Say WHAT!?!?!?

This blog is a BIT all over the place... but just rock with me, I promise it'll be worth it!

There are times in the process of getting to know someone where communication breaks down. Sometimes it's forgivable, overlookable. But sometimes it's a testament to how the person listens, processes and acts upon what you tell them. I have known many a man who will ask you one thing, receive the answer and then develop something in their heads that when it does not come out how they planned get upset with you. Here's my issue with that. Time and again when they asked me a question I answer THAT question without assumptions or anticipations. So when THAT question is more open-ended than it should be, please don't get upset with ME! Prime example:

Them: What are you doing later? 

Me: Nothing.

Them HOURS later: So where do you want to go for dinner?

Me: I made plans already.

When you make your intentions clear from the beginning, there is no room for misunderstanding. Even in cases where someone wanted to surprise me, there are ways to make sure I'm where you want/need me to be at the right time without saying "I have a surprise for you". It's all about how and what you communicate.

I am a woman who says what I mean and mean what I say. If you interpret it any differently than how I said it, that's totally on you. I choose my words carefully for this very reason. I was a Communications major, I have a way with words, I KNOW what I said. In order to deal with me one must understand this.

I'm not perfect, by any means. There is a song performed by Nina Simone that says:

Oh baby, I'm just human

Don't you know I have faults like anyone?

Sometimes I find myself alone regretting

Some little foolish thing, some simple thing that I've done

'Cause I'm just a soul whose intentions are good

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

I SOMETIMES make mistakes in my communication due to emotion, or sleepiness..... But, for the most part I mean every word I say and I expect you to understand that. I don't set out to make things difficult for anyone, contrary to popular belief. But I do expect someone to be able to process what I say the way I say it without inferences and interpretations. If you ask me what I like and I tell you, then you immediately decide to do the opposite, I'm not going to go along just to get along. I said what I said for a reason. I say it all the time, "I'm always right and I'm almost never wrong" so disputing me is futile. Whether that is a good stance to take or not, it simply means I stand by my words. I can give you flowery prose, or I can be so concise and blunt that you may get your feelings hurt; either way I pride myself on my ability to communicate well. If you don't respect and understand that, you don't respect or understand me.

I urge you all to take heed to this. As an adult, you know what you like, love, or are indifferent about. You know what is important to you, what you are proud of, what means the most. If someone does not appreciate it or at least respect those things, they just aren't for you. Don't be afraid to say what you mean. Too often we mince words to keep someone around, failing to realize that we are suppressing a part of ourselves to appease someone else. Many of us have done it for far too long and still come up empty. So why not speak your peace (yes PEACE, think about it!) and let things come together or fall apart based upon  your truths. You'll be happier in the end, I PROMISE!

Speak Life

What do you say to yourself in the mirror in the morning? "You look like crap!" "You need to pull it together."  What do you say to yourself as you are getting dressed? What do you say to your friends when they ask you how are you?What are you speaking over yourself? Whether in jest or in truth... What do you say?

I am NOT a rainbows and unicorns person, but I believe in positive energy regardless of spiritual or religious affiliation. When you feed into negativity you breed more of the same. When you speak ill over your life illness will manifest. Today, for some reason, negativity is cropping up in my mind and while my heart is saying it knows better, my mind is racing with all manner of thoughts that center on the negative. I just had life spoken into my situation by a friend that is so over me for today! But she still found it in her to speak life and not help or allow me to dwell on the downside.

Which brings me to what are your friends saying to you? When you talk about your current love interest or your ex how do they respond? Those around you may be speaking death if you are not careful. Jokes are fine, but at the core, what is there? Who are you allowing to speak to your situation? Negative Nancies and Bitter Bernards? or do you have a network of people who know how to be real, honest AND positive. The truth doesn't have to be covered in sugar OR sh*t (pardon my language). It can be done tactfully. If you ain't got that... How can you expect fruit?  Proverbs 18:21 says- "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof." I'll take the life fruit please & thanks!

