Mourning My Body

This is deeply personal and may be difficult for those dealing with reproductive issues to read, but here goes. My Eulogy for my Uterus.

I have had a menstrual cycle since I was 11 years old. I have been suffering from debilitating cramps and bleeding through my clothes since I was 15. In my 20s I woke up after passing out on the floor of my bathroom on day 1 of my period. I've been on every form of birth control excluding the implant. With these different forms of birth control came different side effects including: hair shedding, weight gain, depression and loss of sex drive. And through it all I still found minimal relief from my periods on most of them.

At 34, I had to have a myomectomy to remove fibroids and endometriosis. During that time, the doctor asked me if I had ever been pregnant. Something about that question being asked in my mid-30s stung. I realized that I had not always been safe, I had not always made wise decisions, but I also had never been pregnant. At this point I had heard of and been through my friends' pregnancies that were successful, unsuccessful and terminated. It was then that I realized that all of these years of distress and pain and embarrassment may have served no purpose because I may not have ever even had the capacity for "viable pregnancy". As much as I try to shake the patriarchal-based upbringing I had, the thought of not being able to have children truly caused me to question myself and my purpose. Unfortunately, my doctor basically reinforced that when I went in for my 6-week appointment. He basically encouraged me to try for a baby VERY SOON even if I had to "hold on to the side of the bed" if it got uncomfortable. At the time, I had a live-in boyfriend of about 3 years. In theory, expanding our family was not so far-fetched but the reality was we were not ready.

At 35, I got my IUD. What a difference a year makes! It had become clear to me that my relationship was coming to an end. The year before he was there with me at the appointments. But then a year later, there I was on the same exam table, alone, getting an IUD. It was supposed to regulate my periods, prevent endometriosis, and reduce the risk of the fibroids returning. 2 years later, the fibroids returned. They were small and not super painful and I was not ready to have a child, so I did not address it.

At 39, I went to the doctor because of pain in my uterus. The doctor doing the exam stated  my uterus was the same size as a 5 month pregnant woman, it was apparent my fibroids had grown more. The ultrasound confirmed and I felt a sense of both dread and relief. Dread because I knew that at 40, it was likely time to consider a hysterectomy. Relief because I had confirmation that my inability to lose this stomach was not all my fault *eyeroll at myself* but also that my 25 year struggle with my reproductive system would be over soon. Which has also caused me grief because after 25 years of struggle with my reproductive system, it would be over without having a baby or knowing if I could.

At 40, just days away from my hysterectomy, I am making peace with the woman I thought I'd  be and the woman I am now. I am realizing that my worth as a woman does not rest solely on my ability to procreate. Which I had already been trying to convince myself of for years. But in the back of my mind there was always that thought, that idea of pregnancy as a possibility. I am perhaps the most practical dreamer I know. While the dream of having a child seemed great, it was not practical based on my current lifestyle. Emotions ain't practical, y'all! I went on a snotty vent a few weekends ago that finally allowed me to say all of the things I wanted to say on both ends of the spectrum.

After 25 years, she and I are parting ways. I do not know who I will be without her, my prayer is that I will be more fabulous, more amazing, more joyous, more adventurous, more confident, more comfortable and with less pain, less monthly anxiety, less ruined clothes!