Back to SKEWL!

Summer is over, y'all!

Over the last few weeks my timeline has been full of pics of my people's kids with their adorable first day of school looks...

Well, here is mine!






I feel JUST like my man Rodney! I am nearing the end of my first quarter in my PhD program and I am asking myself "why is you doing this?" Then I picture the life I want to live int he next few years and get back to the books. Most of my Friday blogging time is spent researching for a class or my dissertation. Ok I'm lying. Most of that time is spent goofing off on FB and pretending to catch up on work that my brain did not have the capacity for during the week. These last 9 weeks have been a test of my patience, organization, and general wherewithal because folks from all aspects have been trying it!

My first week I got into it with a little Miss know-it-all from class. By "got into", I mean she tried to flex her academic pecs (quite poorly, I might add) and I responded with my best academic clapback which included "it would stand to reason" which is academic-speak for "THINK, YOU DUMMY!" From then on, I had only one other incident with her. I know that she was fuuuuming when the professor posted her weekly feedback to the class and I was the onliest one who got praise! I felt like Violet Beauregard when she was talking about her gum-chewing rival:

HI, CORNELIA, HOW ARE YOU, SWEETIE!

There, of course,  have been incidents and run-ins with people's sons not being respectful. This includes somebody's uncle that keeps calling and texting me after refusing to stop referring to me as babygirl, which I asked him to do less than 24 hours before he did it again.



No, you're not missing anything. No, I did not delete my responses. This conversation ended on August 11th when he reluctantly agreed to stop calling me babygirl, strike 1 AND 2. Then doing it again the day we were supposed to go out. Yes, that is a voicemail he left for me sounding as if he was about to file a missing persons report. *sigh*

Lastly, I have some big news! *drumroll* Ok, I lied. Life has been pretty boring and I have been doing my best to avoid undue stress which is why I haven't watched the news in over 2 months. I see what comes across my timeline and I will stop at my co-worker's door to briefly glimpse at CNN, but I no longer tune into the local AM or PM news and listen to the endless cycle of TURRBLENESS that spews forth from this administration. It's been so peaceful! I am on vacation from the world,  y'all... the whole, wide world. Bubble life!

credit: http://shannoneileenblog.typepad.com/.a/6a0120a5c8d9a9970c013488242c9f970c-pi?_ga=2.109488901.1282162731.1536350116-799813132.1536350116

That picture is the perfect visual for how I have been feeling. I have stepped my trolling game up on my own page. I now just repost anti-patriarchal/ misogyny messages from other sources without comment and step back to see what color they gonna put on the wall like Miss Celie. Several folks have unfriended me over the weeks! And to that I say: "Oh well, they're lost!" (misspellings intentional... that's FB speak lol)

In the meantime, in between time, I have been showered with love and support from my friends and family. And for that, I am eternally grateful. This weekend I will be holed up in the house or maybe at my fave workspace busting out a paper where I am the subject. It was threatening to cause me existential crisis, but instead, I chilllllled. 

Y'all keep fighting the good fight and love on your peoples!

This Ain't The Walking Dead, Sir

Hey, listen. First, let's agree The Walking Dead has been trash for several years. The plot is a mess & the zombies' actions are inexplicable and inconsistent. (remember that, it's important!)

Now, let's talk about zombies. Relationship zombies. These are the people who come back from the dead after relationship ghosting (never calling or texting again after being serious for an extended period of time) or blowing up the relationship and themselves along with it and acting as if nothing happened.

Over the past 3 weeks or so, this has happened to me and my ladies SEVERAL times. All these planets in retrograde have y'all out here cutting up! And I will not abide it! Stop doing this. I implore you. In each instance, the woman involved expressed her feelings about the relationship in a way that was calm and direct and in each instance, the dude had in some way faded away without acknowledging the feelings, thrown a tantrum (yes, y'all a tantrum complete with a "you're not my friend anymore"-adjacent response), or acted out so badly there was no sense in trying to set things right.

via GIPHY

Sirs, if this is you, I urge you to seek therapy. As I stated in my tweet last week: You cannot keep throwing tantrums or ghosting or acting out and then coming back days, weeks or months later to "check on" her as if you've done no harm. This is not okay. This is not an apology. This is not an acknowledgment of your poor behavior. This is not a kind gesture. This is toxic behavior that only seeks to ease your own mind at someone else's expense.

We cannot continue treating people who mean us no harm poorly and excuse it away because "that's just how I am". A refusal to do the emotional work is a refusal to mature into a healthy, introspective person. An unwillingness to address, apologize for and ameliorate your wrongdoing is an unwillingness to acknowledge that you view the individual as a human being with feelings. This doesn't mean, blow things up now and apologize later. This means admit you have blown things up in the past and you are going to seek therapy to prevent the situation from happening again.

So to the relationship zombies that refuse to stay dead, if you must reach out to someone let that someone be a therapist. Otherwise, please cease & desist.

#DontDoThis- Foot and Furniture Foolishness

Y'all I'm a day late, but here we go... (All caps in this story are because I am, in fact, YELLING!) 

You would think that with the last date I posted about and the story I am about to relay that I:
A- am LYING... I can't blame you cuz if this stuff had not happened to me, I would think I was lying too!
2- would STOP going to this spot altogether... cuz PEOPLE!

So here's the scene: I'm at my neighborhood hangout/work space... I cannot do school work from home because I am too tempted to do EVERYTHING else. I had been there since 11 AM working on a paper that was due the next day. It's about 5 PM, I'm sitting on the far left side of the couch minding my business. There is one girl in the second chair on the left side of the LARGE table reading a book. The couch facing me is empty, the chaise to the right of me is empty (remember that it's important).

I am on the final section of a 7 page paper that was 0 pages at the beginning of the day, when it happens... this lady walks in, walks by the 2 empty couches and flops down next to me. I looked at her like "why, ma'am?" She smiles at me and says she just needs to plug in her laptop. The power strip my laptop was plugged into was behind me to the left. She was sitting to the right. It was at this time I pointed to the empty couch to the right and informed her there was an outlet on the floor directly in front of that couch. She made a huge dramatic event out of "looking" for this giant metal circle in the floor similar to you instructing a toddler to hand you something directly in front of them & they are looking leaning over and looking past it repeating "Where? Wherrrrrre? Whhheeere?" She does not take the hint and begins to unpack her things anyway. If you know nothing else about me, know that my ignore game is strong, my observational skills are stronger and my foolery detector is even strongerer. So while I wasn't responding to her, I saw and heard what was going on and I could feeeeeeel something brewing.