Placeholders

Over the past few months, I've been dealing with some men ("some" meaning more than one but less than 10).  "Dealing with", not really dating... just kinda dealing... Men that I knew were too young, too immature,  too insecure, too used to drama, too busy, "not good enough" (THEIR words, not mine). After reading The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas, I know that there is not ONE person for everyone, but several if you are seeking someone to aid you in the building of God's kingdom. These men were not that. I am in the process of discovering who God would have me to be for Him to this world and these men had no clue. Not to down them, they had great hearts, and some even appeared to have a DESIRE to follow Matthew 6:33: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." which is the verse that the aforementioned book is based upon, however... they were simply PLACEHOLDERS.

placeholder

noun

1. a person authorized to act for another

In my mind, and at least once in my heart, I was giving these men authorization to act on behalf of  a man that better fit into my future. But in doing so, where was this man to go if someone was holding his place? This man may be ANY of the things that I mentioned above but if he is seeking the kingdom, it would look and feel differently to me. He may be younger but have an old soul... I have NO desire to have an argument about whether the original WILLY WONKA and the Chocolate Factory was better than Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with a man in his 20s who has only seen the latter! He may be insecure but  in seeking the kingdom he allows himself to love me and me to love him and his insecurities fade... I have NO desire to deal with someone teetering back and forth between no drama with me and known chaos with someone else. He may be busy, but in seeking the kingdom, he realizes that he can and will make time for a woman who is also seeking the kingdom with whom he can build. He may not be good enough, but in seeking the kingdom his actions (not plans, but deeds) have him on a path to becoming a better person, not for me, but for God. But if these other men are holding his place, how and where will he fit?

These placeholders were granted authority out of loneliness, from a place of almost giving up, with the thought that SOMETHING was better than NOTHING. Because I "was not ready for a real relationship" it was ok to have hemidemisemiquavers taking the place of a whole note... for those that don't know music, that's 1/64th of a whole... that's several notes that you have to use to equal a whole (iowno math)

From: http://www.learnclassicalguitar.com/

In some cases, I was the placeholder for them. I am a lot of things (some awesome, some good, some not so great), but I am NOT a placeholder. God knows I'm not perfect, but I am a woman that is seeking the kingdom. This morning on FB, my update from "God Wants You to Know" stated that "well done is always better than well-said". I talk a LOT but I try my best to make my words match up with my deeds and I am trying to make sure my deeds match my intentions in a way that impacts the kingdom positively. And for that reason, I know that I am not a placeholder. I am not a proxy, a  surrogate, a backup, a fill-in or a substitute. I am the original, the archetype, the model, the pattern, the paradigm. I must continue to see myself as such and act as such. 

Sure, I'm loud, a little raunchy, I have a sophomoric sense of humor, I still curse a little (ok sometimes a lot but not in front of children, pastors & old people anymore), I drink, I like a little ratchet music every now and then. But I am leaps and bounds away from where I used to be, how I used to be, what I used to be and WHY I used to be. I work regularly to do and be better and I cannot stand in place. I am not a placeholder for any man on this earth, God has given me the authority to overcome all the enemy's power and nothing will harm me (Luke 10:19). It may hurt for a moment but it will not harm me there is a huge difference.

I challenge you all to identify the placeholders in your life. Not just people but the things you have given the authority to act on behalf of something or someone else. I also challenge you to trust the process and step out of your placeholder position and take the authority to act on your OWN behalf. I pray that God allows us all to let go of placeholders and placeholdings so that we are free in his authority to seek him, trample the snakes and scorpions, and match our words to our deeds to our intentions to build His Kingdom. 

You Ain't Foolin' Nobody

Phoniness is transparent. Some of us believe in fake it til you make it because it helps us get through our low points. However, if you do not acknowledge your lows, how can you appreciate your highs? No one does the right thing all the time and no one should expect to either. But, let's be real... constantly being cheerful on social media, smiling like you have to go #2 in all your photos and shoving your happiness down people's throat not only gets old, but it's fake. You know it & I know it. How do I know? Because I've been there. But what I learned was that those with a discerning spirit see right through it.

You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to be happy about where your life is right at this moment , you don't have to tell the world your every move to prove you are moving. I've seen people tweeting and posting about how happy they are with where they are, but will look you in your face and not speak even though they know you and see you on a regular basis. I've seen people who continuously talk about how comfortable they are in their own skin, but will roll their eyes at and make "jokes" about whatever positive thing someone else has going on that they are blatantly envious of. The more perfect you pretend to be, the more imperfect you seem to discerning spirits. The more holier-than-thou you appear to be, the more people around you await your downfall. You ain't foolin' nobody!

