there are still some good Black men out there that are actually educated AND attractive! WOW!

I felt good until, I got home & realized I was MILES away from them. Despite cell phones & email & IM nothing beat being there being one of the boys, once again.

Wednesday, September 12

The Layman's Kanye

I have a friend, that is really and truly born under the same moon as Kanye West. Kanye West is infamous for handling his "issues" like a toddler. I call them "issues" because MOST people don't really UNDERSTAND his problem. He hoots & hollers and boycotts and speaks out, but about WHAT? The only LUCID opinion Kanye has voiced in EONS was what he said about BritBrit. About how she is being exploited & such... but that is for another time.

My point is, baby, if all of your issues are handled by you rambling on & on & on, yet no one understands why; your valid points will be overlooked, ignored & disregarded because you have fed us so much of your Chopped Word Salad slathered in Ego Ranch Dressing no one's buying it anymore.

This goes out to my boy & Kanye both. Pick your battles & your words carefully. Because there will be folks that will get tired of trying to figure out who you are fighting & why. I am sure Kanye's ego & slick-assed mouth has caused him to burn a bridge or 3 on his way to the Promisedland, so be careful following in his footsteps.

Much like Kanye, I am certain my friend's issues are valid, but the WAY they deal with them, honestly makes me not care. That's not such a bad thing, I mean, I have my own issues to handle and I'm not big on airing them out so publicly as to cause a scene. Besides, if memory serves me correctly, their issues aren't new nor are they pressing enough to raise the threat level or anything. But, for whatever reason, this is how they choose to "solve" most of their "issues" since I have known them. So, this recent episode doesn't surprise me as much as it disappoints me. Much like Kanye, I thought maybe after some time they'd be able to sit back and reflect on what the REAL issue is & understand it for what it is. But, no... Kanye hasn't learned nor has my friend.

Stop taking your ball & going home! Stay & hang out at the courts, make note of those who imitate your style and those who won't pick you for their team... there's more to it than what YOU think.

BTW, laid back is muuuuuch more swaggalicious than riled up... BELIEVE THAT!

Friday, September 7

I... De.... Clare... WAR!

Summer is over. With it's warm nights & cloudless skies it also brought midnight buffets, open bars, long leisurely lunches looking out on the sidewalks of the city, and a fast-paced social calendar that left time for nothing more than Taco Bell & Wendy's en route to the next fabulous soirée! And now, I present to you, my summer love handle! He's back by UNpopular demand. Showing up in all of my finest summer wear & making me NOT want to leave the house.

Initially, I thought, a lil weight for the winter would help me brave the hawk. But, now that I look down at my love-don't-love-you handle protruding ever so conspicuously from my left hand side. I realize I can't take it.

He is taunting me every day. With his defiant, "I'm better than you" demeanor. He hangs out under shirts & over belt loops drawing attention to himself. He's such a showoff. Why can't he be more like my Teletummy? Obedient & barely seen. When I tell Teletummy to play the back, that is just what he does. Never distorting the way my clothes fit, or interrupting a photo op with his incessant demand to be seen!

I declare today (oh wait, make that MONDAY) the last day of truce between Lovey & I! He has ignored my cease-fire order one too many times. So now I am firing back! And I am bringing out the BIG guns... that's right, baby, the PRECOR machine AND the, um, the uhhhhh, the sit up machine thingy, yeah that! and I am coming full throttle. So, say goodbye, homey. You have made my clothes ill fitting for the last time! I have reason to believe that you were in a secret competition with Las Tethas to see who could expand the most & make my clothes the most ill-fitting! BUT GUESS WHAT, LOVEY... YOU LOSE!

Let's do this!

Wednesday, September 5

Lights OUT!

This weekend, we were forced into conversation by some fat, bald, old braggard who seemed to have a penchant to getting props where they were not due. He started off all of his "converstations" with: "Can I ask you a question?" and I use quotes around the word conversation because they were mostly thinly vieled discussions about why he was such a great guy.

The first question was about who was fatter, him or his friend. They were both obese but the older guy was more solid than the younger one. Mimi stroked his ego there by telling him he was more muscular, I added in they were both fat. The second question was about the average size of women in America. Mimi obliged again & said 14 or 16. To which Big Blackanbald replies, "Well, I want me a below average woman. I need someone like a size 8!" I had had ENOUGH of him already. I said, out loud but to no one in particular, "How are you going to demand your girl be slim & you ass is fat!" Obviously, Big Blackanbald thought he was a catch. CHILE, BYE! I walked away from the stupid, ignorant, pointless convo because I was going to fire him up & be labled bitter. In case you were wondering, I'm a size 8... ANYWAY!

