I love myself more today than I have in years. Not that I didn't love myself before, but I didn't show myself enough grace for my mistakes while also committing myself to not making them in the same way again. So here, today, on this 1st day of February, I am in LOVE with me.
I used to be terrified of new people. New people bring new energy. New energy brings the empath in me into the spotlight and drains her dry, even when the energy is positive. My personality is such that I like new things almost obsessively for short to extended periods of time and then it wears off, suddenly and without warning. This also happens with people... SURPRISE! I will want to spend every minute of my free time in their presence, talking to them, yammering on the phone, telling everyone I know how funnty he or she is. Then one day, they text and I literally don't have the brainspace to respond. they invite me out and I opt for the couch. I have learned to identify the source of that feeling and address it without getting folks feelings involved. I have learned to temper my reactions to new energy that I enjoy and space out my interactions to save myself the drain.
I used to just let these things happen with no brakes (not breaks), but the withdrawals that follow those dopamine loops were just not worth it. Them lows got low low low and made me question my entire existence. Yes, that means what you think it means. I would get so low after I would just not want to be here anymore. Instead of taking myself out, which I knew the thoughts were tricks of the loop, I took myself in. I started doing the internal work to figure out what the hell I was doing wrong and working overtime to get it right.
As I stated in my previous blog, I was a Mean Girl. I was fighting those lows with projection, anger and transferal of energy. Until one day, my spirit had had enough. I stood up to these urges, feelings, people and myself. I confronted me with no illusions that it had anything to do with anyone but me why I was in the space I was in at the time. And I had full understanding that it was going to take help from others, but I was the one responsible for doing the bulk of the work. And for real for real I still have a lot of work to do.
In my past blogs, I have discussed moving forward and doing the work. But now I am ascending, spiritually. The shift I have felt in my spirit over the last months has been visible to others. It has made what used to break me easier to bear. It has given me a freedom to express my true self without concern of judgement because I know that those who are meant to join you on your next level will understand your shift and not fear or fight your shifted mindset if you have done the work to stop fearing and fighting it yourself. WHEW! As I have opened myself up to the spiritual practices and focuses to which I am being led, I have opened myself up to learning and loving me more for and in the fullness of who I truly am. There is less shame in what I do, who I love, how I express myself and where I intend to go.
I am being led away from some of my current places in pursuit of a higher calling. It takes hard work, perseverance, preparation, focus, and sheer desire to ascend. But higher heights are calling, cleansing is occurring, and more peace is forthcoming. I am turned on, tuned in and ready. I am ready with an assurance I have never felt before. I am not going to be deterred like I have every time before. I am going to love my way through to this next level.
I hope to see you at the top!