My paper was on exploring sexuality at middle age and I had one of the articles on full display on my laptop screen. She leaned over and said: "Excuse me," I took my headphones out of one ear and look at her with a blank face, "I don't mean to be nosy..." (TOO LATE!) "but are you writing a book?" I tell her in the driest, I'm-not-here-to-people voice I can muster that I am writing a paper that is due tomorrow. I cut her one last lemme lone look and turn back to my paper. She is officially on my watchlist now. The girl to my left looks up at her & then back down at her book.

The waiter comes over and she asks him for hot water and lots of sugar. Yes, she did what you think she did. As the waiter walked away she pulled some Royal Cup tea packets out of her bag. She was about to start making her own tea! This is when her cavalcade of foolishness commenced.

The waiter returns with a mug of hot water and a handful of sugars. She balks! She reaches over to MY KETTLE and says "I want one of these!" and holds it up.  At this point I was convinced she was dealing with a mental health issue because who does any of this? I was done with the thing anyway, but SERIOUSLY!?!? The waiter says okay & hands her the sugars. She hands him the brown sugar packets that were in the container on the table and tells him he can take them. He informs her he has to leave them on the table. He leaves to get her kettle. The girl to my left look up at her & then back down at her book. I keep typing FURIOUSLY to complete this paper, because.... When the waiter returns with the kettle, she demands a plate and a spoon. But she says it as if she was insulted that he would not provide her a full tea service- kettle, mug, napkin, & lemon on a plate- for her tea that she likely took from her job's kitchen. The girl to my left looks up at her & then back down at her book. I continue typing.

Finally satisfied, she picks up her laptop which she still hasn't PLUGGED IN, Y'ALL! And she pulls out THIS book:

Here's part of the blurb from Amazon on this unreviewed book: "You're surrounded by ruined dreams and shattered aspirations. Enemies attack you from without and within. Welcome to Nehemiah's world. This humble servant of God fought against overwhelming odds and prevailed. In Rebuilding What the Enemy Almost Destroyed Pastor Paul Sheppard shares practical insights for rebuilding your life and reclaiming peace and joy. Paul Earl Sheppard has been preaching since his teens and has been in pastoral ministry since 1982."

Prior to her arriving, a friend of mine had joined me and we had 2 laptops, 2 phones, tea service and food spread out on this side of the table. After I turned the brightness down on my phone screen- because she was obviously watching what I was doing- and started texting said friend, I noticed that the space on my side of the table was decreasing. At one point my phone was nearly resting on her book. It was time to go! But I was putting the finishing touches on the paper and did not want to stop working because I knew when I went home it was a wrap for doing any work.

The waiter came back and she finally ordered some food. Before he could even get her order down, she says to him in the same annoyed voice she's been speaking to him in this whole time, "Utensils! Please!" The girl to my left looked up at her & then back at her book. A few minutes go by and the lady seems to be chilling. Then out of the blue, I heard her say, "You know, I was thinking...."  to no one in particular. I think she THOUGHT she was talking to me, but I refused to take my eyes off my screen. She never finished her statement and I never acknowledged her. 

Just as I had gotten back in my groove, she took her shoes off! Y'ALL! Y'ALL! Y'AAAALLLLLLLUH! And as if that wasn't bad enough, she swung her feet around, BRUSHED MY LEG as she tucked her feet under her on the couch! The devil on my left shoulder was like, "OH, TELL HER YOU NOT HERE FOR THE GAMES! She over here playin in your FACE!" The angel on my right shoulder told me to show compassion, so I only gave her the death glare. She laughed it off and said something akin to "I got you, girl!" (huh?) but did not say excuse me. The  girl to my left looked up at her &  then back down at her book. IT WAS TIME TA GO! I started typing up the last sentences of my conclusion as she pulled a large scarf from her bag, flung it out near me & tucked herself in like she was finna take a nap! Mind you there were still two empty couches one of which was a CHAISE LOUNGE! She could've gotten as comfortable as she pleased on ANY of them. I was thinking this is a test... this is a test! She moved around a bit & her feet touched me again. The devil on my left shoulder was screaming: "CUSS HER OUT! CUSS THIS BIH OUT!" The angel on my right shoulder was whispering softly: "Where is your empathy? You're a therapist. Remain calm." I was on the highest of alerts by now but I had to finish. Or DID I? 

Spoiler alert: I didn't! Right as I was about to start the reread, y'all she started laughing to herself. And not softly. The girl to my left looked up at her & back down at her book. Something in that laugh caused the angel and the devil to be on one accord as they both screeeeeamed in my ear: "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" I hit Ctrl+S on my keyboard and slammed my computer shut.  I reached over to unplug my computer and shoved everything down in my bag. I slid past the girl on my left  and walked out without looking back.

The next day, I am telling the story and my sister's friend asks me what she looked like. I described her and she asks me about a very particularly noticeable feature. I confirm. She tells me that she has seen her before laughing and talking to herself in other public places. 

Monday, I am go back to the restaurant because I pretty much live there now. As my friends and I are wrapping up dinner at one of the tables by the door, she walks in! She goes over to the couch & sits in the exact spot I was in on Saturday, leaves her shoes on and works quietly. My friends looked at me like I was lying about that being her. She left before we did and as she was leaving, I looked down but saw her smile and wave at my friend. Y'all, I think she just wanted her seat! 

via GIPHY

Don't Do This- Detrimental Dating Decorum

Y'all! I went on a date Sunday with a dude that flew in from the midwest. When he first reached out to me online it said he was in Baltimore which was already a "maybe" for me because me & men from Baltimore just shouldn't, EVER!

I show his pic to a friend and she says she knows of him. She gives me his full name and I look him up on the 'Book and see that he is not in Baltimore at all. I ask my friend about it and she confirms he is not from Baltimore and even checks his page for me to see if he maybe moved or something. She tells me he seems cool, but that he has said things that may raise a yellow flag. I ask him about where he lives and he tells me he is actually in the midwest and I'm all, no thanks I don't do long distance. And he's all not respecting my wishes like: "I can fly to you!" (remember that, it's important). So, I give him my burner number, because safety. He texts and calls and I'm not really feeling any kind of way about him. He mentions coming to the area and I told him that I was leaving town for nearly a week that week. He says we can do dinner on that Sunday. I say okay and then totally forget until he tells me he landed. OOPSIE!