So, I somehow end up back near the convo as it goes on to his last relationship. This wonderful woman he had taken up with had 2 children & was in school. He was paying all the bills & such. He told her all she had to do was pay the light bill & the cable bill. Sounds like a super SWEET set up, right? WRONG! HE says he came home one day and the house was dark. He hit the switch & NOTHIN! The lights had been cut off. HA! I was dying laughing. All I could think is, that's what you get!

Is that wrong? NOPE! Any woman that would allow a man to take care of her & her 2 children so soon in a relationship, ain't all the way right. Any man willing to save a chick so desperately that he is doing WAY more than going halvsies on the bills without knowing anything about her responsibility & maturity level, is a fool! The funny thing is, he didn't understand where he went wrong. Reminds me of a Project Pat tune I love (cuz I loves me some ignant rap): "Don't save her, she don't wanna be saved." He didn't ask the right questions.
Where are the childrens' father(s)? Personal as it may SEEM, if you are planning on moving this person into your home, you need to know who may come a-knockin on your door. And the truth may be that the father(s) weren't helping her OR they were in jail OR that she didnt' know who they were. ALL insights into this person's character.

How was she spending her money before? Has she NEVER been able to support her children, or what. If she didn't pay the bills until final notice when it was JUST her then, there was always this danger.

You can't just scoop up some coal & squeeze it into a diamond. That's not how it works... sometimes coal is coal. And you have to KNOW the difference. He was gonna MAKE him a diamond. EVen if all she wanted was to be some coal. And he didn't see the problem.

Among my girls, the vast majority of us wouldn't go for this deal... because as great as it SOUNDS, something isn't right. Why would someone OFFER this type of deal right away? It would be one thing if we were going half for a while & then, slowly, he started taking on more bills. But anyone who would sign up for this too good to be true type deal isn't thinking clearly, nor is the person offering it. There is always a catch & unfortunately Big Blacknbald was caught in the dark!

I hope he learned his lesson!

Wednesday, August 29

Some People Play Too Much (c)

here is a quick 5

5. Eric from Big Brother 8- if it weren't for the rumors of his big she-banga-bang, he would NOT be able to pull a girl like Jess. Who he think he foolin?

4. People with raggedy mouths & money in the bank- There is no reason for you to be claiming or ELUDING to making that loooong money & your teeth are still looking like the first day of sixth grade! Get that shyt fixed & stop playin!

3. El Debarge- the Prince of 80s Pretty boy got aDAMNrrested on FELONY charges. he is 5 foot 9 130 pounds and he got aDAMNrrested he's not gonna be ANY GOOD in the PEN, son! I hope Big Black Bubba doesn't play too too much!

2. Senator Larry Craig- "I am not gay!" How many times have I heard THIS in my lifetime? I'll tell you THIS... less times than I heard that mess TODAY!

Dear Senator Craig,Not only are you gay, but you are a gay ass lie.
You can't accidentally give ALLLLLLL the signs for gay sex in a public restroom
& then just decide to plead guilty to a lesser charge to make it "go
away". Please come out of the closet, step down from your job & stop
playin with your wife & your life!

1. Travis Henry - If you don't know who this fool ass bama is he is not only a running back for the Broncos, he is also a father of NINE and husband of NONE! And if you have SEEN this fool, then you too were wondering how there could have been NINE chicks that let that near them AT ALL let alone without a condom! Any way this fool had to BORROW money to pay child support but has HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of dollars in cars & jewelry. Thanks SO MUCH, Travis Henry, for being not only an embarassment to the race but also yet another coon with a contract! Please INVEST in condoms & stop playin SO DAMN MUCH!

*dropping the mic & walking away*

Make Me a Believer

Superman can fly high way up in the sky
'Cause we believe he can
So what we choose to believe can always work out fine
It's all in the mind

Luther was on to something there. Something that has stuck with me in all of my interactions with the opposite sex. If we both don't believe, then we are both wasting each others time. It has been years since I have been in a real TITLED relationship. And even then, he made ME a believer. He put in the work, he expressed his feelings, he was upfront, initially anyway. And with both of us believing that Superman could fly... he DID!

Until my suspension of disbelief came into play & slowly Superman lost his powers & then on that fateful January night, Superman came crashing down to earth & became just another man on the street.

Luther later says: I wanna love, wanna have, wanna hold you girl
So make me a believer

You have to WANT to be loved, had & held... both people, on both sides, both with intensity. There is a passion and a desire present to want to love & give love. But people are so afraid and so selfish and unwilling to work to make the other person a believer especially when they are only part-time believers themselves.