A few months ago, I had to look in the mirror and tell myself: "Quit it out, Boo, you ain't foolin' nobody!"

I had to be okay with not always making the right decisions. I had to be okay with not having to justify my bad decisions. I had to be okay with not appearing perfect. I gave myself permission to fall,  fail, and falter. I gave myself permission to mess up, misstep, and make mistakes. But I also gave myself permission to process, pray, and prepare. Why was I making mistakes? Why was I faltering? Because I viewed myself as more perfect than I was. I was misstepping and failing because I thought I was too good to... I thought God was too big in me to allow these things to happen. But finally, I got real and I gave myself permission to be human. I realized God does not expect me to be perfect.... he expects me to perfect who I am becoming. And perfecting is a never-ending process. There is ALWAYS room for improvement.

You won't ever be perfect. That's ok! What's not  ok is pretending to be. It is harmful to you and just plain annoying to everyone around you. Ask yourself why do you feel the need to be so perfect? Are you trying to impress the people? Or are you trying to convince them of something? Are you trying to convince yourself of something? Let that thing GOOOOOOOOOOO! It's okay... and frankly, it's not working!

I want to be abundantly clear. I'm not preaching... I'm talking to myself... out loud. The last time I did this, it helped some folks, so I chose to do it again. Therefore, if anything I've said here makes you feel some kind of way towards ME... it's probably time to go to the mirror and say those 4 magic words: You ain't foolin' nobody!

Transparency is a major part of clarity is a major part of trusting the process.

Yesterday, I Cried...

Based upon my last post, this does not seem like a big deal, right?

The difference is that yesterday I cried tears of joy! Easter services were PHENOMENAL. God moved all up and through the 8, 10 AND 12 o'clock services. But something happened at the 12 o'clock service that caused me to realize how far I have come in my process. My pastor did an altar call for people who felt burdened. As I watched people from the praise team and friends in the congregation walk up to the altar, I burst into tears. Not because I was sad for them, but I was happy for ME! (Not that I did not feel their pain because I had definitely been there) But that's the whole point of this. I'm not there anymore! I felt not even the slightest TUG to go to the altar. All I felt was pure praise!

Think about that. God took me from a state where I wasn't even MYSELF - constantly crying at the altar because as Rev. Wells said to me after he told me to "Trust the process," I was stuck- to a place of pure praise!  Before, I wanted to go where God was leading me but I was not yet prepared for the journey. I was still trying to squeeeeeze some people and things through that door with me. But once I finally let go of them, on the other side of that door was joy, light, PEACE, order! I prayed for these things SPECIFICALLY and on Resurrection Sunday it hit me... My prayers were being answered.

However, in the midst of my light, darkness still tried to take over, but I laughed in it's face LITERALLY! An out loud and from the GUT kind of laugh... I pushed the anxiety out and away, it would not take over again. I pushed it away, not down. I let that thing GO! And watched it float away and disintegrate in a ray of sun.

Yesterday, I cried....

Trust the Process

I've been through some things, y'all!

My relationship of almost 3 years ended. And at that point I lost sight of a lot of things... BUT GOD!

If you don't want to be ministered to, stop reading RIGHT NOW, cuz I'm about to go IN!

I have suffered through depression, anxiety, serious self-doubt, and most of all negative thinking. That is the biggest problem most people have. Romans 12:2 (NIV) says: "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." I had to change my mind on some things in my life and about myself! I had to see some people for who they were and who I had pretended to be. I had to look at some situations through God's eyes and realize that there was a way. As I started taking the steps and making the sacrifices, things started happening that I could only say were God's hand. There may be some of you who feel stuck in a room that is your current situation. You have some things with you in that room that you carry around everyday. There is a way out, there's an open door. But fitting through that door may mean that you have to leave some things in that room. Some apprehensions, some activities, some time, some people. But what you must realize is that once you go through that open door, there is a HALLWAY of bigger, better doors that are WIDE OPEN!

photo from:  http://www.redbubble.com/people/jasonbakerphoto?ref=artist_title_name

You have to leave some things behind. It's NOT easy, but nothing simple ever is if you truly think about it. I am not just saying words to make you feel better, this is part of my testimony. I have been lower than low with no sight of how to get up. I have allowed people and situations to cloud my mind and distort what I know my God can do and who I have known my God to be. He has been a banker, a healer, a protector, and a deliverer in just a few short months. He has done things for me that takes YEARS for some people all because I shed some things & walked through that door. 