He asks me where I want to meet. I tell him and I guess he looked up the address and said that would work. He calls me just before we are supposed to meet and asks to push the time back an hour. The spot is right near me so I am fine with it and laze about in the bed for another 30 minutes. I get to the spot and I am seated already when he walks in. I knew he was a big guy, but his pics underrepresented his size. I'm not trying to fat shame so I'm going to leave it at that. The important thing is that his shirt was terribly wrinkled. He sits down and we start chatting and looking over the menu. This spot has typical restaurant fare as well as vegan and vegetarian options. He looks over the menu and asks: "What kind of place did you bring me to?" I looked at him with the WTH? face.

He is asking me if I'd been on any good dates. I tell him no and tell him about the dude that didn't order anything and laughed when the bill came and I asked if I was supposed to pay. But in the middle of the story, the waitress comes by and he interrupts me to flag her down. He asks her for cheese fries, y'all! This isn't TGI Friday or Chili's! There aren't any cheese fries on the menu. But he makes her bring him fries and cheese sauce without asking me if I wanted an appetizer. The waitress (who had the same name as me) looked at me and gave me the quick eyes wide look. I shot her a IDK face and she walked away to put in his order. He then turns to me and says "Sorry, go ahead. I just needed to order something to take the edge off." Y'all. Y'all!

During this time, I apologize profusely about using my phone and explain to him that I am the point of contact for the trip the next day and people are messaging me and texting me about it. That was false! I was giving my aforementioned friend a blow by blow because I was truly disturbed. So we continue talking and I ask him what brings him to the area. Mind you we had this discussion that I was not going to be in town that week. And he also said he had a cousin here or something. His reply this time was: "I came to see you." But I definitely asked him before he arrived why he was coming and that was not what he said the first time.  He followed up with: "Because I knew you weren't going to come see me." The snark in his voice almost flipped my bitch-switch. Remember when I told you that I already told him that I don't do long distance relationships and he walked right on around that? Yeah, so this hint of sarcasm in his reply was frustrating to say the least.

The waitress comes to take our order and I get the catfish. (See what I did there?) He says he'll have the same. The waitress then informs him that the catfish is not deep fried. She glances at me, I say I know. He is not pleased with that. He's all oh no no no, let me get a burger then. As he's looking at the burgers, the waitress describes the lamb burger to him as an option. He looks disgusted and says: "That must be some east coast stuff." I say: "Actually it's Mediterranean." He says: "That's even farther east!" The waitress gives me the "Oh, girl!" look. I look down at my phone. He orders a burger with pickles only and a side of mayo. Then he asks the waitress what sides they had. She runs through them and he asks about mashed potatoes and gravy. She tells him TWICE they don't have gravy. He then resigns himself to the idea of ordering more fries. At this point, he tells me about his adoration for potatoes and runs through a list of his faves like Bubba in Forrest Gump. (That part may not have actually happened like that, but by this time I felt like I was in a movie or on Punk'd or something, so my mind may have added that particular part to the story.) The food comes and his table manners are atrocious. I'm ready to go home, but that catfish was some kinda good.

The bill comes and I'm sitting there with my arms folded. He reads this as me hoping he pays the bill and jokes about it. In my head I'm like I spent 3 digits in a steakhouse on Friday just because, aint nobody worried about who finna pay for your cheese fries! He says something about me sending him an evaluation of the date because dating is his craft. SIR? SIR! Sir...... I groan out an "Oh, really?" That's when it happened.... He starts talking about women going into hiding and coming out around 40 trying to get married. I tell him that I was not hiding. He says you're not 40. I say I will be next year. He's confused because he thought I was younger. He says oh well, I know you are trying to have a baby REAL soon. Me: No, I'm not. I can't have children. *death stare* Him: what about adoption or in vitro? Y'all! I tell him I am not going to talk about this with you and tell him I am ready to leave. He offers to walk me to my car. As we are walking to my car he asks why I parked so far. Y'all, it was the actual parking lot for the restaurant. I chose to park there instead of on the street. As I am walking to the car, he cuts across the street instead of walking to the corner without telling me. I am standing at my car with my hand on the handle and he reaches in to awkwardly give me a hug. I get in the car and he walks off. I never bothered to correct him on his behavior because I could tell he was not the type to comprehend his shortcomings. (remember that, it's important)

I call my friend immediately and recount the date. She is horrified and apologetic because she thought his yellow flag posts were just to get people talking. But apparently he believes his own bull. As I am heading into the house my friend says: "Girl, he just posted about you!" and sends me this screenshot:

Y'ALL!
1- what "rule" is this???
B- How oblivious do you have to be to not think that your personality and decorum on the date was the catalyst and not some imaginary lack of manners?

She watched the post and sent me some replies for entertainment purposes. I really started to send the screenshot to him, but realized he was not worth it. She and another mutual friend tried to get him to self-reflect but he was not having it!

Then the next day he posts that he will soon be crowning the last woman standing. Whomever she is, God bless her because he is a PHILISTINE!

Superhero, Super Strength, Super Over It!

THANK YOU, Therese Patricia Okoumou!

In an era of thumb thugging and social media activism, Therese put her body on the line. She kicked the Abolish ICE protest up a notch on July 4th and thousands (probably millions) missed the point. People admonishing her for disrupting people's good time pretending that the Statue of Liberty was still the beacon of hope in the harbor it used to be. As it stands now, in this current state of America, Lady Liberty is a liar. People being separated from their children for seeking asylum. People being deported en masse. People who believed in the promise of the United States are having their beliefs shattered... natural born citizens included.

One African immigrant brought international attention to this. and for that she was both deified and vilified. And honestly, I am tired of it. Women of color have been stepping up to the plate, saying what needs to be said, doing what needs to be done and either left on a pedestal alone or knocked down, beaten and tossed under the bus by the very people for whom they were fighting (See Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and The Honorable Maxine Waters). I'm over it.

Throughout my life I have been the voice of what everyone was thinking. But time and again I was met with fake shock that I would say that and once I even remember a room full of people actually looking away when I said what we had already agreed needed to be said. I'm over it.

