Based upon my last post, this does not seem like a big deal, right?
The difference is that yesterday I cried tears of joy! Easter services were PHENOMENAL. God moved all up and through the 8, 10 AND 12 o'clock services. But something happened at the 12 o'clock service that caused me to realize how far I have come in my process. My pastor did an altar call for people who felt burdened. As I watched people from the praise team and friends in the congregation walk up to the altar, I burst into tears. Not because I was sad for them, but I was happy for ME! (Not that I did not feel their pain because I had definitely been there) But that's the whole point of this. I'm not there anymore! I felt not even the slightest TUG to go to the altar. All I felt was pure praise!
Think about that. God took me from a state where I wasn't even MYSELF - constantly crying at the altar because as Rev. Wells said to me after he told me to "Trust the process," I was stuck- to a place of pure praise! Before, I wanted to go where God was leading me but I was not yet prepared for the journey. I was still trying to squeeeeeze some people and things through that door with me. But once I finally let go of them, on the other side of that door was joy, light, PEACE, order! I prayed for these things SPECIFICALLY and on Resurrection Sunday it hit me... My prayers were being answered.
However, in the midst of my light, darkness still tried to take over, but I laughed in it's face LITERALLY! An out loud and from the GUT kind of laugh... I pushed the anxiety out and away, it would not take over again. I pushed it away, not down. I let that thing GO! And watched it float away and disintegrate in a ray of sun.
Yesterday, I cried....