Lately, I have been battling with anxiety more than ever. I have doubted my own self-worth but most of all my worthiness of God's grace, mercy and love. I have strayed and wandered and wondered and prayed and strayed and wandered and wondered... you get where this is going. My anxiety began a terrible cycle. I had to get honest with God, myself, and those around me. No longer could I wear the mask of "Being ok" then go home to cry myself to sleep at night, go for days only eating once or twice because I was literally sick on my stomach from worry and doubt. I had to open my eyes and my heart and realize that I could not get through all of this on my own. I prayed for the right people to turn to and God shined a big bright spotlight. As they began praying for and with me and sharing their own testimonies, I started to shed more and more weights. My Asst. Pastor gave me this scripture (one I have known all too well over the past few months) that was already highlighted, bookmarked, AND annotated in my bible app- 

Philippians 4:6-8 (NIV)

"6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

It's amazing how you can read something, or hear something over and over and it impacts you, but only for a moment. Until one day, it rings truer than your own name. It gets in your spirit and your soul and your heart and your mind and takes up residence there, encompassing all you experience. 

I had someone whisper to me one Sunday after a particularly teary-eyed altar call: "Trust the process." Before that moment, I THOUGHT I was doing well in dealing with everything I had going on. God had been working some things and showing me things and I thought I was good. But I realized there was still doubt deep inside. I was uncertain not WHERE I was to go, but if I even WANTED to go there. That is a big deal for people to admit. Some of us KNOW what God can do and how he can get us there. Yet we want to do it our way, using our own map that is full of detours and pitfalls and layovers (and layunders... yeah I said it!) and roundabouts that we go around 4 & 5 times before we finally take our exit:

Hey kids, Big Ben... Parliament!

We put ourselves through so much and add extra, unnecessary miles to our journeys all because we don't know if we WANT to take the route layed out for us. We fear what it might take from us moreso than what it will give to us. We would rather trust the devil we know versus the God we don't know. (Let that marinate for a minute!!!) 

I'm gong to make this personal because as I write this, I am receiving clarity... none of this was mapped out I just decided to "Trust the process" this morning and all of this flowed from it! I was willing to remain in my sin, shame, anxiety, depression, stagnant place of complacency because it was familiar; I knew how to "be ok" with it. Even though I knew that God could take me out of it and I was praying to be rescued, I was afraid to walk through the door and be uncomfortable and have to get used to something new even though I was sure that this new thing would be better. How crazy is that? How many of us can honestly say that we are truly trusting the process? I'm still not there 100%, but it is getting easier everyday I take a step closer to that next door. In this time of uncertainty, God has allowed me to minister to others even as I am going through. It has, in return, built my trust of the process even more. 

I urge you all to trust the process. Whatever it may be in your life, take those faith steps and shed those things that are keeping you from getting to where God needs you to be. He needs you there. It's up to you how fast you get there. Just don't be afraid to go!

TRUST THE PROCESS!

Summer of Saying Yes And... (or 6 Hotels in 7 Weeks)

Summer has sped on by me. It's already the middle of August. And in retrospect, I have managed to squeeze in quite a lot of hang-outage with quite a few of my favorite people.

WEST VIRGINIA
My first trip was to West Virginny with my mom and my aunt. THAT was an adventure in itself because my aunt don't get out much...and she can be a little uuuuh, grumpy and not very adventurous. She stepped out of her box a few times, but was also the reason I didn't get to visit the limoncello distillery (I know, that totally sounds awesome, right!?!?) However, while in West Virginia, we shopped and ate great food and just enjoyed not having any real place to be or any real time to get there. You know food is always a HUGE part of my travels and this time was not exception. We visited the Bavarian Inn, had GREAT German food (mmmmmm, SCHNITZEL!) and a great view of the mountains.