In the shadow of this event, a black male veteran of these United States chastised women for "being naked" in the midst of a heatwave with indexes upwards of 100 degrees. He basically said they deserved to be disrespected because apparently "being naked" in the midst of  a heatwave is an open invitation. In his mind, there is no weather warm enough to warrant bandeaus and booty shorts. Black women should use their super strength to bear the heat in more clothes and if they do not, they should use that super strength to defend themselves in the face of harassment because he was not coming to your rescue. this vet who fought for freedom made it clear it did not include the freedom to dress as you please and be able to do so without harassment. I'm over it.

As always, this is not what I intended to write on so this may be all over the place but let me say this:
Black women are not your superheroes. Black women are tired of saving your day, speaking your piece and being left to take the heat alone. Black women are tired of advocating for people's rights, taking stands against the system and being told we will not be protected. I'm over it.

Please note that Therese's protest was not a "planned" part of the Abolish ICE demonstration as the other protesters were quick to point out.... also, this is not Therese's first protest in the name of discrimination!

THANK YOU, Therese Patricia Okoumou!

Discernment, Intuition, Self-Sabotage & GI Joe

I have always felt that I have both the gift of discernment and can be quite intuitive as it relates to other people. I was always able to tell my friends upon meeting a new person: "I don't like them, not sure why." And later it would come out that the person was actually a pile of garbage wearing nice clothes. But for the life of me, I could not figure out why I couldn't use it on myself. As it turns out, I can! Yaaaaay! But they only alert me to negative situations. Boooo! - Another fine "Yay! Boo! Moment brought to you by My Life

For instance, the day I told my friend about this guy that was pursuing me, Jazmine Sullivan's Let It Burn was playing and I picked up on it at the chorus. (Call me crazy but I think I found the love of my life). Fast Forward a few months later, he and I are riding in awkward silence and the song comes on again in his car. I'd been feeling like it was the beginning of the end but I had been praying for clarity. So when it came on I'm thinking why THIS song at THIS moment? Knowing what I know now, I realize it was a bookend.

Then there was the guy that every time I would see him, I'd have butterflies in my stomach. I thought it was excitement! Turns out the butterflies were telling me: Molly, you in danger, girl!

I used to be the Queen of cut and run. Not ghosting. But any sign of uncertainty from someone's son and I was like: I'm good, luv. Enjoy! I am sure somewhere among my various blogs here and on Myspace I talk about being a self-saboteur. I was so terrified of looking dumb or getting played in my mid-20s that I was playing defense so hard to the point I was playing offense as well. I made a conscious effort to be more patient, understanding and open.... Y'all can read back through these blogs and see how that turned out.

So, while I'm no longer planning to actively sabotage. I am definitely going to trust my gut more often. While it sucks to think that my gifts are currently only honed to sniff out trouble, at least now I know....

19 Days: How My Cable Box Outed My Depression

I started a blog weeks ago called Blogging from a Good Place.... and never completed it for, well reasons. May is Mental Health Awareness month and I am just acknowledging that I spent the first half of this month unaware of my mental health. *sigh*

I have fallen into the social media trap of making things look good. Even my sadness had hope. But that is not always the case. I was concerned about putting my anxiety on display for public consumption because I know there are people out there that would feed off of it. I realize that keeping that under wraps is inaunthentic and goes against who I want to believe I am and who I strive to be.
So, I will say this now. I have been having quite a battle with depression lately.

It was functional. If you weren't my mama or my closest friends you probably would not have known. I even tried to overlook it myself until one day about 2 weeks ago I sat down in my living room, turned on my tv and there it was staring me in my face, indisputable evidence of my depressed condition. My cable box has a power-save mode and when you turn it on, it tells you how long it's been in power-save mode. There it was on digital display, a numeric breakdown of how long I've been in this depression. 460+ hours.... That's 19 days. (full disclosure I was out of town a FEW of those days, but that was almost in the middle of those days, so it still counts... keep reading)

That's 19 days of me coming home, bypassing my living room and getting directly in the bed. That's 19 days of me laying in bed until it was time to be somewhere. That's 19 days of me not cooking dinner while watching DVR or TV or Netflix or listening to Pandora. That's 19 days of me convincing myself I was just exhausted and needed more rest. That's 19 days of a gray cloud in my home that I had convinced myself did not exist. I was still going out with friends and laughing and joking and fulfilling my duties at all of my jobs. But I was going to church on those Sundays and feeling so heavy and uncertain that people took notice. I thank God for those people who, at the time were upsetting me by constantly hugging me and asking if I was okay. Those people were a reminder that I was seen and I did not have to deal with this alone. I know that now, but then, I was annoyed!

I was also supposed to be in a new relationship (that's a story I may or may not ever tell here). But know that the way that relationship was going was a catalyst for this 19 days. Uncertainty, misunderstanding, poor communication and what boils down to emotional manipulation are not a great mix for newfound like.

So there I was on my couch a few weekends ago staring at my depression on digital display. I was thinking to myself, "Oh honey, no. This is not okay!" But it made sense. I was ignoring the signs and downplaying the symptoms and explaining away the cause. But my DVR was like, "Nah, girl, you need to see this."

Sometimes we can overlook depression because it's not manifesting physically. Because we can still wake up every morning and get dressed and put on make up and go out into the world, we think we're fine. Because we are only crying on Sunday and maybe for about 5 minutes on Thursday, we think we're fine. Because we still have an appetite and a desire to go out with our friends, we think we're fine. Because we still want to live life and be hopeful, we think we're fine. However, it's the little things that let you know you aren't as fine as you are convincing yourself you are. And you know you are convincing yourself because otherwise you wouldn't have been able to explain anything away because there would be nothing to explain.

Don't be fooled into thinking that depression (or a depressive episode) looks a certain way.

It's not always:

• laying in bed crying everyday- I only cried about 4 times over that 19 days and only twice did it occur in bed. 
• hiding from everyone and wanting to be alone- I was everywhere I was supposed to be and then some!
• leaving out of your house looking a mess- I was still out in these streets cute as ever... hair done, nails done, everything did! 

Sometimes it's:

• the constant feelings of fatigue- going from the front door to the bed everyday for 19 days. 
• persistent anxiety- I woke up almost every morning feeling nauseated, I even threw up a few times.
• being hard on yourself- I was blaming myself for any and everything that was going wrong personally and professionally.
• trouble focusing- my mind was much like my current Chrome browser, 20 tabs open at once. But my brain was clicking through them all in random order at random times!
• irritability- I was more agitated than usual, if you can believe that. I was ready to quit jobs and people. Full disclosure- I unfriended, unfollowed and muted several people during this time for various reasons.

