#DontDoThis- Foot and Furniture Foolishness

Y'all I'm a day late, but here we go... (All caps in this story are because I am, in fact, YELLING!) 

You would think that with the last date I posted about and the story I am about to relay that I:
A- am LYING... I can't blame you cuz if this stuff had not happened to me, I would think I was lying too!
2- would STOP going to this spot altogether... cuz PEOPLE!

So here's the scene: I'm at my neighborhood hangout/work space... I cannot do school work from home because I am too tempted to do EVERYTHING else. I had been there since 11 AM working on a paper that was due the next day. It's about 5 PM, I'm sitting on the far left side of the couch minding my business. There is one girl in the second chair on the left side of the LARGE table reading a book. The couch facing me is empty, the chaise to the right of me is empty (remember that it's important).

I am on the final section of a 7 page paper that was 0 pages at the beginning of the day, when it happens... this lady walks in, walks by the 2 empty couches and flops down next to me. I looked at her like "why, ma'am?" She smiles at me and says she just needs to plug in her laptop. The power strip my laptop was plugged into was behind me to the left. She was sitting to the right. It was at this time I pointed to the empty couch to the right and informed her there was an outlet on the floor directly in front of that couch. She made a huge dramatic event out of "looking" for this giant metal circle in the floor similar to you instructing a toddler to hand you something directly in front of them & they are looking leaning over and looking past it repeating "Where? Wherrrrrre? Whhheeere?" She does not take the hint and begins to unpack her things anyway. If you know nothing else about me, know that my ignore game is strong, my observational skills are stronger and my foolery detector is even strongerer. So while I wasn't responding to her, I saw and heard what was going on and I could feeeeeeel something brewing.

My paper was on exploring sexuality at middle age and I had one of the articles on full display on my laptop screen. She leaned over and said: "Excuse me," I took my headphones out of one ear and look at her with a blank face, "I don't mean to be nosy..." (TOO LATE!) "but are you writing a book?" I tell her in the driest, I'm-not-here-to-people voice I can muster that I am writing a paper that is due tomorrow. I cut her one last lemme lone look and turn back to my paper. She is officially on my watchlist now. The girl to my left looks up at her & then back down at her book.

The waiter comes over and she asks him for hot water and lots of sugar. Yes, she did what you think she did. As the waiter walked away she pulled some Royal Cup tea packets out of her bag. She was about to start making her own tea! This is when her cavalcade of foolishness commenced.

The waiter returns with a mug of hot water and a handful of sugars. She balks! She reaches over to MY KETTLE and says "I want one of these!" and holds it up.  At this point I was convinced she was dealing with a mental health issue because who does any of this? I was done with the thing anyway, but SERIOUSLY!?!? The waiter says okay & hands her the sugars. She hands him the brown sugar packets that were in the container on the table and tells him he can take them. He informs her he has to leave them on the table. He leaves to get her kettle. The girl to my left look up at her & then back down at her book. I keep typing FURIOUSLY to complete this paper, because.... When the waiter returns with the kettle, she demands a plate and a spoon. But she says it as if she was insulted that he would not provide her a full tea service- kettle, mug, napkin, & lemon on a plate- for her tea that she likely took from her job's kitchen. The girl to my left looks up at her & then back down at her book. I continue typing.

Finally satisfied, she picks up her laptop which she still hasn't PLUGGED IN, Y'ALL! And she pulls out THIS book:

Here's part of the blurb from Amazon on this unreviewed book: "You're surrounded by ruined dreams and shattered aspirations. Enemies attack you from without and within. Welcome to Nehemiah's world. This humble servant of God fought against overwhelming odds and prevailed. In Rebuilding What the Enemy Almost Destroyed Pastor Paul Sheppard shares practical insights for rebuilding your life and reclaiming peace and joy. Paul Earl Sheppard has been preaching since his teens and has been in pastoral ministry since 1982."

Prior to her arriving, a friend of mine had joined me and we had 2 laptops, 2 phones, tea service and food spread out on this side of the table. After I turned the brightness down on my phone screen- because she was obviously watching what I was doing- and started texting said friend, I noticed that the space on my side of the table was decreasing. At one point my phone was nearly resting on her book. It was time to go! But I was putting the finishing touches on the paper and did not want to stop working because I knew when I went home it was a wrap for doing any work.

The waiter came back and she finally ordered some food. Before he could even get her order down, she says to him in the same annoyed voice she's been speaking to him in this whole time, "Utensils! Please!" The girl to my left looked up at her & then back at her book. A few minutes go by and the lady seems to be chilling. Then out of the blue, I heard her say, "You know, I was thinking...."  to no one in particular. I think she THOUGHT she was talking to me, but I refused to take my eyes off my screen. She never finished her statement and I never acknowledged her. 

Just as I had gotten back in my groove, she took her shoes off! Y'ALL! Y'ALL! Y'AAAALLLLLLLUH! And as if that wasn't bad enough, she swung her feet around, BRUSHED MY LEG as she tucked her feet under her on the couch! The devil on my left shoulder was like, "OH, TELL HER YOU NOT HERE FOR THE GAMES! She over here playin in your FACE!" The angel on my right shoulder told me to show compassion, so I only gave her the death glare. She laughed it off and said something akin to "I got you, girl!" (huh?) but did not say excuse me. The  girl to my left looked up at her &  then back down at her book. IT WAS TIME TA GO! I started typing up the last sentences of my conclusion as she pulled a large scarf from her bag, flung it out near me & tucked herself in like she was finna take a nap! Mind you there were still two empty couches one of which was a CHAISE LOUNGE! She could've gotten as comfortable as she pleased on ANY of them. I was thinking this is a test... this is a test! She moved around a bit & her feet touched me again. The devil on my left shoulder was screaming: "CUSS HER OUT! CUSS THIS BIH OUT!" The angel on my right shoulder was whispering softly: "Where is your empathy? You're a therapist. Remain calm." I was on the highest of alerts by now but I had to finish. Or DID I? 

Spoiler alert: I didn't! Right as I was about to start the reread, y'all she started laughing to herself. And not softly. The girl to my left looked up at her & back down at her book. Something in that laugh caused the angel and the devil to be on one accord as they both screeeeeamed in my ear: "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" I hit Ctrl+S on my keyboard and slammed my computer shut.  I reached over to unplug my computer and shoved everything down in my bag. I slid past the girl on my left  and walked out without looking back.

The next day, I am telling the story and my sister's friend asks me what she looked like. I described her and she asks me about a very particularly noticeable feature. I confirm. She tells me that she has seen her before laughing and talking to herself in other public places. 

Monday, I am go back to the restaurant because I pretty much live there now. As my friends and I are wrapping up dinner at one of the tables by the door, she walks in! She goes over to the couch & sits in the exact spot I was in on Saturday, leaves her shoes on and works quietly. My friends looked at me like I was lying about that being her. She left before we did and as she was leaving, I looked down but saw her smile and wave at my friend. Y'all, I think she just wanted her seat! 

via GIPHY