Friday, December 14

I hope you have a 401(k)/I'm in love with a stripper

Last night I did something I haven't done since about 2001/2002. I went to see the strippers for my girl's birthday.
Initially I was thinking, I'm not going to stay long because I'm so over my fanatical strip club days. And in many ways, I am. But, I ended up shutting the place down. This blog is going to be EVER so hypocritical, so be prepared.

SOOOOO, They are introducing the strippers as they stand there in their street clothes & I'm recalling a few things. First names- I was going to list them, but that is just too embarassing for me... lol, the first time they danced- Total Package & Divine, etc., etc. Then I am thinking about how I haven't seen these men in YEARS & some of them seemed old to me THEN. And apparently, last night, one or two men came out of the retirement... Perfect Gentleman, who I swear is in his 40s & SOS, who was about the dancingest man I have EVER seen (I mean with his clothes ON back when I used to party with the Ruff Ryders on Tuesday after the show @ the Classics *sigh*). The first stripper out was named The Rock & I looked up & it was Mr. Wiggles. He used to be known as just Wiggles too. I couldn't believe it.

It has been almost 7 years now & these men are still stripping. The longest I have ever kept a job was 4 years & that was the craziest 4 years of my life, I SWEAR! But that is neither here nor there. In the 4 years I was there, I had become fully vested in my 401(k). I wonder if some of these older gentlemen can say the same. I am NOT knocking them, because SOME of them are still good at what they do, but WOW! I used to have a girl that stripped, and she eventually gave up the pole, went to school & started doing other things. I am NOT knocking these dudes, I'm just curious about where my dollar bills are going.

NOW to the hypocrisy! It is much to my chagrin that I must admit that I have gone the way of one T-Pain. I am in love with a stripper. I was admiring the physical shape of many of these men last night & the faces of one or two. Then I looked up & noticed that SOMEONE had slipped in the door that was NOT announced in the beginning. Yes, MizLise, my favorite... THE SEXECUTIONER! He was formerly known as the Golden Boy & I remember when he changed his name. WOW!

This man is the prototype!(physically) Everything about him is AWESOME. And seeing him last night was RIDICULOUSLY exciting for me. Twanks turned around & asked me why he had a belt on with his jeans because that WAGON he was draggin wasn't ABOUT to let them pants fall down... we determined it was for decoration. I am sitting here now pausing & staring off into space as I fondly recall the flex of his bicep, the glisten of the oil on the small of his back... Hold on...


Mm mm MM mm mm.

aaaaand I'm back... He performed at my surprise 22nd birthday party & his body was amazing THEN. He's been drinkin milk! because his shoulders to waist to booty ratio is RITHICKULOUS! He made me remember why I used to pay his light bill, or his child support, or whatever my money went to back then. I am glad he is a stripper because if he was lookin like that & working in my office or was the repairman for Comcast or God forbid he was the police officer that showed up in my time of emergency when I was vulnerable & scared... I'd be a fool for him for sure. A straight SUKKA! His eyes, his NOSE (y'all know how I am about noses [some of y'all do!]), his lips, his smile... The PROTOTYPE!

Knowing that he is a stripper has saved me from myself... But should he retire from stripping some day... he need to call me! *faint* *wavin dollas*

Tuesday, December 11

Road Rage Confession

Yesterday was a fairly uneventful day at work. So uneventful, in fact, that I took lunch @ 2 PM & essentially signed out for the day. As I was driving home, a mere 2.5 blocks from my house, there was a school bus double parked in the right lane outside of an elementary school. I turn on my signal to get over & proceed into the open area in the left lane. That is when it happened... Some crazy ass woman sped up and began driving in the oncoming lane to prevent me from getting over. Her bumper was INCHES away from the front of my car. Everytime I would move up to get over she would move up. So I conceded to her and let her go & she didn't even have the balls to LOOK at me when she drove by. I am a strong believer in the idea that if you're gonna be a bitch, be an all out bitch... not a punk bitch. So, I followed her... Yes, I did.

I was 2.5 block from home and I followed this lady for miles... down Riggs, up East-West, onto University, she tried to give me the slip on Adelphi... I made all the lane changes she did & she thought she was getting away from me with her Camry XLE... Baby, I drive a V6. I believe she turned back onto Riggs at some point & then practically made a U turn to get on Powder Mill. She pulled into the parking lot of the Safeway @ Powder Mill & New Hampshire & I let her go.

At first I was enraged, then I thought it was funny. Because for that 15 minutes, she was scared out of her mind all because SHE wanted to DRIVE aggressively & ACT like a punk. All she had to do was let me over, that would have taken 5 seconds. Instead she drove thru DC, PG & Montgomery County at her wit's end! I didn't care, I had time on my hands. But I can only hope that she remembers that feeling the next time she thinks about doing some unnecessarily ignant shyt like that again!

I kind of wish that I had continued to follow her, just so I could see her reaction, but I was hungry & got bored after I was satisfied that I had scared her enough. If any of y'alls mamas, aunts, etc. drive a champagne Toyota Camry XLE with the plate number.... SIKE, I'm not gonna put that out there! But if you know this woman and you hear her say some lunatic followed her all over nothern PG & parts of Montgomery, CALL HER ASS OUT! She didn't have to do what she did...

To make matters worse I was listening to Praise 104 the whole time, but I turned it down when I was on the phone with Mimi.