These are just a few of the things I was experiencing and ignoring or suppressing or explaining away until my DVR called me out. I leaned on a few people to lift myself up: my mama, my God, my therapist, my girls, and my primary care physician. I'm still climbing out of the dimness that was threatening to turn into darkness. 

Pay attention to what your body is telling you. Pay attention to what the universe is telling you. Sometimes the message comes from the cable box!

I urge you to get the medication, get the therapy, get the hugs, get the sage, get the prayer, get the help! 

(side note: there was a graphic I found to go with this about Mental Health Awareness but there was a typo on it so I decided not to use it because, I don't play that! lol)

Still Tired!

Y'all I wanna cry!
via GIPHY

It's coming today, I can feel it.

Life just trudges along and sometimes it draaaaags you with it. All your worry and second-guessing and uncertainty and exhaustion. You have to just believe that it'll be all good in the end. But your plan isn't always God's plan and God's plan can seem convoluted just when you think you have it figured out.

Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." And I try to remember this as the pit of worry in my stomach seems to grow. They say you can't pray and worry, but they also know how difficult that is or they wouldn't have had to come up with the saying in the first place. I don't have no solutions, y'all! I'm in the thick of it and all I can do is keep going. I can't let it keep me down. I know that others are going through something similar.

Y"all keep going. Call your people. Seek wise counsel. Take a nap. Cry it out. Keep going!

Apologizin' is Hard to Do

The great Peter Cetera and David Foster penned a song for the band Chicago called "Hard to Say I'm Sorry" in which he expresses regret and promises to love, but admits it was hard for him to say those words. He even says that he really wants to say "I'm sorry". But he doesn't ever truly apologize.

When you say, "I'm sorry" to my friend's mom, she says, "Don't be sorry, be better." It may seem cold, but it's important to understand that an apology should ALWAYS come with a change in behavior. Otherwise, you're just sorry- in a pitiful state. An apology is an expression of regret.

Choose your words carefully. Saying "I apologize if"... is dismissive and shows you have little to no concern for the person's feelings. Saying "I apologize that"... demonstrates that you are aware that your actions had a negative impact on the person. Anita models a pretty good apology in her song "I Apologize". She says she is wrong, admits to being unkind and promises to do better in the future.

It is never easy to admit your wrongdoing. But it is freeing. It frees up your spirit and allows you to let go of the guilt you feel. That guilt that has you still torturing  the person you harmed by pretending nothing ever happened or that you were not to blame.

I have talked about apologies on an occasion or two because I want to believe that people will eventually understand that that hostility you feel toward certain people dissipates once you specifically acknowledge your wrongdoing and do what is necessary to make the necessary changes in you so that it does not happen again. Allowing your guilt to fester and turn into resentment for the person you harmed is not a healthy coping mechanism. DO THE WORK!

Image from: http://archive.lyza.com/2008/11/10/letterpress-i-apologize-cards/index.html

Black Woman Burn Out

I'm tired, y'all... I need a vacation.

from: http://clutchmagonline.com/2016/01/open-thread-do-you-ever-feel-tired-of-being-black/

I've been so busy doing so much for so long... I haven't even posted a new blog.

But I have got to get back to it. So here's my beef today. I am tired of feeling like I have to defend everything anti-Black & everything misogynistic & everything dumb, stupid, ignorant and majorly ridiculous. I am unable to sit idly by and watch foolishness occur aorund me, but then I run the risk of being the angry black woman.

It's exhausting and I'm frankly tired & getting burnt out! BURNT, you hear me?

With that being said, I am keeping my commitment to ME to keep blogging. But also I need a vacation, so that needs to happen sooner rather than later. With every news story about y'all president and every FB post referring to Black women as "females" (when based on context clues you KNOW they meant bitches), I grow more and more weary. But I cannot give up on helping the world be better one response, conversation, blog post at a time. I was told that some of my blog posts are out there but I'll be that because this is the world as I experience it.

Just know that for now, I will be taking it a lil bit easier because I'm tired.

In the meantime, check out my friend Cheryl Giscombe's work on this subject:

Don't Do This: Pro-Black Insomnia (or Too Woke)

Hey, y'all! Let me start this off by saying I don't cuss people out no more. (Thank God for Jesus!) These days I just hold up a mirror until they get mad at their own reflection. Therefore, if you feel called out by this post... *hands you a mirror*

Now, with that being said let me say this: Some of y'all are too woke! You are so woke and pro-black that you're anti-black. You want everything black to be perfect and blackity-black through and through. You were mad about Black Panther because a white man made money off of it despite much of it being filmed at Tyler Perry Studios. Why? When do you sleep? When do you take the time to enjoy things? I know some folks don't believe in the white man's Jesus. But whoever you believe in: Buddah, Allah, Horus, Confucius, Jah, the Flying Spaghetti Monster... I am sure that entity wants you to enjoy things, right? I am sure the creator wants you to actually enjoy creation sometimes, right? And not spend all day on the white man's social media platform barking at your own people and being a career-contrarian.

You have all these problems with all things black, but never any solutions other than support black business and uplift the black man. Nobody wants to buy your terrible mixtape, Lil Alleycat! Nobody wants to read your "urban lit" book with the errant apostrophe in the title, Dark Diva! And nobody wants to buy hotep wear from a man that constantly refers to women as females, Ronshonkalon the Gawd (we all know it's just a replacement for the b-word anyway, sir). What else you got? What else are you doing out in these pro-black streets to promote positivity? Between the time you get off work in the white man's office to go home to your apartment owned by a white property management company that you pay from a white-owned bank and lay down on your Ikea bed to watch the Jewish man's network tv (because you are too woke to ever sleep), what are you doing to really help uplift the community?

Folks swear they are oh so very woke. Their pro-black insomnia has them on the highest of alerts! Nothing is ever good enough. Constantly comparing anything black to something that is predominantly other. Never fully appreciating black excellence because, in their mind, it should always be better and it's not as good as this other thing. You sleepy, ain't you? Ungrateful, negative, exhausted and ornery from their unnecessary hyper-vigilance.

To those people I say: Get you some joy! But most importantly, take a nap!

