Helping Myself to Loneliness

The following is a rant brought on by recent events & conversations. It may seem a little disconnected, but it was written in semi-stream of consciousness...

It is hard to really and truly understand how I feel. Loneliness is the worst feeling I have ever felt because even when you are not alone, it does not go away. I have run into a bad string of fools here lately. And through it all, I have just felt lonely.

I am a helper... I like to help my family, my friends & apparently men. My friends tell me I am too nice to people that don't deserve it. They say the people I deal with aren't on my level. But the people I deal with don't talk to me as crazy as a man of my intelligence level would. I don't like to have to PROVE how smart I am constantly. I enjoy a good debate, but I shouldn't have to constantly be talked to like a stoopid girl. I hate that! And, for the most part the lesser-thans don't talk to me like that so I guess they are a little easier to deal with.

One of my friends said I NEED to change my social scene. But I don't see it that way because when I LIKE my social scene & when I go out, I don't go with the purpose or even desire of meeting anyone new. I go out with the purpose of having a good time with the people I already know. A complete change of scenery would only make me feel more lonely because I'd be the new girl in high school, it would be MUCH harder to make new friends. I have branched out & done things on my own that none of my friends would do with me. And I have been very, very successful at my newest venture, so much so that I am thinking of doing much more of it, but that will have to wait.

I am slowly coming to grips with not having anyone to depend on but myself. Despite me being there for certain people, including my family. To me, this is what hurts the absolute most. That people who you have gone above & beyond for don't have the common courtesy to call if they aren't coming, to come when they call, or to make time in their "busy" schedule to share with you something you deem important. The sad truth is, this isn't going to stop me from helping others and sharing things with them.