Thursday, July 28

Tale of an Accidental Hoodrat

This week circumstances & fate in cahoots with the some abnormally aligned stars led to an outcome of hoodrat proportions. For a approximately 4.5 hours, I, Bri Cooley had reached full blown hoodrat status. Well as close to it as I ever care to come. And for that, I 'pologize!

It all started quite innocently 2 months ago when I got my microbraids. I just wanted to go to Zumba without feeling like I couldn't brang it like it needed to be broughten to the various Pitbull & assorted salsa tunes without worrying about my hair lookin a mess the next day. See? Innocent, right?
So fast forward to TUESDAY night, I realized I could no longer ignore my newfound cosmedical issue of my toenails randomly cleaving LOW on my toe! My poor big toes looked like NUBS because the nails were literally peeeeled down... I had to do something. Someone with a similar cosmedical issue suggested getting tips on my toes. So... I did... When she first put them on, they were EXTRA long, I asked her to cut them down. But now that I really look at them *peers under desk at feet* They are still kinda long. So I walk out of the salon with kinda long tips on my purple-painted toes.
 
Now it's Tuesday evening and as I struggled to get those demon braids out of my head, I looked in the mirror and realized that my hair was lookin a lot more like Freddy D. meets Yahoo Serious than I thought it would.
 
+ = ME!
 
So the idea of wearing my hair out and wild the next day was going to make me look more like I was wildin out!  I had plans to go out with my mom & nephew during the day Wednesday & get my mane tamed Wednesday afternoon. What was a girl to do. I had no headwrap & no scarf sufficient to wear out in public. I get to my mom's house & she suggests I try on some of her "hats". By hats she means wigs... I shrug & decide it had to be better than the current JJ Fad style bush I was currently rocking. I go into her closet & pull out... *drum roll & dramatic pause*
 
LACEFRONTS!
 
Those who know me know that I HATE lacefronts. Not for BEING lacefronts, but because every hoodbooger from here to Richmond has one & they are NOT of good quality. They are often made of goat fur & indecision. Or matted squirrel tails & disappointment. They are cheap & poorly made. And they wear them so that the lace IN the front grazes their eyebrows. In other words, hoodrats have given lacefronts a bad rep.

 I try on a few & settle on one that is similar to the style my own hair is cut in.  with a bang to take away from the prefectly straight across babydoll hairline lacefronts tend to have. I didn't really care because we were going to the mall WAY out & it was a Wednesday... I seriously doubted I would see anyone I knew.
 
So there I am... at the mall in the middle of the day in classic hoodrat fashion:
1. my mom's not working but we were in Nordstrom trying on hundreds of dollars worth of shoes (she's retired & has the money to do that)
2. we have my sister's son who is extra hype in the Nordstrom (he actually was playing creatively & entertaining the people that worked there, but to outside observers & for the purposes of my hoodrat certification, I have taken some license)
3. I am rocking tips on my toenails
4. and wearing a lacefront.
 
I took off the lacefront as SOON as I got to the salon & I went to the salon RIGHT after I left the mall. I plan to get these stupid tips cut down at my next polish change. My nephew's birthday is over so he should be chilled out now. And yeah my mom has been working since she was 19 so she doesn't have to work anymore. But for all intents & purposes, I was indeed a hoodrat for a couple of hours. I still don't know how I feel about that. But I know as much as I despise all hoodrattedness, I needed to come clean to y'all...
 
SO, there you have it!

3 comments:

Lady Staples said...

WOW! This is traumatic..I am sure that this moment will echo in your brain forever and serve as a reminder of who you must never become...thanks for coming clean and the hilarity!

B. Cooley said...

YES! It was quite cathartic!

PuertoCrucianCutie said...

LMAOO that's a whole LOT of hoodrattery in one day my darling. *rubs back*