Wakanda Forever!- A Black Panther List

First of all let me say now, this is NOT a think piece.... There are ENOUGH of those going around & frankly I'm over it. EVERYTHING is problematic if you use a comb with fine enough teeth. I'm not here for none of that though. I saw Black Panther 3 times- Thursday, Saturday and Monday! Each time I saw something different. This is my SHORT list of things I got from Black Panther.

1. I am a warrior! Every single black woman from Wakanda was made of tough stuff. Strong, intelligent, loyal, and baaaaaaaaaaaad than a mother!
   
2. Colonization adversely impacted my view of Africa. I have recently been planning a trip to Africa and thinking about how all those years of Feed the Children commercials and tales of corrupt leaders made me not want to step foot on the continent for fear of being haunted by the tragedy of it all.  Thanks to a better view outside of the premiere of this movie... see below!
3. I WILL go to Africa! See above. I have done my ancestry test and I'm ready to go visit my people.
4. Eric Stephens wasn't all the way right, but he also wasn't all the way wrong. I said this was not a thinkpiece so Imma skip all the toxic masculinity and problematic, misdirected anger and just say that his core idea wasn't off base. 
   
5. It is perfectly okay to choose NOT to be a the king's queen. And you do not have to change who you are. A man that loves and respects you will do so whether you choose to spend your life with him or not. Read that again.
6. If I were a Jabari woman, I would not come out of the mountains EVER! This might seem to contradict what I just said, but up there... that was logic. This is pure lust down here. I am a well-rounded woman of a certain age that knows what she like! I mean.... did you SEE them!??! 
   
7. Throwing your wig is a perfect distraction for an escape. Wigs get HOT! People need an escape plan. Throw the wig and run away. PROBLEMS SOLVED!
8. I AM A WARRIOR! No, really. Buzzfeed said so, LOOK: "You got: Okoye...You are a force to be reckoned with. Your sense of loyalty is incredibly strong, which is why people love to have you around. You may not have tons of friends, but those select few you are friends with you are FIERCELY loyal to. You're a natural-born leader and people often look to you for guidance." DASS ME!
   
9. I WILL gorilla grunt at people that I want to stop talking! First of all, stop saying they were barking. They were GORILLAS! I will now grunt at men when they get to mansplaining or talking that toxic masculinity bull!
10. TRUST A BLACK WOMAN! If you didn't get that message, then maybe you need to watch the movie 3 times like I did. 

WAKANDA FOREVER!

I have NO idea who designed this, but here is the link to the shirt: 

https://www.teepublic.com/t-shirt/2278697-wakanda-forever

The Unbearable Heaviness of Being Resonable

This is only partially political... but it will be brief.

I have said before I am pro-mind-your-business. In this current climate, people just want to be left alone. In particular, the people that are not harming anyone. But EVERY DAY, this administration seems to pick on another group minding their business and it's weighing on me.

I am a live and let live type of person. If what someone is doing isn't harming others, then do your thing. Those people include: the LGBTQAI community, women, and most of the immigrant community from Latinx countries. Those that actively oppose them and march or legislate against them, I cannot abide. Therefore, when you appear under one of my posts asking me to be reasonable about a group of people that become less and less reasonable in their actions every single day, I will say something.

Today, I respectfully asked someone not to defend those people on my page. They took a snarky approach to their response, a tone that this administration often takes with those being reasonable. To which, I informed them I was attempting to preserve our relationship. Why is the preservation my job?

I am tired of waking up each morning and feeling targeted by the highest office in the land. Each day there is a new message that I as a black woman am both garbage AND guardian; trash AND trendsetter; nothing and everything and I'm tired of it. I am tired of making a statement that is true for me and having someone debate me on my own experience. I am tired of being informed and silent while others are obtuse and loud. I am tired of being stifled and swagger-jacked.

I am tired and I just want people to be reasonable. If you can't be reasonable then, please be quiet because I've got some heavy lifting to do.

Who Do You Love? Are You For Sure?

People often confuse conceit and arrogance with love for self. I know I'm not perfect but I know that my love for myself and others is real, true and pure. When I love you there is nothing anyone can do about it, not even me. I love from a place I don't even understand all the time. But I allow love to lead me. 

Some people who have never understood love think it's a bad word that leads to ruin. They don't trust themselves to be in love and subsequently they don't allow themselves to love deeply. Most importantly, these people do not love themselves in a deep or meaningful way. If they did, they would not be so afraid of allowing someone to love them and vice versa. The insecurities about love that they project out into the world start with themselves according to the African Proverb.

For example, Musiq Soulchild's song "Teach Me How To Love" was filled with learned insecurities and misleading advice that he had internalized. 

• Never crying,
• working until you're tired
• shadowing feelings with pride
• never letting people think you care 
• lacking affection and an ability to express feelings. 

He laid out EVERYTHING he was doing wrong and still placed the burden of doing the work he needed to do to heal on her. Learning to love is an individual responsibility. People can tell you what they need from you but you still need to do the work to achieve their love. That works starts internally though. Many people are afraid to delve into the caverns of their own hearts and souls. If you don't want to go in there why do you think someone else does or should? I am saying all of this to say: do the damn work!

Do the soul-searching. Be honest. Stop fronting. But most importantly leave others out of it until you are at least partially there. For those that do not know what love is, 1 Corinthians 13 lays it all out.

DO THE WORK!

Don't Do This: Vegan Venom & White Wokeness Gone Wrong

HEY, y'all!

via GIPHY

I am a year older since the last time I blogged. I have celebrated my mama, my grandmama and myself since my last blog.  I've been up and down the mid-atlantic, but now I'm back. This one's a humorous one because I want y'all to know, I'm still funny, ok?  Enjoy this terrible tale of terrifying treachery....

So, I'm in between "thangs" right now. And in that interim I have been "giving a man a chance". This concept is drizzled in misogyny because it implies that in order for me to not be a cat lady, I should date all of the way outside my box. My box ain't small, I refer to myself as an Equal Opportunity Offender when it comes to the dating world. But mostly, I do it for the stories, though and THIS one is a doozie!

Let me set this up for you: I go through phases of indiscriminately swiping right on Tinder when I'm bored just to see who's feeling the girl. This explains how I ended up out for drinks with a white guy from around the way that recently cut off his locs.... *pauses for reactions* I know, RIGHT?!?!