While talking to a gorgeous couple at the Bavarian Inn, we found out there was a crafts festival just up the road the next day. We had a ball & we also enjoyed crab cakes from The Anvil and they were pretty tasty! I fell in love with Forks of Cheat Wines, especially their Van Buren & Blueberry wine... in fact I think I will have a glass right now... brb... *zips of to the wine fridge, pours a generous glass of Van Buren, zips back & commences typing* Now, where was I? Oh yes, WV wines & such. Well yeah, it's good and... *sips* ok, let's move on SHALL WE!?!? We ate breakfast each morning at the hotel because the Hampton Inn-Martinsburg had free waffles... can't beat that with a bat. And on Saturday evening I had a yummy cantalope margarita at the Texas Steakhouse.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!

On the way home we swung by the outlets to do some shopping for my nephew who is cooler than a polar bear's toenail, I tell you! All told, there were a few arguments but mostly good times!

What I learned: You can't travel with everyone and that's ok. But you also cannot and should not compromise the integrity of a great time because of one person or else you may miss out on something awesome like live music & limoncello!

HOME

Then I performed with the best church on the East Coast... The Community of Hope AME's Voices of Hope at the Safeway BBQ Battle. Most folks may not understand why this is a big deal, however... it's MAJOR because we are a church that is only 7 years old, but we were invited to sing GOSPEL on the same stage as legends of DC's own musical genre- GoGo! Y'alldonthearmedoe! I love my COH!! Beleeeeee dat!

NORTH EAST, MARYLAND

Next up, was the youth retreat at Sandy Cove. This was an amazing move of God because I learned so much while there. I had some internal conflict that I literally had to get down on my knees & pray about with tears streaming down my face. But once I did, I stood back & watched God work. There was a young lady whose mother initially did not want her to go on the retreat because she was acting up at home. A fellow youth leader and I encouraged her to let her go & all but promised it was for the best. Well, when I tell you that the young lady that came home was not the same young lady AT ALL... believe me! Due to the sensitive nature of the things that wenton at the retreat, I cannot go into much detail about this. But I had a room of 3 girls whom I ADORED and really enjoyed talking with them about college and life after HS! There was some conflict that some of our kids were being forced into, that they all successfully avoided. I was just so proud.

My chicas!

What I learned: Get out of God's way, some things aren't about you. And also, never underestimate the power of a good example. HALLELU!

HOME

That next weekend marked the last weekend for a member of our youth ministry. He was off to Cali for a one year program. We had a lovely brunch for him at Bar Code and ended it with a full on papparazzi style photo shoot outside the lounge.

Love you & miss you, Jeff!

I left there to go hang on the porch with my boo that moved to FL and only visits the area once every 2 years or something!

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

What can I say? New York is ALWAYS an adventure & this time was no exception! I traveled with the one & only MimiCuteLips & her cousin Ty. There was a party at the Doughnut Plant in Chelsea... Don't believe me, peep the receipt:

Michael said I'm fun! :-P

While having breakfast at our second fave breakfast spot just down the street (yes we had doughnuts AND breakfast... you mad??) we got a call that our room was ready. We checked into our room at the Four Points by Sheraton and didn't really think much of the room because we had stayed there previously. That was until we opened the window & saw.... 

The Empire State Building and the Chrysler building just to the right of it! SUHWEET!

We traipsed through the city all weekend long stopping at The Counter in Times Square... where we did some ungodly things to our burgers. 

We got us some Big Gay Ice Cream in the West Village... no pictures of that because, well... we DOGGED IT! Might I suggest the APPLE Gobbler though... 

pic from http://biggayicecream.com/

And I saw Nev & Max from Catfish... I mean how cool is that? 

Damn, they fine! S'cuse my language!

Sunday night we stumble upon a SWEET deal to see Wendy Williams in the musical Chicago! 

You see that squiggle there? it's Wendy's autograph!  How did I get it you ask? She signed it when we went to the Wendy WIlliams Show the very next day! I luh me some WENDY!

AND she shook my hand, hunty!

After that we got some bueeeeeeenooooo Italian grub at Il Bastardo. 

We got to see some of NY's Finest spring into action!

And DO THAT they did!

 And met up with my cousins for some firemen ogling and a group pic!

wecute!

