So, before I begin, the answer to all of your "Girl, why?"s is "Because why not." The answer to all your "Girl, what?"s is "Chiiiiile, Iowno."
So I was doing my dating app rotation after a particularly harrowing experience with a faceless man who solicited me on a dating app that apparently is teeming with ne'er-do-wells, degenerates and toothless male nurses. But thanks to that app I now know what P2P means... *shudders* But I digress. So I had closed 2 accounts and reopened Plenty of Trash. My approach this time was different. I was blocking from the first message. If my spidey senses tingled looking at your profile, you got blocked. So enter the municipal worker. His intro message was funny despite the lack of subject-verb agreement: "If you was a vegetable, you'd be a cutecumber." I had never heard that one before and it made me chuckle. I go through his profile. It's pretty blah. Lots of pics in his work uniform. So I respond. We chat a little. I suggest he remove the pic of him shirtless in his work vest that he claims was "sexy" (I assured him it was not!) He actually removed it. A man that can take a suggestion, huh? He doesn't say anything vile, disgusting or off-putting so I give him the burner number.
Fast forward a few days of texting and short phone calls. He keeps asking weird questions that are struggle love adjacent like "would you date a dude with no car?" and when I say "NO!" he tells me that's messed up. Spidey senses activated. He says he wants to go out Friday night. I say ok. I suggest the seafood spot, he asks about the soul food place, I tell him about Bonchon. He's never heard of it. He looks it up and has no idea what anything on the menu is besides chicken and fries. As a foodie, I was concerned. He asks, "What's buhlaaahjee?" I reply, "You mean, bulgogi?" Him, "Yeah, what's that?" I explain, he seems hesitant. Spidey senses tingle. He mentions having been to the fast food pollo place nearby. Spidey senses tingle more.
Friday comes. He's been texting me all damn day. We are on the phone around 6:30 and we're supposed to meet around 8. He's complaining about an issue depositing his check. I'm a full-blown spider now! I tell him that it sounds like he's not going to be able to go out tonight. He insists he's good to go. This spider has decided to build a web. He says he is going to charge his phone and let me know when he's on the way. I call around 7:45 and no answer. I was already on my way to the Thai spot down the street because my mama didn't raise no fool. I ate well and went home.
The next morning I am texting with another guy who tries to pull that whole "send me a pic". I tell him if he wants to see me, set something up. He then asks me to meet him at a popular brunch spot in an hour. (Actionsssss!) So I am in the bathroom getting ready and my phone rings. I run into the room and answer without looking at the number. Dumb! It's the municipal worker. Dammit, Bri! He says good morning like nothing happened. Me, "Nah. This is not ok." He starts pleading his case. He fell asleep and had 20 missed calls and his roommate (please get your answers to the what or why above) woke him up at midnight to ask if he went out because the $20 he loaned him was still on the coffee table. Yes, you read that right. I said "nah" again and he puts me on hold because his child's mother is calling. I hang up immediately and continue to get ready for an actual date. He calls again and texts. I ignore.
I am driving down the street and decide to listen to the voicemail. Yes, he left one. He's pleading his case and promising me he will make it up to me. Tells me we can go get seafood or anything I want (remember that, it's important). His text is pleading in a similar way. I call back. (please get your answers to the what or why above). He's swearing he will make it up to me. He apologizes. He tells me he will bring me breakfast. I tell him I'm not even home. He asks if I eat crabs because his roommate told him about a seafood carryout with a dozen crabs for $20. I tell him I have plans for the rest of the day. Plus how you offer seafood as a makeup then think someone is going to want $20 crabs? Then he says he will send me lunch money. I almost slowed down on the highway, y'all. Me, "You know what, Imma let you do that." I get off the phone with him. I go on my date, have a great time, attend my meeting and head home to write my paper that is due the next day. I get a text at nearly 1130 saying he's not sure how to use the app. SIR! I ignore it. 20 minutes later, there's money in my Cash app. I cashed that thing out so QUICK!
We talk a little on Saturday and Sunday. I was busy most of the day writing my paper. But he did call me Sunday and told his son to say "hi" to me. Yes, he did. No, I did not respond. I pretended I didn't know his son was talking to me because, sir, what are you doing?
So here's where it really gets weird. He texts me at 6:01 AM on Monday. I respond as I am on the way to work. He calls. Apologizes again for Friday and asks if I want to go to the movies that night. Mind you the web has been built already. He texts me throughout the day. I ask if we are still on for the movies and he says yes. I tell him what I want to see and the times it is playing near me. The next time it's playing is 7 something after discovering the 9 something is actually a 10:35 movie... nope. As I am heading home, he starts with the bull. It was so much, I may forget something so let me give y'all the exact screenshots.
Not sure what was said in that outgoing call, but I am sure he still said he wanted to go to the movies....
one screenshot is missing where I say I don't want to go to Buffalo Wild Wings OR TGIFriday (his other suggestion). He says he's not really feeling the movies, let's go bowling.
This is real life. Please note that by the time he was talking about Buffalo Wild Wings, I was already on my way to get some dinner because I peeped his game from the Dollar Tree text. Also note he texted me "Hi" again after that wack excuse at which point I blocked him on my way to another date.
Fellas, tell your homeboys to stop doing all of this. Even if you don't think he's this type, tell them to stop. I know this is such an odd amalgam of ashiness and assholery that seems to only happen to me.... but seriously based on the amount of women I know that have had something remotely similar to this happen, it stands to reason that at least one of your friends is doing this type of foolishness and not telling you about it. So gone on ahead and send out that PSA to stop setting up dates they cannot afford, stop standing women up instead of telling them they cannot make it, and start shutting up when women ask them to leave them alone.
Signed,
Womankind