He says we're meeting for drinks and conversation. Cool. I get there and he's tinier than I expected. That's fine, it's just drinks and conversation. We're drinking and he's not as funny as he thinks he is. So sometimes I give a polite laugh and sometimes I give a side eye. We talk about me and how I pretty much work my 2 jobs, go out to eat with my friends and go to church. Church was an issue for him. He was spiritual and not religious and a yogi and once strongly identified with rastafarianism... *pauses for reactions*  He sarcastically told me it sounded like I didn't do much. He had already told me he has never left the east coast, but he's been to Quebec though. Me, "oh, ok."

We talk about school and he tells me that college wasn't his thing. "They only teach you HIS-STORY! 100!", he said. Yes, y'all he actually said "100" he said it many, many, many times throughout. We talk about music and he tells me he listens to everything. I say I do too and I tell him I really love bluegrass. He's like "Is that like the blues? I listen to the blues." Me, "no." He then tells me he likes to listen to roots/culture music on vinyl. Whose roots and culture, dude? He was referring to reggae, y'all. *pauses for reactions*

The convo goes on and I start not caring. I was saying anything that came to my head and did not care about being polite because I was over it at this point. I was rolling my eyes at his ridiculousness. Somehow we got on the topic of food. This is when I found out he was vegan.

How did I find out? By super preachy announcement and a further condescending "explanation", of course. Me, "Don't start that vegan bullshyt." Him, "What bullshyt?" Then he launches into a one-sided debate with all the vegan buzzwords including: square vs. circular cells, mention of sentient creatures, and a declaration to never kill anything with 2 eyes. (yet he mentioned he definitely kills mosquitoes, flies, spiders and the like)  *pauses for reactions*

Then he goes on to talk about what part of my argument I should not bring up. Mind you, I stopped talking after he got super hype about his side. He begins to discuss the ills of corporate farms and "the man". He may not have said "the man", but by this point I was ready to go. He said, "I like debating, it's fun.100" Me, "This definitely isn't fun for me." The bill arrives and he looks at me and asks if I mind splitting the check. The check that came to $17 whole dollars! I started to pay the whole check and walk out, but I HATE when women do that just to prove they can. So I said, yes, placed my card on top of his $11 (which he said included his tip) and prayed the waiter came quickly.

I'm sitting there wishing I had stayed home and had a V-8, and that's when I notice it. Mr. Woke Vegan Rage Against Corporate Consumerism is wearing a jacket from The North Face and beef and broccoli Timberlands. *pauses for reaction* Y'all.... Y'all! 

The waiter comes back with my card, I sign and grab my coat. Outside he asks,  "where is your car?" I point across the street, he says, "oh,  mine is over there" and points in another direction. He leans in for a hug.................. I give him the Christian side hug and he walks off toward his car................. I walk to my car alone and as soon as I am inside safely, I unmatch with him.

It was just drinks and conversation but I don't have room for THAT level of hypocrisy in my life!

Lessons from the Pit: Bitter or Better?

During this morning's devotional time, I came across this gem:

 

From the devotional The Dream Centered Life by Luke Barnett

It got me to thinking how we fall into pits -because life, duh- and choose to stay there. They make the pit home. we choose not to learn how to get out of the pit and how to subsequently avoid the pit the next time. Folks get comfortable in the pit because they have been there so long struggling with how to get out. And don't you dare try to enter the pit with them or help them out! They live there now. I find this happens a lot in failed relationships and business ventures. These two things can elicit the same passion from us. We put all we know how into both things. The same longing for success that when they fail, can cause us to be inconsolable and so overwhelmed with the failure that the only lesson we think we learn is to never ever do that again in any way shape or form. 

I know far too many that fall into the pit and it makes them bitter. But they don't see it. They choose not to care about anything anymore.  They lose their compassion for others because they would rather forget those feelings they felt when they fell into the pit initially. They put their capacity to love another thing (person, place, idea) on ice because they want or need to appear tough. For whom? For what? Bitterness isn't always constantly ranting about how people didn't support your dreams. Bitterness can be as subtle as sabotaging another opportunity to invest your time, talent, and expertise elsewhere. Bitterness isn't always posts about not being a sucker for love ever again. It can be as subtle as shunning a relationship with a person you know loves you. Bitterness can became so much a fabric of our lives that we don't recognize it. We spend so much time in the pit that it looks and feels like home. We've decorated it, installed cable and changed our mailing address. We've tasted straight lemon juice so often that we think we prefer it to lemonade.

I now know more and more people that are opting to get out of the pit. Sometimes they do it alone, but it becomes much easier when you ask for help. See, we have lost our capacity to ask for help for so many reasons. Sometimes it's just because we don't know what help we need. Using the pit as a time for introspection and honesty is the only way to know for sure what you need to escape from it. Not everyone that walks by you in the pit is going to help you out. Some may join you, ignore you, or even convince you to stay. This is why how you use your time in the pit is so crucial. 

How did you get here?

How long do you plan to stay here?

How did you feel before this?

How do you feel now?

How do you want to feel after?

What can you do to get out in the safest way?

What healthy changes can you make once you are out?

Will you need help getting out of here?

Who can help you out of here?

These are just a few questions we can ask ourselves. 

Look around you, have you made the pit your home? It's never too late to escape. Forgive yourself for staying in your bitterness so long. But for goodness' sake, do the work to get out of the pit. You owe it to yourself to be better not bitter and avoid the same pitfall again.

 

I Resolve to Be Alright!

re·solve verb- to decide firmly on a course of action.

There will be no cliche "New year, New me!" here. This is a call to all of you who are feeling the pressure to change, to do more, to be bolder, to go to the gym 9 times a week. This is a call to you to rethink how you think of this new year. This new year is really just a continuation of last week. So breathe!

Think about all you were working on last year. Did you complete it? No? Well, keep going! Think about the changes you made last year. Were they working for you? Yes? Well, keep going!

I have seen people posting manifestos of all the things they vow to accomplish... all the pressures they place on themselves... all their business that they have made public to the social masses... all the things they may or (statistically speaking) may not achieve. 