Luther also states:
Forget all about whatever we fear
And let's just be lovers
Loving and loving, oh love is the way
To make me stay...

Fear & belief cannot exist in the same plane, ain't that right, Luther? So you're telling me that true love, without fear is the way? Hmmm, I am thinking he may be on to something, really. He wouldn't just MAKE UP such a thing right?

With so much distrust, deception, dogging-out involved in forming a "relationship" in today's world, we have forgotten about what it really takes. Making the OTHER person BELIEVE. Men & women both should step it up & love with wreckless abandon... don't be scared! Y'all some punks... HA!

And I know things don't always end well, but you need to know the difference between being made a believer & being CONVINCED. Stop BELIEVING things that are clearly meant to convince you. Be smart about your love & know that when it's right... it'll be evident. You should be on the same wavelength, the same plane, the same page. Otherwise, you are wasting time when you could & probably should be a believer in, for & with someone else. You can't be afraid to let things go & flow as they will. As Uto-Boho as this sounds, I BELIEVE in love & its power to make magic HAPPEN!

Today's Sermon has been taken from the Book of Luther, chapter 1983. In closing I leave you with this:
Yeah, I know the way to persuade me over to your side
And I am sure you can
So if you get me to believe
It all will work out fine

I'm a believer... are you?

Tuesday, August 28

DC Slob Fair 2007

So DC's Mayor decided to hold a Job fair for the un- & underemployed of the city. With the go-ahead to hire certain positions on the spot, it seemed like a place for me to visit on my lunch hour, just to see...

But what I SAW was heartbreaking & disappointing. There were people who clearly KNEW how to present themselves, and people who were TRYING hard to present themselves; but for whatever reason their clothes were ill-fitting- but they tried. Then there was the overwhelming number of people who didn't know how to nor did they care how they presented themselves.

I saw 2 young gay men in sweaters & buttondowns with jeans on that I saw in the THISIT section @ Macy's (for those in the cheap seats that is the Juniors section). And they were flailing all over the place complaining about how crowded it was at some clothing stores booth. "AAAAARGH!" the teeny gay yelled out in frustration. "I'm just tryna get to the TABLLLLLLE!" As his taller friend in hazel contacts fanned himself & looked on.

There was the man in shorts, a tee-shirt & STOCKING cap- not to be confused with a skully- that was standing extremely close to the lady from some local bank. "I need a job. I need someone to hire me!" HE was sincere in his plea, however, he failed to relaize the REAL reason he wasn't being taken seriously. THE STOCKING CAP! Which looked like it had recently been on some old lady's actual foot... it was navy blue.

As I travelled through the maze of actual professionals overpowered by the less-than-professionals, I could have sworn I heard a young fella say to his counterpart: "How many numbers you get?" SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAT?
Are these shiftless negroes really taking time out of their schedules to come down to the job fair to PREY upon innocent job seeking women? SURELY NOT!

I was wrong.

As I have finally gotten fed up with the foolishness, I ACCIDENTALLY make eye contact with some young negro. He asks if I found what I was looking for. I notice he is wearing a t-shirt & jeans, so I mumble, "Yeah." Convo over, yes? NO!

This young negro grabs my arm & asks me again, "You find what you was lookin for, sweethart?" YER KIDDING ME, right? Did this fool put his HANDS on me? Yes, yes he did. I SNATCH away and say, "YES!" and walk off in a huff.

THE AUDACITY! I could have been a potential employer and you are putting your hands on me? At a job fair? Why? I was astounded and overall disappointed by the foolishness I was exposed to & I pray that Fenty & his team can whip this city into shape. Because he has some real FOOLS living here!

FYI: the jobs they were hiring for on the spot involved a CDL or "environmental engineering." Ain't THAT some shyt!

Monday, August 27

Set me free, why don't ya!

It's always so funny to me how someone comes back from nowhere & decide they want back in on your life. But not really because they want you, but because someone they know seems to show interest. There have been some occurrences in the past few weeks that have been blatantly NON-coincidental. Funny how every goodbye ain't gone because I let this guy go late last year. His bitch-like tendencies didn't start resurfacing until he spotted me laughing it up with one of his boys.
The girls & I were at the club laughing it up with him for a good chunk of the night & as I was leaving Old News whispers: "You should call me sometime." My lovely response: "For what?"

This was after the drunk dialing incident, but still... GEEZ.