After that we packed up on the crowded Megabus where I eavesdropped on some nerd's phone conversation  about his awesome weekend of beer & folk music *eyeroll* & texted it to Mimi.... because I'm immature! :-P

What I learned: It's okay to just be free. No plans, no schedule, no hurry. When you go with the flow, good things flow back to you... cool things happen... And also, always BE fun... people notice that type of thing! lol

WASHINGTON, DC

I live here, so why is this included? Because I stayed in a hotel in my hometown and had a ball. Hotel Rouge was the PERFECT place for us! (Cuz see rouge is french for red & my sorority colors are crimson & cream.... get it??) 

You may or may not know (or care) that I am a member of an AMAZING organization DELTA SIGMA THETA SORORITY, IIIIINCORPORATED!  We were founded in 1913 & this year marked our 100 year Anniversary! There were Deltas all over DC & I was one of them! I was working my 9-5 and participating in the meetings & services.... I was in the 500+ voice choir that ministered throughout the weekend AND I hosted some of my chapter sorors. I can't tell you everything that went down but here are the pictures I can share:

I witnessed high-powered women HUMBLED by the honor of being a Delta! That, to me was incredible!

I also went to Bar Code AGAIN! and introduced some of my sorors to the yummy goodness that is Lauriol Plaza!

What I Learned: Delta Sigma Theta chose me for a reason and I am recommitted to doin it big for Delta! Also, I love my linesisters so much and we have all learned to accept, respect and appreciate so much more about one another over the 14 years in the sisterhood (omg I am OLD). 

JAMAICA

It's paradise, without a doubt! I fell in love all over again... the resort, the staff, the food.... I need to go there every year! I have stayed at the Iberostar Grand Hotel Rose Hall once before and could not believe it was a real place! It looks just like the pictures and lives up to my idea of luxury and hospitality. We had butlers! BUTLERS! Every day we had pineapples delivered to our room & every night, we had champagne & pineapples delivered to our room.... we would get up, eat breakfast, laze about in the pool, eat lunch, laze around on our deck, eat lunch again, laze around in the pool, take showers, go to dinner... go for a late night dip in the private pools... and have a lazy good time. I actually went IN the ocean... I NEVER do that... sand gets all over errythang ifyouknowwhatImean...I have no pictures other than these few because I was too busy livin it up to pose!

What I Learned: Vacation isn't always about going, seeing, doing... or having the perfect beach body (I'm currently shaped like a  beach BALL). It's about relaxing, completely and totally... no judgement, now worries! They have a saying there: There are no problems, only situations!

RICHMOND, VA

Does that say RICHMOND, who goes to RICHMOND? yes, yes it does!I went to Richmond to meet up with one of the coolest, most understanding friends a girl could have! It was just for the day, I was gone about 25 hours total. But in that 25 hours, we had great conversation, great food and great laughs. We remembered what it was we loved about one another and made a vow to try to see one another more often. I also think we learned something new about one another.And we learned that we are both pretty greedy! Look at this food!

Breakfast Melt & Pork & Waffles from Station 2!

What I Learned: No matter how long you have known a person, you can always learn something new about them. And also a good friend will take your suggestions into consideration lol

Enjoy your life.... say yes MORE! Not to people asking you to do something FOR them... but to EXPERIENCES! I had my LIFE changed this summer in some ways that weren't even discussed here... I learned back in my days of improv to say: "YES, AND..." instead of "No, but..." Too many people want to decline opportunities & suggest things that make them feel more comfortable or just do nothing at all as life happens all around them. I am applying "YES, AND..." to my life. Accepting the opportunities life has to offer, that's the YES... adding more to it that's the AND...

I leave you with this:

It has nothing to do with this blog, but my nephew is just too stinkin CUTE to not get some shine!

Random Song of the Day: Sly & the Family Stone -(You Caught Me) Smilin

I have NO idea what he's saying... but this is the smoothest, happiest 3 minutes of Sly Stone you will ever hear. The horns make my heart swell... Don't be afraid to get caught smilin' today!

In Loving Memory

Recently, one of my customers passed away. I work in a customer service capacity for the government so I have regular customers that come to me about printing work. There are customers that are know-it-alls, there are customers that know NOTHING (even thought they have been working in their positions for years), and there are the customers that you don't mind going the extra mile for... She was one of those customers.