This year I ask you to join me in holding one another accountable for one resolution and one resolution only. This year, I resolve to be alright! 

all right adjective- safe, well

This means check-in with you. Put less pressure on yourself to do and instead try to be! Be in the moment, be in the room, be in the now. It's good to have goals, it's great to have benchmarks, it's amazing to achieve things. But what good is any of it if you are frazzled and stretched to your limits once you arrive? They call it the grind for a reason! Because it will wear you down to a stump if you let it! So this year, make you the priority. By all means, push your limits and exceed your targets, but make sure you're alright when it's all said and done. You can check off all 75 resolutions and not have the energy to even appreciate it when you get there because you're exhausted, checked out or running on fumes. Take each day as it comes and don't get so bogged down in the tomorrow and the day after and the day after. It will all work out. Matthew 6:34 says: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

So, for today, resolve to be alright!

When Somebody Loves You Back

I'm finna be transparent as a MUGG!

I want love like an old school love song! Not just any love song, but  THIS LOVE SONG RIGHT HERE:


I have heard over and over again to find someone that loves you more. That thing is a recipe for failure. I have been the overlover and the overloved and it was never a good time! What must it be like "to be loved and be loved in return"? Equally-yoked? I have never experienced a 50-50 love. Does that even exist?

This world will make you feel like it doesn't! Little to no reciprocity seems to be the order of the day. Now, don't get me wrong, I love because I want to. I love because it's what I do! But overloving is bad for the heart, mind, body and soul.  Why am I working so hard for you and you are so indifferent? I'm old and I'm TIRED! Being overloved ended up making me feel guilty. Why wasn't I feeling this the way he was? I'm old and I'm TIRED! 40 may be the new 20, but I have had 20 extra years of being loved wrong (or at least in ways that did not satisfy me).

I have had great relationships and I have met amazing men, not one of them feels like the one that got away. Though there are several of them that would very likely say that they regret letting me go, if they were honest with themselves. But they aren't because many of them had issues with truly being honest with themselves.

I want someone to love me the way my friends love me and the way I love my friends. Flaws and all, no matter what, we not going anywhere! I have had conversations with my friends that would surely have broken up lesser friendships! But the way we love each other and trust one another and know that when we speak to one another it is out of love, we are able to accept what is being said to us and grow from it.

I want a love like that! This world has made people so fickle and inconsistent. It's made people unstable and apathetic. It's made people so disposable to one another. No one wants to give their all anymore because nobody wants their feelings hurt, or their business to end up as a FB post. No one wants to love anymore because nobody wants their heart toyed with, or to be subtweeted (subliminal tweets/posts that they know are directed to them) in the middle of the night. No one wants to be honest anymore because nobody wants to look like a sucker, or end up the subject of a viral screenshot.

I am honest, I am real, I am a giver, I am a sharer. I have walls up cuz I'm no dummy, but I am not afraid of love! BRING! IT! ON!

Changing Faces or Facing Changes

Life is going to move on around us whether we want it to or not. How you deal with it makes all the difference. Will you merely survive the change or will you thrive because of it?

I have gone through a few changes in the last year and I count them all joy! They were necessary to create in me a spirit of  "Yes, I can!" Some of these things I never imagined having to deal with and others were welcomed breaks from my norm. But all of them were a lesson.

The James Baldwin quote above has stuck with me for years. It used to be my email signature back in the hotmail days! But it is more relevant now than ever because I have come to realize that I have been changing faces for years! Not always, but often. 

If you are being put in a position to do something that you already know goes against who you are at your core, but you do it anyway because it will make things easier, then you're changing faces.

If you are in a "relationship" where your needs are evolving and the other person is satisfied with the way things are, but you refuse to settle for their love anymore so you walk away, then you are facing changes.

If you are being led in your spirit to take on a task you do not think you are capable of and you put the task off until you  think it is the right time, then you are changing faces.

If you know you have a testimony with details that may cause people to look at you funny but you know that it will set someone else free so you share it anyway, then you are facing changes.

If you force yourself to laugh in situations where you want to cry... changing faces.

If you let the tears flow in situations where you would force yourself to laugh... facing changes.

Embrace change, it is inevitable. But you don't have to move in the same direction. Changing faces is often a put-on. Changing faces is often a front and the inauthenticity of it will start to wear on you so quickly! Changing faces often won't let your spirit rest easy. Changing faces often feels like worry, regret, and a need to prove to everyone else  that we are ok. Changing faces is often reactive. It's a compromise of values because the group says so. It's a way to survive.

Facing change may mean you need to change direction from your peoples. Facing change may mean you need to have that conversation you have been dreading. Facing change may mean you need to seek a new path. Facing change is proactive. It's making a move before the tide sweeps you away. It's a connection to your spirit that you trust to move you in the best direction. It's a means of THRIVING and not merely surviving. 

Ask yourself are you changing faces or facing changes? Are you thriving or surviving?

Keeping it (Your) Light

Trigger Warning.... this is about assault, again.... *sigh*

This world will try to beat you down as a Black person. This world will try to tear you down as a woman. This world will try to destroy you as a Black woman.

Every single day there is a post or story or comment that reminds me, as a Black woman, that people do not care about me. There has been a constant onslaught of victim-blaming, cognitive dissonance and downright misogyny all through my timeline. It has begun to impact my female friends' well-being to the point of them having to log-off. With all of these sexual crimes being outed, there is a daily occurrence of trauma or trigger for some it seems.

So how do you keep your light? Honey, I don't know...

Bette Midler was able to ramble off her sexual assault at the hands of Geraldo Rivera as if it were no big deal! She laughed about it and moved on. This was assumedly because this was what she felt she needed to do to survive in show biz. 

I just casually confronted someone that has assaulted me on numerous occasions by aggressively hugging me and forcibly kissing me on the mouth and face. He stated that he did not realize he was making me uncomfortable despite me cringing each time he has hugged me because he always goes too far. He was on the internet boasting about how he has never made anyone uncomfortable or raped or assaulted any woman. I could have let him live, but instead I chose to bring to his attention that that was definitely not the case on a whim. I am not looking to press charges or anything like that, but I had to remove the burden of our interactions from my own shoulders and place it where it belonged. I had to lighten my load.

Talk to someone about what happened to you.

Pray.
Meditate.

Forgive.

Blog.

Reconcile.

Make jokes.

Press charges.

Think of healthy ways to relieve yourself of the burden that the patriarchy has forced you to carry while the man who assaulted/ harassed you lives his life freely or even toots his own assault-free horn all over the internet. 

Whatever you do, please, don't allow them to dim you! Protect your light!