He can't let me go, though. I don't understand why. Today, he tried to make me feel like I was crazy. Telling me it wasn't his fault I didn't want to hang out with him anymore. My lovely response: "Yes it is, congratulations!" He played dumb as if we had not sat in my car that fateful night & hashed all of this out. He had decided that I wanted more than he did & I had changed. But EVERYTHING in our friendship was an option that I gave him full decision-making privileges over. He CHOSE to spend nights with me. He CHOSE to meet my family. He CHOSE to cut the fool out of the blue due to his previous choices. I let him, as a man, take charge & where did it get him? In my IM, a year later pretending not to know that I was JUST talking to his mans & them.

LISTEN, dude, we weren't together, you were never my man; I therefore can do as I please. Stop trying to keep tabs on me & mysteriously showing up after I talk to your friend. We are just friends & even if we were more, this is an issue you need to take up with HIM not ME!

You had your cake; you chose to toss it aside. So don't try to go back looking for it where you left it; it's GONE!

Set me free, why don't ya? Get out my life, why don't ya? Cuz you don't even LIKE me, you just keep me hanging on!

Tuesday, August 21

Helping Myself to Loneliness

The following is a rant brought on by recent events & conversations. It may seem a little disconnected, but it was written in semi-stream of consciousness...

It is hard to really and truly understand how I feel. Loneliness is the worst feeling I have ever felt because even when you are not alone, it does not go away. I have run into a bad string of fools here lately. And through it all, I have just felt lonely.

I am a helper... I like to help my family, my friends & apparently men. My friends tell me I am too nice to people that don't deserve it. They say the people I deal with aren't on my level. But the people I deal with don't talk to me as crazy as a man of my intelligence level would. I don't like to have to PROVE how smart I am constantly. I enjoy a good debate, but I shouldn't have to constantly be talked to like a stoopid girl. I hate that! And, for the most part the lesser-thans don't talk to me like that so I guess they are a little easier to deal with.

One of my friends said I NEED to change my social scene. But I don't see it that way because when I LIKE my social scene & when I go out, I don't go with the purpose or even desire of meeting anyone new. I go out with the purpose of having a good time with the people I already know. A complete change of scenery would only make me feel more lonely because I'd be the new girl in high school, it would be MUCH harder to make new friends. I have branched out & done things on my own that none of my friends would do with me. And I have been very, very successful at my newest venture, so much so that I am thinking of doing much more of it, but that will have to wait.

I am slowly coming to grips with not having anyone to depend on but myself. Despite me being there for certain people, including my family. To me, this is what hurts the absolute most. That people who you have gone above & beyond for don't have the common courtesy to call if they aren't coming, to come when they call, or to make time in their "busy" schedule to share with you something you deem important. The sad truth is, this isn't going to stop me from helping others and sharing things with them.

Monday, August 20

Don't it ALWAYS Seem to Go...

that you don't know what you've got til it's GONE!??!

My girl Twanks calls me *Gone* because it seems whenever I put a guy on notice that I am not feelin their particular brand of bullshyt, they don't correct the situation, and I roll out... they seem to want to return.

Sometimes they even send their friends in to do reconnaissance. What kind of mess is that. How does that conversation go?

OldNews: Yeah man, she's not feeling me anymore & I haven't talked to her in months maybe you should pretend to be cool with her & see what's going on with her now.

Friend: Yeah man & then I will get her back for trying to stick with you when you were trying to get yourself together & giving up when you decided that you were going to treat her like shyt.

I mean how does that sound... I deleted this fool from my life & had little to NO contact with him until he got in his feelings when he realized he was no longer the main event: "Oh you can't call me? Oh I'm not on ya friends list? Oh you chillin with my boys?" Basically, clearly & pretty much! We had no ties, right? You didn't want a relationship, right? You wanted to do you, right? So why months later is this a big surprise?

Oh yeah cuz I drunk dialed u. My bad... but the fact that once we got home I passed out & asked, nay TOLD you not to touch me should have been yer hint. Things hadn't really changed, I just made a bad choice. Clearly the fact that I hadn't called you since wasn't clue enough. SO here I will say it once and for all... turn me loose and PLEASE stop ruining my life!

Tuesday, August 14

Back yet again from the abyss

I am here again from the abysmal depths of MySpace to try this PUBLIC bloggery yet again.

I want to announce that I have been to the lowest of lows and returned with a tear-stained face, a full heart & a jaded outlook on men. My male friends are to thank... shouts out to WF, Inc. for showing me how it is possible to be a charming & amazing boyfriend, father, husband, friend & a selfish whoremonger simultaneously & sometimes in the same breath. I love you all because without you, I would probably still be home crying my eyes out over some male-type who never had my interests at heart in the first place.

I will be posting at least once a week... I PROMISE!