When we first herd she was sick, it was just a surgery. She came into the office weeks later not really looking herself. But her personality was still there. Like a sweet country aunt. Sometimes her paperwork was confused, she accepted that. Sometimes someone in her office was making a poor decision, she admitted that. always pleasant & always had a smile in her voice. Eventually she had started working from home more and more. but was still able to manage the workload with help from her co-workers. But eventually it took it's toll and now she has gone on to glory. And people all over the building are sad & sullen because of this loss.

It makes me want to know how people will react to my death. This is not a morbid or depressing thing. This is a what will my life say about me once I am no longer here to live it? Will people all over the building be sad? Will co-workers walk around somberly at my absence? Will people speak positive things about me & smile?

Or will they just say "mm"? Or cut their eyes at each other like "oh well, one less jackass in the bldg"? I can only hope that people remember me fondly and fondly as I remember her. And smile through the tears as they think about my smile.

Who Do You THINK You Are??

Are you pretty? Beautiful? Fabulous? Thick? Skinny? Chubby? Adorable?

How do YOU see you? How do YOU feel about YOU?

We all have our bad days.... your hair is a mess, your clothes are a lil wrinkled, you didn't get enough sleep last night. But those days should NOT last weeks or years or lifetimes. You gotta love you enough to SHOW that you are the baddest, meanest, fiercest thing on this PLANET EARTH regardless of what someone else might think.

No one WANTS to be lonrly... but in order to get beyond the loneliness you must first enjoy being alone. If YOU can't stand YOU how and why would you expect anyone else to? I said it before & I'll say it again:
Change your mind & change your life!

It's not that easy, but it IS that simple... Do you have an anthem? a theme song? some theme music? something that speaks to how YOU see you... something that makes you feel like the fabulousest thing on the road? I certainly do! My Anthem is Bad Mama Jama by Carl Carlton & my theme music is Westchester Lady by Bob James they both speak to my inner Maxine Rosewater (my 70s disco diva alterego).

Don't worry about what you DON'T have... there are folks who have less & yet are getting more out of life because they workin what they got! SO WORK THAT THANG! Your long sleeved shirts don't button no more??? toss on a tank top underneath & don't button the shirt... put on your gaudiest, chunkiest of necklaces and DARE someone to notice your backfat! Pants too small??? Zip em up as far as they will go, pin em together if you have to, throw on a cute long sweater &  an arm full of bracelets & SHAKE THE WORLD UP!

GET. YOUR. LIFE. If you find it hard... get out a pad of sticky notes... write some affirmations down and put them all over your mirror... your house.. your car... your office... They can be words, phrases, bible verses... anything to remind you to be beautiful inside and out... manifest it in all you do. how you walk. how you talk. how you eat. how you post on FB, Twitter, instagram. (not that thirsty mess either... that's a whole other ball of wax!)

Grab yourself by the collar... get in your own face... SHAKE YOURSELF... and say "GET YOUR ISH TOGETHER! YOU TOO FLY FOR THIS!"

Then put on some fly clothes, put a smile on ya face, style ya hair, fix ya face up a lil somethin, turn on your theme music... go forth and BE fly! THE FLYEST EVER! FLYER THAN A 747!

BOOM! BANG! POW!

Mid-FEBRUARY Already! I MUST be Dreaming!

The months have been FLYING by for me. I have performed in a step show, survived an anxiety-filled Christmas, had a birthday, and celebrated my beau's birthday all while singing in the choir, participating in an ACTIVE youth ministry & being a full-time grad student. Life has been going on & on & on & on...

This can be a good thing. But it becomes a bad thing when the highs seem stratospherically high & the lows are subterraneanly low! Self-care is imperative! I realize this & sometimes have no time for it at the length it "need be"...

I am in school to become  a licensed professional counselor. "What do that mean, Bri?" It means I need a good therapist! Behind every good therapist, is a good therapist! My life is changing and I really don't understand it all. What I DO understand is I need a better understanding of myself, my motives, my situations, my emotions, my wants & NEEDS. I think I know at least 1 thing I need: A BREAK!

But from what? friends? family? work? school? the ministry? my surroundings? my own thoughts? my reality?

I have an imagination that rivals some of the greatest in the entertainment industry, I promise. So, in my head, I have seen and done a lot of people, places, and things... Wait I didn't mean it like that, or did I? Just kidding... not really.

