I come to you all the day after a super intense panic attack that occurred in CHURCH of all places. I will be OK! But I wanted you all to know that anxiety is real and it can come for you at any point. I have mine most often when I am feeling overwhelmed or out of control of a situation and with all that is going on in my world and the world around me, it was almost inevitable.
I have not written much of anything in more than 8 months because I felt like I did not have much to say and some of my feelings, I was not willing to share. I have been going through some things... some great and some not-so-great but I have gone through them. I have gotten to a better place overall. Yes, despite the anxiety attack because I got up this morning, still anxious, and came in to work looking quite adorbs, if I must say so myself. As I sat down at my desk, which I am still in the midst of cleaning off from last year's foolery, I found a poem I wrote about 5 months ago. I haven't written any poetry in forever and I wrote this with the intention of reading it at an open mic, but I never did. So, I am going to share it here.
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I Haven't Written Any Poetry
I haven't written any poetry
Since I let my heartsong go
The world has stolen my creativity
Because everything around me is burning
Some things are a slow burn
While others are accelerated by the gasoline of hatred for my success in a world
That was never designed to love me
I haven't written any poetry
Since I thought I could love a man loyal
His smile was devious; yet my heart thought our interactions could usurp his utmost desire
To be sentient refuse with a sense of humor
And when I released him from my embrace
And back into the world, he bit me
He was afterall a snake
And he slithered away laughing
I haven't written any poetry
Since reality tv became my new escape
Watching people with talent struggle for something they love
Opening their lives to cameras- vicarious trauma bonding
As I shouted, "Girl, same!" to the tv screen
Then winning the prize and fading into near-oblivion
I haven't written any poetry
Since I grew up and out
Heavy with the expectations placed upon me
By those that love me and know I will succeed
Because it's what I do
It's why I'm their fave
It's how I'm known
It's what's weighing me down
Heavy with the sustenance I purchase and prepare to fill the emptiness inside
That I am told only I can fill
So I try with a little love and a lot of pasta.
I haven't written any poetry
Since I switched to auto-pilot
The me you see has lost so much to age and rage and experience
And is now loosely and lazily navigating life
Through a fog of uncertainty
Out of fear of mediocrity
From a place of passivity
I move forward with cautious stupidity
Hoping that one of life's many, many tragedies
Impacts me and penetrates this apathy
And brings me back my poetry.
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Take care of yourself.
Go to therapy!
Continue to show up and push through.
Better is coming, I believe it!