I have seen my future in a million ways and each way has been more awesome than the one before it. But imagination can be misleading because there are a lot of things that have to go on in the present to enable those dreams to come true in the future. Many times, we are not in control of these things and THIS makes me nervous. This nervousness turns to anxiety & if I am not careful, that anxiety may turn into PANIC! Then, the men in the white jackets need to be called... if I don't take that little white pill. I'm not rambling here. There really is a little white pill that you can take when you are anxious that turns your anxiety down SO LOW, you run out of G.A.S. (give a sh*t- pardon my francais!).

So back to the control issue... I cannot control other people. I may be able to persuade them, but I cannot control them. (And I hate manipulators so that is out of the question.) So I have to trust that those people will do right by me. But what is right? Especially since so much of my future is swirling around getting mixed and mashed up in my head. Even my dreams at night seem real, no matter how strange, I still wake up thinking they are plausible. I mean who wouldn't be ok with having a robot version of themselves filling in for them at work while you take a trip to the moon on a Virgin Galactic rocket with your sisterwives & brotherhusbands?? I mean REALLY! TO THE MOOOON, BABY!

picture from http://www.virgingalactic.com/assets/img/overview/spaceships/banner.jpg



So what am I talking about here? A clear head, a sober mind, a focused vision and a word from the Lord. Oh yeah and a VACATION... not to the MOON... but maybe to the Bahamas... or SOMETHING! and DEFINITELY not on a cruise, cuz apparently those don't end well these days! EEK!

Y'all enjoy what is left of your February and try to stay out of "TROUBLE" tomorrow... ifyaknowatImean!

The Mediocrity of Holiday Weeks (A Food Post [Actually it's a Rant])

Gobble Gobble & what not!

I am heading to my grandmother's house in VA on Thursday. WOW it's Thanksgiving ALREADY!??!

While I am looking forward to being with family & sharing thanks & MOST importantly eating GOOD on Thursday... I would LIKE to eat good today, tomorrow & Wednesday. But that doesn't seem to be in the cards around these parts.

Normally, the food in the cafeteria in my building is pretty good... passable.... not a place for a hot date or anything, but it'll get you through the day with no regrets (if you know what I mean). They make baked chicken that is GREAT though. I don't know what they put on it or in it, but it's good stuff. I went up there today to gitmesummmm & lo & behold they had fried chicken, bbq chicken & jerk chicken. I didn't ask them for all that! So there go my plans of baked chicken & fried okra- the latter of which I didn't even look for because there was no baked chicken! I go over to the grill & they have one lil container of fries that I am almost certain had been sitting for a while and/or coughed on because the fries usually go QUICK! I saw that the dude was going to drop more fries so at first I was going to wait and maybe grab a burger & fries. Then I saw some lady touching all the bacon cheeseburgers. Sure they were wrapped, but the IDEA of some lady pawing my food before my very eyes & passing it up as if it wasn't good enough for HER- a food toucher- but it was ok for me, turned me all the way off. I wasn't in the mood for anything from the food stations where the food is cooked fresh. CORRECTION, I wasn't in the mood to wait at any of the food stations. And eating off the salad bar after 11:30 is a SURE way to catch foot & mouth disease or Swine flu!

I left the cafeteria & went to the by the pound place near my office. WHYDIDIDOTHAT!??! Everything in there was picked over. The turkey looked like vultures ate it. What was left of the bulgogi looked like it had been previously eaten. They had scooped the whole middle out of the mac & cheese. All the fruit looked sad & pale. By this time, I didn't even CARE if they had my fave sammige as the daily special because I had basically lost my appetite for ANYTHING they were serving.

from http://noshtalgia.blogspot.com/2007/11/may-i-please-have-your-turkey-carcass.html

Clearly these places were trying to use up all the food they had on hand between now & Wednesday because they essentially will be closed or on TRICKLE for 4 days. But why must I be the one to suffer!?!? huh? WHY ME!??! huh?  I realize this happens every year around this time, butI'msayin... I am irritable today & I want what I want. No place was able to give me that... & because of this, I am disappointed. I'm leaving early so I can eat a decent lunch & take a nap... cuz CLEARLY I am cranky & sleepy!